Why is it necessary to live with a spouse

[christine dubois]

I disagree completely. The "system" doesn't need to a "revamp". Individuals need to make decisions about their relationships and what works for them. Monogamy isn't a system, it's a choice.
This whole idea that it needs to be changed is ridiculous and believe me...when you find someone you love more than life itself there's no way you'll want them to be anything BUT monogamous. And being monogamous yourself will be sign of respect for them. AND living with them won't even be questioned. You'll want it like it's the most natural thing in the world.

I think that is a typical female view..I am not saying that men aren't capable to see it like that, too, I just assume it's not typically.

But the dicision to marry should normally involve the will to live together. Even more , there should be a certain pride about it.

Come on Sin everything you said is restrictive to you my friend. Its fine that you feel that way but I personally believe we age out of love in the romantic sense after a certain age. So finding someone you love more than life itself seems unrealistic after a certain age. Its a sweet thought but the divorce rate and the cheating rate tells a different story. And of course its a system its a fricking institution Sin. And living with someone may sound great and works for you but so many people out there feel suffocated by the idea. Think about it.

You know, if someone wants to live separatly, then do it, if you find a spouse that wants to live alone, either.
What are people interested in, what neighbours or friends/colleagues think about, if it makes me or you happy.

you mentioned something about career, if you are married. I can follow that thought. If you are able to make a definite decision for your life and can take responsibility for your wife and kids, then it tells your boss something about your character. A man in his 40s that is still searching around doesn't seems as a reliable character

We live in a world, where many things are accepted.. manogamy, polygamy, couple meets couple (swinger), patchwork families, women with kids from different men, single moms, single dads, man marries man, woman marries woman....and and and



But the question still will be around, why do they want to marry, if they don't want to live together? If you want to have all, why can't you give all? Loosing your freedom? Or loosing something else? Are they afraid of something? Being abused in any way? Or is it financially? How should it work, if there are kids?

 

[satyr]

This is another one of those "pull your motherfucking hair out" threads and I refuse to engage in the bullshit.

 

[andreboba]

It's amazing to me that so many men see so little value to women besides fucking them.

So deeply superficial, but if it works for you.

It's like their woman is a fancy new sports car they keep in the garage and drive only on weekend road trips or when they want to impress their friends.

 

[The Dark King]

I think that is a typical female view..I am not saying that men aren't capable to see it like that, too, I just assume it's not typically.

But the dicision to marry should normally involve the will to live together. Even more , there should be a certain pride about it.







You know, if someone wants to live separatly, then do it, if you find a spouse that wants to live alone, either.
What are people interested in, what neighbours or friends/colleagues think about, if it makes me or you happy.

you mentioned something about career, if you are married. I can follow that thought. If you are able to make a definite decision for your life and can take responsibility for your wife and kids, then it tells your boss something about your character. A man in his 40s that is still searching around doesn't seems as a reliable character

We live in a world, where many things are accepted.. manogamy, polygamy, couple meets couple (swinger), patchwork families, women with kids from different men, single moms, single dads, man marries man, woman marries woman....and and and



But the question still will be around, why do they want to marry, if they don't want to live together? If you want to have all, why can't you give all? Loosing your freedom? Or loosing something else? Are they afraid of something? Being abused in any way? Or is it financially? How should it work, if there are kids?

I guess for me I would marry and want to live apart just to be able to alone sometimes. I know dudes who are married who spend large quantities of time in the bathroom just to get a breather from the wife and kids. And there are times I would prefer to masturbate instead of have sex and every woman I've ever dated takes it as if I have cold slapped them across the face. As far as the kids are concerned I think it would be cool for the kids to do a time share where they spend one week at one parent's house and alternate weeks at the other's. I did something similar as a kid where I spent my mornings at my grandmothers and went there after school and my dad picked me up for dinner and getting ready for bed at their house. It worked out fine for me. Not saying its absolute but just another way of doing things.

 

[The Dark King]

It's amazing to me that so many men see so little value to women besides fucking them.

So deeply superficial, but if it works for you.

It's like their woman is a fancy new sports car they keep in the garage and drive only on weekend road trips or when they want to impress their friends.

