Scared of what you love?

Are there black guys out there who love white women, but who are intimidated by them?

I say this because I'm one of them. I love white women, but I find it next to impossible to approach one. I'm rather shy, yes, but I think it goes much deeper than that.

There are two things I'm profoundly afraid of: #1, being rejected (which is childish, granted, but still...) and #2, having a woman say "yes," and then having to deal with the complications that may come about as a result of that (i.e., the "what's daddy going to think" syndrome.) So this has forced me into a position where I have white female friends, but am scared to death of attempting to take things further with any one of them.

I have gotten as close as possible to my white female friends without trying to take things further; it's profoundly frustrating, as though there's an invisible barrier preventing me from doing so. I think some of them can tell that I have fairly warm feelings towards them, but at this point they probably recognize that I'm unwilling to "take the lead," so to speak. (In the past, when some have "taken the lead," I've politely rebuffed them, due to fear # 2 mentioned above.)

I think this is left over from my high school and college years, where interracial dating was still considered very controversial (I could count only FIVE BM-WW couples that I saw in both high school and college COMBINED). Friendships across race where common, but dating? Obviously, significantly less so. It was an unwritten rule, perhaps one I observed too well.

So the question is, are there other black men who are in this position? Other guys who love white women but who are, on some level, scared to death of them?

Or am I just too chickensh*t to approach a white woman?

 

My guess would be that you're too chicken shit to approach ANY woman of ANY race. Don't worry, I have the same problem!

The issue is, by being "friends" with these women you have pretty much made impossible them seeing you as a sexual partner. You probably act nice to get them to like you.

WOMAN DO NOT LIKE THIS. No, they SAY they like "nice guys" but the undeniable fact is that WOMEN OF ALL RACES respond to the ALPHA MALE, and the ALPHA MALE does NOT act nice or attempt to "befriend" women in order to get into their pants. He acts alpha and THEY choose him after he displays qualities of manliness. Now think about it--when you're in a group with your female friends and other guys, are you the center of attention? Do you try to be? Or are you merely observing some other alpha male be the center of attention?

YOU HAVE TO DOMINATE SOCIALLY. BE THE CENTER OF ATTENTION. They'll INEVITABLY be attracted to you for this.

Now you sound like you have a confidence issue--this is a problem, buddy, and if you are radiating that to any woman of any race then there's going to be considerably less attracted to you and reserve you for friendship rather than fucking. And when you try to be "friends" with a chick you want to fuck, you're only setting yourself up for pain, because SHE is getting her needs met through the relationship (emotional connection) while YOU are not getting your needs (sexual companionship from her) met.

btw, being rejected is a common fear of all men. probably has to do with the fact that back in the days of tribalism and all a male who was rejected by a female was degraded in the eyes of his community and he therefore couldn't reproduce. So that fear is there for a reason--unfortunately, it's useless in today's society, and is a fear we should all overcome. BECAUSE THE HIGHER YOUR REJECTIONS THE HIGHER YOUR SUCCESSES UNDOUBTEDLY.


Also, because of the fact that you mentioned having "friendship" with ladies you want to sleep with--you are undeniably an intellectualwhore.

If you are not familiar with the concept read this website thoroughly:

laddertheory.com

 

You are not alone, Devone. The only difference between my shyness and yours is that I'm not as worried about what her family will think as I am afraid of getting rejected by a white girl in front of an audience. I always get the feeling that most white guys and black women would get some perverse thrill watching me getting rejected by a white woman because they always seem to notice when I'm checking one out. Also, with the exception of my job and some night classes I'm taking, I don't have much experience interacting with white women socially. I don't really know what to say to a ww I'm interested in. People always say that all you have to do is approach a ww the same way that you approach bw, but I don't know if that's good advice or not. Most ww and bw have totally different personalities and qualities (other than physical ones) they want in a man.

