Relationship/Life Advice

Maybe you go after what is unavailable or safe to you. Then you don't have to follow through to the end. I think lippie is on to something.

 

what the beautiful lippie& jc said gz...maybe go out on a limb and try something new and available...???

 

Maybe the reason that GZ is only attracting the women he doesn't want is because subconsciously he's not yet ready to have a committed relationship. Sometimes it takes people a long time to get over a broken heart. Not sure if that's the case with you, GZ, but it's maybe something to consider.

 

good point joan. i think we've all been guilty of that at some point in our lives.

 

Oh MY!!!! How did I miss this!!!???
Evidently GZ turned me down in his reply but FG say, be careful Lippy or FG will fly to YOU!!!! I think that was extremely sweet!!!
:smt049:smt049:smt049
I tried to give you rep but the darn system wont let me yet:-(

 

lippy would have needed to be living under a rock not to see the chemistry between you two...but that was when you were in a committed relationship with east coast man and not available:smt115 hmmmmmm, mystery solved

 

Oh no! Did I miss something?! Are you ok FG???

 

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! look at that!!! Lippy is not only gorgeous but very very smart and observant! I didnt even think about that.

Im fine lovely, dont worry.
I have been accused of being very unsentimental - not true, I just refuse to live in the past. I dont dwell on woulda shoulda coulda.
I had a pity party and then I got rid of everything related to him.
Ill send you a note on FB in a bit.

 

Oh my!! I am sorry

 

Where is my invitation to that pity party? How come this miserable fuck did get an invitation? Oh oh, I forgot it's in the mail

 

yea yea.. and so is your rsvp too I guess
:smt081

 

Just wanted to update because I have a few pending questions. Sorry for the delay! I'm just...well, on a much needed vacation right now. lol Spending Christmas in Dallas with my baby and his mom. It may be that I don't get to answer anything until I'm back in Houston. I apologize and will get to the answers asap!

 

Based upon several recent conversations with men, I have noted a commonality that I find confusing. Despite being very upfront about not seeking a long-term relationship, nor being interested in hooking up for sex only, they all constantly talk as if that's the only thing I would want.

They also implied that the only reason a white woman would participate in an interracial forum is to find a man. They differ on what they think she wants to do with the man once found, some thinks it's always about sex and others think it's the search for a husband, but they are all in agreement that it's a search for something more than platonic friendship.

Thinking I had somehow managed to find a few men who all shared the same distorted POV, I asked a male friend about this and much to my shock he actually agreed with them. His words were: "If a woman tells you she has no expectations of anything beyond casual conversation and friendship, there's something wrong with her. All men think all woman are looking for "the one", or no strings attached sex, there is nothing in between. If they're not then they're either lying, or deluded. Men don't want friends, we have those, we want sex and at some point most of us want to settle down."

Now I get that sex is a huge draw, I happen to like it a lot, but it's not the first thing I think of when I meet someone. Maybe I'm just naive to think that it's not the primary motivating factor in every conversation a person has with the opposite sex? So my questions to you are:

Is the end game for a man always going to be about sex? If so then casual conversation really is impossible with a man, so what's the point? If any man you speak to is either thinking you are lonely, horny, or damaged, why bother with any of them?

Sincerely,
Ms. Disillusioned


Dear Ms. Disillusioned

First of all, dear, I must apologise for the delay in my response. The holidays cause us to be lazy, sometimes, and a combination of taking my much needed vacation and being busier than I'd expected during the times I wasn't relaxing caused me to neglect my emails.

Carrying on to your question(s), of course I must state, as usual, that this is in no way the thinking of -all- men. However, it does seem to be a common thought pattern amongst a great deal of them.

I personally have had many, many male friends, as women I can connect with without drama (on their part) seem to be few and far between. This has afforded me a great deal of insight into the male mind, thanks to many late night conversations.

A lot of men do seem to think that in order to be talking to them you must be interested in something other than friendship...at least the men who typically stick to all-male social groups. I think this is due to their lack of female platonic companions, because in men that have at least one, or more, female friends this thought process seems lessened. Those with experience in platonic relationships with women seem less likely to make assumptions, though they still do at times.

Sometimes I'd say it's simple ego, or projection. The man in this situation may simply be of the mindset that he's god's gift and that all women would only be interested in him for sexual reasons. Or they may -want- women to be interested in them for these reasons and assume that the woman must be interested because their desire has convinced them it must be true, just as in the situation with cheaters who assume their partner is cheating. Having the thoughts so clearly in their mind can cause one to believe the same of others without even realizing it.

There is also the issue of women behaving this way, as well. This aspect cannot be discounted, because I've also witnessed many women who only interact with men on a sexual interest. There are also plenty of women who are extremely flirtatious, regardless of their actual interest in their target, and both types can easily convince people who are prone to generalizations that all women would only be interested in sex or a relationship when conversing with men.

