When You're Attracted to a Woman Much Older Than Yourself

Quite a few things have happened since the last time I was on this forum...the most important being that I recently met a really attractive white woman at my gym. I just couldn't help it. She just seemed to be giving off an energy that really attracted me. Her personality was great, she had a great body, etc. So I took a chance one day at the gym and I walked up to her and approached her. We had a good conversation and she gave me her number. She and I had been talking on the phone for the past two weeks and the one thing I really appreciate about her is that she always returned my calls. If I called her and she didn't get back to me the same day, she would at least do so the following day. We didn't get to meet each other until as recently as this week and we had a date at night. We had a conversation over drinks, went for a walk and then watched a talent show together.

Folks, this is gonna be hard for me to explain...but there just seems to be an unbelievable feeling like some kind of fire burning in my heart that lights me up when I'm with this woman. I mean, she and I danced during our date several times and each time I held her tight, she held me tight as well. We spent so much time rubbing on each others' bodies and holding ourselves so tightly as if we'd already been dating for a while...then we held hands as we walked and at the end of the date, I walked her to her car, she dropped me off at a parking lot where my car was parked and we kissed each other on the cheek before we separated.

Now, here's where it gets complicated. I have never felt this way before with any woman in all my attempts at dating here in America. I just don't know what it is...but I like this woman so much. The thing is though, that she's 35 and I'm 28. The age gap between us is quite wide. I'm not trying to be stereotypical here or anything, but there is a general impression out there that white women generally get older than minority women. I talked to one of my best friends about how I feel regarding this woman and he said I should be careful because in his opinion, older women tend to get very jealous when they become involved with men much younger than themselves. He said that if I got in a serious relationship with this woman, I might feel a burning desire in my heart to get with a younger woman at some point when I realize how she's getting older and older and that she herself might feel threatened that I might get involved with or seek out a much younger woman.

Nonetheless, all I know is that I really like her and we seem to have a really strong connection with one another. Another thing I'm worried about and that I'll have to deal with is the possible influence of my family members. I'm the youngest of four siblings and in African culture, men aren't often encouraged to marry women older than themselves... (although it does happen) not to mention by the margin as wide as the age gap between this woman and me. Furthermore, older siblings seem to continually think that they have the right to "guide and advise" their youngest siblings in all aspects of their lives, even in dating and relationships. So regardless of how I may feel about this woman, it's not unlikely that my family might try to get me to put an end to the relationship not only due to her age but also because they may think I might be better off with a mate of the same race or at least the same culture.

Have any men on this board felt attracted to or even married women much older than themselves? I'd really appreciate your feedback. I'll appreciate feedback from both the black men and white women on here. Oh my goodness...it's been so long (9+ years) since I ever felt this way about any woman.

 

Shaft, I've dated men younger and men older. To be honest, I seem to have better results with the younger men. Many of them have been as much as ten yrs younger. Now I am quiet a bit older than you are, so that age gap lessons as you get older. My point though is that age has less to do with how compatible one is, than interests and especially (in my opinion) physical activity level.. sounds like you both have a similar physical activity interests with you both working out at the gym..

My mom has married two men younger than herself (the second was only 3 yrs older than I was). He died of cancer, but they had a very happy marriage/relationship. Her current husband is right between us, ten yrs younger than her, ten yrs older than me. But you wouldn't know they were a distance apart in age. Granted she is much older than you.. but my point is, age doesn't have to make a difference.

If you were 19 dating a 30 yr old I think the age gap would be more felt..

It probably also has a lot to do with your maturity..

 

ohh a whole 7 years :roll:

 

I can say I've been attracted to quite a few older women than myself, but it never went any further than friendly conversation. Thought they knew I was interested, the age difference was too far apart or they were already in a relationship/marriage.

I happen to find many older women very attractive. Only problem is, the age difference is usually too far apart no matter what kind of common interests there are.

 

Hi Shaft. Good to have you back.

If you feel so strongly about this woman, I think you know it in your heart what you have to do. Someone might be younger and you'll never feel that way around her, so why loose something truly special for an age gap and what your family or this friend or another friend would say? Afterall, they would probably comment anyway if it wasnt for the age gap, then for that she is white.There is this thing about friends well intentioned advices, that even if given with your best interest in mind, can discourage and ruin a lot of relationships. What I'm trying to say is, in plain English, friends can fuck up many relationships, so I would rather listen to myself and my own observations about the person I'm with, or even talk the issue with her (well, a him in my case). I don't have more insight on the topic as I've only once had a bf younger than me and he was 1 year younger, so not much experience in the area myself, but I say go for it. You wanna spend another 9 years till you'll find someone who makes you feel so good? Hey, if she makes you happy..........

 

I think Sassy hit it right.

There is a big difference between lets say a 15 yr old and a 22 yr old. But at some point those age gaps are not that significant. 28 and 35 hardly seems like a gap to me.

