wwud #1- dear abby: Ex-Wife's Son Is Painful Reminder.

What would you do part 1....

if you were dear abby what would you tell the reader instead

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DEAR ABBY: I was divorced when my son was 9. He's now 24. My ex-wife married the man she had been having an affair with and they have a 12-year-old son. I am also remarried and in a good place in my life.


For the past two years, my son has brought his half brother to our beach house for a weekend of fun. We honored this request and enjoy time with our son, but it is difficult having his half brother in my home. It brings up emotions I thought I had put behind me years ago.


I do not want these visits to continue, and I need to communicate this. I'd like to have an adult conversation with my son to explain the situation. How much do I tell him about my emotional reasons without being negative about his mom?


I also don't think he should have to carry the news to my ex or disappoint a 12-year-old. Should I send a simple note to her and explain that we will no longer host her son? -- NEEDS THE RIGHT WORDS


DEAR NEEDS: By all means write your ex. Explain that entertaining her son brings up emotions you would rather not have to relive. It's not the boy's fault that he's the flesh-and-blood symbol of his mother's infidelity, but you don't have to have him there if you don't want to.


If you would like to have a man-to-man talk with your son, go ahead and do it. He's an adult. Tell him pretty much the same thing -- that having the boy over is painful for you and, therefore, you prefer the beach house visits stop. You are entitled to your feelings, and your son is old enough to appreciate them.
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Instead of telling what dear abby said I would say:

dear sir,

I understand your feelings. It is hurtful that someone betray you as she did and it is constant reminder of it all. Im gathering to some extent that you and your ex get along because the child is coming with the brother.

the fact that you have remarried says that you have moved on but the point you are broaching the past via the child says differently.

it would be best not to say anything and understand that your feelings is not the only one that has been hurt, and will reopen wounds if you bring this up. look around and be joyful for what you have.

dont give your ex the pleasure of knowing she can still hurt you. also you could start unneeded conflicts that will expend energy that can be channelled somewhere else that is productive.

dont be a victim of the past... be the victor over it and be joyful of the present and for the future.

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what would your advice be

 

Stop being a bitch and let the boys enjoy their fun.

 

Agree. He is the adult and should not let this affect the children. Geez. He say he is in a good place and thus, he kid should not be a reminder. He needs to let go

 

I think you can have moved on and still not want those lives bleeding across lines and into each other. You should do nothing to prevent your son from having a full life with his mother and her family, but you also have a right to a life of your own with your family, which does not include your ex-wife and her offspring. You should not be cruel to the child as he bears no responsibility, but you just not be available for those types of visits and arrange time with your son by himself with you and your new significant other. All sides need to keep to themselves and respect each other's distance and boundaries.

 

^^ This.

 

^^This.

 

yeah but i believe he should just suck it up and move on. he dont have to deal with the ex anymore because they are divorce and the son is grown up

 

I agree, but to me "moving on" does not include housing your ex's offspring. By having nothing to do with her beyond what is required to care for your own child, you are moving on, in my opinion.

 

i get what u are sayng...my thing is just dont say shit because you dont need to start any uncomfortable feelingfs between you and the son. he may feel he would have to choose between the father and the mother in a sense

 

I'm totally with you on this. You must NEVER disparage the other parent to the child. The child may initially believe the naysaying parent and turn against the other, but eventually the child will mature and realize that for what it was - manipulation - and resent the first parent for instilling it in him. The only thing I focus on in my relationship with my son is my son. No more, no less. I don't even mention his mother other than to remind him to call her when he's with me, which is more than she does. And the results are already coming to pass.

 

Agree the father needs to get over it.

 

oh yes....it will eventually get out. I have heard people say that

 

yeah because anything will remind you of the affair....ie a song, a movie or the food she loved to eat. I mean damn

 

If his son were young too, I'd say man up and get over it. But, his son is a grown man. He should understand his father's displeasure at having to host the offspring of his cheating wife and the guy she cheated with.

It'd be a different thing if it were the child of a guy his wife met after they had broken up. Then, he should get over himself. But this is the son of the guy his wife cheated with. If he goes for that he might as well be a cuck. ...lol

 

What does 'getting over with it' constitute for you? I think I'm getting confused or not understanding what everyone else thinks is sufficient or adequate behavior here. To me, not wanting his ex's other offspring at his house doesn't mean he isn't over it. His responsibility is to his son, not to his ex or her family. As long as he expresses himself respectfully and doesn't disparage his ex to his son or say something cruel to her other innocent minor child, I think he's in the clear.