Need Some Help!!!

I work with a white woman I've been attracted to for a while now. The last couple of years we've flirted via email and some of the talk has been racy. Finally about a month ago, when we were walking by ourselves and chatting, I told her that I was attracted to her. Problem is, we are both in long term relationships. When I asked her if she was attracted to me, she said that since she's married, she tries to never think about it. She then said that she didn't hold it against me because I'm a man and that's our nature. Since then, I've kept my distance but we still email each other once in a while. Usually, she initiates the conversation and it's mostly friendly in general.

She came into my office today and we chatted and she crossed her legs and we were having a work related conversation but with a lot of eye contact. I asked her if she wanted me to walk her to her car and she declined.

I'm one confused brotha. Is she playing me and just wanting some attention or does she want me to go for it. Is she just having innocent fun?What signals should I look for to proceed? Ladies, I especially want to hear your take on this, because I've been out of the game for a while. Holla at ya boy!

 

This isn't attraction. This is lust. And you're willing to fuck up a long-term relationship over a piece of new ass? (Well, you've already done that ... and for quite a while I might add ... I'll explain soon).

No, she isn't playing you -- YOU are!

You should be confused, because what you're doing is wrong and disrespectful toward your long-term mate. If you no longer want your woman, you need to be a man and break things off with your girl, so she can move on with her life.

The same goes for your co-worker. You think flirting while in a relationship is innocent? Well, it's not. It's just as a bad as you fucking her, or doing anything with sexual undertones. Flirting is one.

You're heading down the wrong path, son. The WRONG path. Do NOT drag your lady along, because BELIEVE this:

What you do WILL come BACK to HAUNT you.

Finally, imagine your woman being in the position as yourself. Would you enjoy knowing that she's seeking advice about a man she's attracted to? Committed relationships are bi-directional -- your actions remind me of a majority of women in North America: Selfish and inconsiderate, and "When can I get my cake, and eat it too?!?"

You should go shopping soon with your girlfriend. Tell her you want the pinkest dress you can find. And when she looks puzzled, tell her:

"Because I'm not a real man."

 

Ughh, thanks cuz for the insight. I'll be sure to take your rant, I mean your comments under consideration.

Anyone else care to give me some real insight as to how I should handle this?

 

I have to agree with Ron. I think flirting can be innocent, but if you care anything about the woman with whom you have a long-term relationship, you should take a step back. This woman has given you all the signs you need by telling you that "since she's married, she tries not to think about it." I think you are reading too much into her crossing her legs and looking you in the eye. I interact with many women daily and most of them often cross their legs when they sit and make eye contact when they speak to me. Even if what's going on between you and this woman is something more, you need to think about your mate. If you no longer have feelings for her, do like Ron says and be honest with her and break things off if you can't work it out(that doesn't mean the door is open for you to start something with your co-worker). Continue to maintain your distance from the co-worker. If she appears to cross the line, let her know. Listen to the man upstairs not the Brotha below the waist.

Remember,being attracted to someone does not always give you license to "explore the possibilities" especially if you are involved with someone else. Be a man about it and be honest with everyone. Since nothing has transpired between you and this office woman, maybe it will strengthen your relationship with your woman.

 

Here's a woman's take:

It sounds to me like she may be as confused as you are. The hot/cold thing--seems interested one minute, then declines when pressed--tells me that. However, that said, the fact that she has turned you down whenever you've attempted to move the relationship forward--is a pretty clear signal she does not want your flirting to move ahead.

Secondly, I don't know this woman's personality, but it is *highly likely* that she simply enjoys the attention you give her, but has no intention of acting on anything. A lot of women crave the positive, affirming vibes they get from this type of male attention (who doesn't want to be wanted?), but she just wants to bask in the glow of sunshine you throw her way--not necessarily sleep with you. She may find herself physically attracted to/intrigued by you, but is simply enjoying the 'innocent' flirting and it will not go any further than that.

The fact that both of you are in long-term relationships is also a big problem. Ronald already spelled that out for you so I won't duplicate the message! Is giving into a potential lust situation worth it, ruining her marraige and violating your relationship as well?

It sounds like the fact that you work together and have to see her every day is fueling this situation by mere proximity...if you weren't thrown together by work and didn't see her so often, do you think you'd be as interested? Think about it.
Just because she always initiates contact doesn't mean you always have to respond to it. Maybe cut back on the communication and personal visits and see if the situation cools down on its own.

