“When you go into court, you are putting your fate into the hands of people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.” - Norm Crosby

 

“Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.” - Unknown

 

I always take life with a grain of salt, …plus a slice of lemon, …and a shot of tequila.” - Unknown

 

”God gave us our relatives; thank God we can choose our friends.” - Ethel Mumford

 

"A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that ‘individuality’ is the key to success.” - Robert Purvis

 

“Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.” - Rodney Dangerfield

 

“How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?” - Unknown

 

“If women ran the world we wouldn’t have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.” - Robin Williams

 

“By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.” - Charles Wadsworth

 

“To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows management potential.” - Unknown

 

”Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together.” - Oprah Winfrey

 

”Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position.” - Christopher Marlowe

 

”Experience is that marvellous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.” - Franklin P. Jones

 

“Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.” - Jerry Seinfeld

 

“They keep saying the right person will come along, I think mine got hit by a truck.” - Unknown

 

“See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.” - Robin Williams

 

“Life’s disappointments are harder to take when you don’t know any swear words.” - Unknown

 

“The best way to lie is to tell the truth, carefully edited truth.” - Unknown

 

“At every party there are two kinds of people: those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.” - Ann Landers

 

“If you do a job too well, you will get stuck with it.” - Unknown