what is sexual harassment?

I am an African-American woman, 31, who dates interracially. I work in an office with about twenty people. There is a black man who works there. He is GORGEOUS with candy bar brown skin and muscles to spare. He works out at the gym a few times a week.

The guy truly looks like a fitness model from a magazine. He flirts with all the women. Well, I noticed something about his modus operandi. If a woman is white, he'll flirt with her, joke around with her, go to lunch with her. Her appearance is of no consequence to him.

He thinks white women are superior to black women.

Black girls catch his eye if they're light-skinned, well-put together, with long hair. I possess those characterisitcs, so I caught his eye. Because of his fantastic looks, I wanted to go on a date with him and screw him.

Why lie?

At one time, I wondered what he looked like naked and how he handled things in the bedroom.

But after a while, I noticed that he treated white women better than he treated black women. For example, he'll wash white women's cars for free. But he charges black chicks. He had a disagreement with a black female employee and a white female employee. The white employee was in the wrong, but he sided with the white employee. And he and the black girl did lunch together and joked around.

He'll lift heavy objects for white women, but he won't assist black women with such objects.

After observing this man, I decided that I no longer wanted to get up close and personal with him.

I have no problem with black men dating white women. But I have a SERIOUS issue with black men who think white women are superior to black women and demonstrate their position by giving white women preferential treatment. And I most certainly will not have sex with such a man.

So I knocked off the flirting. Stopped kidding around with him. I don't want anything to do with him.

He has gotten my message and now he stares me down, blatantly looking at my breasts. One day, by the timeclock, when no one was around, he whispered in my ear, "When am I gonna get my head between your legs."

I just walked off.

I ignore him and he does things to attract my attention. One day, he stared at me all day and when I looked at him, he broke into a smile.

I am getting tired of this guy's shit and I feel as if I'm being harassed.

Yes, in the beginning, I wanted to get to know him, but I've lost interest. I simply want to be left alone. I'm wondering if this is sexual harassment.

I don't know what to do.

 

chocolatecupcake,

In my honest opinion.

It seems that you did not know his position on BW vs. WW when you were interested until down the road when you noticed his actions. Thus, I presume you guys were flirting and kidding with each other before you came into this awareness. Now that you notice these things, you want to stop the flirtation and kidding. However, he hasn't stop.

It seems that the reason he has not stopped is b/c you did not directly confront the issue you had with him. You never told him how you felt. It could be a miscommunication problem. Remember, you were engaged in flirting and kidding with him as well. He may think you are just playing hard to get, you want to be chased, who knows b/c you did not talk to him about what you have observed with what you perceive as his bias treatment of WW and the unwanted flirting b/c of your witnessing of the bias treatment.

Instead of considering the possibility of sexual harrassment, which I do not think is what is going on. Take the time out to have a sit down with him and tell him how you feel (what you told us) when it comes to his preferential treatment towards WW and that you do not want to feel like second hand goods. Also, do not do it in an accusatory or judgmental way, and let him explain his side of the story--give him the benefit of the doubt. This means do not come out and say to him that he thinks WW are superior. Instead, just let him know the actions he has taken with WW vs. BW, and ask what is the reason for him doing these things? Then let him know you are asking because of your FEELING or PERCEIVING that he may not hold BW to the same standards as WW and it may effect how he treats you if you were ever to get involved. This is just an example. Don't attack him or accuse him. It would be terrible to turn this into something nasty, considering both of you are Black and probably you two may represent the very few Blacks who work in your office.

It sounds like you are experiencing a tad bit of jealousy, and from your description of the man--it sounds like you really want him. Also, it sounds like he is interested in you. Thus, be honest and open to him, respectfully.

Peace.

 

This reminds me of an old joke:
What's the difference between a slut and a bitch?
A slut will sleep with everyone and a bitch will sleep with everyone but you.

I think this thread is a joke but here goes anyway...

To answer your question, Mr Goodbar is in violation of every HR sexual harassment policy that I know of but the real question is - If he were riding your Hershey highway would you be going to HR?

This is why people need o think twice about who they play around with.
“It was okay until I didn't get my free car wash. So now I want his ass gone.”

Classic...

 

designer,

100% agreed.

I thought this thread wasn't quite right too.

Peace.

 

I mean think about it!!!

How much does a car wash cost anyway? A dollar? What? 50 cents?

I mean if the brother was out there using some high quality carnauba wax and buffing and stuff then yeah, go to HR. Cleaning the wheels....

But you just know he's out there hosing off the pollen, not even drying the car off. Didn't clean the inside. Probably taking the change out of the ash trash and you want to go running off to HR.

Shame.

I hope your damn car stays dirty for the rest of year!!!!!!

 

I don't get what you're saying about the car wash. I simply said that I noticed that he washed white women's car for free and he charged black women.

Another thing. I didn't complain to human resources about being sexually harassed. I wondered if what he was doing could be construed as harassment.

Hey, I am fair about things. In the beginning, I wanted his attention, but when I sensed that he thought white women were superior to black women, I left him alone. But he is the one who refuses to leave me alone.

I have no intention of filing a complaint for sexual harassment. But admittedly, I would like it if he vanished.

 

About the car wash. A few of my friends felt that I have overreacted to that. I don't think so.