 

Air Jordan,

I would just let this one die a slow and quiet death.
There are people both men and women that flirt for nothing more than the attention that comes with it.
One real thing to keep in mind is you work with her and I've seen a number of people jobless because of e-mails and one party pushing too far because they were not understanding the game.
And it is a game.

I hope that helps....

 

Hi

I think the fact that she is a married lady and you are in a long-term relationship is enough reason to forget about her.
I agree with marieSF that as a woman she's surely enjoying the attention but that's all.
And by the way, I sit cross legged often not meaning anything by it.

 

Spindip, Designer, MarieSF and Madel I want to thank you for your commnets. They were a real reality check and I'm going to take your advice. I've never been in this type of situation before and a part of me really wanted to react. I guess I do need to evaluate my relationship and not do anything crazy.

To be honest with you all, I'm currently seeking other employment to remove myself from the situation. But dealing with this has been tough. Maybe it's me that enjoys some extra attention as well. Once again, thanks for your sensitiv, yet honest feedback. I appreciate it.

 

I'm warning you. Don't mess with another man's wife.

 

Honestly, Ronald might have been "ranting" but he's absolutely right. The truth can be a hard pill to swallow but you're going to have to eventually. I'd tell you the same thing and in your own interest, stay away from another man's wife as whatever you do shall haunt you, whether good or bad.

 

He was right, and along with what marieSF and designer added, it's an open and shut case. I decided not to get too involved with this discussion here.

 

I'm not saying that what Ronald said wasn't accurate in some respects, but we all have our weak points. He just went over the line telling me to pick out a dress and that bull****.

The young lady I was referring to has emailed me twice already today and I have not responded to the last one. I hear what everybody is saying. I don't want to ruin lives but I was being real about what I was feeling. I'm trying to walk away from it.

 

^^^ That's cool.
It is hard to open up and be real sometimes because there are some people that get off on shooting down others - So I understand you there.

I think 99.9% of the regulars here are cool and try to be helpful but we have different ways of communicating and that will/can cause misunderstandings.

Then sometimes people are just jerks....

 

Hi air jordan and welcome to the site.

The situation you are in is a crappy one.
I agree with what most have said here... you need to forget about her.

However, I also think that you need to reflect on is why you developped feelings for her. Was it just physical or was it emotional as well? If it was an emotional attraction then you need to ask yourself what did she bring to you that you are not getting with your partner? You may need to have a look at your relationship.

Just my 2 cents.
Good luck with all this.

 

Don't mess with no females at the job.

Air, if you like your job, I wouldn't mess with no ladies at the workplace. It is too much action outside of the job to risk losing your job. Believe me most office romances usually turn sour eventually.

 

I agree with you here. I don't think that was necessary, but I wouldn't worry about it.

Good.

 

Proverbs Chapter 6 Verse 27-35: Can you carry fire against your chest without burning your clothes? Can you walk on hot coals without burning your feet?It is just as dangerous as sleeping with another man's wife. Whoever does it will suffer. People do not despise a thief if he steals food when he is hungry, yet if he is caught, he must pay back seven times more - he must give up everything he owns.But a man who commits adultery hasn't any sense. He is just destroying himself. He will be dishonored and beaten up; he will be permanently disgraced. A husband is never angrier than when he is jealous; his revenge knows no limits. He will not accept any payment; no amount of gifts will satisfy his anger.

 

Here is my take..

Yes she is attracted to you..You already knew that..

and she obviously fantasizes about being with you.. but she's drawn a line.. she doesn't want to cross..

She's enjoying the fact you are both attracted to each other and likes the attention you give her, but she has no plans to do anything to mess up her marriage.


oh yeah.. and the cardinal rule.. don't have sex with someone at work is always smart to stick by. I do.. no matter how tempting and handsome and how much I really want to be with a guy at work is!!

 

Thanks for your take on things. I'm decided to leave it alone. It's not worth it. With that being said, I'm not going to tempt myself by hanging around her either.

 

As a married-now sperated woman who hd an affair take my advice and run. I don't regret my affair because it showed me how flawed mt marraige is. However, affairs always end, and the hardest thing about it is that unlike a regular break up you can't lean on others for support because it was a hidden relationship