”If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the up button.” - Sam Levenson

 

“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.” - Earl Wilson

 

Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.” - Albert Einstein

 

“The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.” - Will Rogers

 

“Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.” - Jack Handey

 

I am going to call my kids Ctrl, Alt and Delete. Then if they muck up I will just hit them all at once.” - Unknown

 

“By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.” - Robert Frost

 

“I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.” - Emo Philips

 

“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.” - Bob Hope

 

“A friend is someone who will bail you out of jail. A best friend is the one sitting next to you saying ‘boy was that fun.’” - The Maugles

 

“Why does a woman work ten years to change a man’s habits and then complain that he’s not the man she married?” - Barbra Streisand

 

We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.” - Unknown

 

“Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.” - Woody Allen

 

“To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.” - Wilson Mizner

 

“Men have two emotions: hungry and horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.” - Unknown

 

“The sole purpose of a child’s middle name, is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.” - Unknown

 

“Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.” - Oscar Wilde

 

Hospitality: making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.”

 

“Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?” - Unknown

 

“A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.” - Franklin Jones