Sticking With Your Choice of Mate Despite Family Influence

Upon reading quite a few posts on here, it may seem as if for foreign black men or African men in general, getting married interracially is relatively easy and most families are accepting of that. But that isn't always the case. I for one know that if by God's grace I do meet the woman who would be my future wife, and if I end up getting married interracially, I'm going to possibly have a very strong and unique bond with that woman because I'm going to have to stand up to my family in the process of following my heart. This is a difficult topic, but I'm sure a lot of you could relate to it because it has to with the topic of family members learning to respect when they can't influence or interfere with our decisions.


I'm sure many of you can relate to your parents or older siblings trying to pressure you to choose different career paths and to specialize in certain courses while you were growing up, even at the detriment of your own individual talents, as long as in the end, they have their way. I am the youngest of four siblings, and through much of my life, I have had to stand up to and fight for myself when it comes to my parents and older siblings. And I'm sure any African males on here can relate to this. In most African families, if you're the youngest sibling, your parents and older siblings continue to think it is in your best interest for them to guide you and steer you toward making the right decisions in your life no matter how old you are. Regardless of your age, you're always perceived as the "baby brother." African mothers are especially known to have tremendous influence over their youngest male children.


Now, my family is an open-minded family in general. My parents studied overseas and are well-educated and progressive, and they are well-traveled and my father is a retired diplomat with very many white friends who he stays in touch with and visits when he travels on a consistent basis- but of course, the one area where they still cling to the old school of thought is when it comes to who their children decide to marry. I know for sure that I'm going to have to fight a very fierce battle with most of my family members if I should end up choosing to get married interracially.


My parents are the kind who would rather prefer that if their sons don't get married to African women, an African-American woman would then be acceptable because at least she's black. A white woman would be perceived as the ultimate disgrace, a rejection of possibly one's mother and culture. I do remember having a discussion with my mother during my teenage years where she said to me, "When you do decide to get married, it's better to get married as close to home as possible."


My older sister recently gave birth to a baby boy not too long ago and she's married to a man from the same country as I. For privacy reasons, I choose not to identify my country at this point. One of my two older brothers got married five years ago to an African-American woman whose father happens to be from Liberia. Their son is almost two years old now. I'm almost about to turn 30, so now the focus is on me and my second older brother who is in his mid-thirties and not married.


Ever since my older brother got married to my current sister-in-law, he suddenly became fiercely opposed to interracial relationships between black men and white women. He and my sister-in-law had broken up for a while before they got married, and he was dating a white lady whom my sister-in-law didn't like at all. My sister-in-law is one of those people who is a bit too outspoken for comfort and who often soeaks out about the injustices of white skin priviledge, white supremacy, institutionalized racism, etc. But many times, when the two of them and my other brother in his mid-thirties find themselves talking about the evil white people have done and continue to do, even though I do agree that a lot of white people have done evil things throughout history, I'm often the odd man in when they keep on talking about that over and over. I feel left out. They complain about NFL Football players who marry white women, etc., etc. So I know for sure that behind closed doors, I would be talked about and judged if my future wife turns out to be white.


Nonetheless, I have decided to continue to follow my heart and to not let any of their own personal opinions discourage me if I happen to find love outside my race. I know it will be an extremely tough battle, a one-man battle actually, because not even my older sister supports the idea of BM/WW relationships either. The fact is I'm not gonna settle with a U.S. black woman and make my life unhappy and miserable in the long run or simply decide to marry within my race to please people in my family at my own expense.



For the almost 12 years that I've been living in the U.S., in as much as I've had very negative experiences with American women of both races, U.S. black women never ever gave me a chance to date them during my college years growing up. I was the one perceived as "too nice," "acting white" because I took my school work seriously, etc. Time and time again I was passed over and made to feel as if I wasn't good enough to be any woman's boyfriend. At least with a few white women in this country, I have received indirect and very subtle hints of interest and attraction.


Now that I have become dedicated to lifting weights and working out, a lot of U.S. black women who under normal circumstances would never have considered me their equal or within their league when it comes to dating, suddenly act interested in me.


I would be interested in hearing survival strategies and pointers (especially from foreign black men, African-American men and even white women as well ) from those of you who have endured being in situations where most of your family members opposed your choice of mate because of her race or his race. This is a very difficult topic and problems of the heart are not easy ones to deal with.

 

Well for me,i dont think my immediate family will have that big of a deal with it.Its the distant family (cousins,aunts,etc) that make me worry.Also alot of females in my family make rude comments about black dudes who gt with white girls.Im not sure that im ready to get talked about behind my back when im not around.
My mothers always makes the usual black mother comments (you better not bring a white girl home,find a nice black girl)...but she will get over it.

 

You know I think it is really odd that I never considered the opposing view of this issue until I was grilled by my boy friends auntie. It is not only my dad lol who is in oppostion to ww bm relationships. A good wake up call to realize that it goes both ways.

 

Oh yeah...it definitely can go both ways and sometimes the black family is far more opposed to IR than the white family. I think that most BM who date WW, prepare themselves mentally for any rejection from their girlfriend/fiancee/wife's family. WW that are new to IR might not always expect to see prejudice on the black side.

I can understand how it might be challenging for an African man. I think it varies from family to family. Some of my African friends have families that prefer their sons to marry African (and preferrably the same ethnic group) at all costs. Some families don't mind if the girl is African American as long as she isn't white. Of course I've also known some families that would rather the girl be white than African American....so I guess it all depends....


It would be nice if BM/WW relationships could reach the point where no one takes a second look when the two people walk down the street.....we are getting there...but we aren't there yet.

There is the notion that BM/WW is mainstream...but it's still quite a rare pairing in reality. Blacks are the least likely group to marry outside their race......it's also a myth that all successful black men marry WW. The vast majority of football (and futbol), basketball players etc. marry BW...but often..the camera isn't interested in following the black wives around. The attention on high profile IR serves to create this mythology that any black man worth 2 cents will marry white...which of course gives black women ammunition for a war that shouldn't be fought....it provides cover fire for white men that pursue Asian women.



Here is how it works....(not my opinions...just unfortunate stereotypes)


WW who dates IR = confused, spoiled, looking for adventure, oddball

BM who dates IR = hates his mother, hates himself, traitor

WM who dates IR = looking for a little spice, cultured, ladies man, cool

BW who dates IR = snotty, spoiled, desperate, gold-digger