Dude where did you get that absurd idea?
Its not even remotely about fucking its about still being an individual and choosing to spend time with someone opposed to being obligated to do so.
Its not even about you its also giving your significant other a break. When you spend 8 to 10 hours a day working then you have household chores and then add kids on top of that when do you realistically get me time. A class at the gym? I just think its a good stress reliever not to mention absence truly makes the heart grow fonder. I find a few days apart gives me an opportunity to fall in love with the other person all over again.

 

[andreboba]

Dude where did you get that absurd idea?
Its not even remotely about fucking its about still being an individual and choosing to spend time with someone opposed to being obligated to do so.
Its not even about you its also giving your significant other a break. When you spend 8 to 10 hours a day working then you have household chores and then add kids on top of that when do you realistically get me time. A class at the gym? I just think its a good stress reliever not to mention absence truly makes the heart grow fonder. I find a few days apart gives me an opportunity to fall in love with the other person all over again.

The OP said essentially that he would prefer to live in a different residence than his spouse.

That's not a marriage, that's called 'dating'.

Being married is on a different level than kicking it with your girl when you have the time. Marriage isn't always convenient, it's about the highs/lows, it's about sacrifice, it's about being UNSELFISH.

To keep both you and your significant other 'first' in a marriage, IMO you both have to go into knowing individually you are 2nd, not first.

It's an immature attitude and IMO a totally distorted view on marriage.
No one is saying you have to get married, and it's why so many men(and women) chose not to.

They value their oh so precious 'me time', all the time, more than they covet being WE.
When you love and emotionally understand someone, you intuitively know they need some time to themselves. Whether that's spending the weekend shopping, going to visit friends, or spend the entire afternoon reading a book. Love is understanding. It should never feel like an obligation or a burden.

Some of you sound like you want a concubine, not a spouse; your other half.

I've been in relationships where my woman and I could be constantly chatting throughout the entire day, or go for hours comfortably not speaking and giving each other little more than touches and hand gestures/facial expressions.

If you aren't comfortable living in someone else's space and overlapping, IMO marriage is not for you.

 

[archangel]

The OP said essentially that he would prefer to live in a different residence than his spouse.

That's not a marriage, that's called 'dating'.

Being married is on a different level than kicking it with your girl when you have the time. Marriage isn't always convenient, it's about the highs/lows, it's about sacrifice, it's about being UNSELFISH.

To keep both you and your significant other 'first' in a marriage, IMO you both have to go into knowing individually you are 2nd, not first.

It's an immature attitude and IMO a totally distorted view on marriage.
No is saying you have to get married, and it's why so many men(and women) chose not to.

They value their oh so precious 'me time', all the time, more than they covet being WE.
When you love and emotionally understand someone, you intuitively know they need some time to themselves. Whether that's spending the weekend shopping, going to visit friends, or spend the entire afternoon reading a book. Love is understanding. It should never feel like and obligation or a burden.

Some of you sound like you want a concubine, not a spouse; your other half.

I've been in relationships where my woman and I could be constantly chatting throughout the entire day, or go for hours comfortably not speaking and giving each other little more than touches and hand gestures/facial expressions.

If you aren't comfortable living in someone else's space and overlapping, IMO marriage is not for you.

encore

 

[archangel]

Dude where did you get that absurd idea?
Its not even remotely about fucking its about still being an individual and choosing to spend time with someone opposed to being obligated to do so.
Its not even about you its also giving your significant other a break. When you spend 8 to 10 hours a day working then you have household chores and then add kids on top of that when do you realistically get me time. A class at the gym? I just think its a good stress reliever not to mention absence truly makes the heart grow fonder. I find a few days apart gives me an opportunity to fall in love with the other person all over again.

a few days damn.. I thought you were talking about hours. Dude, you got a twisted sense of marriage. That sounds like a job not a marriage. What you going to take saturday and sunday off every week? lmao aww man

The heart grows fonder because you are missing someone. If you hadn't left you wouldn't be missing and the heart would be happy.


You seriously might want to reanalyze if marriage is for you(or find someone who has this concept). Honestly! You are going to have a hard time finding a woman who thinks like that.

just wow a few days
Who is going to watch the kids on saturday and sunday(or the days that you are off)?

