What is romantic love?

Is romantic love really just a sexually charged friendship? What is it that makes people 'lovers' rather than good friends who have a physically intimate relaionship?

I don't pretend to be an expert in neuroscience but I know that dopamine, norepipherine, phenethylamine and testosterone all play a role in sexual attraction (I may be excluding some other neurotransmitters). To my understanding, dopamine is responsible for pleasure, norepipherine behaves like adrenaline, phenethylamine is responsible for sexual excitement and all four are closely related/work together . Oxytocin, which is also released during sexual arousal (I've read that all positive, physical contact increases oxytocin), is responsible for feelings of affection/love but not romantic love specifically, any kind of platonic love. All of these hormones play a role in the feeling of romantic love (serotonin is actually decreased during sexual arousal) but when you take away the sexual component, is there anything left that would distinguish romantic love from platonic companionship?

This is probably a naive question but why is a romantic relationship considered "work"? I often hear people say this but why isn't a friendship considered "work"? Why is romantic affection expected to reach some end-goal (ie. marrying or even necessarily moving in together), why can't two people simply express affection (cuddling, kissing, sex) without making the relationship 'official' in some way?

 

Good questions Afrolove!

 

I think friendship needs work also. One of my favorite sayings is "friendship is like dogs, you have to walk them" - please dont missunderstand, I just mean you have to spend some effort on true friendships.

If you wanna cuddle, kissing, sex without the commitment, then it isnt romantic love.
Romantic love goes beyond that, an emotional bond etc. Oxytocin is released upon touch such as non sexual tpouch like holding hands etc - and that hormone is the one that increases the "bondning" feeling.

I think there is a number of different loves and all relationships do not need to be "official" or lead anywhere, sometimes they just take their course and are over when the flame is out - kissing, cuddling, sex w/o an "official" relationship stamp - perfectly fine as long as everybody is on the same page.
Some relationship were never meant for anything more.

But if it truly is romantic love, then you automatically want more than just the physical contact. it goes beyond that.
Maybe you really havent been truly in love???? ???
Just a question. I have been in lust quite a few times, in love - not so easy to come by (at least not for me), hence my question to you based on your question... a very good question btw. TY.

 

How does romantic affection go 'beyond' cuddling, kissing etc. if these actions are done out of affection (unless you want to get into love vs. affection which I believe are two different degrees of the same basic emotion)? A commitment is just a pledge to interact with someone (or behave in a certain way) based on a pre-planned set of obligations, you can love someone without commiting to them and commit to someone without loving them.

Oxytocin is also released through talking with friends, eye contact, breastfeeding etc.

I understand that romantic love is more than just physical intimacy, I just want to 'find out' if, minus the sexual/phyical component, it's fundamentally different than platonic companionship.

I'm not trying to make a 'statement', although I see some logic in the idea that romantic love is a physically intimate friendship, I'm just curious. I don't think that you or Athena are 'wrong'.

*takes a bow*

Were you not attracted to him before sex was involved? Could the distinction between your friends and your boyfriend be based on the fact that you aren't sexually intimate with or attracted to them?

 

Thats why I said "etc", giggle....

I really do think its a very good question and I think there is probably as many answers as people on the board, at least - and then some
I cant wait to see what else people think about this topic.

 

I thought he was attractive but when I first met him and for some time afterward, I hadn't considered sleeping with him. (It's not my first thought with a good looking guy despite rumours to the contrary lol).

Regarding your second Q, yes that could be one of the distinctions between lovers and friends.

 

You explained that very well. In a friendship we often just spend time with the friend,listen to their problems,they listen to ours,we have fun together.
A romantic relationship when it's not only about sex but involving a commitment requires trust,actions that keep our partner's trust,expressing affection and admiration,of course recreational companionship,too,and conversation & support as in a friendship.But everything is a little "closer"since we picked that person to be our mate.

 

I think when you take away the sex, romantic love really is a devoted, intense friendship. There are a few rare friendships like that, where you want to spend all your time together, you call them every time something happens in your life, and you simply cannot imagine your life without them. Not everyone finds a friendship like that, but most people have at least known of one. I think the line between that type of friendship and romantic love minus sex is a very thin one.

Those friendships are what they are because both people "get" each other. They can be themselves and feel totally safe, because they can totally trust each other. This means they have to be willing and able and happy to give whatever it is the other needs to feel that comfortable. Otherwise, they aren't meant to have that kind of companionship. For some people, that will include making things official, because commitment is what they need to feel that relaxed around each other. Others need to make things official because that validation that the feelings are shared is what they need to feel that relaxed around each other. Even amongst platonic friends, there is a period where declarations may need to be made.

But no, I don't think it is the same for everyone. For some people, romantic love can exist with no strings at all.

 

:smt020

Funny thing is I wrote along string , that somehow dissapeared that said eaxctly that

so - co-sign

 

I have been pondering this type of thing for a while now.

I have come to the following draft idea.

That language is too limiting in trying to articulate a feeling and really, it cannot be done. You must speak honestly to your heart and know how to listen well. A wordless dialogue. Know the difference between lust, friendship, emotion, attachment and all those other things. And, somewhere, where they all cross (and this point is different for everyone), there is love.

For me...

It's a deep friendship
It's a commitment that exists despite you
It's trust and respect
It's attraction
It's care and concern
It's knowing what I want for myself and what I don't want in a relationship
It's understanding that nothing is perfect
It's effective communication
etc, etc...

Of course, these things could be attributable to a myriad of relationship types. I feel these things for many good friends in different ways and amounts. So, I will close by saying, it is the person that brings these things to you and that rises above all the rest in your mind. The person who you are happiest with the most.