Why Do American Women Keep Doing This?

Well...I kinda feared this might happen given what appears to be a string of bad luck with many of my attempts at dating for the most part, and it actually did. The "teacher" in question who I met (or at least I thought I did meet) at the lounge in Old City, Philadelphia last Saturday night hasn't returned my call. I met her on a Friday night and called her on Sunday night of last week. Then I did a follow-up call last night just to see. The phone rang both times but went straight to her voice mail. During the first call, I gave her my number and I said I had a great time with her and would have liked to see her again. The second time, I just said "Well, I'm just trying to see if I might be able to get a hold of you this time." I certainly won't call her again. I have a limit of two, phone calls when it comes to women I'm trying to get to know. More than two calls and the person might think I'm some kind of psycho or desperate or too aggressive.

There's one main aspect about American women that I don't appreciate, especially with many of those who go to clubs and bars. For goodness sake, if I talk to you and you don't think you're interested, don't feel attracted to me or don't think I'm your "type," (since they like to put men into all sorts of categories) why in the world would you give me your number? I'd rather that you make up a lie about having a boyfriend...or anything, just anything to help make me understand immediately that you're not interested, instead of leading me the wrong way-making me develop false hopes that you know will never be realized; hurting and messing with my emotions to satisfy whatever thrill or high that you might have. I understand many American women enjoy attention and love the control and power that comes with being desired by a man and not reciprocating the same feelings, but for goodness sake, how would you feel if a man were to do the same thing?

Now, I'm not one who gets pissed off easily, but my heart's really wounded right now and I'm deeply upset because this is something I've been experiencing for at least 8 years. Out of perhaps a percentage of 100 American women I have met, only 30% have seemed to be genuine, while the remaining 70% have been unbelievably superficial.

The one mistake I have learned never to make again is to buy a woman a drink before asking if she would like to dance with me. I used to be taken advantage of so many times in those situations that it's amazing. The worst experiences I had with two, such women some time last year are still deeply rooted in my memory:

I met this white woman and her friend at a club in the King of Prussia, PA area. The one I was interested in was brunette and curvy, thick with a big behind that I couldn't help but notice. I offered her a drink, she accepted and we went to the bar. I think the drink she ordered came up to $10. I hung out with her for a little bit and when we walked away from the bar, the woman still holding her glass in hand, I asked her if she would like to dance. She said she would dance with me as soon as she finished drinking. Then I noticed her whispering something to her blonde friend. She then came over to me and said her friend wasn't feeling well and that she would accompany her to the ladies' room. I said that was fine, assuming that she would come back and get me so we can dance. I waited and waited and waited again. Then I got up from my seat and walked to the dance floor. Who did I see? Those two, flaky women dancing. As soon as the brunette friend saw me, she attempted hiding her face behind someone's back. I went up to her and I said:

"Hey...I thought you'd come get me so we can dance."
She responded, rudely:

"I didn't know where you were!"

I danced with her for a few minutes, probaly less than four minutes, then she left me for some Asian guy on the dance floor. I noticed a clear difference in her attitude when she was dancing with him: she smiled, she turned him around, he turned her around, etc. Yet when I was dancing with her, she didn't even as much as touch me with her index finger.

I called her aside politely to tell her that I was quite disappointed with her behavior. At least, I appreciated her blunt honesty in this circumstance, even though it kind of took me by surprise:

"Listen. You don't know me like that, ok?" she said. "I didn't really come here to meet anyone. I just came here to have fun. Give me some space. You offered to buy me a drink. I didn't ask you for it, and I don't really like you..."

This was the first time I ever cursed out at someone...upon seeing how much I was used and exploited. I told her I deeply regretted buying her a drink, that I thought she was a terrible person and that she should go f---herself." Never before have I felt so satisfied at speaking my mind to an individual as I did that night.

The second experience wasn't any different from the first, except that this time it took place in Old City and the woman in question was some shoulder-length haired brunette with very big boobs who came into the lounge I was at with an African-American female friend of hers. I made the same mistake and then she came up with an excuse and sneaked off to the dance floor, much like the other woman did to me in King of Prussia. I caught up with her at the dance floor and she too tried to hide from me upon noticing me approaching. She whispered to her black female friend and I just knew that I was in for something similar. I was able to dance with her for a little bit, but at the end, she was reluctant to let me have her number. She asked me if I had a business card and insisted on mine instead. I said "no." I told her I would prefer that we both exchanged numbers. I don't remember exactly what she did after that, but I think she said something that really hurt my feelings and I almost lost it. I asked her if she didn't have a conscience. How could she stoop so low and feel comfortable exploiting men with good intentions who come to these places hoping to meet people and have stable, longterm relationships with women? Didn't she have any shame? She saw that I was very upset. Nonetheless, she gave me a fake number just so that I could stop talking to her.

