what do white women love about black men?

@Soulthinker I hope those days (and forum contributors) return.

 

Hope so.

 

How about wanting to find out if their IR experiences are the same as others?

 

Some BM commence with the idea that WW are racist and that they will be rejected.
Instead of approaching each person as an individual.
One must remember that only a minority date outside their race.

 

I don't know, its a hard one to analyze. This next generation dates out (and celebrates it) at such a high rate that it seems like more people are open to it across the board.

So much so, that I'm sure some of these kids walk around not thinking race is an issue. Its probably more of older side of millennials and up that have reservations or concerns in the back of their mind anymore.

Social media has given the impression that there is major progress...but at the same time, reveals where progress has not or cannot be made. That isn't to imply everyone needs to date interracially, but in terms of acceptance, it feels like its sometimes in a vacuum and not considered a normal option by the larger population of any race.

 

All good points. I agree that it probably isn’t as big a deal for the younger generation. They take diversity as the norm much more than my age group. Nevertheless, the larger society is more resistant to change.

 

I had not seen it. The young generation is as the same as the last one and before. I seen just bits and starts.

 

Maybe the kids don`t think about race but the larger society does and sooner or later some of those kids will will think about race. Come back here at least 10 years later and give us an update.

 

I think Sarah23 has a valid point to an extent. I'd say the men such as us who are interested in WW almost certainly not feel that way without reason. I think she's totally spot-on with the last sentence. My thing has always been... I have no problem approaching, but if I get the slightesting inkling that she's not interested (for whatever reason)... I'd likely lean toward choosing not to bother her.

 

I have another take on it, mind you on the flip side of roles since we have gotten to discussing approaching. I will try to consolidate/summarize a few years worth of back forth here in a post and leave out more of the details of each interaction with him, and try to show why I am not sure it is a good idea for a white women to show or express that she likes a black man. Please be easy on me, don't make fun of me, this was a little hard to post, but I thought maybe I could get a persecutive from the other side of things.

Basically I was attempting to talk to this guy, that I had developed a bad crush on at my university, and granted I am shy myself, so my approach was probably awkward too. I tried to sit next to him a couple of times, and other times chat with him. I would get mixed signals, he would smile at me, was always pleasant when he spoke to me back, but I always got the kind of a weird feeling, and he would sometimes duck his head down, and kind of walk away or something. A bit confused I decided one day to ask him directly if I was bothering him, he ducked his head down, smiled and said no, and he liked a little chit chat, but I was not so sure if he was being honest with me. At that point, I wanted to err on the side of caution (not be accused of harassment, past history like slavery or colonialism, or something), and so I decided I was going to leave him alone and not try to interact with him anymore.

Then, one evening, after doing a report on music, and African music, specifically drumming, in the last days of the semester in my class, I got a friend request from him on my Facebook and a message from him in messenger saying he liked my report. I was pleasantly surprised, and puzzled, because from my perspective, his body langue was mixed and overall, seemed like he did not want to interact with me, let alone connect on Facebook.

We have had some interaction messenger, and with me mostly initiating, saying hi or something, and he would say a few things. Recently, I found out he had moved or seemed to move to his home country and married a non white woman from his home country and had a child. All this in the span of about a year and half. I had sent him a valentines message, and he had sent me some old photos of his days in the military. He then had suddenly changed a profile picture to his new child. Then a while later, he had messaged me, asking how I was doing, I said ok, and thanked him for keeping in touch. He then replied that he liked our exchanges, but it was eating up phone minutes or something, and he was getting ready for a wedding, and that he had to go to bed, and he would talk to me later. I was bit confused, and shocked, and felt bit bad, all at once, and like I was intruding. I messaged back apologizing if I was causing any trouble or his time, and he replied no worries.

Anyway, basically I was a bit shocked, and he had dropped hints of kids, on his general facebook posts, but he never told me directly in messenger earlier on about exactly what was all going on, I did not realize he had gotten engaged, and was preparing for a wedding, and there was a woman expecting his child.

This was a few months back, and I have not heard from him since, although his occasional facebook posts have popped up in my newsfeed, with some having shown his presence on messenger, so he is managing to still use it, but has not messaged me, which has made me wonder if he was just trying to cut me loose. I do not plan on messaging him again, unless he messages me again, and from that I am assuming this is the end of what ever little relationship, if there was one that we had.

