Tiger Woods New $40-Million Pad in Florida

I'm sorry you got screwed on the deal Toughsnail. In general though I think the one with the most, or who is in the best financial position, has the most to lose. So there are women who have just as negative an experience as men. I'm sure men outnumber women in that respect, but the women are out there. I will never understand people who feel entitled to something they didn't earn on their own, but there sure seem to be a lot of those people around.

I also don't think every man out there is a worthless father, and I know a few mother's who leave a lot to be desired. IMO no one should automatically be awarded custody or spousal support. Child support is a given if there are kids, but I don't think it should be awarded in an amount that leaves the paying parent destitute.

I will say this, I think one of the reasons women tend to come out ahead is because they can be more tenacious than men. As you pointed out, you didn't want to fight so you gave in. Most of the women I know don't give in, they fight for what they want and they aren't easily dissuaded. I think sometimes the men don't fight because they don't want to drag their kids through that, or because they're busy with work, or because they just get worn down by the constant drama. The women know this, they capitalize on this, and they get what they want as a result. Now I'm not saying that's all women, because there are quite a few of us on here who didn't take our Exes for everything they were worth, I'm talking about the women you know who did. If they fight and you don't, they'll win, simple as that.

 

Very insightful as usual.

 

That absolutely sucks and is extremely unfair > I am not a subscriber of that in a divorce. Im so sorry that happend to you. Did you marry and divorce in Capetown?

I have a friend whos wife left him 2 years ago.. He still had to pay alimony and had to gauge his retirement to pay a lsubstantial loan back to her dad that they BOTH loaned from him when they BOTH moved to Ca from Philly. She left and moved back and now, HE has to pay all of that back on his own. He also lost his house in Philly to her and she wants half of the condo in Santa Monica. WTF??!!
I cant stand this crap. It its down right criminal.

I do belive there should be some fairness and women that has stayed at home or had a menial job on purpose just so she could be home most of the time to raise them should have some fair sum of money for lost income and retirement - say she is in her 50s when the man leaves. That Im ok with - or she will have to live under a bridge.

Jesse clerarly will not go aftre Sandras money - he was the one that cheated - had it been her that cheated, Im not so sure I put it benetah him to try to get 50% of the money she earned while they were together.

Take Jessica Simpsons divorce - they did not have a prenup and she ended up having to give quite a lot of money to her hubby - whats-his-face... of course its not Tiger type money.

 

Thanks Loki!

 

Aww check you out spreading the true love around....you are FAR too kind. Like seriously....

 

i'm so sorry you went through and are going through all that toughsnail, it sounds completely unfair. for some people the lure of money is all they think about, which is unfortunate for all parties. it sounds like your case is quite extreme. my ex certainly doesn't pay a single bill for me. it is me who keeps a roof over our head, all utilities on, kids clothed and teeth checked...the money i receive from him every fortnight just barely covers the cost of groceries. i must say as well that i wouldn't want it any other way.

we never got the lawyers involved and chose to go through a family mediator to iron out a parenting plan in relation to the children. it was decided that i would remain the main parent because it was best for the children and he didn't want to leave his job to get another one that was more child and family friendly (he traveled a lot & worked odd hours). to be honest though, i wouldn't of given up the primary carer role for our children, so if he had decided to fight me on it, he would have had a huge fight on his hands.

I also agree with espy. i do not think that every man out there is a worthless father...and i think my ex-husband is a wonderful father to our children. I also know a couple of mothers who leave a lot to be desired as well. One especially who shouldn't have custody of her children because she's too selfish & too lazy to do what is right by them, and i'm sure she keeps them because of the alimony she receives from her ex. Unfortunately, her ex-husband is aware of this but for some reason will not file for custody.

oh and in relation to the travel comment, i was addressing andrae's belief that men get overlooked when they have families & said that they should be compensated for that.

i do hope that things continue to improve for you & wish you only the best.

 

@Espy – thanks very much. You are also spot on with the lack of desire by men to fight on. I was also concerned of being labeled the “typical African male”. She knew all these weaknesses and she played them to her advantage. I doubt today if I would have done anything differently.

@Flyingeek – we met in London and got married in Cape Town. I hear you about Jesse but its not unusual for women to cheat on men and still go after 50% of the assets. According to the lawyers, in most part of the world the “cause” is not related to the distribution of assets. Cheers.

@Tarshibear – to clarify, in the divorce she want 50:50 distribution of the existing assets, 25% of my gross income and custody of the children. The 25% was about her leaving Europe to come and live in Africa, giving up her career “in support of mine”, retaining a similar lifestyle to Cape Town, etc etc. I didn’t contest all of these 3. The house in Sweden (and international school) was my choice. I wanted my kids to be raised in a multicultural environment and to continue speaking English (they are 4 and 6 now). She argued that she couldn’t afford it and also her family didn’t live in Stockholm and so she would have no support. This is how this became part of the settlement agreement.

