Thoughts on marriage (ladies please respond)

http://www.cnn.com/2008/LIVING/personal/08/26/o.divorce.dreams/index.html

I think this woman is insane and I feel soooo sorry for her husband.

 

That is so sad. I'm sure her husband has very similar thoughts about her, after 16 years, but she wouldn't like to hear them.

Loki, I don't think she's insane. Many women have midlife crises too. It's just another (realistic) account of the routine most marriages get into, when they start being pissed about a million little things that didn't bother them before. Again, I'm sure her husband has his set of complaints, probably in the area of nagging, cellulite, unshaved legs etc.

She probably won't get a divorce, most likely just have an affair with a co-worker or guy at the gym, but then she'll realize the armpit-finger-smelling husband is less exhausting. Let's face it, if you stuck by Everyman for 16 years, that makes you Everywoman.

 

Sounds about right when people get married young and don't know themselves.

 

I suppose you may be right here, if you settle for the marginal in the important aspects of life you will most likely be marginal yourself. I just found the authors attitude, very sad in regards to marriage itself and very hostile to men in general.

 

I know, and I bet her husband wasn't indifferent to the fact that she exposed their private life, unless she's writing under a pen name.
I am glad to hear you have such a happy marriage, but I'm sure you are aware that the majority of people don't. Most of them are bored or unhappy. I have never met one happy married couple, ever. It's good to know they are out there though.

Probably she got married for the wrong reasons (like stability and financial security) and now she's sorry she missed out on love and thinks she deserves a more special man. I bet she doesn't, but whatever. I bet their sex life is almost dead too.

I totally agree that marriage is a daily commitment, but most people think the exact opposite, that after you get married you're in the safe area and you don't have to work for your spouse's affection anymore. I've seen a few cases where one of the spouses was trying, but the other was not responding, so it was all in vain.

I sure hope it will be different when I get married, but I guess every person likes to think that.

 

From what I have read of your posts, you seem to be a determined and intelligent individual, I am sure if you make your marriage a priority and employ that intelligence in picking your mate you will have a great marriage as well. Don't hope, make it happen, be bold and fearless in this life, I for one believe in you and your future marriage, even though I don't even know you.

One last thing, I do hope that you make the decision in your life to stop smoking, I am sure you know all of the health reasons so I won't bore you with that, what I will say is that I have never met anyone who I would describe as a "quality" guy who is looking for or would be indifferent to a woman who smokes. This is just my experience however, I certainly have not met every guy in the world.

 

I found the author's attitude rather sad but also rather honest. Unfortunately there are many out there who feel the same as she does.

I'm one who was married most of my life and then divorced and I have quite a few gf's who were married longer than I and have since divorced (they are in the 25+ married years range...I was married 17 years) BTW...amazingly enough most of us have lots of friends with "happy" "successful" marriages that are still married...although some are not so comfortable being around divorced people.

Let me tell you....I agree with much of what Loki has said. But I will also tell you that many of the folks who have since divorced were those saying how great their marriage was very shortly before they split. Many of them (myself included) had marriages that most envied and could only hope for. However, it takes more than one person to make things work. And often times what happens is that one is doing everything in their power and the other is not. I'm not talking about a short time when one or the other is carrying it all...I'm talking about where some become complacent and sortof just check out in life.

And for those on the outside looking in....looks can be very deceiving. I know spouses who have divorced and still aren't sure what happened because they thought everything was great and they were happy (often times this is the man ....but sometimes the woman) So to outsiders, even very close friends and family members....they would have thought things were great. You just can't know.

Loki - I'm 43 and I can tell you that you are coming up on a time (age/stage) in life that can be rather trying for many/most. The early 40's to mid 50's seems to be a tough time for folks these days and often all sorts of things come to surface.

This article...well I found most of her comments to be completely ridiculous. It makes me think of a bored housewife looking for things to make into drama. Come on she knew the guy was how he was when she married him. However...I think it can be a tough thing to get married in our 20s and make it through everything that happens in life and continue to grow together and truly love each other later in life. She very well may have thought that those same things that irritate the crap out of her now were very cute in the beginning.

Certainly no one goes into marriage thinking they will end in divorce. And most that I know...did everything possible to make sure that they didn't divorce. Many have gone through staying for the kids sake and all sorts of other reasons.

Of course there are those who are still married but basically the walking dead. It's amazing how many of those are around. You might be surprised how many of these "happily" married couples aren't having sex or haven't slept in the same room for years.

 

Ok I'm definitely an anti smoker.....but please. I think we have to remember that different parts of the world see things very differently, as well as different age groups. I realize that in some areas many folks will look down on smokers and may feel that they are some how less than those who do not smoke.

I don't think anyone should be changing to try to get a "guy".

Part of being with someone is accepting them as they are.

If she chooses to quit smoking that needs to be for herself.

Geeze that's like if you were to be on here telling women they needed to lose weight and be a certain size to get a "guy".

There is someone out there for everyone....just the way they are.

People have their preferences and that's ok. She may choose to smoke and someone may choose to not involve themselves with her because she does. Maybe someone else doesn't want to be with someone who does not smoke. Some prefer to be with black men, other do not. This man prefers heavy women, this one prefers thin women. This woman likes tall men, this one does not. People have their own set of standards for themselves and others. And definitely each person has their own limits and make it or break its.

 

LOL, Loki, it seems our definitions of "quality" differ greatly. I would not change for a man, anyway, nor would I ask him to change for me. There will always be cute, smart smokers for me to date, although I attract plenty of non smokers as well.
I don't think quitting for someone else works, anyway, it just makes you start hiding it and enjoying it even more, then you become resentful and start doing it upfront more and more, until you just don't care anymore how the other feels and nobody's happy.

