Question for the ladies

Ladies, I've a question. Brothers, you can chime in as well.

I was out with a good friend this weekend for lunch. We've not seen one another in a little while, so this was about getting caught up with each other.

She tells me that there's a man who she really likes, but she doesn't know if she will continue to see him because he does not spend any time with his child. I asked her if she knew why and she told me that he told her, that he used to spend a great deal of time, but got tired of he and the mother fighting, tired of fighting the child because the mother spoke ill of him to the child and that he had a heart attack at 39 years old - he's now 43. He also told her that the child's mother often did not make the child available on his weekends, etc. According to my homegirl, child support money is not an issue. By the way, my homegirl does not have any children of her own, but is close to her brothers two children. Her brother is divorced and has similar problems with his ex-wife. The last man that I've known her to be involved with in any serious way, she ended that relationship because of "baby momma drama" between the man and the mother of his two children.

I told her that she needs to answer one question:

1- Is she willing to date men with children? Because if she is, unfortunately some element of drama often (not always) accompanies a man with children who is no longer married to, or never married the mother (s) of his child (ren).

Ladies of WWBM how do you handle the issues of "baby momma drama" with your man or the man you're interested in?

Have you had a man who told you what this man told her regarding why he does not see his child (ren)? How did you feel towards the man after he made the statement?

This has been on my mind since Saturday. Not looking for contention, but honesty since these situations are a sad reality of our times. Perhaps in this conversation, we can all learn something about navigating these situations.

 

Relationships are hard enough, without the added stresses and dramas of interactions between ourselves and our significant other's co-parent.

At times, there will be conflicts and strong personalities we may encounter. I do my best to stay out of those relationships unless I'm invited (or forced) into a particular situation. Their children are their business. I would be hopeful that both parents had their children's best interest at heart at all times.

I don't believe there is ever an acceptable time to take a passive role in your child's life, regardless the relationship with the other parent. There should always be a middle ground and I do not deal with anyone who cannot find that middle ground and do what's best for their child. It's never ok to just settle merely for the sake of saving yourself the stresses of dealing with the other parent.

I did date a guy that had a very severed relationship w his children's mother. She was drama in all caps. After a while, I couldn't deal anymore. Feel sorry for the guy, but in reality, he allowed her to push him into this corner and he gives in for the sake of sparing the stress of dealing with her constant drama. It hurts the kids sometimes, and I hated being a witness to those awkward and very private moments.

 

The fact that some women use their children as pawns in some vengeful way to 'get back' at the father is nauseating. If a man told me what your friend was told, I'd honestly encourage him to keep trying to visit his child. As a product of divorce, I know all too well what it's like to have a father who gave up because mom was a bitch. Kids remember that shit. As a father he should want a relationship bad enough that it's worth the fight. I'd never cut out my kids because of their father. That attitude just doesn't bode well with me.

As for the drama...I stay clear of it. I may offer my thoughts (if asked) in private with my bf, but never with the ex. Their history doesn't include me, so I don't feel it's my place to insert myself into it. I wouldn't be cool with my bf just cutting out the kids though because "it wasn't worth the fight". They're your kids!! IMO, that says something about that mans character, and it's not pretty.

There is NOTHING sexier than a great daddy. I want my man to fight for what's important to him, and if he can't fight for time with his own flesh and blood...that's a huge red flag for me.

 

Good answers ladies.

I did tell her to not get involved as, except maybe support and encouragement, but he has to make the decision. I think the fight for this guy should be in the courts at this point (assuming he can afford it) as it seems he and the mother can get nothing accomplished together.

As for the heart attack part, if that is true - all the more reason to get an attorney and put it in the court and have someone fight the battle for and alongside him and have that person to help him dodge some of the stress.

 

I've been on the front line of this since 1998 the woman sounds a awful like my ex, time didnt help my cause lol

 

Men are so pathetic these days, dudes will camp out for the latest Jordan's, iphones, videogames, jump thru hoops for pussy but stop seeing their seeds for a temporary peace of mind.

