*SIGH* when will this end

Hi all,

funny/sad thing happened to me this week. I recently broke up with my african boyfriend, about 6 weeks ago, because of his lack of resepect for me (no, it wasn't cheating, as far as I know)...Anyway, I'm actually staying with a friend of his in the USA and went out to a great African club.

Met a guy who I just chatted to and he offered, very professionally, to take me out to dinner the next day. As I'm heading out of town, and made this very clear, I accepted.

So, he comes over, picks me up. We have a great afternoon. I can kind of tell he likes me. I guess I could have been more forceful. It's not that he wasn't nice, it's just that I just got out of a relationship and am totally not looking.

I send him an email, as promised, with some photos of our "date"....
And the next day I get an email from his WIFE! who was very polite, given the circumstances, and basically said that she thought he was cheating again and she's divorcing him. I don't blame her...

He back-talked some sh*t to me and I basically told him to shov it, because I don't need "friends" like that...

Jeez. I wish people were just so much better than this. It hurts me to see this kind of sh*t happening. Maybe people see it differently, but if you're still living with the chick, it's not over....So, I blasted him and said I think he should grow up and behave like a responsible man.

I feel awful for his wife. Of course, if I had known that she existed I would have never given him my number. How terrible. I feel bad. Why is being honest such a difficult thing for people?

He was from west, Central Africa. I think his wife is an American, not black (if he is to be believed).

 

Your story is more funny than anything. No need to make a misunderstanding more dramatic than what it actually is.

Pretend you're a guy by laughing about it and moving on to the next city.

 

dont be upset about it ...there r hundreeds and hundreeds guys like that ...and im sure girls as well ..


They are ALL always SINGLE whith me until they get a sh@@@@t from their wife/gf haha...


trust but verify thats a rule

 

What? You broke up with your BF? I'm so sorry!

About the date: some African men (not all!) does seem to feel like they have a right to cheat. I guess it because of the polygamous nature of their societies.

But, a lot of people cheat, so it's not just an African phenomenon, I guess...

 

All kinds

It happens all over.

I wouldn't say polygamous so much as patriarchal. Many communities may be strongly patriarchal but polygymy is a totally different ball game, and can never be blanketed across so many different communities and religious backgrounds.

Western society has a dominant patriarchal structure too, just that it's more subversive.


Agreed some men may be more open about it (the 'right') thing- but white boys, Afro American men, damn- men cheat on their wives.

Trust me, before I was a children's/legal aid lawyer I worked for 3 months in family law. And nobody needs me to quote my crap pseudo statistics as a pretty rookie lawyer to know all kinds can cheat.


Just 3 months- but enough to see a hell alot of divorces with the man having cheated. And they were all colours, baby!

Sorry to hear your story FEHG. Just be careful and use your instincts wherever you can. Get some bad news just keep on walking hon and don't look back.

It can happen with anyone. Women cheat on their hubbies, too!

 

You also have to remember that in some of these African countries it is ok for a man to have two wives and that might also play a part. There is a saying that goes"if his wife is pregnant so is his girlfriend"

 

Oh, please don't get me wrong - I'm not bothered by it...at all. I wasn't interested anyway - I just felt like meeting some new people and going out. I kind of knew he liked me, but if I had have known he had a wife, I would NEVER have given him my number.

It just makes me sad that people who otherwise appear to be intelligent and interesting do this kind of stuff. It really annoys me. it's like making it 80% of the way...why not just go the last 20% and be a really great person?

And, I KNOW it's not just an African thing - but it is part of the stereotype, and I wish I could say that the majority of African men that I've met don't fulfil all the negative stereotypes, but sadly, I can't say that.

And, I think that if you're living in a western country, and prefering to date non african women, you should make an effort to understand it. I dont know, maybe that's just me.

I tend to think that if I chose to move to Africa, and wanted to date African men - I should come to the party - their home, their culture, my choice...you know? oh well. I just don't think it's a good enough excuse.