And I don't fit most of the black stereotypes. I don't walk with a swagger, I can't play basketball worth a damn and I'm not a good dancer. I''m more cerebral as I write poetry and I'm actually very shy offline. I believe that most ww who want to meet bm at least want him to be the life of the party, which I am not. I'm more of the type who loosens up the more I get to know a woman. So, I think ww aren't as quick to choose me because they can find a white man who has my same characteristics. Here in Atlanta, I see plenty of bm/ww couples at the malls, concerts, etc., and I often find myself wondering how and where they met those women.

Here's an example of my shyness. Going to work, I usually ride MARTA (Atlanta's version of a subway/bus transit system). I leave for work around the same time every day, and I kept noticing this cute white girl on the train. Sometimes, she would notice me looking and give me this half smile/quizzical expression. So one day, before I left for work, I wrote her a one page note and waited for her at the train platform. When I saw her, I nervously walked up and gave her the note in front of one of her female friends.

She said, "What's this?"

"It's just my phone number," proclaimed Mosiah.

Some people saw what I did and kept staring at me and almost laughing at my obvious anxiety. I was so nervous that I walked off without waiting for her to finish reading it. Needless to say, she has yet to call me. Whenever I do see her in the mornings, her female friend looks scared and the girl I gave the note to looks halfway flattered and partially nervous. We still ride the train at the same time, but unless she says something to me, I'm not going to bother her again. My shyness messed me up in this situation bigtime!

Peace.

 

I understand how devone feels, in fact, I used to feel that way, but I could always masquerade it around them, so they wouldn't get wise to it...

however, since I have had interactions with white women throughout my life, I have never had to worry too much about rejection...

and, Bill gives good advice, and what he mentioned is what I figured out on my own, that's how I have been able to disguise my feelings around some white women.

 

I think that this topic was mostly intended for the guys out there, but I feel the need to respond.

About the shyness factor: that's a tough one and I completely understand, however for me, I have always respected a guy who can initiate contact - in a non-sleazy way, of course!

In my book, there is much to be said for the guy who appears to have confidence (note... I said "appears to have..." cause that's all you really have to do... just don't let anyone know that your knees are shaking!!)

Even if I am not interested, if a guy initiates contact and flirts.. it can be a lot of fun!

So, you need to gather up your courage and start something... anything! Maybe you could even start things out by approaching girls that you don't find as attractive (they can seem like less of a threat).

But I can't say that ww are different to approach... I can only speak for myself! And what may work with one ww, may not work with another... just like all women out there!

 

Your post was really sweet.

My partner is more like you - it took him to approach me but he is self-effacing, thoughtful person, who looks tougher than he acts and is generally quiet in company until he knows people well. That attracts me to him and has done to previous partners as I like a sense of mystery about a person, and can't bear to be with a man who isn't thoughtful and cerebral - well, apart from as a purely sexual partner!

It really is a fallacy that women only want men who are the centre of attention...i dated one for a year and a half and in the end his bouncy attention seeking made me want to do something murderous to him. Deep down I'm a quiet, thoughtful and fairly insular person, despite enjoying conversation and going out, and someone who is deeply introvert isn't interested in someone constantly seeking attention. So bad advice! If you want good advice, it is that if someone is going to be attracted to you, they will be within the first moments of meeting, even if it is only on a subconscious level. And that's a personal thing, so you shoudln't hold it against yourself if it's not there. Secondly, if you feel there is an attraction - and usually there is something there to see - hold onto it by paying her some attention, if being friends is the way to go then do it, but hold onto a little of that mystery about yourself. And beyond that, one of the most attractive things to me is a man with maturity and a sense of self-possession, you don't need to be loud or assertive over others as long as you have some sense of security in yourself.

So cheer up shy chaps, women do appreciate you!

 

I must say that not all women respond to the alpha male approach, we're all different and like different things so will obviously respond differently.

 

I wonder if, for me, it's because I like being alpha female too much :lol:

 

Women only start to like the nice guys after their biological clock starts ticking. It's a recorded fact--when women are younger they like guys that are more daring...as they mature and need security or a stable figure, they'll settle for the "nice" guy.

