Opinions wanted on attending the funeral of an ex

My ex-boyfriend died in a fire this past weekend. Even though we haven't been together in 13 years, I still cared about him and his well-being. It just wasn't meant for us to be together. We were both very young. His family was always very cordial to me and they told me that they thought I was a good person; however, his mother and aunts told me that they had a problem with me being white and that they would never approve of the relationship. I didn't really blame them for that because at the time they had a nephew that was dating a white girl and when she became pregnant, her parents made her lie and say that she was raped and he was convicted and sent to prison. They were just trying to protect him, and I know that so I didn't take it personally. We stayed together for almost 2 years.

I've told you all this just to ask this question...should I attend the funeral?? I would like to pay my respects, but at the same time, I don't want to upset the family. They have been through enough with this unexpected tragedy, and I don't want to add to it. I would appreciate any advice that you all might have.

 

I once knew a girl who called in a bomb-threat to her ex-boyfriend's funeral, my guess is that she hated his guts.

As for your situation, since you obviously still had a place in your heart for him even though you were no longer together then it wouldn't hurt to pay respects. Just try to stay below everyone's perspective radar and sit in the back.

If you do have a gut feeling that you shouldn't go since many of them weren't too fond of you, it would be wise to send a sympathy card to his family. I wouldn't want to hear about a fight jumping off at a funeral somewhere in Kentucky.

 

I agree. Stay below the radar, but if you want to pay your respects, which it sounds like you do, then by all means, it's been 13 years, time has a way of taking care of some things. They may appreciate seeing you there, knowing that even after all of this time, you still cared about him.

When you say funeral, do you mean the actual funeral or is there a wake/memorial service before the funeral? I would suggest going to that, instead of the funeral, if that is an option.

But, like Tony said, if you feel there might be problems if you show up, then send a sympathy card. At least you'll know that the family will be aware that you still cared for him.

 

The South is fucked.

Skip the funeral and visit his grave.

 

You were kids then, but your an adult now.

I say go to the funeral if thats what you want to do. If you go and are respectful of his family and to his memory, I dont see the harm. And if his family makes an ass of themselves (which I doubt they will) I think it say volumes about what type of people they are as opposed to anything negative about you.

 

Thanks everyone for your input. My hesitation isn't because I think that the family will be ugly or cause a scene. I just don't want to be disrespectful to them. He is their blood, and he was only a part of my life for a couple of years, but I don't want to act like he didn't mean anything to me either.

Bookworm, I just found out today that they are going to do a visitation/memorial two hours before the actual funeral. So, I may take your advice and go to that instead. One of our mutual friends has sent an email asking me to go with him to the funeral. I plan to talk to him tonight and get his input on the situation since he is friends with the family, too.

Tony...a bomb threat, huh?? That's some real hate there. :evil:

 

I was expecting this comment at some point and almost removed my location before posting this thread. Please do not judge a whole group of people because of what a few ignorant people do. I'm sure that you don't want to be judged by what every black person does, and I don't want to be judged by what every white person does. Unfortunately, ignorance and hatred are everywhere, not just in the South.

 

Tony Soprano, Bookworm and Jellybird hit head on the nail. Go! Period.

 

GirlieGirl74,some of the brothers said some things about the South is because it has a very long history of intolerance towards black men dating and marrying white women since the region's beginning. It was a obsession of the white men to the point of being extremely sadistic. Even though that it happens in other areas in the country and things had changed,such incidences rear its ugly head.

 

Thanks, newpowermoves. I appreciate your input.

 

I totally understand why people feel the way they do about the South. It's not a heritage that I'm proud of. This just happens to be where I was born and raised. I have dated BM since I was 18 (I'm 34 now), and fortunately, I have never experienced any backlash or hatred from white people because of it. I also have never had any problems with the WM that I have dated when I told them that I date IR as well. Maybe, my case is the exception to the rule. I would like to think that it's not and that we're making progress.