At this point in time, I even wonder if the woman I met last Friday was actually a teacher, and if she didn't make that up just to find something compatible with what I told her I was doing in grad school-journalism and creative writing. I also noticed that she was in there with two, female friends who came across very much like the superficial type and I do remember one of them continually looking at us while we were dancing. Anyway, that is over...but if she wasn't genuine with me last Friday, she must be a very good actress if the change in her behavior isn't as a result of her friends' influence.

So I find myself in a country where men are not encouraged to be sensitive. Hearless women such as these can continue breaking our hearts and using and exploiting our emotions, but we don't have the right to complain because we would be called wimps. Because we are men, it is acceptable for us to be humiliated and ridiculed even to levels that could hurt our self-esteem. Just because you may see tears rolling down a man's cheeks sometimes doesn't mean that he's weak. It shows that he has a heart. It was so refreshing to me for a change to see the soccer players who got eliminated during the recently concluded World Cup expressing their emotions out in tears...and not caring what anyone thought about that. And for men like me who don't fit the anti-social, thuggish black male description, it seems these days to be a no-win situation both with many young, black females as with white ones. I saw it first hand last Friday at another predominantly Hip-Hop club where young, white females have begun getting into to possibly meet black males. (after all it's predominantly black and I've never seen white guys in there-it's called The 5 Spot, in Old City) It was so embarrassing to notice the kinds of guys many of these white females ended up hooking up with at the end of the night. Guys walking around looking like clowns with their pants hanging down and over-sized T-shirts. You could see the white females pulling their hands, leading them into their cars so that they could make out.

I need to strongly re-evaluate the places where I hang out at, in order to make sufficient changes. I'm sick and tired of the superficial and drunk crowd that consistently hangs out in areas like Old City. I'm tired of all the superficial women in night clubs, 90% of whom you can't hold a decent conversation with. I guess these places just aren't appropriate for men like me looking for true love and relationships. I can count the number of times I have met a decent woman in most of these places.

It's unfortunate that I have to conclude my post thus, but coming from another culture, and having lived in the U.S. now for 10 years, it just seems to me after careful observation that in the American dating game, women have way, too much power over men. There needs to be some kind of balance. I don't think that's fair at all. Sure, I do appreciate and support the women's liberation movements here in America and equal rights for women, but for goodness sake, I think this whole feminism thing has gotten into the heads of many young American women and that's what just kills them...kills them. I seem to be getting very close to that point where I might have to consider searching for European women, if they are truly less superficial than their American counterparts, although I'm not sure where to do so...especially in this ridiculous Philadelphia and its shallow and superficial dating scene.

The irony is that many of these same women from whom I experienced all this superficial rejection would probably think I'm now good enough to date them if I were to become a star and they saw me on TV doing an interview or if I got some kind of positive media exposure. It's so sad. This country's really messed up.

 

two things

1. I agree totally with what you said

2. are you saying that women of other countries dont do this? I have dated women from germany, england, canada, spain, australia, poland, czech republic, burundi, swaziland, norway, argentina, saudi arabia, costa rica, mexico, honduras, korea, brazil, colombia, PR, USA, Greece.

I dont see where there is a big difference in the way they behave toward men who are interested in them. they act as if they are not interested in you unless they are overly interested in you

 

You know what? I seriously am starting to re-consider American women altogether myself, and I never even go to bars and clubs. What does THAT tell ya? :smt011 :roll:

Uh huh...

:lol:

I think that this answers half of your question...

Says most of the rest here...

You know it.

 

Re:

I guess it's not an American thing, then. I probably can only speak based on my own culture. I just think it helps a whole lot if a woman gives a man a hint right away that she doesn't think he's the kind of guy she'd want to date so that he could move on and search for someone else. I've come to a point where I'm getting quite fared up with all of this messing around with people's emotions.There's no point trying to be nice or to conceal what's actually in their hearts. Dating is such a hassle in this county.

 

I agree with you, i wish that women were more honest. Here in philly the worst treatment I get is from these liberal white women on the street, who if you look at them they will openly look the other way, even if you are not trying to talk to them. I have started just walking with my head down like Emmett Tills mother told him to do in the Jim Crow South--its that bad up here.

Dating in the US is not that hard, you have to just be at the right place and setting.

those Martini bars are for the the pretentious women who want to think they are Paris Hilton with lots of money but they are often using credit cards they cant pay off. the martini lounge places are also for the gay men and metrosexual men who dont expect to meet a woman for a real relationship.