 

I'm 22, and have been dating the 'nice' guy since I was 16. :lol:

 

Bullshit. As a diverse bunch of people we have a diverse range of preferences and reactions.

 

Any women who will say she is not attracted to the alpha male is fat, ugly and lying to herself. To NOT be attracted to an alpha male means shutting down her very biological senses and it would also constitute a high level of intelligence and comprehension.

Alpha-males are created by the universal nature of female preferences, and by the fact that women are far more pickier than men in choosing their mates. Men wind up divided into three categories: alpha-males, who get lots of sex, beta males, who find one quality mate if they are lucky, and the remainder, who starve.

If there were more women who genuinely liked 'nice guys' then you will see more 'nice guys' dating instead of complaining. If you want attractive white women to be interested in you, then you are going have to be at the top of the survival food chain. In the world of psychology and genealogy we call this 'Player Theory', and it only applies to hotties ONLY. Confidence (attitude), decisiveness (dominance), Seduction (Sexual Prowess) and the use of pivots/social proof (reputation), are among the qualities in 'Player Theory' used to convey to women and society that they are alphas.

Women will always try to deny their attraction to alphas, so do not believe a word that comes out the mouth of one who says so otherwise - because she will most likely have undesirable traits anyway and not worth your time anyway.

 

yo Devone, I was just like you for a long time, i was raised to be a gentleman in the south and so it was very hard being the only black boy in my hood and school and church and having a fearful time of being rejected or it not going well. I got over it by College and Graduate school though, as women are more apt to approach you there.

it really depends on your demeanor, at least smile at them, say hello, dont be a guy who has to try to be a pick up artist with all the bad lines, just be a a nice guy. I had a friend whom i was in love with and she rejected me when i told her, but it was because we had been such good friends that she was afraid to lose that. watch the being friends thing as you get older, or they may think thats all you are.

falling in love and being in love takes RISK, you have to risk being rejected and having your heart broke, to know what it feels like and how to seek out real love, not SEX or what you might think is love

 

I dont know you personally so i can only offer you help with words as you could possibly imagine. But let me ask you a few rhethorical questions:

Have you imagined who the greatest winner of friends is?
Why not study his technique?
Who might he even be?

There are not any straight answer to those questions. About the assumed greatest winner of friends of the world, you might just meet him coming down the street. When you get within ten feet of him, he will begin to wag his tail. If you stop and pat him, he will almost jump out of his skin to show you how much he likes you. And you know that behind this show of affection on his part, there are no ulterior motives: he doesn't want to sell you any real estate, and he doesnt want to marry you.
Did you ever stop to think that a dog is the only animal that doesn't have to work for a living? A hen has to lay eggs, a cow has to give milk, and a canary has to sing. But a dog makes his living by giving you nothing but love.
Human beings, hysterically enough, have a similar approach to friendship and love as dogs. Believe me my friend, you'd never read a book on friendship; you dont even need to. Divine instincts just give it away that you would make friends in just two months by becoming genuinely interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you. Let me repeat that: you can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you. Yet i know and you know people who blunder through life trying to wigwag other people into becoming interested in them. If you merely try to get people interested in you, you will never have many true friends and possibly soulmates. Friends, real friends, are not made that way.
Alfred Adler, the famous Viennese psychologist, wrote a book entitled "What Life Should Mean To You". In that book he says, "It is the individual who is not interested in his fellow humans who has the greatest difficulties in life and provides the greatest injury to others. It is from among such individuals that human failures spring".
I have discovered from personal experience that one can win the attention and time and cooperation of even the most sought-after people by becoming genuinely interested in them.
When you want to approach a woman, there are five main things you have to convey:

That you are NOT desperate at ALL.
That you are DOMINANT AND MEAN BUSINESS.
That you are being SPONTANEOUS.
That you are SINCERE.
That you are a WINNER in LIFE.

