Who adores their men more?

not expecting a parental level of care, but I thought men/women in relationships were supposed to take care of each other??

 

exactly tammy and that was one of the elements in my marriage that destroyed it. i'll take care of you, but i'm not here to be your mother, nor am i here be wholly responsible for our relationship


edit: any man with mother issues needs to stay the hell away from me

 

i guess experience hasn't been kind. it shapes all of us to an extent but I think the biblical route is the best.

no mother issues. no family issues. i just think everyone should take care of each other. friends, lovers, family. guess i'm just an idealistic hippy haha.

 

thanks lol

 

You cannot assume I am pushing a stereotype without my confirmation. And if there ever is a stereotype, that means something about it is true, otherwise it would not exist. Stereotypes may help or hurt depending on the individuals agend

 

People are a race, and people follow traits and their culture. Regardless of whether or not you can find another group of people who do this, they likely share common things, race or religion. By Caucasian traits, I mean I do not care. I have seen the European traits and see things I do and do not like. But for a mother to give her first born away so easily, is odd. I saw it. She was Chinese. After talking to her, this was a Chinese thing to do. Say what you want. Just because everyone is doing it does not make it right. I would be infuriated with my mother if she did this. Then again, I come from a different culture where the women actually love their sons, so much that they raise them.father swims. Just because we swim doesn't mean that all black people know how to swim. These constraints are for a particular person because all people are different.

 

I do not think it is a coincidence that the majority of people who feel this way are women. I think this is due to how they relate to men. It is possible that they have dated men who had a close relationship with his mother. I have seen this scene unfold. The man dates the woman and his mother is a part of his life, not the relationship. He realizes she is not good enough for him, and she real the same thing. Then the couple realizes they were wrong for each other and the woman blames the mother for the breakup, yet the mother and her son become closer.

 

In my honest opinion, this is not the 1960's...."catering to your man" sounds like such a gender role specific duty and considering I believe societies idea of the gender role to be quite archaic, I'd be hard press to find a female attractive that strictly wants to wait at my every beckon. I dont want a slave and I have no desire to own my wife (women are not cattle), neither do I feel as if I need to be a father figure and "take care" of her in that sense. If a woman is self-sustainable with out a man in her life, thats the woman I want. God forbid something happens to me but she needs to be able to maintain sans my presence. Having to "take care" of someone is not my idea of a relationship. A relationship is not about forming dependencies on one another and this is what 90% of people fail to realize.

Men whom have been married for long stretches tend to complain that their woman is lazy and needy.....well fella you made her that way. Wanting to do EVERYTHING for her, wait on her hand and foot and put her on a pedestal. The end results is someone who has been stripped of any remaining strands of independence that may have been left.

Women whom have been married for extended lengths tend to complain that their spouse has changed, become distant an/or never spend any time together. Well ma'am, he has grown tired of your neediness. Its sweet in the beginning, but that shit gets old VERY quick. The pouting, getting pampered and spoiled, calling him EVERY time you get lost and need directions......its in no way sustainable.

That being said, women who need to carter to their man to feel like a woman (IMO) are as unattractive as those that need a man to take care of them. Just be yourself and be able to sustain yourself, whether in a relationship or not (male or female). Gender roles are so played out its ridiculous.

My last ex, despite me explicitly stating I did not believe in gender role relationships insisted I take care of her on the father figure level (it was pretty apparent despite not being directly stated by her). Her relationship with her parents was not well, and while I understand this I am not one to sit around and wait for an adult (she was 5 years older than me) to get their shit together while playing victim.

 

Damn good post my friend. Post of the day in my opinion.

 

Thanks bro. I had to edit my post for a few typos.

 

People rarely look at it from both ways like that. It's usually a lot of finger pointing. My only critique though is that many men and women wouldn't want to be in a relationship unless they were being taken care of. For many it just feels like a friendship otherwise. The most messed up thing is many don't do it out of kindness but as means to emotionally blackmail them later.

 

I'll agree, but one has to question what "taken care of" constitutes. Emotionally, expressing love and affection for your partner. Doing for them when they are not legitimately able to. Not taking their love, affection, and good will for granted and making these things obligatory just because you (the male or female partner) are good company and can hold a good conversation. Caring for each other (IMO) also means respecting those boundaries of independence. For instance, I shop alot therefor I prefer to do my own laundry. Cooking is also something I prefer to do as I am a far better cook than any woman I have or will date (unless she is a chef). Perspective and expectations are what it all boils down to. I wouldn't want her to do any more for me than she doesn't for herself.

Love is a tricky emotion, it causes you to give more than what you tangibly can. All they while holding back how emotionally drained you've become (all in the name of "love"). This builds resentment and remorse for your spouse, them being blinded sided when that emotional volcano erupts.

So like I said initially, I agree 100% but I constantly ask myself "what constitutes being taken care of" relationship wise. Although I'm quite comfortable with my opinion of mutual care in a relationship, many women and men are not because of societies skewed, primitive view of the male-female gender role.

 

There seems to be a fine line between helpful and instrusive. I naturally like to give and will rarely ever need to be asked to do something. I like servicing my woman's car because I like to know she's in a safe car or paying her cell phone bill to make sure she has a phone in case of emergency but I don't these things without asking first and I don't like when they ask me for stuff unless its really important. I just like the idea of mutual consideration with expectation. That way everything feels like a gift not a chore.

 

This clears it up a bit more. My post, while detailed seemed caught in a vein of vagueness. Thanks once again.

Consideration (asking for permission when needed) makes all the difference. Its up to the spouse to voice their opinions of weather your tasks go beyond their comfort level.

Good post.

 

that, alone, is what it boils down to in any relationship. sadly, there's a lot of inconsideration these days.

 

I'm going to say that I believe culture is a component of it (if not a component of most of these discussions). If culture affects communication, how people physically interact, and what expectations people have for one another, I'm going to say that gender roles will be affected just as much.