Soulthinker, do you think that I'm being naive in my perception of the South?? I would love to hear your opinion.

 

I say go. Just because they did not approve of your romantic relationship does not mean that they would not appreciate the fact the he meant something to you.
My brother died 3 years ago and I was touched by every person who came to pay their respects.

Sometimes a romantic relationship is just too much for some people to handle but it does not mean that they would be upset to you being there. You might be surprised by the reaction you get.
Pay your respects for you.

 

Let's not forget Yusef Hawkins... :idea: :roll:

 

by Jennifer Marino


It is 10:30 on a Saturday night and groups of young bar hoppers begin to flash their ID’s at a popular Bay Ridge bar/club. They are the regulars, the Italian Bensonhurst teens who come back weekend after weekend to socialize and flirt.

The girls, in their flare jeans, tight shirts, chunky boots and little black bags, look like they’ve just stepped out of Contempo Casuals. Their long, curly dark hair is stiff with hair spray; their make-up, flawless, and their fingers, circled in flashy gold rings. Some stand shyly in the corner while others head straight to the dance floor, jeering at each other in fierce competition.

The guys – modern versions of Danny Zuko and company in "Grease" – wear sweaters from Structure, baggy jeans and black boots underneath leather coats or bubble jackets. Large gold or silver chains surround their necks, and they wear their hair short, stiffly gelled or pushed back and spiky.

By midnight, they and their clones have packed the place, elbowing their way past each other to greet their friends. They give each other "pounds" or kisses on the cheek. The DJ pumps hip-hop and reggae – popular African-American musical genres – and the crowd goes ballistic. But there is not one black person in sight.

"Black people? No. They’d never come in here," says Jessica S., 18. "In here we all know each other and we’re all from the same neighborhood," meaning Bensonhurst. "If a black kid came in here, he would probably leave right away because the guys would abuse him."

Sammy G., 18, agrees with Jessica, although he insists that he himself is not racist. "If me and my boys went to a club in Harlem, we’d probably get shot," he says. "That’s why we stay here and they (blacks) stay there. We don’t belong there, and they don’t belong here. That’s the bottom line."

So why, then, does the music "belong" in the club?

"Their music is phat," says Anthony L., 19. "But that doesn’t mean we want to chill with them." He scowls when reminded that the slang word "phat," as well as his baggy clothing style, originated among blacks.

The statements made by these teens are a sharp reminder that although racism has seemed to improve in the mostly Italian neighborhood of Bensonhurst since the murder of Yusuf Hawkins almost 11 years ago, the feelings of prejudice are just under the surface in many young people.

On the night of August 23, 1989, 16-year-old Hawkins and three friends came to the neighborhood to look at a used car. About 30 white youths carrying bats and sticks (one with a gun) immediately approached them. The white kids were furious that the ex-girlfriend of one of the group members had invited minorities to her 18th birthday party. They thought that Hawkins and his friends were there for the party and attacked them, shooting Hawkins dead.

The incident sparked outrage among blacks who came to the neighborhood to protest, met with chants of "Useless, Useless" (a play on the name "Yusuf") and racial epithets from residents. One person spat in the face of Hawkins’ father, Moses Stewart.

In 1991, a Bensonhurst man stabbed the Rev. Al Sharpton as he led a march through the neighborhood to protest the killing. Undaunted, he led another march on June 6, 1998 in outrage over the release of Keith Mondello, one of the attackers, and faced jeers and catcalls.

The most recent indication of continued racial tension in the neighborhood came in February 1999, when a Bensonhurst teenager handed a KKK flier to a reporter. The flier received attention in various newspapers, including the New York Times.

Although many immigrant groups – such as Russians, Asians, Greeks, and Arabs – have been moving to Bensonhurst since the 1980s, the neighborhood is still predominantly Italian. According to Community Board No. 11, which encompasses Bensonhurst, Mapleton, Bath Beach, and Gravesend, the ethnic make-up is approximately 65 percent Italian, 25 percent Jewish, 8 percent Asian, and only 2 percent Black and Hispanic.