Notice how NONE of the things mentioned above are about how INCREDIBLY AWESOME you think SHE is. That's because, if you are the kind of MAN she wants to meet, then in HER mind, she's thinking that you should be able to attract women like her without a problem, so she really shouldn't be a big deal to you.

Anything that indicates EFFORT to speak to her, on your part, is a signal to a woman that you are desperate.

Notice I said EFFORT, not COURAGE.

Let me give you examples of indicating too much effort:

You see a woman in a mall, walking, and she is FAR away from you. If you want to approach her, do not let her see that you are running half way across the mall to approach her! Instead, you should set it up so that you walk ahead of her without her noticing that you have noticed HER, then casually slow down, turn a bit as if you are looking at something, and VOILA- she just "happens" to walk right toward you. NOW you can do your thing- after all, she was right in front of you, right- it was NO BIG DEAL...lol. Also, try to avoid anything anything that puts her on a pedestal as it reeks of desperation. This includes over-use of compliments, (I prefer to use none) especially on her beauty. Also, agreeing with everything she says and constant smiling and nodding also reeks of desperation. It says that you are treating her as if she has THE POWER TO MAKE YOU SO DAMN HAPPY- this THROWS ALL THE POWER IN HER COURT, and makes you seem INFERIOR.

After all, if you are not desperate, then why are you getting so excited and happy from her? Let HER smile instead. Giving her too much approval, too much attention, leaning in to her physically or metaphorically, all add up to d-e-s-p-e-r-a-t-i-o-n in her mind. Also, I should mention that acting MEAN does NOT SHOW that you are not desperate, it actually shows that you are indeed bitter and desperate.

 

White girls, to me, are a different kind of girl, but the slight differences are cool i think. Well, i'm not necessarily afraid to approach white girls, but i have to admit that i do worry about what they're going to say if i do. A lot of crazy things go through my mind such as, has she ever dated a black guy before, and if she's standing with some of her friends i'll start to wonder if she's gonna reject me even though she likes me just so her friends don't think that she likes a black guy or something ya know. These things are really silly, but interracial dating is kinda weird sometimes. There's actually a girl in my class that i think is really cute, and i think about saying something to her all the time, but there are these really silly things that keep stopping me from doing that. In order to avoid rejection and embarrassment, i usually try to pick up on some kind of signal (either eye contact or a smile) that the girl gives me so that i'll know if she likes me or not (when you know that somebody likes you it's much much easier to approach them i think). Well, when the semester started, i would catch her staring at me all the time, but i always got the feeling that she didn't know if i would even like her or not. Isn't that weird? I could think that a white girl is really good looking, but sometimes it just feels like they are really unsure about if i would even like them or not. I can't speak for all of the adults, but i think that a lot of the white girls do like black guys, but they don't know if black guys would be interested in them, and i do think that some of the black guys really like the white girls, but they are unsure about if the white girls would like them or not. The whole thing is just really weird i tell ya.

 

i decided to continue my post here so i dont bore you. So there's a continuation.

Women can tell IMMEDIATELY if a guy lacks guts- if he is less than dominant, when he approaches them and opens his mouth. Sometimes, even BEFORE he approaches them, women can tell if he is a submissive little boy.

How ?

Simple: If a guy STARES at a woman instead of just IMMEDIATELY approaching her, a woman knows the guy is TOO NERVOUS to act on his DESIRE. So if you ever see a woman you'd like to approach, don't let her in on it before you have decided to TAKE ACTION.

Now, it's best to just go up immediately, so you don't over analyze the situation and bog yourself down with doubts, but if you have no idea what you are going to say, (i.e. you need to figure out a tease to say), then don't look at her as you are figuring out what you are going to say. Figure it out, and THEN IMMEDIATELY approach her. Meaning "business" is especially important when you ask for an email, or if you suggest an "instant date". Let's say you've chatted it up with a woman for a few minutes, and then you ask for her email...

At this point, I believe a woman makes a subtle TEST...she wants to see if you MEAN BUSINESS, or if you are just playing around, or if you are too scared to really do this kind of thing, etc, etc.