Thanks for clarifying everything else on your side. As I said earlier, I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy. Am certain I am moving on at my own pace.

 

That's pretty much the cornerstone of any good battle strategy. Personally I don't believe in exploiting other people's weaknesses, just because you can clearly see what those are does not make it okay to use that against them. I'm also a fan of being the bigger person, however my divorce taught me that sometimes you have to toss all that out the window and defend yourself by whatever means necessary. If you are a good-natured person, people will often take advantage of that and push because they count on you to do the nice thing. Generally I'm fine with that and I think it's on them for being assholes and taking advantage of what they perceive to be your weakness. However when there are children involved, you have an obligation to them as their parent to ensure they are taken care of. Now I'm completely able to care for my kids on my own, so it wasn't an issue of trying to take anything from him, in my case it's an issue of hanging on to what I have while he tries to take it. I was raised to believe that arguing over money and things is vulgar and to be avoided, it just makes you look small. However, I have zero doubt in my mind that my grandparent's would have wholeheartedly supported me in this case.

It took me months to come around and accept that I was going to have to fight him on this or he was going to walk all over me. At the point I also realized that it would have to be an all or nothing battle. I tried nice, that didn't work. Some people are only motivated by money, and for those people you have two options: 1. Throw money at them until they go away, aka give them what they want, or 2. Refuse to give them anything, then selectively tighten the screws until you have them where you want, then dangle something small in front of their face and hope they jump at it. Sounds like you went with Option 1, and I'm going with Option 2. I think as long as your conscious is clear, it doesn't matter which you do. Personally at the point my kids became a factor the decision was made. You don't ever want to bring my kids into anything, or try to back me into a corner, I will fight you, and I won't give up ever, and I really don't care what anyone else thinks of my choices or actions. Perhaps that's another area where men and women differ. You mentioned that you were concerned with people's perceptions of you, your Ex clearly wasn't. Maybe men are more image conscious?

 

You're joking right? lol

 

Toughsnail: Most men want to go back to a loving home, yes, but they are so difficult to please that I have personally never met a man who will declare himself "happily married"... We cook, we raise your children while you are working hard (and so are we!), we ook after ourselves, we clean the house, we ask you how your day was and we try to take care of you in the bedroom but still, you are not satisfied and find the P.A or secretary much more appealing than the boring wife at home...
Espy: I also try to be the better person and I think retaining your integrity is very important. Saying that, a divorce is definitely a test and sometimes you have to do what you have to ("any means necessary", isn't it?). I hope the ordeal hasn't changed you as a person...

 

That's a little unfair because just as many women end up messing around with a pool boy or a mailman for the same reason. While your man can be at a job he doesn't love but is happy to do it as long as his family is ok, a woman can be bored or feel lonely and cheat too. Both sides are capable.

 

Divorce is typically not easy, I think you just have to make a decision at the start as to how far you're willing to go, and how much you're prepared to put up with. It doesn't have to change you as a person, just like everything else in life, no reason to allow anything to change you for the worse. You shouldn't give anyone that much power over you.

But as to your comment about men never being satisfied, I disagree with that. All men aren't like that, and just as many men run across women who leave a lot to be desired as the other way around. Not all men are cheaters, in fact it's pretty evenly split between men and women. I think at the point you start thinking all men aren't worth your time, you've let the ordeal change you as a person. There are good and bad people in the world, in my experience if you keep an open mind it makes it easier to spot both types.

Absolutely true.

 

She would drive me insane when she said “come on, you are so weak – be a real man”.

I do not understand Women who go there. There are certain things that should just forever be "untouchable" inside a relationship. That's one of them. No one -- be they Woman or hell even gay Man -- should ever tell a Man they are in a relationship with that they are not a Man, or to be a Man, or any other spin on the concept. It's just wrong. If you never want to see him again, fine. But if you are ever planning on waking up next to him again, keep it out of your mouth. It's a betrayal and a cruelty, and totally uncalled for by anything forgivable.

 

True, according to statistics women in the Western world cheat as much as the men now. It's just that I have tried to be a good wife and do the right thing and I have just found out that my lovely husband (well, I thought he was lovely) has been leading a triple life and cheating on me for many years so please excuse me for not being very objective!

 

I'm sorry that happened to you, but you need to focus your anger on your husband, as he's the only one who deserves your ire. People should absolutely be held accountable for their own mistakes, but no one should have to pay for anyone elses. My Ex leaves a lot to be desired, however I in no way think he is the standard by which all men should be measured.

 

You just ruined it!

To paraphrase the Soup Nazi, "NO REP FOR YOU. Come back one year"!

 

But like, you offered it and like, you can't just go ahead and like take it away like that. It's just like, not right!

 

:smt038

 

Wow, it all sounds very painful and complicated. If you were so unhappy, why didn't you leave the marriage instead of having an affair? Was the affair a way of pushing her to the edge so SHE would make the decision instead of you? Or was the affair serious and you started a new life with the other woman? Either way, I hope that you have no regrets and that you have found happiness now...