Love complications

If you met some one you like pretty much, he or she is honest, kind,reliable, sexually a master.. at the end you cannot say anything negative about him/her, but you feel and know that you don´t love that person..How would you handle this situation? Would you let him/her free to give him/her the chance to find someone else or would you wait, hoping your feelings will change?

 

I have this thing where I say "I have to be sparked". They can have some good qualities, but if I don't feel it, I don't feel it! This is solely my opinion, but for me, it's either I like you or I don't. I can't force what isn't there. I just can't do it.

 

I would let them go.. I am a believer that my feelings would not change, but I question that sometimes.
I just think everybody deserves to be with someone that loves them and I dont want to rob them of that if I dont.

 

Exactly!

 

i'd set him free. life is way too short to stay with someone for the "what if". i'm with ib, i need the spark, the fire, the passion.

 

You both think, what I do, too. But as FG mentioned, is that correct? Many times I make the experience that you get used to a person and suddenly you feel very close to him. Love can develope itself in different ways.

The other point is that you have to hurt a person, who really doesn´t deserve that .

 

But you know passion leaves you and then you need a friend, some one you can trust and who understands you...

 

It's hard for me to look at it like that, cause with me, it's very clear cut. I've done the growing on me thing and that doesn't work for me. I fair better when the spark is already there. If I'm going to look for something, it should be at the forefront.

I think what you're describing might be a wonderful friendship on your end, but from their perspective, you don't feel the same way, and it's not fair to yourself or to them to give of yourself if it's not a natural feeling. Yes, someone can possibly grow into something more in the long run, but what I feel like you might be feeling is some type of guilt cause you see the good in them, but you're not quite on the same level of emotions as the other person. You deserve to put yourself and your feelings first. You're allowed to be selfish in this case. If not, you'd be doing them and yourself a big disservice.

 

Yes, I had to make that decision and I must say, it wasn´t easy.:sad:

 

*Hugs*

I know how it is. I've been there many times. It sucks! I used to feel so guilty and still do, but we can't help it! We have pheromones for a reason...lol

Just as long as you're not leading them on and you're being honest with them as well as yourself, it's okay! Not everyone likes everyone. I know we've had guys who didn't feel the same way about us as we did about them. That's probably why we can empathize and sympathize.

 

oh absolutely. but i think every relationship needs that passion at the start...that's what keeps it going

 

I agree, wholeheartedly....

 

correctly- the passion, the fever was/is there, but the feeling of looking at him and to know that you love this man that deep feeling I´ve missed

 

And CD, you deserve that deep feeling as well as him. It's just a crossing of different paths right now.

 

nice to see all of the replies thus far suggest and support the notion of not holding on in this situation. i fully agree, the person growing on you thing just doesn't work. only a matter of time til that becomes the frustration point, because the magnetism wasn't there from the start.

i've been on both sides of this situation, either the grower or the growee. (that a word? lol) and it's wack either way. if you can read people, you can tell when they have you around but aren't fully into you. leaves a person feeling less than great, and can lead to resentment later when the other person finally settles in. and then on the otherside, when you have someone great but just not quite your to-die-for, feels like you are stringing them along or just plain ol taking advantage of all their wonderfulness. in both situations i'd suggest removing yourself from the equation, it just causes too much stress and inner turmoil. life shouldn't always be about struggling.

 

Thank you very much for your male perspective. Especially, because you have experienced from both sides.

Would you say it is better to make a full cut or to try to lead it in a friendship? For me it´s always difficult to let good men go..

 

I agree that can happen Christine, but in my experience it's not that passionate love that develops, it's more the caring type of love you have for your parents or your children. Personally that's not what I'd want in a partner, I want the passion, the spark that IB described. I think only with that type of love do you both have the best chance at a future.

You are also right that letting them go does hurt them, and I know you are a very caring person and you would never want to intentionally hurt someone. I have a little difficulty in that area as well and I will go to great lengths to spare someone pain. I find it helps me to trade places with them in my mind and ask myself the question 'If I were him, would I want him to stay with me even though he isn't in love with me, or would I want him to tell me so we could both be free to find that passion in someone else'. The answer for me is that I would always want the truth, no matter how painful, and I would never want someone to spend time with me if they weren't 100% fulfilled by me in every possible way. Bottomline, if you feel something major is missing from a relationship, you should end it. I don't believe in settling and I don't think anyone else should do that either.

 

hmm... i would say depends on if your friendship will be true. if it's a good friend that you'll flirt heavy with and may even fall in the sack with from time to time, then you didn't really change the situation much.

when i say that i think of a chris rock joke...
"You know what's the cool thing about women? Women get to have platonic friends. He's my pal, he's my bud, he's my platonic friend. I love him like a brother. he's my bud my platonic friend~~

Men don't have platonic friends okay? we just have women we haven't f**ked yet. As soon as I figure this out, Im in there! I mean we got some platonic friends, we all do. I mean I got some platonic friends, but they are all by accident. Every platonic friend I got was some woman I was trying to f**k , I made a wrong turn somewhere, and ended up in the friend zone. Oh no, I'm in the friend zone! Women keep platonic friends forever. Why? Cos you never know! That's right. They keep them platonic friends forever why? cos you never know. You know what a platonic friend is to a woman? It's like a dick in a glass case. In case of emergency , break open glass!"

but if it's a true platonic thing, it may work. can be a sticky situation, but it can also be a cool friendship.

 

Thanks for your clear words and your support. Actually I think the same, but I am also honest, when I say that I wasn´t sure anymore, when I looked in his sad eyes and heared him asking, why I am doing that to him. But my mind gets clearer again.:smt058

 

Naja, in general I cannot imagine that a platonic friendship would work directly after an affair...but after some time, when the emotions cooled down and one or both is in love again, it should be possible