The dance clubs are often where women know men are for pick ups


Go to a not so obvious place like a nice bar or place with live Music like Tin Angel or Kyber, or the blues or jazz places like Chris'. I am married but if I go in there by myself, i always get women talking to me, becasue I dont talk to them

 

and you cant expect a woman to be very genuine at a club, a real sincere woman will be in church or the museum or at the theatre, but clubs are filled with phonies but women and men

 

See, this is exactly why I never go.

 

To be very honest, i do not think there is anything that i can say that has not already been said. Whilst i was a free agent, let me just say that women i met at clubs and bars were the ones i took home for one-night stands and nothing else. In previous relationships, i never met any woman i dated at a bar or any social gathering. I consider places for fun as that; for fun. When its time to be serious, i know just what to do, where to do with, when to do it and how to do it. Besides, most of the women i have met at bars would pretty much be an embarassment to me if i present them to anyone.

 

tis true, shaft must be a young buck to be still going to the club trying to meet a good woman. if they are that old at the club still, they are not top quality.

he is an educated man and he should be cultivating that at places where educators, artists, business women, lawyers are. nice places. try the hotel bars if you are going to go any where but you have to check out places beside the clubs where they just are ther efor the hook up, as the young folks call it

 

shaft, these are the top places for singles to meet in Philly

http://cityguide.aol.com/philadelphia/bestsinglesscene/

 

Re:

Thanks again Tucker, and to you too, Laydeezmanchris. I don't consider myself that young anymore at 28. Perhaps it could just be that the lounges and bars in Old City Philadelphia were the only places I knew. And I understand exactly what you're saying about white women looking away to prevent you from even making eye contact with them. It's such a shame. It happens to me all the time here in Philly. Out of curiosity, Laydeezmanchris, do you mind sharing with me some of the techniques you have used in the past (that worked) to get a woman from the club to have a one-night stand with you? I'm curious because in the clubs and places I go to, the women there for the most part act as if they aren't interested in going home with men that same night or doing the one-night stand thing. They love to give men an unnecessarily hard time. I think it's really unfortunate that I've had such experiences. It seems as if a one-night stand is an important part of a man's social life in America. I've never experienced it...and throughout my college, undergraduate years, I never had a girlfriend either. I just have kept on meeting these really terrible people.

 

you are going to the wrong places, those places are filled with yuppies looking to social climb, so the women are looking for wealthy white men and the men are looking for thoroughbred women.

the women know they have the upper hand in philly too, but they are not going to go home with you in a big city where alot of the white men are openly gay, alot of the black men are on teh DL, there is AIDS rampant in the big city, there is rape and violence all the time/

smaller college towns are the safetest places to be to meet a nice girl, hang out talking, making out in the parking lot and getting her number and taking her home.

city women are hyper feminist, materialist, angry, prejudiced, critical, rude and mean. If youare lucky you can find a nice woman, but not in the downtown clubs, even the white guys have trouble finding women here in the city

 

Look Shaft I am going to be critical for a moment.
1) You seemed to come on to strong with these women after you bought them a drink.(read your post again)
2) Most of these women up in the club are not the types you want to take home to meet mom and dad.
3) You really can't get mad at a dude getting the women no matter how they dress,remember don't judge a book by it's cover.
4) Never really offer to buy anyone a drink,I know that sounds mean,but that is what alot of women do not all but some just troll for drinks.
5) Not all American women are like that and I am sure you know that,trust me when I say it can also happen in a foreign country just as easily.
6) Alot not of these foreign women just want a free pass to America of course they are going to be extra nice.
7) Just try to act casual in the club don't come off to needy trust me they will come to you man.
No I am not judging you just passing friendly advice, Last but not lest try and meet women at the library,coffee shop,musuen or a book store,stay away from club women, also if you are into religon try church.

 

so shaft, what are you looking for in a woman?

you have been in teh USA for 8 years and you dont know that the cities are superficial places where most of the women are superficial??

all of the tv shows are about womens looks, breast implants, flat stomachs, carrying a pet in a bag. Women dont talk about Condi Rice as a hero, they talk about Paris Hilton and Sex in the City as their role models. What do you expect from going to the most superficial places in the city?

why are you not going to the cool places where the intelligent people are, not the place where women with big boobs are?

often times I wonder what we have Universities for, if the most educated act like the least educated. Men are no longer gentlemen and so the women have to be rough and tough.

there are many places in Philly to meet choice women, some disco is not one of them. cultivate your mind my brother, go to the lectures at Library lecture series or Barnes and Noble readings. Go to the Phila Museum of Art or the Constitution Center. On Wednesdays after work, lots of singles go to the art museum for singles nite.

old city is not the good crowd, the good crowd goes to Rittenhouse square, to Mt Airy, to the thinking things like art, jazz, classical(at the Kimmel), dinner at a reasonable restaurant, bookstores and charity walks.

only the superficial still hang out at night clubs for pick ups

 

i have never bought a stranger a drink before. I dont get it, why try to entice them to talk to you by buying them a drink. when i was dating, i could go into a bar or club or place and just meet a woman without ever having to buy her a drink.

