love and settling

C

csbean

New Member
When I was 16, my mother told me I should marry someone who loves me more than I love them. She confessed that she loved my father more than he loved her (this was her opinion, not his) and my current stepfather loved her more than she loved him. She claimed that she was much happier with my stepfather, although I felt at the time she was settling.

Now that I am older, I cannot get her nutty advice out of my head as I date. I seem to meet two kinds of men. The first kind I usually feel great passion and attraction for, have a tremendous amount in common with, yet they go on to break my heart because don't want a commitment. The second kind of guy is usually crazy about me (at times it seems without reason) but I'm not terribly attracted to him and I don't feel we have much personally in common.

My girlfriends say I am too picky and should go for the guy who treats me right and will stick around. I feel that I would be settling and would possibly feel compelled to cheat on such a man in the future. My question is, do I have to choose between the two? Or, have I been so unlucky to have not yet met the man who has as much passion for me as I do him?

Here's a wonderfully depressing article on the topic:
http://www.theatlantic.com/doc/200803/single-marry
 
Haha I have been given the same advice by a male friend who is picking his ladies by that criteria..Yet that hasn't worked for either him nor me so far....
Maybe there are cases in which both feel equally attracted to one another.
Just don't panick and stay patient!

csbean said:
When I was 16, my mother told me I should marry someone who loves me more than I love them. She confessed that she loved my father more than he loved her (this was her opinion, not his) and my current stepfather loved her more than she loved him. She claimed that she was much happier with my stepfather, although I felt at the time she was settling.

Now that I am older, I cannot get her nutty advice out of my head as I date. I seem to meet two kinds of men. The first kind I usually feel great passion and attraction for, have a tremendous amount in common with, yet they go on to break my heart because don't want a commitment. The second kind of guy is usually crazy about me (at times it seems without reason) but I'm not terribly attracted to him and I don't feel we have much personally in common.

My girlfriends say I am too picky and should go for the guy who treats me right and will stick around. I feel that I would be settling and would possibly feel compelled to cheat on such a man in the future. My question is, do I have to choose between the two? Or, have I been so unlucky to have not yet met the man who has as much passion for me as I do him?

Here's a wonderfully depressing article on the topic:
http://www.theatlantic.com/doc/200803/single-marry
Click to expand...
 
This is a dilema and I dont know what the answer is.

I mean, I would be VERY offended if I knew someone was "settling" with me. I mean do I not deserve to have someone truly love me?
On the other hand, when does being picky end and "setting" begin?
Also, maybe some people would be perfectly happy with the one they settled with - after all, love isnt end all be all with a marriage - theres so much more that needs to work.

On the other hand, I should probably stay away from the subject as I thought I found the one but am now recently single. I mostly confused about the subject for now.
 
csbean said:
When I was 16, my mother told me I should marry someone who loves me more than I love them. She confessed that she loved my father more than he loved her (this was her opinion, not his) and my current stepfather loved her more than she loved him. She claimed that she was much happier with my stepfather, although I felt at the time she was settling.

Now that I am older, I cannot get her nutty advice out of my head as I date. I seem to meet two kinds of men. The first kind I usually feel great passion and attraction for, have a tremendous amount in common with, yet they go on to break my heart because don't want a commitment. The second kind of guy is usually crazy about me (at times it seems without reason) but I'm not terribly attracted to him and I don't feel we have much personally in common.

My girlfriends say I am too picky and should go for the guy who treats me right and will stick around. I feel that I would be settling and would possibly feel compelled to cheat on such a man in the future. My question is, do I have to choose between the two? Or, have I been so unlucky to have not yet met the man who has as much passion for me as I do him?

Here's a wonderfully depressing article on the topic:
http://www.theatlantic.com/doc/200803/single-marry
Click to expand...

in my opinion, you must be completely, totally & utterly loved by someone who treats you right and will stick around...and you must completely, totally & utterly love them back. life's too short to settle for anything less.
 
csbean said:
My question is, do I have to choose between the two? Or, have I been so unlucky to have not yet met the man who has as much passion for me as I do him?
Click to expand...

I don't believe you do CS, the right combination is likely out there, but it may require quite a bit of patience on your part. If you find the right guy, but he's not ready to commit to marriage, why not just be content to be in a relationship with him? Feelings tend to develop over time and just because he's not ready to marry you right now this instant, doesn't mean that won't change over time. Personally I think it's wise to wait and really get to know someone before marriage becomes a consideration anyway, so the more time the better.

csbean said:
Here's a wonderfully depressing article on the topic:
http://www.theatlantic.com/doc/200803/single-marry
Click to expand...

