Should you reveal your past? How much?

Since the number issue came up...

Everyone has a past. Some of it is great and we spread the gospel about it for the whole world… some of it is better kept in the dark secrets compartment. Much as our experiences may have made us who we are today, we don’t necessarily need to shout about all of them from the rooftops.

Eventually however, a new lover is going to start asking questions about your history. Some of your past is straightforward and can be discussed there and then. The other parts of history might be trickier to disclose, so you’ll definitely feel the need to be selective about which details to reveal and which should stay in the dark secrets vault.

What should you keep quiet from your new love?

One question that most people – especially women - push is how many women you’ve slept with. This is one question you should avoid answering like the plague. There is no good answer to this. If they are too few, he’ll feel you’re inexperienced. If you’ve slept with too many, he’ll label you a slut just looking to add some marks to your bedpost.

Should it matter now that you are together? And what number is acceptable? More than 7 … less than 11?.

Questions about someone’s past relationships will definitely arise coz we use this to try and figure out what kind of boyfriend or girlfriend you are with. How should you handle this dabble in private investigation? Should you give all the details?

Talking about an ex in the early stages of a relationship should be off limits. Your ex isn’t relevant to the new thing you have going on. Later, as you start to find out more about each other, references to past girlfriends should be limited to just a name and probably some fuzzy description of why it ended.

It’s important to show that you aren’t still emotionally involved in your past relationship so don’t recount every little thing they did to hurt you. “We were heading in different directions” is a better line rather than a deep account of every argument you had.

You might think your misspent youth could provide some stories that will make your lover crack up in laughter, but think carefully about what to tell and what not to. If she’s conservative don’t tell her about that week you spent in Amsterdam smoked up.

Much as everyone has little adventures in their time, some of these could prove unpalatable to others. As you get to know each other better, you can judge what stories your new lover will find amusing and which stories you should keep buried.
Some of us, however, might have some very big events in our past. You can forget about that packing ticket. But what if this big event involves an arrest warrant with your name on it in the next state? I think it’s wise to fess up.

Should you tell about your history of drug abuse, gambling debts, or any other big secret? Well, if you there is a chance this will come back to bite you on the a**, a good move could be to put all your cards on the table and face the consequences here and now.

How about those strippers in Tijuana? That night you went home with the stripper… Those twins in the next dorm at college? These little sex secrets we are proud of don’t require bragging about them to mom and certainly not to a new girlfriend or boyfriend either.

Much as you don’t want to appear inexperienced and naive, you also don’t want to paint yourself as a morally wrong kind of person. Kinky may be desirable yes, for example, letting your spouse know you’re open to light bondage, blindfolds, etc. However, save the sex stories for your buddies. With them, it’s all laughs. But see how much you’ll be laughing when the new spouse leaves you for being a pervert or when he or she tells you a few stories of their perverted past.

Is covering up the past an ideal way to start a new relationship? Is it the easiest and safest route to take? Whether you choose to neglect to mention some events or just lie about them is up to you. However, some skeletons in the closet that may come back to haunt you should be dealt with. The rest can be swept under the rug - next to all the secrets he or she has been keeping from you.

 

You brought up many good points. I think that what is important is whether or not the fact from the past in question shows who you still are today. If there's something you did in the past that you have stopped doing a long time ago, and it no longer represents who you are - there's no reason to go there. But if those things you did are important to you as a part of your identity - then he should know.

For example, a lot of people don't like Jews. My grandmother is Jewish. When I meet a man and I tell him about where I'm from, I'll tell right away about my mixed heritage, and if he has a problem with it, he can get to stepping right away, because it's a part of my identity that's not going anywhere. However, I won't tell him about those one-night stands or about that court case, because that was an old me that no longer exists, one he will never meet or deal with.

And then there are things that you will reveal eventually when you are together and close - maybe that you suffered from depression in the past, or that at one point you weren't good with handling money, stuff like that. The right person in your life will commend you for overcoming those problems and bettering yourself rather than judge you.

 

I've read this article and I think it also answers the question well.

Full Disclosure in Love
Tips to achieve true intimacy
by S.K. Smith

Though we rarely think of intimacy as a challenge (especially when we're single and looking for love!), sharing your life - and yourself - with another person is a complicated matter. Between the questions it poses (how much information is too much information) and the risks it involves (if I share how I truly feel will they still love me?), finding a way to be yourself, and accept your partner for who they are in return, requires opening your mind and your heart, as well as learning the fine art of timing.

If you're struggling with the delicate balance of an intimate relationship, or simply want to establish some ground rules for the next time you're part of a pair, try taking these tips for intimacy to heart (and head):

1. Remember, trust is earned
One of the biggest (though most well-intentioned) mistakes we make when we meet a person of interest is to pour our hearts out instantly. But giving someone the good, the bad and the ugly before you've exchanged middle names (or spent more than a night or two together) isn't intimate - nor is it wise if pursuing a long-term relationship is your goal.

The early part of dating is about getting to know each other. And aside from removing the mystery, instant full disclosure asks that you be judged on your history and experiences rather than who you are. You cast yourself in light of your past, when what you want to do is be present… and if things start to seem plausible, create a future. A time to reveal your deepest, darkest secrets (and biggest joys, too!) will come in time when you're with the right person. Naturally this doesn't mean you should hide things or lie - in fact, quite the opposite. But you can be honest without revealing your whole hand in the name of (premature) full disclosure. Trust is earned over time... Otherwise, we'd be intimately involved with everyone we casually date!

