Looking back

I have been sitting in this room, staring at these four walls and taking stock.....probably drinking too much and if you can believe it doing too many pushups.

I have had more than my fair share of women most where just "youth fun" but of few I just did out right wrong.

Elocin - she really cared for me. Great woman, but instead of being honest with her I just strung her along. I was really young. listening to my brother telling me "mac hoes" years later she STILL has a thing for Ymra. I feel bad about that.

Asil - Another good one. Lisa would have done anything for me. She had a car, I didn't I just needed a ride back and forth to work. One day I got the keys from her and kept the car for a week. I know she needed it too but she got fired. I took her car back...and said FUCK IT

Anad - She was shy, I was stupid. I talked her into giving me a blow job, then told everyone at school. Trying to be cool. Damn

AnirT - She didn't really like me like me but she saw me as her homeboy. One day I tried to kiss her and she went Yuck. I was embarrassed, went to school and put her real phone number on the bathroom walls. I think she knew it was me.

Oknuj - she had just got dump, drunk...she liked me. Young and dumb. I used to go over her house to just have sex, and leave. I wasn't even nice about it. Show up announced...fuck...leave. One day she got really sick, the flu or something. I showed up.......fucked.........left. To this day she still emails me some 15 years later.

Eir - I wanted a watch, but I didn't want to pay for it. I knew she didn't have a lot of money. I was a Marine living in the baracks didn't need money. I talked her into buying me the watch. Man I feel bad about that.

Adnil - She was really sweet. Marine female. She had a breast reduction and she was lonley. We started dating she was a higher rank than me but so I didn't tell anyone. She got out of the Marine Corps and we still dated then we were at a club and she said "This is my boyfriend" I said....No I'm not. She was hurt

AteiP - Australian. beautiful. She was a show girl. She wanted to go to college and she was ashamed to be dancing. fuck it....she has a nice ass. I took my who squad to see her dance. She was mortified.

Ahsiaa - Another Aussie. Man....half white, half aboriginal. She licked me a lot. I think I liked her. She took me to where she grew up as a child. And I dn't know after that, I just didn't want to see her anymore. As if I was too good...or better.

Harihaat - she taught me what Vegimite was. another one sexed and done with.

Haras - damn something about Australian women. She actually was a bitch, but I knew deep down she just wanted to be loved. I made it my mission to open her up...and when I did. She finally came out of her shell.......I bounced. Who's next.

Aidyl - I took and took from her. Her grandmother passed away and I knew she needed 1,000. Hell I went to the funeral. I didn't need the money at all. Hell I wasted more money than she needed. But I kept it....didn't offer to help at all I just said "I ain't got it"

Ellehcim - She really really really likes me. And I told her I'm not ready to jump into a relationship, no matter the sitution and distance I'm still bound and really hoping to see if I have anything worth fighting for. Trying to get over my ANGER. Should do the man thing and kept my distance. I used her. For my loneliness and companionship, knowing she wants more. Telling myself "as long as you don't fuck her you are ok"

...I know she's hurting. I don't know which is worth, fucking her and lyin' or stringing her along. Man I feel like shit.

The list could go on.

I tell me myself it was just youthful fun. But I supposed it will all come back to me one day. As a Buddhist I understand totally cause and effect.

I'm not a good person. I hide behind aggression, and anger. I learned how to fight out of fear. I learned how to become a better fighter out of fear. Fight rather than face. Its cowardice. Easier to swing than it is to think things through, then to humble myself.

Here I am 38 years old. So much wasted time convincing myself. Who was I trying to prove right or wrong? Myself really.

Perhaps that is the reason I am here now. The reason I myself have been betrayed, because of the path that I lead. Or as a Buddhist perhaps I am know paying for that which I was and still have not made the change. Karma is an extension of past deeds of past existence, if so....that who I was is no better than who I am.

My homeboy said it best today.

"When you die, do you want the only thing people say about you is HERE LIES YMRA............." nothing of substance.

 

Examine and determine your values and then live by them. Live according to your values.