I felt as though he kind of blew me off, and wonder why he did connect with me in the first place? I also felt bad for feeling a bit shocked, of course I am happy for him, he seems to be happy with his new family and life, and wish him the best of luck, but somehow I have a real mixed bag of feelings; sort of brushed aside, confused, and foolish, undesirable, intrusive, and somehow inadequate.

Well, if all on here have gotten to this point of my story, the takeaway I am trying to gather from all this is; is a good idea for a woman to approach a man? or in this case, a white woman to approach a black man? I know now looking back then, I was shy and should have formally introduced myself to him first.

I am now not so sure, those who say they are not sure or feel most white women would not date them, well here is the flip side, I as a white women cannot be sure if a black man will be interested in her/me. Obviously now, I can see this guy was not, so I am trying to figure out how to proceed in the future, should a situation like this present itself to me again, of where I see a black guy I like or am interested in.

 

I think there may be some misunderstandings and a lack of familiarity with these situations and feelings initially, but after a few relationships, hopefully the racial aspect is demystified and it finally falls into place among the many other male-female relationships in life. We're all just people and race shouldn't add too many hurdles or obstacles to connection and understanding.

 

Sounds like your over thinking this. Either he wasn't interested or he was interested but for whatever reason was unable to reciprocate. Either way it isn't really that important because plenty of Black men like white women. Just keep it simple, smile, be flirtatious ,give eye contact. Be open, the right man will respond. You are European?? I assumed this kind of dating would be easier there as opposed to here in the states.

 

American here, yeah, I do tend to think things through alot, but I feel it is needed, I am sure I am not the only one who might overthink it a bit, alot of people after rejection may initially will think what went wrong? Many want to learn so they can do better, and to do that, they have to think and ask about things.

Also, I am actually fine with someone not reciprocating or whatever, but be consistant on and offline, and be no, no in both cases. it is just I wish he was more clear with me about it earlier on, told me upfront, instead of back and forth on messenger, if he was not feeling it, he should have said so a long time ago.

I mean, for the guys here, say a girl you had zero interest in kept approaching you and chatting with you however shy she might have been, would you then go and friend request her and message her on Facebook? this is what puzzled me initially, he seemed awkward and uncomfortable, I then ask him directly, if I was bothering him, he says no, I don't buy it, his body language seemed to say otherwise, and then I decide to leave him alone, and then he friends me??

Would you continue the occasional messages with her in the USA while you are in your home country involved with another woman, engaged, and preparing for a wedding? and not tell her directly right away early on? I am no home wrecker, and am not into Jerry Springer like drama, so that is why I felt like I needed some more clarity and consistency from him. I definitely do not want a guy to have to run from me, or have to tell me no multiple times, if my presence is not wanted I get that, but be consistant all across the board, in my eyes, I want to have self respect, and do not want to make a fool of myself.

I mean yes, I have figured out he was not interested, but his body language, and then online activity seemed off to me, and confused me, usually, I would think someone whom they have no interest in, would then tell them early on and end things. The inconsistency from my perspective is what is worse then the my actual felt rejection, if that makes sense. I think if one has no interest, they should be consistant about it on and offline from the start.

Surely this cannot be all me, and all in my head here, there are two sides and two people to tango as the saying goes.

Well anyway, onward and upward, it is all past now, and I guess this all will not matter now anyway, I was just confused and looking for a little clarity.

 

Which African country is this guy from if I may ask?

 

He is from Ethiopia originally, had been brought to the US as a child, was a US marine, moved around the US, and then went to local colleges in my area, (how we met).

i have done some reading a little online about them and their culture, and I believe that he come from a traditionalist culture, and that was a big part of the fazing out of my interactions with him. They seem like a fairly closed culture and stick with them selves, it seems like a common thread among some foreign guys.

If I had known way back then that he was foreign from a closed culture, I may not have tried to approach him at all, it was just he did not appear foreign, he wore American clothes, and did not seem to have a thick accent. I know know that was a mistake for me to think he was American. I just wonder if I have or have committed some faux puase with him.

Still, I was puzzled and me little to this day, that if he had zero interest in me, and was committed to his culture, which I think is the case here, why he did not tell me directly a while ago, and end things with me way back, or for that matter reached out to me on social media at all, it seemed contradictory to his or my perceiving of his body language back at university with him, (we have since both graduated).