Now, if we start talking and we seem to be hitting it off, then I will ask her if she would like a drink, that is only having manners. but to walk to a woman and say can i buy you a drink? Why, didnt she come with money to the bar?

why dont they buy you a drink? they are always talking about equal rights, well show it.

I pay for dates, buy dinner, buy tickets, etc. but never just a random female stranger. if you have nothing substantive to say, buying her a drink wont help.

also, though i dont think shaft is listening to me. Women in places like Philly, Boston and New York are way superficial and shallow and will treat a brother like crap

why has shaft not taken my advice and looked at the women dying to meet black me online, who he can chat with a bit adn then meet for a mocha at starbuck in Philly??

Shaft:

www.interracialmatcher.com
www.interracialsingles.net
www.blackandwhitesingles.com

 

Good job Tuck, you win the prize for best suggestion...

Shaft, first of all, you ARE still young at 28. Now when you hit 38, that is a new ball game.

I am only 27 with decent experience (within the past 2-5 years, late bloomer :wink: ) with the women and I will tell you what works It is basically the exact same thing as Tuck said. I am a digital artist. I live, breathe, and eat anyting related to computers and the arts for breakfast.
I knew from the jump that I had no business going to clubs to meet like minded women....same as your case. You are educated, so you need to be picking up girls that are on the same level as you are. You do not want to be unequally yolked. :wink:

Shaft, my brother, you are fishing in the wrong pond.......
Don't waste your time with these white, asian, or whatever girls with no substance or character. If you are just looking for a good f*** then, that is another story....

Tuck already hit the bullseye of what is wrong with your choices Shaft, but I will make his point even clearer again and speak from my own experiences.......

I have found out that ANY woman of substance and character will not be found in a club, lounge, parties, or your typical social gatherings that emphasize and encourage reckless and non-brain stimulating behavior such as drinking uncontrollably, orgies, and what-not. You should go to places that have more emphasis on intellectual or spiritual stimulation such as the poetry gatherings, art galleries, librairies (barnes and nobles + border book stores), churches, and other gatherings that women of character and are smart (like you are) will be found. The internet and the gym are also very good places to meet good women, but beware, on the net, make sure it is really their pics they are showing you

Finding women of character and substance is not hard if you go to the right places, but BEWARE :twisted:. Get all of the fake, drop-dead gorgeous images you see on TV out of your head. A lot of them won't be that type so you can't judge them on TV standards. Don't get me wrong though, because they are some gorgeous homely types...just don't expect them ALL to be breath-taking.

 

i had to reread Shafts initial post, boy did i miss some things.

Shaft: my brotha!! you cant go around lecturing women on the dance floor, here in the US or anywhere else in the world. First, the woman in King of Prussia was right, you offered to buy her a drink, she didnt ask you to. then you said it cost $10, who the hell buys a stranger a $10 dollar drink??? Please take this kindly sir, some men think they are purchasing a woman just by buying her a drink. but only a fool parts with his money like that. Save your money for investing in the stock market bro, dont throw your money away like that.

Unless the woman comes up to you to talk and shows a great deal of interest, dont assume she likes you. If she walks away with a girlfriend to the bathroom or dance floor, let them go and dont go hunting for them, that is called stalking here in teh USA and I am sure in most of the western world.

play it cool, people nowadays go to clubs to hang out with just friends not to be picked up by a stranger. Just kindly say, thanks for the chat and resume your evening with yourself or friends.

dont curse a woman out for not being interested in you, if she is not then she is not. the police the mostly white suburbs of King of Prussia will be happy to lock a brotha up for sexual assault or harrassment.

figure out what you are talking about with these women. ask yourself, what kind of woman is going to be in a club and what type of woman would I like to really have a relationship with.

dont throw yourself at women and dont get angry when they dont respond the way you think they should. if they respond badly, take it as a good sign that she was a bad choice. Normally good women dont hang at clubs.


most relationships happen through friends or family members introducing you

on college, university campus,

at church, mosque or synagogue

doing volunteer, social services and hobbies and organizations

NOT Clubs where people put a fake face on and are often drunk

 

Guys, it's pretty simple: When you look for women in a club or a bar, you will inevitably meet a woman who frequents clubs or bars. Tuck is right. Find her at church, maybe take a non-credit class.

 

good idea rose, i love those great community classes in art and creative writing, photography

 

Or go volunteer doing something you are passionate about. I work with special ed kids for a living. I have to tell you, there is nothing more attractive than a man who thinks beyond his own immediate needs.