Being a husband and a father is a 24 hour 7 days a week gig. don't like the gig don't do it.

I'm starting to see why the divorce rate is the way it is.

 

[Ches]

Oh, I'm so in love with you right now. :smt060

I don't care what the haters say, I find this so refreshing coming from a man. Restores my faith in the belief that there are guys out there who value commitment and marriage and who are mature enough to know and understand that a meaningful relationship is more about what you give than what you get.

I grew up with a biblical view of marriage, which is a "one-flesh" relationship. These thoughts and beliefs resonate deeply with me for that reason.

I so appreciate your thoughts, andreboba. :smt023

The OP said essentially that he would prefer to live in a different residence than his spouse.

That's not a marriage, that's called 'dating'.

Being married is on a different level than kicking it with your girl when you have the time. Marriage isn't always convenient, it's about the highs/lows, it's about sacrifice, it's about being UNSELFISH.

To keep both you and your significant other 'first' in a marriage, IMO you both have to go into knowing individually you are 2nd, not first.

It's an immature attitude and IMO a totally distorted view on marriage.
No is saying you have to get married, and it's why so many men(and women) chose not to.

They value their oh so precious 'me time', all the time, more than they covet being WE.
When you love and emotionally understand someone, you intuitively know they need some time to themselves. Whether that's spending the weekend shopping, going to visit friends, or spend the entire afternoon reading a book. Love is understanding. It should never feel like and obligation or a burden.

Some of you sound like you want a concubine, not a spouse; your other half.

I've been in relationships where my woman and I could be constantly chatting throughout the entire day, or go for hours comfortably not speaking and giving each other little more than touches and hand gestures/facial expressions.

If you aren't comfortable living in someone else's space and overlapping, IMO marriage is not for you.

 

[Ches]

Great post, archangel. :smt023

Marriage isn't for everyone, and from some of the things DK has posted here and in other threads (about Mom being #1, even before a spouse), I'm thinking marriage might not be the right choice for him or anyone who has similar beliefs, like the OP. What the OP describes sounds like a FWB scenario. If you have a need to be away from your SO for long periods of time, then why even get married?

a few days damn.. I thought you were talking about hours. Dude, you got a twisted sense of marriage. That sounds like a job not a marriage. What you going to take saturday and sunday off every week? lmao aww man

The heart grows fonder because you are missing someone. If you hadn't left you wouldn't be missing and the heart would be happy.


You seriously might want to reanalyze if marriage is for you(or find someone who has this concept). Honestly! You are going to have a hard time finding a woman who thinks like that.

just wow a few days
Who is going to watch the kids on saturday and sunday(or the days that you are off)?

Being a husband and a father is a 24 hour 7 days a week gig. don't like the gig don't do it.

I'm starting to see why the divorce rate is the way it is.

 

[christine dubois]

I guess for me I would marry and want to live apart just to be able to alone sometimes. I know dudes who are married who spend large quantities of time in the bathroom just to get a breather from the wife and kids. And there are times I would prefer to masturbate instead of have sex and every woman I've ever dated takes it as if I have cold slapped them across the face. As far as the kids are concerned I think it would be cool for the kids to do a time share where they spend one week at one parent's house and alternate weeks at the other's. I did something similar as a kid where I spent my mornings at my grandmothers and went there after school and my dad picked me up for dinner and getting ready for bed at their house. It worked out fine for me. Not saying its absolute but just another way of doing things.

you know, it's a very cold way to see love and marriage and I assume that 99% of the women you meet, will only understand one message, if you tell them your way of marriage- that they are not worth of your time, that they get on your nerves and that they cannot rely on you. A fatal realizing that destroys all the feelings a woman have had for you.
A marriage is the proof to be nr One for the person you love, as Andreboba said, it's a pillar for good and bad times, a person you can feel safe and trust.
All that important things you cannot give, if you need freedom from your SO. Maybe you find that one of hundreds, who can live like you, but I assume she will be as reserved as you are and it will be an icy marriage. Don't take it personal, I just try to understand what you've said.

 

[Sin Mari]

The OP said essentially that he would prefer to live in a different residence than his spouse.

