Married Names vs Maiden Names

Ohh really!

 

Really.

 

I did take my ex husbands name due to pressure and couldn't wait to go back to my maiden name. I would never change my name again. I was given this name when I was born and will keep it until die.

Now if the man I chose to marry wanted to take my name, well that's okay by me

 

And why should she, pray tell?

I'm nearly 31, have a couple degrees in my name, working towards a PhD, in my current name, and have developed a professional reputation with my current name. Why does marriage require that I strip my identity to fit some antiquated notion of ownership?

 

Even though I feel differently about the subject, I agree that there's nothing that says a woman has to take her husband's name. Many celebrities are still known by their maiden names for professional reasons (although the marriage certificate may read differently, idk.)

Huntress, just a curiosity question: What if you were getting married to a great guy (obviously he'd be great or you wouldn't be marrying him), but it was important to him (for whatever reason) that you take his last name. Would that change anything for you? Would you consider it? Or, perhaps, hyphenate your name or identifty yourself with both names? No judgement here, I'm just curious.

 

Well, I'm asking him because he's so adamant that a woman had to take a mans name. Why, i wonder? Tradition?

Truthfully, any man I consider marrying wouldn't have the name issue, because we'd talk about it early enough that we'd get it out of the way. The guy I'm seeing now, for example, could care less about that sort of thing. Marriage doesn't change who I am simply because we joined forces. I think a ring is enough, as is introducing each other as husband and wife. I'm surrounded by happily married women who never changed their names. I think once you've established yourself, people should respect that. Of he wants us to share names so badly, he's free to change his.

 

So why not take her name? What makes your name superior to hers? I'm honestly asking here. Why is that tradition so important? Do you also think that a man should make all of the decisions in a marriage? That a woman should submit to her husband?

And, I hate to break it to you....i know more married women who didn't change their names than those that did, so watch your assumptions. You know what they say about assumptions.... Don't show your ass all over the place cause you got butt hurt from the women here calling you out.

 

I kinda thought that as I was writing my question, but thought I'd ask anyway. Lol at your last line.

 

Just curious, in an earlier post you mention that you think the ring would be enough, rings are just another tradition, especially engagement rings that traditionally only the man is required to buy (paying 3 months salary as suggested by the diamond industry) for the woman. Would you be ok getting rid of this tradition too if he objects to buying an engagement ring and does not want to wear a wedding ring? Some guys just don't like jewelry.

 

You know what? I think that if one person wears a ring, you both should. And I don't buy into that three months salary crap. If you want to buy me a ring, do it with your heart and mind, not what society tells you to do. If you don't want to wear a ring? Don't buy me one. I'm fine with that.

But i will say that the ring thing is different than being asked to shelve your identity for a marriage certificate. It's physical reminder to you and the world that someone out there has the matching ring, and you've chosen them to be in your life forever. My name, and especially his, don't indicate anything about the marriage. Your name might change, but no one knows that Joe Shaw is married by his name alone, any more than you know that Julie Shaw is married by her name alone. You do know by the rings on their fingers, which to me is a far more lasting symbol than a name.

 

Interesting, you say you would be ok with not wearing rings but then go on to say that they are a physical reminder. The argument could be made that to those you already know changing your name is also a physical reminder. I exchanged the two words in the bolded part above, and it is equally as true. Most women I have posed that question to state that they would doubt the man's true commitment to the marriage if he did not want to wear a ring, they think it would be as if he wanted to maintain some part of being single or hide his marriage, that is exactly how many men, including myself, would feel if the woman we were dating did not want to take my last name.

Marriage represents a compromise on many fronts, I get that there is a powerful attachment to a birth name, that being said there are other ways to honor and pass along maiden (or family) names. What worked for us, my wife's maiden name was a common first name for boys, so we made that our son's middle name, my wife's middle name was passed down from an aunt on her mom's side and that is our daughter's middle name, ect. That way you are still honoring names from both sides of the family while still having the same last name as a family.

 

Not to be antagonistic, but if there's a Joe Shaw and a Julie Shaw at a party, one might put the two together as husband and wife quicker by their last names rather than their rings. A ring doesn't identify (in public) with another person who has a ring. Know what I mean?

I do get what you're saying though. The ring is a symbol to each other and to the world that you've made a lifelong commitment. I take it a step further and take my husband's name to symbolize my identification with him. And while I don't think either symbol is a must, I would want my husband to wear a ring. If nothing else, it lets other "interested parties" know he's taken. (Of course, that's not always an effective deterrent. :cry: )

 

Amen, since the day of my wedding (over 20 years ago), I have always worn my wedding ring, and let's just say that fact has not deterred multiple women from "expressing their interest" over the years. Sad social commentary.

 

That may be because the assumption is that married men are "safe" to flirt with. You can have fun with them because they're in a relationship and aren't looking for a commitment elsewhere. Adultery, anyone?

 

I didn't want my ex (or any woman I've ever been involved with) to take my name. She's not my property and if I had wanted a woman with my same last name I would have married one. I want what I fall in love with, a unique woman complete with her own unique identity and I don't want that to change.

 

well huntress reading your past posts why should the man buy the ring ....you can buy the man the ring.

 

Always an option, but i don't care about rings, honestly. It's a decision you can make as a couple. I like the idea of going together to buy each otherb rings if that's what you want, but i don't enjoy the old giant rock and a surprise proposal tradition.

 

Until its the right guy and you'll greet him with a "thank you daddy" lol

 

Aside from engagement rings (which personally I think are a waste of money, and consequently I never had one), shouldn't the man buy the woman her wedding ring and the woman buy the man his wedding ring? That's what we did. He got me mine and I got him his. I mean, they're not just a symbol (IMO) they're a gift to each other.

 

Ok kiddo, my boyfriend has no problem with my not wanting to have kids or change my name. We have talked about marriage and we both see eye to eye on it. Besides, i don't care if i never get married. It's never been my goal in life because I'm busy working on a PhD and traveling. I don't need a man, which is a fundamental difference between how you view marriage and how i do. I do not submit to anyone, but I will discuss and we can compromise.

As i said before, it's a partnership to me. An equal one. And I'm old enough to know that i don't need anyone...i choose good people who are worthy of my time by being good and honest and espouse good qualities that i want to surround myself with.