 

I have been attracted to & have dealt with older ladies both white and black and they were good experiences for the most part. Making it plain and simple for you if you are really feeling a connection then you two would be CRAZY not to see where it leads you :!: Do the damn thing...lol. :wink:

 

:arrow: PS>Be sure to keep us posted :wink:

 

Hey 7 years is not that big of a deal at all. I mean, I'm 24 and I was seeing a guy who is 41.
Anyway, what I'm sayin' is don't let the age difference get in the way of how you feel about each other. If you have a good thing going, don't let it get away.

 

I usually date men older than myself but I do realize that this is different for guys. I really don't think the age difference is that significant to make a big deal about it. If you like her go for it, if you find the age to be a problem allow me to assume that it is not the age after all but some other reason.

 

bump

 

bump

 

Well, mister Shaft, good to see you again...
My little advice...

It`s too soon...
You`re a lot into her, but it`s the beginning, you guys aren`t getting married next week...so go with the flow and see how important (or not) she really becomes for you...

Maybe you guys get serious and in 3 years when you want to have ur first kid...she`ll be like "man I`m 38 and I don`t know!!!"...hmmm...

Well, to all the positive things ppl said here, u needed the balance of the dark side :twisted:

Be wise...but don`t let fears guide you my man...just don`t put all ur eggs in one basket!!

 

Re: I'll Write More In a Little Bit

Folks, thanks so much for your respective opinions. I'm about to head to work right now and yesterday I was away from the computer for most of the day, so I quickly glanced through most of them. Once I get off work in the afternoon, I'll carefully read through each of your responses and write some more, ok? I'll be back soon.

 

You should probably just go for it, Shaft. You don't want to go through your life asking what could've been. Sorry for hijacking your thread here with my own stuff...I just wanted to provide some perspective to your situation (i.e. 7 year age gap as opposed to a 20 year age gap).

I hope all goes well with you and your lady (if that's how you think of her) and she can reciprocate your passion.

 

Shaft, 28 and 35 is not that much age difference and you being young you have a lot to learn about life which will happen when you get older.

With that said, if you feel right about this woman and she you, continue dating and see if you guys are right for each other.

 

Re: Possible Obstacles

Guys, thanks so much again. I guess it must really be true that people can't help who they fall in love with...at least if it gets to that point between this lady and me. I definitely want to follow my heart, which says that I should take a chance and continue with this woman and see where things may lead. One of the things that struck me the most on our first date was that any time I held her really tight while we danced, she would do the same as well. Some women won't let you hold their hand on the first date, but she let me do so. So far, she seems to be shaping up to be one of the most wonderful women I have met here in the U.S. and the one I have probably felt the most attracted to. I wanted to take this moment to discuss with you some of the most obvious obstacles I will face if I decided to go further with this woman, ranging in order from less to more difficult:

1.) My Parents: My parents are typical, conservative African parents. They were the generation of first African students who studied in the United States and Europe in the 60s-early 70s and then returned to their countries and got married to women in their home countries. Their preference in terms of their childrens' possible spouses runs thus:

a.) The ideal mate should be an African woman. She's the first preference or choice.

If for any reason, any of their children don't end up with an African spouse, a spouse from the Caribbean or an African-American spouse is more acceptable.

b.) More often than not, a white mate is considered to be the ultimate disgrace-a rejection of one's own identity and culture, especially for children who plan on returning to their home countries to live and work upon completing their studies in the U.S. and Europe. They don't want to deal with possible feelings of shame when family members and friends ask them how their children are carrying along with their white mates.

Things have changed however, as more and more Africans are being exposed to other cultures and are traveling to different countries for various reasons. The number of interracial marriages between Africans and white spouses continues to steadily increase. I personally believe that if I were to get married to a white woman, I would strongly prefer that she and I live either in the United States or Europe. It would make things a whole lot easier for both of us.

I personally remember my Mom telling me when I was a teenager, that when it comes to marriage, it's best to "marry as close to home as possible." They don't have anything against mates from other countries, but have always prefered that my siblings and I get married not only to Africans but also people from the same ethnic group. My parents were never too hot about it when my older brothers began dating American women. They never talked to my older siblings directly about it, but whenever family members got a chance back then to talk to them over the phone, they would often ask if my brothers were still dating their American girlfriends. The good thing about my parents is that they're an open-minded people and I'm confident that no matter how much they may disapprove of my choice, they will accept it out of love for me as their child. My mother will obviously be the hardest nut to crack, given the fact that in African culture, mothers tend to feel the closest bond toward their youngest child, often considered the baby of the family. If the youngest child is a male, as in my case, some mothers may take it personally when you pick a woman of another race, interpreting it as some kind of rejection.