On another level we must discuss attraction. When you are attractive to someone of the opposite sex it is obviously harder to have a friendship with them, because the attraction overpowers reason. I'd say that chances are if none of the things I mentioned before are to blame, then the men you've talked to are attracted to you. Based on my own experiences with trying to have friendships with men who were attracted to me, if became painfully obvious very quickly that it was impossible. The merest discussion of anything non-sex related seemed to translate into "She wants me!!!!" to them, despite my clear and verbal explanation that I was not interested. In the end, their attraction to me made it completely impossible to have any form of platonic relationship with them because the attraction had them convinced that if I spoke to them I was lying and was actually interested. One man even accused me of "toying" with him, despite my many open and honest conversations with him concerning my lack of interest in anything but a friendship. I was single, he was single, so he assumed that since he liked me it meant I wanted to sleep with him or have a relationship and that I was only playing hard to get. It was the furthest thing from the truth, but that's how he saw it, regardless of my telling him contrary.

I certainly don't believe all men feel this way, because, as I've said, I've had a lot of great male friends. And to many I would have been attractive to them had we not entered into our friendships with only that in mind.

It helps when you are in a relationship, but not much. Even then some men will assume you are looking for sex...even if you don't act like it.

It's not something you can really fix, it's just flawed thinking on the part of some people. I'm sure you've done everything a person of your intelligence could to try and explain to these people that they're wrong in their assumptions, so sadly I have no advice as to what to do involving them. I would suggest not to bother once it becomes apparent that whichever man you are conversing with at the time believes you're only looking for sex or a relationship, because quite often those with that mindset won't be convinced otherwise. But that is just what I would do, as it gets tiring dealing with those type of people.

Sometimes we really are from different planets, it seems. But, trust that there -are- men out there who don't think like this. They just get hard to find sometimes. Especially among the older crowd of men who were more exposed to misogynist thinking growing up. -Especially- concerning women over a certain age, because, of course, no woman in her right mind would elect to be single over 30 unless she a) can't get a man, so therefor must be flawed, b) is only looking for casual sex, or c) is only pretending to fight off deadbeats and seekers of casual sex, and really wants to find a man to protect her.

Love,

Nikki

 

Dear lost,

I will answer your questions as you have asked them, so let's start with the first one.

This is something that changes depending on the people involved. What one person views as an adequate time table may be the exact opposite of what another thinks. In the end, I believe it's just something you have to discuss. If you are dating someone and you feel it's time to become exclusive then mention it. Their reaction will tell you if they feel the same or not.

It could mean that's he's keeping his options open, or it could also mean that he's just in the habit of checking that website. Again, it's something you should ask him about. Just bring it up. If he's seeing you every weekend then common sense would dictate that he's interested in you, but based on my own experiences common sense doesn't seem to matter in dating. Conversation is the cure. You can't always be guaranteed to get a truthful response from people, but at least you tried, and it let's others know how you're feeling. If he is only using you as someone to pass the time until he finds someone else then you aren't doing yourself any favors waiting around for him to move on, so let him know what's on your mind. Don't be overly combative about it, though. Just bring it up in a calm, conversational tone and hopefully he'll respond to that.

No one is too pretty to be a booty call. His actions of calling you speak that he's interested beyond just sex, but if I were in the situation I'd probably be perturbed by all the staying in. That's just me, however. I'd get bored of that quickly and question it, but if you are the type of person who prefers low key "dates" like this then it could just be mutual interest in the activity.

I'll say it again, though. Talk to him. Google, your friends, and I all have one major thing in common: we aren't him. The only person who can truly answer your questions is him, because he's the only one with the real answers. If it's a relationship worthy of your time then discussing your questions won't end it. If bringing any of this up causes negative responses then it could be that your fears are well founded and he's just using you. Regardless, you should know, and the only way you will is if you talk to him about it.

When you do talk to him, pay attention to your gut. Does your intuition tell you that his answers are truthful, or do you feel something is wrong that isn't related to a worry about rejection? Sometimes we mistake a gut feeling for our own worries, but conversely sometimes we rationalize intuition as a self esteem issue when it's actually not.

Knowing the man myself would prove helpful in hypothesizing on his intentions, honesty, etc, but that's rather impossible. I can only guess, which is why I stress talking to him about it. Talking doesn't always work, though, because many people are gifted in lying. I don't want you going into this with him condemned as a liar from the get go, though, because that's not always the case. He could just like taking things slowly and just happens to like going on the dating site. But again, he could also just be using you as someone to bide his time with.

I hope, for your sake, that regardless of his intentions with you he is honest about it when you discuss it. Don't get upset, don't accuse him of anything, just converse politely. Let him know that these are the things you've been thinking about, and you feel that it needs to be discussed before anything can progress further. You need to know if you are exclusive because, if you aren't, you'd like to be. If he doesn't feel that he's ready to be exclusive with you then you need to know so you can keep your options open as well. If you both decide to continue seeing each other yet not consider yourselves in a relationship it's something that needs to be clear or else someone will end up getting hurt.


Hopefully it goes well for you, but if not, there are plenty of nice men out there and I'm sure you'll find a great one for you eventually.

I must mention that my brain is moving a bit slowly today as compared to usual so if I didn't answer your questions well enough feel free to send me another email and we'll continue to discuss the topic(s).

Love,

Nikki

 

Just as a reminder, asksweetnikki@gmail.com is where you can send in questions and I'll answer them both by email and on here. Don't be embarrassed, I don't share email addresses and I won't attach your name to your question.