That's not a marriage, that's called 'dating'.

Being married is on a different level than kicking it with your girl when you have the time. Marriage isn't always convenient, it's about the highs/lows, it's about sacrifice, it's about being UNSELFISH.

To keep both you and your significant other 'first' in a marriage, IMO you both have to go into knowing individually you are 2nd, not first.

It's an immature attitude and IMO a totally distorted view on marriage.
No one is saying you have to get married, and it's why so many men(and women) chose not to.

They value their oh so precious 'me time', all the time, more than they covet being WE.
When you love and emotionally understand someone, you intuitively know they need some time to themselves. Whether that's spending the weekend shopping, going to visit friends, or spend the entire afternoon reading a book. Love is understanding. It should never feel like an obligation or a burden.

Some of you sound like you want a concubine, not a spouse; your other half.

I've been in relationships where my woman and I could be constantly chatting throughout the entire day, or go for hours comfortably not speaking and giving each other little more than touches and hand gestures/facial expressions.

If you aren't comfortable living in someone else's space and overlapping, IMO marriage is not for you.

BRILLIANT post!!!!!!!

a few days damn.. I thought you were talking about hours. Dude, you got a twisted sense of marriage. That sounds like a job not a marriage. What you going to take saturday and sunday off every week? lmao aww man

The heart grows fonder because you are missing someone. If you hadn't left you wouldn't be missing and the heart would be happy.


You seriously might want to reanalyze if marriage is for you(or find someone who has this concept). Honestly! You are going to have a hard time finding a woman who thinks like that.

just wow a few days
Who is going to watch the kids on saturday and sunday(or the days that you are off)?

Being a husband and a father is a 24 hour 7 days a week gig. don't like the gig don't do it.

I'm starting to see why the divorce rate is the way it is.

 

[The Dark King]

Well that's your pov fam and your welcomed to it but don't call me immature. I think its far more mature to recognize that tens of millions of marriages are failing or failed and it can't be as simple as you and some of the other over romantic people on this forum(most of which have never been married or are divorced) think.
I believe in harmony and balance and from what I've seen the current incarnation of marriage doesn't support but to each his own. God speed.

The OP said essentially that he would prefer to live in a different residence than his spouse.

That's not a marriage, that's called 'dating'.

Being married is on a different level than kicking it with your girl when you have the time. Marriage isn't always convenient, it's about the highs/lows, it's about sacrifice, it's about being UNSELFISH.

To keep both you and your significant other 'first' in a marriage, IMO you both have to go into knowing individually you are 2nd, not first.

It's an immature attitude and IMO a totally distorted view on marriage.
No one is saying you have to get married, and it's why so many men(and women) chose not to.

They value their oh so precious 'me time', all the time, more than they covet being WE.
When you love and emotionally understand someone, you intuitively know they need some time to themselves. Whether that's spending the weekend shopping, going to visit friends, or spend the entire afternoon reading a book. Love is understanding. It should never feel like an obligation or a burden.

Some of you sound like you want a concubine, not a spouse; your other half.

I've been in relationships where my woman and I could be constantly chatting throughout the entire day, or go for hours comfortably not speaking and giving each other little more than touches and hand gestures/facial expressions.

If you aren't comfortable living in someone else's space and overlapping, IMO marriage is not for you.

 

[The Dark King]

Or marriage is for me but not with someone who thinks the way you do. You keep acting like your way of thinking is the absolute and only way to do things. Too bad it didn't work out for your marriage kid.

Great post, archangel. :smt023

Marriage isn't for everyone, and from some of the things DK has posted here and in other threads (about Mom being #1, even before a spouse), I'm thinking marriage might not be the right choice for him or anyone who has similar beliefs, like the OP. What the OP describes sounds like a FWB scenario. If you have a need to be away from your SO for long periods of time, then why even get married?

 

[archangel]

Well that's your pov fam and your welcomed to it but don't call me immature. I think its far more mature to recognize that tens of millions of marriages are failing or failed and it can't be as simple as you and some of the other over romantic people on this forum(most of which have never been married or are divorced) think.
I believe in harmony and balance and from what I've seen the current incarnation of marriage doesn't support but to each his own. God speed.