As for marriage, I am definitely glad to hear there is still hope. I don't think it matters that much whom you surround yourself with, unless you are easily influenced. From all my close friends, only one is in a good relationship, but I love them all and they have always been there for me. Since I come from a broken home, I have always wondered if a man coming from a happy one would understand me, and if I would understand him.
It's nice that you and your wife have similar emotional backgrounds, I'm sure that has spared you a lot of problems and it's great to be able to give your children (if you have any) two functional couples of grandparents. I won't be able to give my children that, not from my side of the family anyway, but, since I like to tell stories and bake cookies, I figured I could fill in the grandmother role as well .

To go back to the article, I agree with KnCa, that lady seems like a bored housewife who needs some drama. I noticed in the article that she was wondering "what am I doing here?" since she was at the altar! I think that says everything, she didn't marry the guy for love, and now she's the one resenting him for that.

 

Funny, I wouldn't marry a woman unless I felt compelled to change for her.

 

I'm sure many wonderful women have wanted and will want to change you as much as possible.

 

I knew you were a sweetheart.

 

lets clear up something before the thread continues, I have read from a few people that the woman who wrote the article didn't marry for love. Marrying for love is a very new idea. In older times marriage had a different function, it was used to strengthen family power. It was also a survival tactic by way of pooling resources.

read about it here:

http://marriage.about.com/cs/generalhistory/a/marriagehistory.htm

 

I think this is key. And if you ask many they will relay the same thing. Something was off when they walked down the aisle or even very shortly after. Some even spoke up but were told ...oh it's just cold feet, everyone goes through that. So many get so caught up in the wedding and everyone else's wants that they lose track of what's really going on.

 

Would that also be feeling compelled to change her?

 

Agreed, perhaps I had such a strong reaction to the article because one of my lifelong golfing buddies is going through a nasty divorce right now and I am seeing first hand how awful that whole process can be. Anyway, it is my hope and prayer for you that you will find happiness and will do what it takes on a daily basis to build, preserve, and cherish your marriage and husband when the time is right.

 

Hi Knca, this is not quite what I meant, what I was trying to convey is that I hope "she" decides to quit first and foremost for her own health, and that a potential nice "side benefit" would be that she would increase the number of potential mates, as I gather she is single and would like to be married one day. I certainly would agree that one should not "change" for others, but there are very good reasons to look at our behaviours and see if they are what is best for us.

 

I think you have to be careful in making the assumption that because someone's parents were not divorced means that they grew up with a happy childhood and/or stable background. There are those who did and many who did not. Just as there are those who grew up with divorced parents who felt that they had a happy stable life and others who do not.

With the divorce rate being what it is...very few out there will grow up without either experiencing it first hand in their family or through very close friends. The idea that it's a big challenge or hurdle is a bit overboard I think.

The other side of the coin here. I was married to a man who grew up in family where there was no divorce. My parents had been divorced then my mom married a man early on in my life they are still together - however it's a very bad situation (although those looking in would think it's a GREAT situation and that they have a very happy healthy relationship!) My ex husband had the mindset that you get married and then everything is just fine. No need to really put in any effort into a relationship - you are married....you'll stay married...that's just the way it is. And you know as well as I do, that many are this way. I was much more realistic about things and wanted to make sure we went into things with our eyes open. And we did. But that doesn't mean that you have a crystal ball and know how things will be almost 20 years down the road. People often fall back into their default mechanisms and want to stay there.

Actually, I've seen that many who came from divorced families are much more about working together and doing what it takes than those who did not. Obviously you are the exception to that and that's great.

To me this conversation is the same as parenting. So many just feel that they become parents and will know what to do. But we aren't given a manual for parenting and we are not given a manual for marriage. And I think the worst thing we can do is just sortof stumble through it. We all know - love isn't enough. However, I also think that often times the love part is very much downplayed.

 

My marriage was much different than this lady's, for more reasons than just the amount of time invested (relationships -7 years, marriage - 4 years), but I can sympathize with feeling something "off" at the altar. If I would've went with my gut feeling that day I never would've went through with it, but of course that's not the case.

My ex husband was of the mindset that "Love is all you need", and while it's a lovely thought, it's far from the truth. He didn't understand all the work that needed to go into a marriage, let alone did he understand that financially it's a partnership as well. He seemed to believe that as long as we both loved each other (which, I can't speak for him, but I did indeed love him even all the way up to the divorce hearing. I don't exactly have the fondest feelings for him now, but that came about after all of that mess) we could survive anything, including his own failings as a human being. Seeing as how I'm divorced now obviously his theory was wrong, and most people who have happy, healthy marriages would likely agree on that, I figure.

I think there's quite a difference between knowing how to have a happy marriage and actually executing it. Just because you know how something is supposed to work doesn't mean it's going to turn out that way. Since a happy, productive partnership requires two separate parties, if one person involved doesn't "give it their all", in my opinion, the relationship is doomed from the start.

I don't know if I'll ever get married again. I sort of want to, but it's a whole 'nother can of worms for me if I choose to do so while my mother is still living, and chances are the rest of my extended family would be even more annoyed about me getting remarried than they are that I'm dating a black man.

I do think that one's family status (relationship wise) can have a large impact on relationship success rates, but it ultimately just comes down to the individuals involved and how willing they are to work hard to stay together. My family is no where perfect, though my parents are still married. In my case I think my family would've faired better if my parents would've gotten a divorce a long time ago, but it's a different situation than a lot of people deal with. My ex husband's parents were divorced (for very good reasons) when he was a baby, but that seemed to affect him more of making him want to keep his marriage together at all costs. It just worked out in the end that the "costs" he was willing to pay were far more than he should've gone for.