Ronja:
Regarding my (now) ex Zimbo man....Yeah, I broke up with him about 6 weeks ago...after 18 months and a lot of ups and downs oh well. We were trying to sort things out, but we had an argument the other night, and he said some really awful things, and I realised two things.
a) it's not good enough if he actually loves me like he said, - I shouldn't have to put up with that, and
b) I'm not even really bothered by the things he said, when they were*quite* rude. Pretty big hint.

That's life.
Maybe, one day, I will find a nice black man preferably with a great accent who I can enjoy!

 

In advance: I'm sorry if what I'm writing now will offend anyone. Especially you African men on the board. You know I love you, so please bear with me. I'm just a stupid muzungo woman who really know nothing. I'm just trying to make sense of what little I see. OK? :smt089

I can say that the majority of African men I've met don't fulfil ALL the negative stereotypes. But sadly the majority do seem fulfil some of them. My man included. But I guess that's why there are stereotypes, because there are some truth to them... (For instance I'm a Scandinavian, and I actually do ski every winter.)

Men from all over the world cheat. But what is "interesting" with many of the cheating African men, is that they don't seem to do any effort to hide it what so ever. (Like the gentleman you met. He gave you an e-mail adress to an account his wife apparantly has acces to???) This is why I think perhaps some Africans feel it's OK for them to behave like this... And in a polygamous society, why shouldn't it be OK? If a man is allowed to have many wives, then of course he should also be allowed to go looking for new ones.

In an inter-cultural relationship everyone has to make an effort to understand the other one. But I agree with you. It's the one who have decided to live in a different culture who should make the most effort.

My man and I have decided that when we're living here he'll take what I say into extra considderation even if he at first disagrees. When we're in Cameroon I'll do the same.

 

Ronja,

As usual, I agree with everything you have said.

I'm very bad at putting my thoughts onto paper - I didn't mean that ALL the African men I've met have fulfilled ALL the stereotypes - I meant that All the stereotypes have been fulfilled and that everyone fits at least one of them. I guess I must do as well, thought, but I don't know what a negative stereotype of an Aussie chick is...I guess I can be a bit rough! haha.

In the 2 years (just about) that I've been regularly meeting and dealing with Africans, I can think of only 1 guy who I would trust, who I thought was honest, and could consider a possible friend. I've probably met over 100. You know when there's just that thing in your gut saying "hmm - can't put my finger on it, but there's something going on here"...well, this was the only guy who didn't have it, and the funny thing is, he was also one of the youngest people i've met - only 20 years old.

I absolutely agree that when I, as a white chick, decide to date anyone of another culture, there are additionaly things that I must understand, appreciate and compromise on that I wouldn't when dating someone of my own culture - that's just the way it goes....

To me, cheating is the MOST digusting thing a person can do. It not only shows a complete lack of respect for the other people, but it shows a total lack of self control. You can't "accidentally" cheat...it's not possible. The guy is christian - the email from his wife said (and I quote) "we went to church on sunday, and he told me that he had confessed to our priest"...WHAT?!?! then, he left separately to his wife and came to pick me up. Hmmm...very sincere. I can't STAND that kind of bullshit.

Anyway - if the whole thing wasn't so really terrible and totally stereotypical, it would be hillarious. It kind of is hillarious.

The funny thing is, the guy is calling me every day...

I sent him an enormous and brutal email telling him everything that I thought. I wasn't rude, or vicious, I was just painfully honest...he seems to have read it and is still calling me..."to check I'm ok"....and to "see how I'm doing"....and because he "wants to be friends". I have been travelling alone for months....OF COURSE I'M OK! I'm not stupid!
WHATEVER.

I have just stopped answering his calls.
I don't need friends who cheat on their wives. What an asshole.

He reckons that it's only his fiance/girlfriend and that they were practically broken up anyway. She called herself his "wife" and said she's getting a divorce. I'm on her side.