The problem with marriage isn't the marriage. It is with the people in the marriage. They are the ones making the poor decisions. That's why they are failing.

Look at brittany spears. Do you think it is marriage or brittany spears wanting to get married just to see what it is like?
It is numerous in many people.
I saw a lady on the Dr. Phil show that got married 5 times!!! Each time she choose a dude that had bad history. The guy who she was married with had married three times and had cheated on them and her. That's not marriage material. Can you see a divorce coming?

People have this love of blaming abstract ideologies instead of the people.
I got news for those folks. It is the people not the idealogy.

 

[The Dark King]

The ideology should be attacked when its failing half the time. And that's of the reported failures remember there are a lot of people who stay married and are miserable but do it for the kids or for financial reasons. So if tens of millions of people keep getting divorced this isn't just a simple case of bad decision making. I honestly don't get how you guys just gloss over that.

The problem with marriage isn't the marriage. It is with the people in the marriage. They are the ones making the poor decisions. That's why they are failing.

Look at brittany spears. Do you think it is marriage or brittany spears wanting to get married just to see what it is like?
It is numerous in many people.
I saw a lady on the Dr. Phil show that got married 5 times!!! Each time she choose a dude that had bad history. The guy who she was married with had married three times and had cheated on them and her. That's not marriage material. Can you see a divorce coming?

People have this love of blaming abstract ideologies instead of the people.
I got news for those folks. It is the people not the idealogy.

 

[Sin Mari]

Millions might fail, but millions also succeed and the difference is the people in those marriages.

If you don't want to ever get married or have kids...that's fine. Don't. It's not for everyone and no one really cares either way. But don't assume it's all one big failed idea, especially when you haven't even experienced it.

 

[archangel]

The ideology should be attacked when its failing half the time. And that's of the reported failures remember there are a lot of people who stay married and are miserable but do it for the kids or for financial reasons. So if tens of millions of people keep getting divorced this isn't just a simple case of bad decision making. I honestly don't get how you guys just gloss over that.

again it is the people. not only this but you give examples of people using bad decisions.

Some people are not suppose to be married. They need their own room. Those people are making a bad decision in a union where there is no space.


blaming abstract ideologies for failure of people is not good.

You are essentially glossing over that people are responsible for their actions and decisions. That it should be the ideology to blame instead of one's actions.

You stop short of where you find it convenient.

It's not that the two people made bad decisions. It is the marriage. lol

It is exactly what it is. A man or woman will always be responsible for their actions. The divorce is consequences of people not making good decisions.

 

[andreboba]

Or marriage is for me but not with someone who thinks the way you do. You keep acting like your way of thinking is the absolute and only way to do things. Too bad it didn't work out for your marriage kid.

In general terms, how would you describe conceptually an 'ideal' marriage?
How are the partners supposed to act?? What are their expectations of each other??

FWIW, I wasn't really calling you 'immature', but the mindset or how you were defining marriage.

Marriage IMO is the MOST complicated form of interpersonal relationship between two people who aren't related. It's more challenging that just being friends with someone.
If there isn't a strong physical/emotional/intellectual bond, also including two people who have the same long view about each other and their relationship, it's hard to make a marriage work long term.

Some people try as they might just get BORED with their partner. And it's not just sex, they aren't overly attracted to the person anymore.

 

[christine dubois]

The ideology should be attacked when its failing half the time. And that's of the reported failures remember there are a lot of people who stay married and are miserable but do it for the kids or for financial reasons. So if tens of millions of people keep getting divorced this isn't just a simple case of bad decision making. I honestly don't get how you guys just gloss over that.

People fail, because many times each of them develop in a different way or they forget or don't appreciate their SO anymore. But the point is that they try it, that they believe in it.
People make false decisions, they have to learn, but to avoid the disapointment by not getting involved with somebody, is running away from your own, sometimes overwhelming feelings that can be frightening. If the divorce rate would be different, if you don't live together, I doubt. Because from the beginning, it's a very rational decision and people love to be in love with someone, so I assume, the possibility that the woman leaves the man for another person that gives her that missing emotions is very high