The Attraction

[stiletoes]

Hi, I am new to this board and pretty new to an interracial relationship. I am a WW who is involved in a passionate affair with a BM. He is in the process of getting a divorce, but I am not. I have been married for 20 years and our relationship is too new to know if I want to leave my husband.

Over the years, I have had several opportunities to have affairs, (with both WM and BM)but did not until I met him I never thought about it. With my guy something just clicked for both of us and we were together almost instantaneously. As our relationship has become more than physical, we have discovered that intellectually we have a ton of stuff in common.

This leaves me wondering about this whole issue of attraction between white women and black men. Is it real, or is it just a reaction that goes beyond the superficial?

 

[Lexington]

Hi, I am new to this board and pretty new to an interracial relationship. I am a WW who is involved in a passionate affair with a BM. He is in the process of getting a divorce, but I am not. I have been married for 20 years and our relationship is too new to know if I want to leave my husband.

Over the years, I have had several opportunities to have affairs, (with both WM and BM)but did not until I met him I never thought about it. With my guy something just clicked for both of us and we were together almost instantaneously. As our relationship has become more than physical, we have discovered that intellectually we have a ton of stuff in common.

This leaves me wondering about this whole issue of attraction between white women and black men. Is it real, or is it just a reaction that goes beyond the superficial?

There was a similar story in the news here where a bm left his family even though the ww did not nor did she encourage him to do so. Since your lover is taking a leap of faith and placing everything on the line he might be disappointed if you don't do the same. I'll hazard a guess that he has a lot riding on his relationship with you.

 

[fly girl]

Is it real, or is it just a reaction that goes beyond the superficial?

There is no one answer. It is as real or as superficial as the two people involved want it to be.

Even though I still date and am attracted to all men, I do have a different spiritual connection with black men.

 

[stiletoes]

There was a similar story in the news here where a bm left his family even though the ww did not nor did she encourage him to do so. Since your lover is taking a leap of faith and placing everything on the line he might be disappointed if you don't do the same. I'll hazard a guess that he has a lot riding on his relationship with you.

just curious where do you live that that would have the news? I live in a pretty liberal area and it would definitely not be on the news. Just to clarify, I am NOT the reason for his divorce. They split up before we met. I do care about him INTENSELY. However, I need to decide if I want to leave my marriage or not(I am leaning towards leaving it). But I don't want to leave it because of him. Obviously, my husband and I have hidden issues if I cheated on him after 20 years of fidelity. I feel that I owe it to my husband to at least figure out what the problems are. If I do leave my marriage, I want a NORMAL dating relationship with my guy BEFORE we commit to ANYTHING. Believe me having an affair is so different from real world dating. We need to see if we can make it in the real world, especially as an interracial couple. Whatever the outcome is I don't want to hurt my guy, so I have been upfront with him about everything. I guess what is meant to be is meant to be.

Anyhow, back to my original point. I don't think I fell for him because he is black, or he for me because I am white, I think is it what it is attraction. I think people may have a "Tendency" towards a particular type, but that is all it is.

 

[Crystal]

Maybe it is easier for ya to keep two guys hanging while you decide at your leisure what kind of ice cream you like, but it's not any definition of fair.




The right thing to do is to leave with the guy what brung ya, then decide if that relationship is on or off.

If you decide it's off, then leave a free woman and pursue what ever flavour takes your fancy.

Having issues in your marriage is not an excuse for looking outside the marriage for solace, it IS a good reason for working with your husband to see whether you can save it, and that cannot happen honestly if you have one foot in someone else's bed.

Your attraction to your black lover may be for a bunch of reasons starting with being lonely in your marriage, feeling betrayed by your husband, seeking someone the physical opposite of him in every way, getting personal revenge, doing something that you know would piss off your current husband if he were to know.

I've seen so many of these 2 for one things in my life it's very predictable.

Sorry, and good luck.

 

[stiletoes]

Maybe it is easier for ya to keep two guys hanging while you decide at your leisure what kind of ice cream you like, but it's not any definition of fair..