 

I don't do any of that shit. Jordan's, I'll get them when I have time. Phones/games are right with the J's. Pussy comes to me, no need for the hoops.

 

Be easy brothers.

Some men will sacrifice for Jordan's, I-phones, etc., but that's not everyone. Just as some women spend child support money on themselves and paying their personal expenses.

I do think everyone deserves peace of mind. A person cannot effectively parent a child without peace of mind. Perhaps this is why our young people are all screwed up now. Who amongst us would deny that many of todays young people were raised by psychologically unstable people? The effects of that are painfully obvious.

The best course of action for this guy is to take this woman to court, but that costs money. When I was in a similar situation, it was $5,000 just to get started with an attorney. Everyone doesn't have the means to do that. Does that make them an irresponsible parent? Family law exists because often times people can't work these things out on their own and need the courts, but going to court costs money - lots of it.

 

true but lets look at it in a 360 degree view. why should a dude catch hell everytime he go see his child?

 

The man you spoke of is certainly not an "irresponsible parent" because he lacks the funds to hire an attorney. I know here in San Diego we have a few different agencies that will represent mothers/fathers free of charge, or for lesser rates depending on that persons income. $5,000 is a ridiculous amount of money to spend, simply trying to get visitation/custody rights to your own flesh and blood. However, people need to be resourceful and understand that just because Plan A doesn't work out, doesn't mean you give up on the end goal. As the mother of two little ones, if I couldn't afford standard legal fees, you could bet your ass I'd be researching every possible alternative until I found a solution. IMO, there's never a valid excuse to flake on your kids.

 

$5,000 is a ridiculous amount of money, but I was not leaving anything to chance and if I didn't spend it, I wouldn't have a relationship with my daughter. American courts are no where for BM to take chances with anything. I doubt I would've qualified for any income based legal service. My attorney handled a divorce for a friend of mine that was messed up by another attorney. She straightened out the other attorneys mess and then opened a can of whoop (you know what). In a situation like that, a referral from a satisfied client is priceless.

When it was all said and done, the foolishness ended for him and that's what I wanted for myself - and the foolishness ended.

As for my homegirls friend, I don't know his financial situation as it might relate to legal aid, etc. I hope he takes it to court. Being a heart attack survivor, he needs to distance himself as much as he can from the stress that would come from dealing with the mother and the courts allow for that. I know from experience that litigation can be extremely stressful. When I was going through it, I made it a point to speak to my attorney ONLY after an intense workout when my body was completely de-stressed from the workout which helped me to stay focused and calm.

 

Good question. Hurt people - hurt people. A lot of peoples hurt goes back to their own unaddressed childhood problems - often caused by parents.

 

women dont think at all. people dont think. you got women who give men hell about seeing their kids and then run around telling people he is not seeing his kids. then they want to scream the single momma shit.

the next stupid thing is if the dude is able to take em to court then they spend a large amounts of cash and time for something the dude is going to get...visitations. that is soooo stupid. most men get their visitations so why spend the money trying to keep him away when he is gonna get it? why bring so much grief on yourself?

what men need to do is try as fast as possible to get the legal process going and have her put in jail for contempt of court for not allowing visistations

 

Exactly. I've never understood women trying to keep men away from their kids...that's some spiteful shit.

 

Family law has got to be the most difficult profession to be in, the system is seriously flawed, but the problem I feel isn't fixable. I meet a young father going thru it only advise I give is joint custody is the easiest way to make sure your rights are never trampled on

June 1 2015 has been on my radar since the spring of 1998, for a man that loves his kids provided the entire time to look at the age out day of your last kid the same way a inmate looks to their go jome date pretty much tells you how awful this system is, I get asked all the time on June 2 2015 what happens, as far as my ex who gives a flying fuck cuz I don't, my kids? That I don't know

 

for the most part in the end they really only hurting themselves.