Seeing an Ex

okay, we were dating and seeing each other 5 days a week and said we would talk about becoming exclusive between 4 and 6 months into dating. Month 4 rolled around and he said he wanted to become exclusive, I agreed. Then he said it was going to be hard for him because he had not been in an exclusive relationship for quite some time. I said that he should only commit to me if he wanted to be in an exclusive relationship, NOT if he merely didn't want me to date other people. He replied that he was not sure waht his motivation was. So then I said that I was ready to be in an exclusive relationship but for the right reasons and that I could not be with him if he didn't know why he wanted it. So I ended things and a few weeks later I meet my new man, who happens to have all the qulaities and liked about my ex and then some and IS sure what he wants and then we got exclusive immediately.

Bottom line is they are BOTH nice men. The ex and I were not meant to be and that is okay, does not make him or me bad people. Just not suited to be together.

My new guy and I have talked and talked and talked about who we are and what we want and are on the same page. I have learned that hiding stuff is no good and he knows that the ex wants to remain friends and he is okay with it provided that an appropriate amount of time passes.

When my ex spotted us out at the club, I told my new guy he was there. The ex comes up says hi to me introduces himself and tells my new guy that his sister graduated college with him, tells him that he and I dated t and asks if he minded if he spoke with me for a moment in fornt of him. My new guy was gracious, we chatted for about 2 minutes and the ex was on his way. It was akward yes, but so much better than it could have been.

 

This trips me out because this all happened in Boston. Wow culture shock.

 

Why does it trip you out that this happens in Boston? We have been called the "smallest big city in America"

 

I'm assuming both guys were black and the mental image of you with two black dudes you dated in the same place seems off. Boston is notorious for its overt racism so it came of a little weird to me.

 

Hell ya! One of my ex's was anxious to be friends and I told her once it's over it's over. Needless to say I deleted her number but kept her ass on my FB page. We don't speak but maybe leave each other a comment on FB like once a year. Thats about it but my recent ex we still talking and chances are we may get back together.

 

they are both black. Parts of Boston like Dorcester, Mattapan, downtown, and cambrige are ok. As part of an interracial couple I stay CLEAR of both south boston and charlestown.

 

Smart move.

 

So let me get this straight. Dude "A" you have been dating for awhile is honest with you and tells you that, for the past "upteen" weeks/months/years he's been a single type dude. He wants you in his life but he understands the change may be difficult. Going from just you, to someone else. Now he tells you this after 4 months with is essentially still a "new" relationship.

...he's up front and honest (as women say they want a man to be) with his feelings about you and the relationship...and (for whatever reason) he tells you.

...you dump his ass, cuz he won't make you is *cough* wifey

...and them you meet thirsty dude "B" who wants to become exclusive with you immediately or did I read that wrong?

Women puzzle me. Dude A should have just kept his mouth just and lied like the rest of us. You taught him a valuable lesson.

 

Seems like that's the age we live in. There's a fucking penalty for being honest and rewards for being a liar.
All I've learned recently is to keep my mouth shut. Just say nothing and let them think what they want. Its the ONLY way to have peace.

 

Not only is it not the ONLY way to have peace, it's a ridiculous way to live. Spending time in a relationship where you can't speak your mind or be yourself is a waste of everyone's time. Like me, or don't like me, doesn't matter either way because I'm not changing to suit anyone. I'd rather be alone, than put myself on mute, and someone who truly loved you as they should, wouldn't expect you to. That's some selfish, weak ass crap... and those aren't qualities that I find attractive.

 

Its a nice thought Esp but we as a nation have devolved into a overly PC arena where everything is the immediate end of the world. I see this especially in romantic relationships. I'm still hearing about the posy I put on here. Mind you that was like two months ago. So what I take away from that experience and other situations I've observed is that most women want to be handled with kid gloves. They want a perfect world where nothing unpleasant happens.

 

You make a very valid point.

(Some) women have crazy expectations on men. It's no wonder they keep things hidden, the fear of backlash would definitely outweigh the 'nobility' of being honest.

 

That's not reality though, and playing along just enables them to continue to behave like that. I feel for you as this is not fair to you, however it's your life so do as you please, but I have no time and no tolerance for people who can't handle the truth, and can't move on and just let stuff be finished. I assure you that may start off playing along to keep the peace, but one day you will resent the need to do that, and you'll resent them for requiring it.

There are no off-limits topics of conversation if I'm in a relationship. I expect him to speak his mind, bluntly if possible, and I hold nothing he says to me against him. If you want honesty to be a cornerstone of your relationship, then you have to take what they say and not penalize them for it. If you're going to set boundaries, and you aren't allowed to talk about something, it should be a topic that is mutually off limits to your partner as well. It's unfair to expect someone to not bring something up, but yet you bring it up when it's convenient for you, or you want to make them feel bad, or you want to have your way. Deflection and misdirection are the tactics of weak people who don't want to deal with the truth, and it's just childish and inappropriate.

 

Well unfortunately it seems like a reoccurring themes with many of the women I have in my life romantically or otherwise. Shit even on this forum saying something unpopular or umpleasant makes people up and leave. And the worst thing is women like yourself have to pay the price and it ain't fair. And a lot of women wonder why their men are miserable and lie so much. Smh.

 

..

 

I saw a documentary this afternoon where a woman said she wasn't mad about her man cheating but more because he lied. Is there really an honest way to go about cheating? Lol.
Honesty is better as a secret.

 

That's something that actually really pisses me off too. Paying for the mistakes made by other people, or being measured according to the depressingly low standards other people set. It isn't fair, and as a woman I do find men hesitant to believe that they can be honest with you, but fortunately some eventually get it. I understand why they think like that, but I think it's sad people can't just approach everyone with a clean slate, because you never know how much you miss out on by prejudging people.

Oh and while I would encourage you to speak your mind, I feel it necessary to warn you that your nosy ass stalker bitch is hanging on your every word at this very moment.

 

You know I've said it before myself: "why wouldn't he just be honest with me?" and then when I really sit back and think honestly about how I would have responded to his "honesty", I know that it wouldn't have gone down well....

Same goes in reverse. I try really hard to be totally honest with people, but when it comes to feelings, and you know that being honest is going to stir up a shit storm, a little white lie makes things a little more smooth sailing...

Not that I think that's the right way to do it. I still strive to be honest. But I understand the reasons why honesty is sometimes so difficult. And that's why I'm always trying to look at my own reactions to things and make sure I can be as open minded and level headed as possible.

 

Sort of an oversimplification my friend. Dude A as you put is and I knew each other for a while before we started dating. He was willing to be exclusive because he wanted to keep me, not because HE wanted to do it. Yes is was good of him to admit that the change would be hard, but I have been in a sinilair situation and KNOW that you have to chnage for YOURSELF, not someone else.

In Terms of Dude B, he is at the point in his life where he wants an seriuos relationship and we all get to that point.

Men in my mind are the ones who puzzle me. They seem to appreciate something more once it is gone.

 

the problem with everyone is that they can tell the truth because they are not honest with themselves. people lie to themselves and thus live a lie. when people tell the facts then it crosses the lie. a lie and the truth cant live in the same home. it will not work.

I have told plenty of women what they wanted to hear and got the booty but in the long run it was a fucked up thang. so I just told it like it was (in a nice way) in what I wanted and they appreciated it. as a matter of fact it worked better in the long run for a bro.

people will say anything to get what they want but dont realize it will bite them in the ass heavily in the end.

thirsty bitches and punks.