Here's one for you. I'm a black woman, who dates interracially. Let's say that I cook for white guys. Did their laundry. Cleaned their homes. But if I did any of that for a black man, I charged him a fee.

Come on now. That would have made the average black man pause. He would have wondered, Why is she cooking and cleaning for a white man, but I have to pay her?

I'd wager that he would have told me, arrivederci. He certainly would if he possessed a trait called pride.

You know damn well that SOME black men feel that white women are superior to black women and he'll go that extra mile for her. And if that's what he feels, cool. But I'm not interested in dating him.

 

The car wash stuff was a joke....

Are you sure you're not still into this guy?
Anyway...
As far as the white woman vs. black woman thing, I think that may be more in your head than in his.


Here's the thing: If there was a woman that I said I was not interested in and she was "cleaning and cooking" for other men but she did not want to do it for me or she wanted to charge me for it, I'd just say "later" to her and keep going.

Would I become a member of an IR website to talk about a member of my "own" race?
No.

What's really on your mind?
I mean if you like the guy, go for it...

 

Designer may I ask you a question why are you coming off so harsh? You know that hershey highway means getting fucked in the ass regardless dude is sexually harrassing her so fuck all that do you still like him. Man I tell you if that happened at my firm he would be screwed and maybe just maybe he do treat the sisters different is that so hard to believe,folks on this board(some not all) treat the sisters as if they are the enemy.

 

INJERA70,

I understand where you are coming from. And I do agree about 90% of what you said. However, I do not think designer is being harsh. He was joking. Furthermore, I do not really consider this man sexually harrassing her considering the fact that she was flirting and joking with him--she opened the door. Also, she never told him how she felt leaving him hanging--so he may not know if she is still interested and playing hard to get, or she wants to be chased, or what. As I said she needs to have a pow-wow with the brother. Also, I think she still digs him and just a little jealous.

Peace.

 

Doesn't matter. You're a BW. Saying he sexually harrasing you will only get you fired. Unless you have physical proof, you're risking your career coming foward.

You played with fire and got burned. Instead of knowing a person before trying to get in his pants, you did the opposite. Why can't he simply say your flirting was sexual harrasment?

 

Jeverage and Designer made very good points...

Chocolate you flirt with someone, give him all the wrong signals and you expect him to just stop whenever you feel like it after you lead him on and on...hmmm...something isn't right with that!

Also, as Designer alluded to, it sure as hell sounds like you're still into the guy...

As Jeverage advised, If you are for real about clearing up the whole thing, just go talk to him over lunch or something...stop judging him from afar...who knows you might discover a side of him-the real one- you might really like (apart from the muscles and stuff)!!

 

Injera,
I didn't think I was being hard or I should say I'm not trying to be hard but think about it:
She was okay with all of his actions until she saw him being "nicer" to other women and now she want to know if it's harassment.

Does that not raise a red flag?
I think it's shady as hell.

I'm almost sure if he was "nicer" to her or let's put it out there - If he was nicer to black women - I'll bet you she'd be okay with it.

You know that's wrong...

I'm sorry if I hurt anyone's feelings but I stand by what I said.

This is not right by a long shot.

 

You know I feel what you guys are saying but it does not matter,take this for instance I work at this law firm and there a lady who worked here who always flirted with dudes and then when dude flirted back he got fired. So it is a fine line to walk.

 

I completely agree with you, designer.

And i know that this IS harsh, but chocolatecupcake, you're on the wrong site. You obviously want to bitch about how a hot BM who is attracted to WW done you wrong by flirting MORE with WW than with you. This it not the place for that.

Don't BW have their own site where they can discuss how WW are stealing all their good men? If not, you might want to start one.

If you want to talk about the bliss/joys/harships/challenges/realities/ of interracial dating, then you are welcome. If not, then I just smell a troll.

 

Employment policies on sexual harassment have been established by court rulings. It doesnt matter if she originally wanted his attention. She wants it stopped now.

You are responsible for telling him to stop. Once you tell him to stop and he doesnt, he is sexual harassing you. He has to know it is making your uncomfortable. There have actually been cases where two people were involved in a sexual relationship (not just flirting) and one decided to quit, was sexually harassed afterwards and won a law suit over it.

No matter whether anyone thinks this is a "bait thread" or whether she is on the "wrong board", this is a GOOD TOPIC and may benefit someone else who is having difficulties at work at another time.

PS in the scenerio you posted, him doing these things to you after you lost interest is not about sex, it is about control. If possible, the best solution is to not get into a power struggle with him. Maintain control of your own emotions and do not allow him in your head. I have been there, I know it is hard, but you do have a choice in how you "re"act to his harassment.

 

fly girl,

I agree 100% that sexual harassment is an important topic and discussing it is indeed useful and can help both men and women dealing with the issue. However, I do not think that the OP's intention was to bring light to the issue or to ask our opinion about harassment. It seems obvious to me that she only wanted to bash a BM that she perceives as having dissed her in preference of WW.

Perhaps we should start a new topic to discuss harassment.

 

PearlGirl,

100% agreed.

Peace.

 

Pearlgirl, I suspect the same. It is probably a bait thread meant for us to bite on. But how we react to it is on us, not her. Right?