Because of these statistics, the sight of a black person will often catch the attention of a white resident.

"Who’s this n----- walking up my block?" Sal F., 20, asks his group of eight friends, motioning to a black teen walking by himself across the street.

"I don’t know, but I saw three n------ on bikes on 18th Avenue before," his friend replies. Threateningly, he adds, "Let me see them pass by again…"

Though reactions like these are common, Police Officer Guy Stabile insists that there is very little racial crime in the neighborhood. Though he is from a different precinct, he is on the same radio frequency as the 62nd. Even before he became a cop, he says, there was "never much going on" when it came to racism.

"Kids fight because they want to fight, not because of black and white," he says.

Michael C., 22, a life-long black resident of Bensonhurst, says that although he often feels out of place in the neighborhood, he has never been afraid of getting beaten up. "Sometimes when I walk by a big group of (white) guys, they’ll stare and say shit and try to provoke me," he says. "I just keep my temper calm, because this is the only way to avoid trouble."

Carl N., 18, another black resident, has also never had a problem with violence because of his race. He hangs out with the Italian kids he grew up with. "When we get into fights with other guys, that’s when I am targeted…the other guys go for me first," he says. "But other than that, things have been cool."

Sal F. blames the lack of racial violence on cases like that of Yusuf Hawkins, and on the work of Al Sharpton.

"We don’t fight with black kids because it would give (Sharpton) another excuse to make a big scene in the media and to start a war with the white people," he says. "If black kids beat up a white kid, you don’t see that all over the news. But if white kids beat up a black kid, it all of a sudden makes (whites) the lesser race."


Different part of the country...same s***. :roll:

 

That sounds good. You could start at the memorial service and gauge the reception of your presence and then continue on to the funeral, if that's what you want to do.

I'm sure they'll appreciate you coming, knowing that even after all this time, you still care about him.

 

Girlygirl74,you are not naive. I live in the South myself in North Carolina. While my state is not as ferocious like South Carolina,Mississippi,Alabama,or Georgia it was tough on interracial couples. Since the Loving verdict 40 years ago last year,things had changed in the South to the point of no hassles by white men. It's just that there are some pockets of narrow minded folks who want to run another person's life. In that imaginary world of there's they want this world to be like it was in the past.

 

I'm really sorry to hear about your brother. I can't imagine what that must be like. I lost my grandmother 2 weeks ago, and I had friends that I hadn't seen in years come and it meant so much to me that they took time out of their busy lives to show their support and respect. I guess that is all still fresh on my mind and that is why I feel a need to go. I appreciate you taking the time to comment and welcome to the Boards.

 

ChosenOne, I'm not sure if your reply was to prove that ignorance and hatred are everywhere or that I'm naive in thinking that race relations are better...I have a feeling that it was a little bit of both. I don't want anyone to think that I'm naive enough to believe that we are where we need to be with regards to racism. I know that there is still a long way to go. I also know that I've been blessed to have dated BM for as long as I have and not experience any hatred from it. I'm very thankful for that, and I wish that everyone could be so blessed.

Bookworm, my friend thinks that I'm crazy for even worrying about it. I'm making plans to go and planning on keeping a low profile. This isn't about me...it's about him and the life he lived.

 

I thought that I remembered reading in one of your posts that you were from NC and that's why I specifically asked for your opinion. It's still beyond me while people care so much about who you date. I did have my email showing when I posted until I read something from the webmaster where he was discussing that when you show your email that there is a chance of receiving emails from hate groups. I couldn't believe that had ever been an issue. Who has that much time and energy to do that????!!!!! I just don't get it. I don't have time for people like that. Thanks for the reply, Soulthinker.

 

I'm with everyone else. Go. Though if you're still worried, maybe call someone in the family and double check. It's probably what I would do if it were me in the situation, so if you worry way too much like me maybe just drop them a line ahead of time and let them know you're planning on attending.