Either way, even if they're both talking bullshit, there's way too many dodgy things in there, and I certainly don't need to waste my time in dealing with strangers who have something missing in their brain. I hope he grows up, for the sake of his future girlfriends/wifes, children, and society in general. I have enough good friends - I don't need to clutter my life with parasites.

.....

The girl i'm staying with is actually the sister of my (now) ex bf...she's really cool. She kind of knows the guy I went to lunch/dinner with and I asked her if she knew he was married. She laughed and said no.

We chatted for a while, because she's have serious BM/African man problems herself...continuous BM problems, really....and she said yes "but sadly, we're addicted to them"..and I thought,
"yep - that's unfortunately true...I am" Despite the fact that I have never been hurt by a WM the way that I have by a BM (and, please don't get me wrong...my life has been pretty fine and cushy)...I can't even imagine ever dating a WM again, even though everyone I know is white.

I heard another quote, which I think has some truth to it.
"no-one can love you like a BM, no-one can hurt you like a BM".

 

"

Haha, this guy is a clown...This wanting to be friends bit makes makes me laugh. Friends with benefits I bet!:smt056

 

Hmmm....well, I am not a "friends with benefits" kind of person.

Besides...I made it known to him that I am not coming back to his town...and that I am leaving the USA.

And he said "I dont care, I will wait for you"...
And i just thought "OMG...this is such typical bullsh*t...AS IF anyone would wait, and why would I want a guy so desperate anyway?" I can't believe that anyone would think that kind of gushy crap actually works.

Anyway - I got a nice meal and drinks out of it, and a funny travel story. The not funny part is his wife.

 

Amen to that, sis...
I've told my hb very dierctly that cheating is an absolute deal-breaker. (As well as ever beating me, beating our children, or start acting all "pycho" on me.) Telling him had nothing to do with him being African btw. I once was in an abusive relationship, and after that I just like having things spoken out loud, to avoid any "confusion" later on. (That guy was Scandinavian btw)

 

Don't worry about his wife. You did nothing wrong.

And yes, it's a great story to tell when you come home

 

I had to think a little bit about this...

To me an Australian is hardly nothing but a better looking British with a surfboard... A bit "rougher" around the edges though...

So I guess a negative stereotype would mean that you, after a hard day on the beach, go to the pub and get heavily drunk on beer.
:smt003

Scandinavian women are supposed to be a bit easy I hear. And perhaps we are, compared to most women in the world. But the rumour is very exaggerated :lol:

 

Hi FEHG
Your story choched me...
I do have deep comassion for you.
Know that you have a shoulder to lean on, during these hardships.
I send you all my Love and Compassion.
With Love,
Georges Dossou

 

Hey hey!!!!
I like the Australian stereotype. I don't know about the kind of English part - I guess so....And apart from the surfboard - I would say it's true. There is no situation that can't be improved with beer.

And, the scandanavian one is the one that I know...not just easy, but very...how shall I put this....interesting/liberal/experimental.
Like going nude.

In terms of your chat with your man - I had pretty much the same one with my (now) ex. Cheating or hitting - No apology will suffice. I am gone. Lying is also up there for me, I CAN'T STAND IT! It's SO immature and stupid. UGH. Anyway - that's life, that's people.

To my ex's credit, he never touched me, and never cheated on me...or maybe not to his credit...As far as I'm concerned, this is just standard appropriate human behaviour...So all he did was reach the bare minimum..but, still...he could have been much worse! He was hot though....

Well, thanks Dossou, but it's not me to be worried about it. It's his wife, for a start...and him for the second. I am perfectly fine. Totally fine, just disappointed, I guess. I don't like meeting people who have so much potential, but who screw it up so monumentally.

Ahh, and if only your shoulder was in Texas right now haha. Just mucking around, mate.

How's things in Abidjan, by the way? I'm just reading a book about the Ivory Coast. Very interesting. Sounds like a good place, well at least in 1996 when the book was set. I would love to visit one day....Just need to learn some french.