I hope no one actually takes this article seriously. I think this woman is a little off in her perception and with her advice. Before someone considers taking her advice to just settle on whomever is willing to marry them, they should ask themselves if that's what they would want? How would you feel if your spouse told you: "I just settled for you because I felt there weren't any better options in my foreseeable future. I wouldn't have done that 10 years ago, but you know I just feel like it's time to face facts, your not getting any younger and neither am I." I know that would sure make my heart go pitter patter. WTH?

I don't understand this pressure that some people feel to be married. Sure if you want children then there is a time limit on that, but you don't have to be married to have children. Single women and men have many options for becoming parents, though it still deviates from what much of society may consider traditional, who cares?
 
Bookworm616 said:
Sorry to hear that sweetie. :( I saw your signature yesterday, but I didn't really believe it!

Hugs to you. :smt056 And this to him for letting you go! :butthead:

:smt058
Click to expand...

he's a complete twat in my opinion, but wifey already knows how i feel about the tosspot & what i'd like to do with his balls....:smt067

on another note...don't know why she's taking applications seeing she has me :smt017
 
My father gave me some advice that is almost the same. He said, "the only thing more important than loving someone is being loved". He loved my mother more than she loved him.

I think some of this line of reasoning can be attributed to the old adage, women want to be adored and men want to be admired. I was thinking of this while I got drug to that Twilight movie. Ever notice how in the chick movies, the women are completely adored by the men? And not just the one man, but most all the male characters must adore the female lead. She might have to make some sort of a transformation (such as make over or loose weight) but in the end she will get the man she wants and all other men will be adoring her.

As far as settling (after all that garbage), I cant quite grasp the concept. It eludes me, always has. What is the difference between settling and accepting? There have always been things I wish were different about the men in my life, but does that mean I settled for them or that I accepted them...faults and all? I guess the only difference between the two is attitude. Sorta glass half empty or half full.
 
Bookworm616 said:
Sorry to hear that sweetie. :( I saw your signature yesterday, but I didn't really believe it!

Hugs to you. :smt056 And this to him for letting you go! :butthead:

:smt058
Click to expand...

Well, it is what it is. Thanks sweetie, it means a lot
:-)
 
Tarshibear said:
he's a complete twat in my opinion, but wifey already knows how i feel about the tosspot & what i'd like to do with his balls....:smt067

on another note...don't know why she's taking applications seeing she has me :smt017
Click to expand...

LOL!!!
He has no balls remember??
But lets leave that subject ded and buried shall we?

And IM SO SORRY, I cant take applications, Im w UUUUUuuuuuuuuuuu.
Luuuuuuuuuuubbbb U!!!!
 
I understand CsBeans point though, my dating exsperiences have been similar in the past, I think our perception of people changes all the time and I happily dated a guy for ages who would be considered settling in a (didn't make me wild with passion or even my usual cup of tea) but after a while my idea of him changed, he was funny, all sorts of things I liked about him i would not have known, had I not gone past the 1st few dates.

Unfortunately I have very recently messed that up in a big way, silly girl I am:smt009
 
csbean said:
When I was 16, my mother told me I should marry someone who loves me more than I love them. She confessed that she loved my father more than he loved her (this was her opinion, not his) and my current stepfather loved her more than she loved him. She claimed that she was much happier with my stepfather, although I felt at the time she was settling.

Now that I am older, I cannot get her nutty advice out of my head as I date. I seem to meet two kinds of men. The first kind I usually feel great passion and attraction for, have a tremendous amount in common with, yet they go on to break my heart because don't want a commitment. The second kind of guy is usually crazy about me (at times it seems without reason) but I'm not terribly attracted to him and I don't feel we have much personally in common.

My girlfriends say I am too picky and should go for the guy who treats me right and will stick around. I feel that I would be settling and would possibly feel compelled to cheat on such a man in the future. My question is, do I have to choose between the two? Or, have I been so unlucky to have not yet met the man who has as much passion for me as I do him?

Here's a wonderfully depressing article on the topic:
http://www.theatlantic.com/doc/200803/single-marry
Click to expand...

Someway,in my opinion your mum was right: if you love less, you suffer less. But uhm... what about the joy of giving? I don't know. I wish it was possible to love both at the same way, but they say it's impossible.

I seem to meet the same kind of men you do.

I think your girls are mistaking, I'm sorry. They shouldn't advice you to settle with the men you meet. That's not wanting you to be happy. They should want u to find the right man, not to settle with "a man that treats you right". Probably there would be millions of men that would treat you right. But that wouldn't necessariyl make them the man you want.
Don't settle! In Italy we say: better alone than with a bad company.
 
fly girl said:
As far as settling (after all that garbage), I cant quite grasp the concept. It eludes me, always has. What is the difference between settling and accepting? There have always been things I wish were different about the men in my life, but does that mean I settled for them or that I accepted them...faults and all?
Click to expand...