2. Honesty is paramount
While it's up to you to dictate your time line for opening up, honesty is of the utmost importance from day one of a relationship. What does this mean? It means not saying you like something you don't (you can express willingness to learn about your partner's hobbies rather than feigning experience with them). It means not pretending to be comfortable with a situation you're not (in hopes it will change or out of fear of scaring your lover away). It means being willing to open up as the situation merits it, and staying true to yourself no matter what. If you're dishonest with your partner or with yourself (about anything from favorite books to how compatible you actually think you are), you're setting the relationship up for failure. Think about it, if you're not yourself, then with whom are you asking your partner to fall in love with?

Always be yourself. In the right relationship, your mate is going to know your strengths and weaknesses and love you for all of them.

3. Acceptance is mutual
On that note, one of the toughest lessons to learn in love (and in life) is that nothing (or no one) is going to be perfect. You're not and neither is your partner (potential or proven). Love means acceptance. And in order to share true intimacy - wherein you contribute to the betterment of each other's lives while helping each other grow as individuals and a pair - both partners must be willing to accept each other - as they are, as they were, and as they will be. Remaining honest and trusting each other are two ways to foster that atmosphere. But you must also be open. That doesn't mean you should accept being poorly treated, or compromise your beliefs in the name of love. The acceptance in question means cultivating understanding in good times and bad, knowing what's important and letting the little things slide.

4. Selflessness is sometimes required
Lastly, in a relationship, things are rarely all about you - or your partner. Both of you play a role in your actions and reactions - as do outside factors. The point is, while we all can have the tendency to be self-centered at times (after all, we only know our own experiences and feelings), true intimacy requires being able to read your partner and assess (and tend to) their needs as well as your own. Of course it's not your job to make sure they're taken care of at all times, but being intimate does require occasionally checking your own needs at the door. The beauty part is you get that back twofold - both in the act itself (giving is rewarding, after all) and when it's your turn to be cared for in return.

http://www.californiapsychics.com/articles/Love/2360/Full_Disclosure_in_Love.aspx

 

Was there a question?...oh yeah, tell as little as possible.

No guys wants to know that the woman he loves...
had an ex that had a bigger d*ck than he does
or slept with the entire 3rd floor of her co-ed dorm.
likes to toss salads

No woman wants to know the man she loves...
once slept with men for money
has hit women
likes to toss salads

These are all potential deal breakers for alot of men and women, but are things that could be left in the past and have no effect on your future with said person.

Three words for you...smoke and mirors.

 

LOL very true!

 

I find that sharing some of those secrets can be a great bonding experience, but that's me. I think that it's really up to the individual how much to share in a relationship...both individuals. When I met my boyfriend we both had a lot of things we held back, and eventually things started coming out. I'm a pretty accepting person, so I tend to have a higher tolerance of not so pleasant pasts, so finding out some of those things about him really just made me care more, because he was letting his guard down with me. Knowing that he was comfortable enough to share his experiences, good and bad, with me made me feel nice. But you also have to take into account he's not the type of person to share much, so it made it feel special.

Not that I've enjoyed listening to everything he's told me. He's done a few things that make me uncomfortable (and it takes a lot to do that, lemme tell you), but if a topic comes up that bothers me I'll usually just steer the conversation in a different direction.

I think it just depends on the relationship in question as to how much either person should share. If they can take hearing about that wild orgy you participated in, or maybe even be interested in hearing about it, then share away. Sharing the location of a body you tossed into the swamp, however...maybe you should keep that to yourself.

 

"When you meet someone for the first time you're not meeting them, you're meeting their representative."- Chris Rock

Enough said. :smt045

 

Who doesn't Toss Salad????

 

:lol: That just made me laugh...nice one.

In all seriousness though? I've come to the conclusion that I no longer offer any of my past unless it's brought up. I had a lot of, um, "moments" in college, and a few since the divorce, and I figure if anyone wants to know, then they'll ask. And if it's not a huge deal to the other person, then they shouldn't be asking in the first place. If I've learned anything in my 20's it's to never ask a question you can't handle the answer to, so I will put my past behind me...or put my behind in my pants...huh?

 

Women are just too generous with their bodies nowadays.

Your past will ALWAYS haunt future relationships.

Just stop being so damn easy..practice some discipline for a change.

It won't kill you not to be a whore.

No man in his right mind wants a used-up woman that's been run thru more than the drive thru at McDonalds.

"Well men can have many sex partners and it's OK..why the double standard?"

I NEVER hear virtuous women say bullshit like that..just the tramps.

 

And yet, no guy will answer the question. And what's the magic number between "experience" and being "run through as many times as the McDonald's drive through?"

It's alright, you can call me a tramp. I prefer to think of it as training.

 

You sound WRONG but I can't argue with you... I know I would prefer a guy who's been selective rather than one who's hit everything he could.

 

You can call it what you want to..but it all boils down to you getting used-up and talked about.

When shopping for a used car..one usually prefers the car with fewer miles.

 

Somebody had to say it..

Another thing.

You ladies have to STOP screwing LOSERS.

Too many of the wrong men have access to women.

Why pass along the genes of a loser????

Why burden the next generation with trashy..sorry ass offspring?

In the animal kingdom..females don't screw LOSERS.

Too bad todays women don't have the sense God gave a bird.

 

I don't really know.

Women lie about their sexual past in the opposite direction than men.

If a guy had 10 women he'll lie and say he had 100.

If a woman had 100 men she'll lie and say 10.

 

A little cynical towards women, are you?

There's a lot of that going around lately. :roll:

 

Don't even try it.

You KNOW what I'm saying is true.

Guys and girls lie in different directions.

 

HAHAHA, I wouldn't go THAT far. Maybe 100 to 15 ratio, but not 100 to 10 :wink:

 

I got the ame feeling,too