My thoughts exactly

The right thing to do is to leave with the guy what brung ya, then decide if that relationship is on or off.

I know. My hubby and I are starting counseling next month after our oldest graduates. I don't want my problems to take away from my kid's special time. I will confess to the affair there. Only the what not the who, my guy works with my Husband.

If you decide it's off, then leave a free woman and pursue what ever flavour takes your fancy..

Like I said in my OP I truly believe it is the GUY himself, not the flavour.

Having issues in your marriage is not an excuse for looking outside the marriage for solace, it IS a good reason for working with your husband to see whether you can save it, and that cannot happen honestly if you have one foot in someone else's bed...

I agree. I did not think my marriage had issues until I met my guy, as I stated earlier obviously it DOES have issues since I am having an affair. I will not be seeing my guy for 2 weeks as he is out of the country on business. I plan on using this think for some deep reflecting and thinking so hopefully I will have some idea when hubby and I go to counseling. I Also am going to try to reconnect with my husband. It is going to be hard cause my guy is ALWAYS on my mind.

Your attraction to your black lover may be for a bunch of reasons starting with being lonely in your marriage, feeling betrayed by your husband, seeking someone the physical opposite of him in every way, getting personal revenge, doing something that you know would piss off your current husband if he were to know..

loneliness- Hubby and I spend a ton of time together, but not enough alone time away form the kids, but that is part of parenting. I have noticed over the years that sex has become very routine. Is that part of a 20 year marriage?

betrayal and revenge- At least on a conscious level I don't have those feeling, but who knows? Maybe you are right and I do. Hopefully this will come out in counseling.

Pissing my husband off- My husband and my guy are not actually physical opposites. My hubby is a medium skinned Latino, while my guy is a lighted-skinned African-American. I am a flaming Irish redhead, without the stereotypical temper.

Anyhow thanks for all of your points, they were excellent and have giving me some food for thought.

I've seen so many of these 2 for one things in my life it's very predictable.

Sorry, and good luck.[/quote]

 

[Lexington]

just curious where do you live that that would have the news? I live in a pretty liberal area and it would definitely not be on the news. Just to clarify, I am NOT the reason for his divorce. They split up before we met. I do care about him INTENSELY. However, I need to decide if I want to leave my marriage or not(I am leaning towards leaving it). But I don't want to leave it because of him. Obviously, my husband and I have hidden issues if I cheated on him after 20 years of fidelity. I feel that I owe it to my husband to at least figure out what the problems are. If I do leave my marriage, I want a NORMAL dating relationship with my guy BEFORE we commit to ANYTHING. Believe me having an affair is so different from real world dating. We need to see if we can make it in the real world, especially as an interracial couple. Whatever the outcome is I don't want to hurt my guy, so I have been upfront with him about everything. I guess what is meant to be is meant to be.

Anyhow, back to my original point. I don't think I fell for him because he is black, or he for me because I am white, I think is it what it is attraction. I think people may have a "Tendency" towards a particular type, but that is all it is.

It ended tragically that's why it made the news.

 

[stiletoes]

It ended tragically that's why it made the news.

That is AWFUL

 

[SardonicGenie]

Hi, I am new to this board and pretty new to an interracial relationship. I am a WW who is involved in a passionate affair with a BM. He is in the process of getting a divorce, but I am not. I have been married for 20 years and our relationship is too new to know if I want to leave my husband.

Over the years, I have had several opportunities to have affairs, (with both WM and BM)but did not until I met him I never thought about it. With my guy something just clicked for both of us and we were together almost instantaneously. As our relationship has become more than physical, we have discovered that intellectually we have a ton of stuff in common.

This leaves me wondering about this whole issue of attraction between white women and black men. Is it real, or is it just a reaction that goes beyond the superficial?

In case you haven't noticed it yet, it all depends on YOU. You need to ask YOURSELF that question.

 

[stiletoes]

[quote="SardonicGenie]

In case you haven't noticed it yet, it all depends on YOU. You need to ask YOURSELF that question.[/quote]

My answer is that I think that the attraction goes beyond superficial. I am attracted to him because of him, not his skin color.