In strictly linguistic terms for the topic, 'settle' implies and involves compromise(s), whereas 'accept' means that a guy has reached whatever minimum set of criteria you laid down for whatever depth of relationship you want with a man. "Settle down" also means, as well as hunkering down for a committed relationship, that you 'settle' for whatever flaws he brings with him.

It may help if you type out a list of 15 or more characteristics for a guy, under the subheadings, "Ideal", "Minimum", and "Dealbreaker".

Ideal - Denzel face, Terry Crews physique, Barry White voice etc.
Minimum - Aged under 50/60 etc, employed at least a year etc.
Dealbreaker - 2 or more wives, dead through suspicious circumstances before 35 etc.

YOU have to be selective. You'll hardly ever get what you want unless you KNOW what you want, and you need to define it before you can figure out where to find it.
 
very interesting topic

i learn alot from women but i hate to say it sometimes but women tend to make me feel correct when i tend to distance myself when i feel i am given to much of my time.
But sometimes when i distance to far away emotionally i crave it and it unknowlingly leads me to the taught of cheating to find that emotional need.

I dont condone cheating but i see how some guys go their i just believe in myself that if i feel that way it is a sign to just walk away .

I wont soil my own image because she cant allow me in emotionally or she does not care enough to even treat me how i treat her .

I say fuck it and give her the finger and keep it moving ....Im sorry to say i rather be a asshole then be a chump.

Atleast an asshole can hold his head up high
 
fly girl said:
My father gave me some advice that is almost the same. He said, "the only thing more important than loving someone is being loved". He loved my mother more than she loved him.

I think some of this line of reasoning can be attributed to the old adage, women want to be adored and men want to be admired. I was thinking of this while I got drug to that Twilight movie. Ever notice how in the chick movies, the women are completely adored by the men? And not just the one man, but most all the male characters must adore the female lead. She might have to make some sort of a transformation (such as make over or loose weight) but in the end she will get the man she wants and all other men will be adoring her.

As far as settling (after all that garbage), I cant quite grasp the concept. It eludes me, always has. What is the difference between settling and accepting? There have always been things I wish were different about the men in my life, but does that mean I settled for them or that I accepted them...faults and all? I guess the only difference between the two is attitude. Sorta glass half empty or half full.
Click to expand...

I think you are perfectly right, it depends on your attitude. If you are a pessimist, it equals setteling, if you are positive, it equals accepting. But which ever way you chose to look at it, it does not change the fact that no one person is perfect, so you will have to accept whom ever it is for who they are.

I also believe that there are plenty of couples out there that love each other pretty equally. But I do think there are more couples where one person loves the other more. I think it literally comes down to who notices the other first.

Flyingeek said:
This is a dilema and I dont know what the answer is.

I mean, I would be ...
Click to expand...

A Flying, I know a guy, that knows a guy, if you need it lol.
 
Jaybee in WWBM said:
In strictly linguistic terms for the topic, 'settle' implies and involves compromise(s), whereas 'accept' means that a guy has reached whatever minimum set of criteria you laid down for whatever depth of relationship you want with a man. "Settle down" also means, as well as hunkering down for a committed relationship, that you 'settle' for whatever flaws he brings with him.

It may help if you type out a list of 15 or more characteristics for a guy, under the subheadings, "Ideal", "Minimum", and "Dealbreaker".

Ideal - Denzel face, Terry Crews physique, Barry White voice etc.
Minimum - Aged under 50/60 etc, employed at least a year etc.
Dealbreaker - 2 or more wives, dead through suspicious circumstances before 35 etc.

YOU have to be selective. You'll hardly ever get what you want unless you KNOW what you want, and you need to define it before you can figure out where to find it.
Click to expand...
thanks for the advice, but I am married.

I honestly believe the difference between accepting and settling is love. Before we fall in love with someone, their faults are something we have to settle for. But once we love them, we accept them as they are, faults and all.

Before I married my current husband, I said I would absolutely never date a doctor. I spend too much of my time, money and energy dealing with health issues and I didnt want to have to deal with a doc at home. And it was a very hard criteria for me. Then I met my husband. I opened my life/home for friendship and in stepped love. Suddenly all those things about him that I thought were unacceptable became unimportant. Physiologically speaking, isnt that what romantic love is meant to do for us? Keep us together as a family regardless of issues that would otherwise drive us away?