2). My Older Sister: The first sibling and only female in our family, my older sister is very conservative. At 36, she's actually a year older than the current woman I'm thinking about dating. As it is in most families across the world, including I believe here in the United States in some respects, she continually sees me as her "baby brother." No matter how old I am, I'm never old enough. She believes that she needs to guide me so that I make the right decisions, even in my personal life. My sister never got to see me date anyone when I lived with her, primarily because I was very young at first and then later on, and even up until when she got married and moved in with her husband, I was still single. Hence, it will come as a shock to her to find out that I'm seeing a woman of a different race, a white woman, and she's the kind of person who won't hesitate to let me know that she doesn't approve of my choice and that I should drop her. She's the kind of person who would say things like: "Well, any woman who wants to hook up with my baby brother will have to go through me first," even if in her honest opinion, she might be saying so in good faith.

Eventually as well, I believe that she would give in to my choice, but it won't come easily at all. It would probably take a few arguments with her and much persistence on my part to make her back off. It's going to be extremely difficult.

**3.) My Sister-in-Law, My Aunt, and My Older Brothers: Out of this group of 7 people, my sister-in-law and my aunt constitute the most difficult ones to deal with. The two of them are extremely anti-IR and for the most part anti-white, and have over the years been able to spread their views in such a way that it's almost pretty much influenced a part of my family to be vehemently opposed to interracial relationships and to consider it a travesty. One of my older brothers did date a white American woman several years ago, but ever since he reunited with his ex-girlfriend and current wife, an African-American female in her early 30s whose father happens to be a Continental African, he's pretty much become anti-white and this comes out in their discussions. My sister-in-law's opinions of white people and interracial dating between black men and white women have pretty much been taken up by my two, older brothers.

Many times, I feel uncomfortable and like an outcast/outsider and odd man in when I continually hear my sister-in-law talking about her experiences with racism and the advantages of skin priviledge that white women have. While I don't deny that there is some truth to this in American society, I feel very uncomfortable when the three of them take turns repeatedly talking bad about white people in general and continually highlighting the evil that the white man has done at every turn. So for me who's the most likely out of us all to get into a longterm relationship with a white woman, such discussions make me uncomfortable and I know that in my sister-in-law and aunt's hearts, they certainly will view me as the "sell-out/traitor" in the family, even though I don't owe them anything.

Several years ago, when my brothers first came to the United States, my Aunt told them that she didn't care who their girlfriends were as long as they weren't white. Did this partly have an influence on my siblings' choices of women? I certainly think so. It was only two months ago that I explained to one of my older brothers that the experiences I had growing up in college would likely end up shaping my dating life. Whenever I tell him I've met a woman, he asks me if she's black or white because he's aware (they're both aware) of the experiences I've had with black American women. It was in response to his comment "You're gonna end up with a white wife, since that's all you seem to go for these days" that I elaborated more to him about why I pretty much have no motivation left to attempt going out with black American women.

To be honest, I wasn't particularly fond of my sister-in-law during the period when the relationship between her and my brother seemed to be getting really serious. In fact, we both didn't like each other very much, though we never openly manifested that to one another. Much of it had to do with the fact that she was aware of the experiences I had had with black American women and having been raised in the United States despite having a parent from Africa, she exhibited at the time, quite a few of those traits that turned me off in American black women. So I knew that she didn't have very good things to say about me behind my back, especially given the fact that she knew I was inching toward the interracial relationship domain. Her over-outspokenness also was a huge turnoff for me. But like every brother should, I decided to give her my support when she married my brother, and to support his choice as well. Since then, I help her out whenever I can, and help them both out whenever that is possible, especially now that theyrecently had a son.

I believe that in a sense, my brothers might actually be the most likely to support my choice of mate eventually. In as much as they may not be the biggest fans of BM/WF IRs, they've always said to me: "Hey, it's your life. Whatever makes you happy..." Even my sister-in-law had said to me a long time ago, when I explained to her in detail my experiences with American black women: "Go for it, man. "(Referring to interracial dating.)

So that's the complexity of my situation. Sorry for the long post, but it only gets juicier, so I saved this part for last: Do you guys rememeber me saying earlier that one of my older brothers dated a white woman for a while? Yep. Well, guess what. That white woman happens to be best friends with the current woman I'm thinking about dating. Yep. The one time we talked over the phone, she asked me my brother's name. What are the odds that you'd meet a complete stranger at a gym and then it turns out her best friend once dated your brother? It's a small world.

 

well.. IR dating comes with it some extra hurdles. Some of us have more hurdles to get through than others. You certainly are not the first to have family prefer you not date outside your race.

We've come a long ways from the time when dating IR was even against the law, but I am afraid we have generations to get through before it is done w/o a thought from SOMEONE.

However, we are all pioneers in a way. As we all continue to date outside our race, we pave the way as we get through our hurdles and prejudice so that others, our children or our children's children will have an easier way.



that and.. in my opinion it is worth it.. in the here and now

 

Re:

I guess my last response was just too long for most people on the board to read except QSassy. I can't help it...I love to write. Anyway, it's all good.

 

I already read through it before I logged in again for the day, and it seems as if you may have some controlling relatives that you are faced with from time to time, and that their views mainly come from the American perceptions of Interracial Dating and Relationships. That's my take on it, at least for now.