DO NOT SMILE when you ask for the email. Look her straight in the eye, totally calm, without fear, without smiling. You are being a man, offering a woman something she WANTS. Sugar coating it with smiles, etc, only makes it look like you are trying to sell her a raw deal. And if there is a pause, a silence, DO NOT FILL THE "uncomfortable" quiet by saying ANYTHING.

You asked her for her email, and now she has a CHOICE to say yes no or maybe. But if YOU fill the void, it's a sign of you NOT being confident, it's a sign of you trying to find a way out of this "emotional risk" (which is really no risk when you think about it)- and that would not be sexy. During that pause, she will be checking your expression to see if you are a MAN. If she sees you MEAN it, and are offering her NO EASY WAY OUT to lessen the rejection you may face, it shows her you are not afraid of the consequences of your asking, because you MEAN IT and are prepared to accept whatever may happen.

This is NOT desperation, it's MEANING BUSINESS.

By the way, in terms of dominance, it's crucial not to make the mistake of thinking this means to be a JERK. What it really means is to behave in a way that only a guy who is TOO COMFORTABLE with her can. Being a smart-ass can sometimes convey dominance as well- here's an example:

Once, I was at a trendy clothing store and teasing the girl who worked there, telling her the caps on display (which had a "beat up" look) were defective merchandise...she laughs and tells me it's the style, I tease her some more and say "Sure, you get this stuff at a garage sale and then call it "the latest style" " She laughs more.. then I take the hat and put it ON HER HEAD...and I take a long moment...as if I am deciding if it looks good or not on her, instead of just kissing up.... She was EATING THIS UP...loving every second of it. This is what I mean by dominance, as opposed to being a jerk.
In reality, what APPEARS to be spontaneous to a woman is actually REHEARSED, and when a guy is truly spontaneous, he comes across to a woman as desperate.

To appear SPONTANEOUS in a good sense, you actually have to PRACTICE! Hey, I didn't say women were logical... That means whenever you see women anywhere, go up to them and tease them, and chat them up, and don't think too much about how seriously interested you are or are not. It's about developing the skill to just go up to women and tease, chat, without thinking...

This way, when you see that woman that you just HAVE to go up to, you will be well-REHEARSED so you can look SMOOTH and SPONTANEOUS! And of course, the worst thing you can do to ruin the appearance of being spontaneous is to STARE AT A WOMAN for five minutes before you actually go up to her. JUST GO, IMMEDIATELY. This is very romantic for a woman, when a stranger just pops into their life like that, so the women feel it was all destiny, blah blah blah... just like in a Harlequin romance novel... and when they are in bed with you, they will be thinking "it just happened" it was beyond their control, it was fate...blah blah blah...

It's important that a woman think you are sincere, and not a psycho, or a player. However, most guys overdo this part and instead show that they are not only sincere, but guys behave as if they sincerely think they are UNWORTHY of an attractive woman. (As if somehow being attractive makes a woman more worthy inherently). You can also be TOO SMOOTH, where a woman is really into you, and you can OVERWHELM her with being SO CONFIDENT in your body language, behavior, wit and smart-assness, that she feels it would be awesome to be with you, but that you are OUT OF HER LEAGUE.

The key to showing that you are sincere, without overdoing it, is to adjust to your particular woman in front of you, to determine how confident she herself is...by her responses, etc. And you should then accordingly pepper your smart-ass/teasing style conversation with a light small talk, and also by actually LISTENING to what she is saying, without kissing her butt. In other words, by having some normal conversation. The more confident she is, the more teasing she gets, the less confident she is, the more small talk. Women are attracted to men who are in CONTROL of their lives and their emotions. So being a pessimist, or full of hate, or being a whiner or complainer is not a good idea. Droopy posture doesn't help either. Equally important is being the kind of person who is passionate about life, who ENJOYS life, who has goals in life, and has a plan, and is putting the plan into action. FOR HIMSELF, NOT IN ORDER TO PLEASE ANY WOMAN.