I guess to answer the original question, if you dont love them properly then you are settling. Because once you do love them, you would never consider it settling.
 
csbean said:
When I was 16, my mother told me I should marry someone who loves me more than I love them. She confessed that she loved my father more than he loved her (this was her opinion, not his) and my current stepfather loved her more than she loved him. She claimed that she was much happier with my stepfather, although I felt at the time she was settling.

Now that I am older, I cannot get her nutty advice out of my head as I date. I seem to meet two kinds of men. The first kind I usually feel great passion and attraction for, have a tremendous amount in common with, yet they go on to break my heart because don't want a commitment. The second kind of guy is usually crazy about me (at times it seems without reason) but I'm not terribly attracted to him and I don't feel we have much personally in common.

My girlfriends say I am too picky and should go for the guy who treats me right and will stick around. I feel that I would be settling and would possibly feel compelled to cheat on such a man in the future. My question is, do I have to choose between the two? Or, have I been so unlucky to have not yet met the man who has as much passion for me as I do him?

Here's a wonderfully depressing article on the topic:
http://www.theatlantic.com/doc/200803/single-marry
Click to expand...

CS, when I read your thread, it made me think about a very similar thread I made. You are not alone in thinking or feeling the way you do. I battle with this issue often as well. I'm torn and of course, still single.

Here's my thread to shed some mutual light on the topic:

http://www.whitewomenblackmen.com/forum/showthread.php?t=12475
 
csbean said:
When I was 16, my mother told me I should marry someone who loves me more than I love them. She confessed that she loved my father more than he loved her (this was her opinion, not his) and my current stepfather loved her more than she loved him. She claimed that she was much happier with my stepfather, although I felt at the time she was settling.

Now that I am older, I cannot get her nutty advice out of my head as I date. I seem to meet two kinds of men. The first kind I usually feel great passion and attraction for, have a tremendous amount in common with, yet they go on to break my heart because don't want a commitment. The second kind of guy is usually crazy about me (at times it seems without reason) but I'm not terribly attracted to him and I don't feel we have much personally in common.

My girlfriends say I am too picky and should go for the guy who treats me right and will stick around. I feel that I would be settling and would possibly feel compelled to cheat on such a man in the future. My question is, do I have to choose between the two? Or, have I been so unlucky to have not yet met the man who has as much passion for me as I do him?

Here's a wonderfully depressing article on the topic:
http://www.theatlantic.com/doc/200803/single-marry
Click to expand...

I wrote this original post over a month ago, when I was stuck between two men. As you can guess, I was in love with and extremely attracted to one guy who is a commitment-phobic jerk. There was also a second guy who absolutely adored me and told me he was in love with me. I didn't like him for superficial reasons and a lot of friends told me if the second guy doesn't feel right, I should cut off all ties to him. I toiled over this decision for some time.

I initially wasn't as sexually attracted to the second guy as the first, but in many ways he was a better fit for me. The first guy had a baby by an ex who hates him and is struggling financially (by his own doing.) The second guy has no children and is more successful in many aspects of his life.

I also had to take a long, hard look at myself. Why was I always latching on to jerks who were beneath me? I have a master's degree, am about to start working on my Dr. yet I've been with guys who've been to prison. I think there was also a messed up part of me that believed I didn't deserve to be loved as completely as this guy does.

Ladies, I've seen the light and I'm here to tell you to look for a man with substance. A guy who has his shit together, because if you're like me the other fools aren't worth your tears. I've chosen the second guy, who is now my #1. I'm happy with him and for the first time in a long time, I feel he is someone with whom I can have a stable relationship and future.
 
csbean said:
I wrote this original post over a month ago, when I was stuck between two men. As you can guess, I was in love with and extremely attracted to one guy who is a commitment-phobic jerk. There was also a second guy who absolutely adored me and told me he was in love with me. I didn't like him for superficial reasons and a lot of friends told me if the second guy doesn't feel right, I should cut off all ties to him. I toiled over this decision for some time.

I initially wasn't as sexually attracted to the second guy as the first, but in many ways he was a better fit for me. The first guy had a baby by an ex who hates him and is struggling financially (by his own doing.) The second guy has no children and is more successful in many aspects of his life.

I also had to take a long, hard look at myself. Why was I always latching on to jerks who were beneath me? I have a master's degree, am about to start working on my Dr. yet I've been with guys who've been to prison. I think there was also a messed up part of me that believed I didn't deserve to be loved as completely as this guy does.

Ladies, I've seen the light and I'm here to tell you to look for a man with substance. A guy who has his shit together, because if you're like me the other fools aren't worth your tears. I've chosen the second guy, who is now my #1. I'm happy with him and for the first time in a long time, I feel he is someone with whom I can have a stable relationship and future.
Click to expand...

That's awesome! Congrats to you! :smt023
 
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