 

This is interesting. Perhaps he didn't view reaching out to you via social media as sending any type of signal at all?

 

Exactly. And I am actually confused by her post: Does it mean in the US you cannot have „friendly conversation with a classmate with no intention“ at all?

 

Okay. So I do know from my people in Nigeria (in laws and friends etc) they don’t use contract phones. So you have to recharge both your phone minutes as well as online data. That’s why he said he can’t keep on staying online to chat with you. Secondly, maybe he was flattered by your attention but being from the culture he is he already knew then he would marry an Ethiopian. Maybe she’s someone he already knew before or his family had a hand in the arrangement. Could also be that he didn’t think he was sending any type of signal by talking with a classmate.
I don’t think you did anything wrong talking with him. Just forget about it, nothing spoiled. Don’t let it affect all future interactions with the opposite sex.

 

Different cultures and different ways of interacting.

I have found that some African men have different ideas of friendship. I mean different from ours.
Even when married, they will often keep close relations with their female friends. Too close sometimes !
So I do not think he saw himself as doing anything wrong. He was in a relationship but was close to you too.
I would not describe it as a closed culture. Just their culture.

 

Yeah, I knew I would get confused responses, this is hard to convey on this forum, since no one here has actually seen his interactions with me, only I have.

Yeah, I figured this was the case, but if by suggesting he was flattered, to me that meant he knew I liked him, and it is not just a matter of seeing things differently. I did not even realize he was in Ethiopia to begin with, he did not mention it to me right away, only in our last messenger interaction did he tell me. Also, while reading about Ethiopians and relationships, I read some instances of guys being scammers, cheaters, of being poor communicators, and being flirts. Now I am not saying he is, before anybody says I am crazy or attacking him, or his character, but that it is not all just matter of culture.

Anyway, If that was the case, that he is betrothed to an Ethiopian women, I think he perhaps should have told me this directly in messenger early on, as soon as he knew, and told me that "I am flattred, but we can only be friends, I am committed", or something to that effect, would have gone a long way with me, and cleared up some misunderstanding from the get go, instead of just telling about minutes after while, and then not contacting me after saying he would.

I may not know the details of phones abroad, it did seem like it was a bit of a problem for him, I can understand that, however, and maybe I am wrong here, but since we are connected on Facebook, he does pop up on my newsfeed, and many times, the green button messenger status button would show next to his profile photo as on messenger.

This was after he had told me it was eating his minutes, and that he would talk to me later, ok fair enough it seems like it is hard for him. But since then, many times, Facebook has showed him online on messenger, and it made me wonder if it was so bad, why is he still there and has never reached out to me so far, and it has been months now.

Ok, I might be wrong here, but it made me wonder if was me he was just trying to get away from me, or if it was me somehow, just like the mixed signals I got from him when we were at college. Anyhow, as of now, I don't plan on contacting him again, unless he reaches out to me, to err on the side of caution, since I do not want to cost him anymore, or make it any harder for him, and I assume it is over what little if anything was between us.

Now I realize it could be he needs to save his phone content for just family, but at the same time, with my limited understanding, if anybody can see it from my perspective. At some moments, and as more time passes with nothing from him, after he said he would talk to me later, and seeing his status as on messenger through my Facebook newsfeed, but not reaching out to me, it is beginning to look to me like he was just cutting me loose or using the minutes thing as an excuse to stop contact with me.

Now I know I do not have facts, and since I do not know this for a fact, I know I really cannot conclude anything hardly. I will just have to figure out how to go about a guy should an opportunity arise again.

Anyhow, I am just disappointed it did not work out, as anybody knows romantic rejection can make them go through things, and feel bad, but they get better, and I know I will, it is just going to take me a bit more time, hopefully the universe will open up something or someone else.

I am painfully shy, and it was very hard for me to approach him back at university, and for this, at least I can try to feel good knowing I stepped out of my comfort zone and did not let an opportunity to talk to someone I like pass me by, that has got to count for something right? So a seeming rejection is all the more difficult.

My current circumstances (do not want to get into details on that here), limit me on getting out and meeting people, so that is what made this all the more frustrating, I don't get many opportunities to meet anybody, so telling me it is no big deal, there will be others, is fine for those who can easily get out and meet people again.