Now, you could LIE about yourself, but why not actually find the things you are interested and passionate about and become involved in them? Most of what holds us back is fear, and when you abandon your fears and go for your goals, it not only makes your life more enjoyable, but others become drawn toward you as well. Since the beginning, women have needed men for survival, who could endure a hostile environment laden with numerous threats and unpredictable situations.

Think about the personality of a man who thrived in such an environment- he was a go-getter, he was not a pessimist, and yet he was also not living in a FANTASY, either he knew the realities and DEALT with them. Women still are attracted to that kind of man.

 

Devone, Smile if you want a real woman who isnt a little girl you have to act like you are being cool or something. Mature women dont buy it. Sexy, mature, interested women love a nice smile on a brotha and eat it up. Dont pretend to be macho if you are not, some of us are confident without the ghetto or thuggish attitude

 

I don't mean to harp on about my man (yet again!) but confidence is a turn on. He caught my gaze at the airport and didn't break it while walking straight up to me, smiled then started talking to me. I did think "Who the hell is this?!", but I admired his style and his persistence won me over. Had he been all coy I'd probably have brushed him aside. That doesn't mean I only want King Kong, as I don't like extremes of anything. But confidence and warmth go well together.

 

Another home run for Mistress B! This woman has her thinking cap securely fastened to her noggin. Smarts, & quiet strength that shows -- these are things that get the female imagination going quicker than anything else, short of dirty cash.

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Also note the dif betw/ the guys' responses & the girls'. Guys are always with this "alpha male" stuff, which -- unless the woman is an all-out bimbo -- carries little weight... You can't fake what they're really looking for, and even if you could, you can't fake it for long. Save that alpha stuff for your dealings with other guys. Has no place for your dealings with women.

Real "alpha" can't be faked, plus, you want her to like you, not some facade that even you don't like.

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Just be secure in yourself, flirt subtlely and give her a chance to "green light" your approach. Smiling works wonders, especially if it's sincere. Start a convo about something innocuous -- believe me, she'll know why you're there, but you won't be putting her (or yourself) on the spot.

Speaking of which: don't put her on the spot. You'll get rejected even if she likes you if she thinks an audience is observing & knows what's going on... Just be casual, secure in yourself, leave her space to reject your advances without drama, or better yet encourage them...

Try to imagine that you've known her for a while & that she knows you: relax and chat her up like that, after the green light, without putting her on the spot.

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And remember Mistress B's words: "If someone is going to be attracted to you, they will be within the first moments of meeting, even if it is only on a subconscious level." If she's not attracted to you, whatever you're saying to her won't make a bit of difference.

Be genuinely interested in whatever you're talking about, and listen well to her responses...

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And flirt a lot. The more you do it, the better you'll get at it...

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Also observe the first impression. Don't let a woman reject you, then come a-runnin when she beckons you later.

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Wear decent shoes. Take care of your skin & your build. Watch your breath. Skin is a biggie, one of those things that speak directly to their subconscious eye...

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And where it comes to ww specifically, learn to gauge the type who are "whites only" vs the type who might be interested in you... What are the cues to look for? That's hard to say, but I really think one can tell. Personally, I tend to take the voice into account a lot. For example I tend to think that a ww who's really nasal is more stringent about race than women who aren't... But that's just me ....

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Also try to be funny. Women like funny. Even guys like funny: I've always thought funny women were sexy. I find pretty much all of today's ww comediennes sexy, with the exception of Ellen.

Work on your "funny" with other people in your life. Flex those funny muscles, it's an investment that pays bigtime.

Okay -- that's it for now!

 

There seems to be a bit of a difference here in the responses from the men and the women, however, both sides seem to agree on confidence being a factor, as well as optimism and persistence...

and, funny can be considered sexy to some people (men and women) but not to everyone. Not everyone likes a comedian or a joker, or has a sense of humor. Some would even mistake it for a lack of intelligence.

I'll bet that chick Mosiah wrote about, thought that he was some kind of reclusive perverted psycho. :lol: