Letting go of unhealthy family relationships

Hey all, I just let go of a very unhealthy relationship with with my controlling mother today. I've struggled with this for a long time and it's negatively impacted my life in more than one way. My only brother did the same last fall and I suppose he set the ball rolling for me. Have any of you been through a similar experience with an immediate family member? It's so hard but I know it's the best thing for me at this point in my life.

 

Yeah, but we're cool now. As for the rest of my family, never been close with most of them anyway. Doubt I'll see myself interacting with my family in 15 years.

 

Same boat here. Mother and sister probably since they depend so much on me(though dragging me down).

 

After my mom passed away in '97 I stopped talking to almost all of my family (my father, and all 7 of my siblings – I’m the youngest). My father had already “disowned me” when I was pregnant with my daughter because her father is black; but up until my mom died, my siblings seemed “ok” with it. Once my mom was no longer in the picture the gloves came off and they told me a lot of very, very hurtful and negative things about my daughter and her “lineage.” I was 22 and had an 8 month old baby to try and take care of by myself and did not need that extra drama thrown into an already drama filled situation.

I started talking to 2 of my closest siblings a couple of years later. I tried again with my dad and because my son (who was about 5 months old at the time) “looked white” (direct comment he made) he wanted to reconcile. When I heard the “looks white” comment I said buh-bye to him again.

It took about 12 years before I started talking to the rest of my siblings. It was 12 years of family-drama-free living and I enjoyed it. Oh sure I had moments of regret … wondering if they even thought of me; but those weren’t that often. When I was finally contacted by my sister’s daughter I decided to talk to some of my family again. Some worked out, some didn’t but at least I gave it a try.

I can honestly say that had I stayed in contact with my siblings or father during those 12 years my life would have been terrible. They piled nothing but grief on me and made me hate myself. If your mom is anything like my dad and siblings (at least in the way you are treated) then I say you made a very painful, but very wise decision and I hope you will be able to find the same peace I did!

(sorry I wrote a novel here ... I just know exactly how you feel and the second guessing you are probably doing)

 

:smt010

I can relate to all of you in here.... makes me hate life.

 

I let go of a relationship with my Uncle on my mothers side due to his (then) new wife. My cousin came to live with us in his teens because of issues with his step-mother I am not going to bore you with.

She became furious with my mother for this (and my mother has no mean bones in her body) but mind, you, she didn't want my cousin to stay with them either - and somehow the step-mother started using me as some sort of pawn. It was hurtful for me but I mostly felt terrible for my mother because of the lies my uncles new wife started to throw around about me to somehow get back at her for taking in my cousin. My uncle didn't step up for his son and sister and the two didn't talk for over 10 years - of course I let go of that relationship as well as it was poisons.

I am in rare contact with them today, as is my mother - but its not the same and stays very superficial. My cousin has not spoken to his dad for 20 years and due to my uncles spineless behavior in the matter, he has lost not only that relationship but also to his grand daughter by proxy. Very sad.

 

i dont really keep in contact with my family. so busy giving into my own desires and ambitions.

damned if u do, damned if u dont. think about what more you could be doing for yourself if you didn't have people depending on you. the flip side, if something happens to you, your family will be the ones covering your ass like they did when you were a kid (id hope anyway)

think we have a winner here

it's so lame that a parent can 'disown' a kid for reproducing with someone with different skin.

 

It was captivating. I'd buy the book if it came out.

I'm just really happy that it worked out for you. It kind of makes me sort of feel better that I have written my dad off the last day of the year that we fought.

Sometimes, trying to keep a relationship just for the sake of keeping it when you are miserable is not worth it to me.

 

I've always had a troubled relationship with my mother but don't have the luxury of walking away from it. My parents are in their mid-70's, housebound and in failing health. If I walked away, all the responsibility for their care would fall on my sister's shoulders (and she already does the lion's share as it is) and I can't do that to her. I was brought up in the church and "Honor thy father and thy mother" always rings in my head. The best way for me to do that is help when I am needed and limit my interaction with my mother as best I can. I love my mother, but I don't like her self-righteous, critical and judgemental spirit.

 

Reading this makes me appreciate my family. I have been very lucky to not have any strained relationships. Hopefully those who posted of turmoil can find peace either with or without their family around them.

 

Luckily for me, although I tried to reconnect it didn't work for most of my siblings; but I am 100% okay with it now. Having had the chance to at least try has put a lot of the "what-if's" to rest.

I only feel a little bad about it when my kids have friends with big extended families. If mine was no so "dysfunctional" my kids would have had lots and lots of uncles/aunts & cousins. My grandma had 16 kids, my mom had 8 ... that equates to a ton-o-people especially when you factor in that about 95% of the above listed people are LDS (and procreate like bunnies). :smt096 <- couldn't locate a bunny emoticon so the spinning debil is gonna have to work.

 

Thanks everyone for your replies. My mom fits into what's called a narcissistic (sp?) parent. Everything must be about her all the time. When I was very young she had an affair and was even bold enough to bring my brother and I to the man's home several times. That relationship did not pan out but she did finally leave my dad for a high school flame.

To make a long story short...BOTH my father and her bf resided in the same house with me, bro, and mom. She slept upstairs every night with her bf and my dad in the basement. They never officially divorced, and after seven years living like this, my dad was killed by a drunk driver when I was 14. My brother and I received insurance payouts from his death but mom got the bulk of his assets and still receives a pension because he was a state employee. Throughout our teens and early adulthood she used this money too manipulate us.

I have confronted her in the past concerning all of this, but to an extent I was still dependent upon her and her only reply was "that's who I am, I was his wife, and I'm not going to change." I didn't bring up these incidents after our conversation. Several yrs later I was date-raped, and after I told her I needed time alone, she showed up on my doorstep and promptly left an hour later because I was crying because I REALLY did not want her there. She brought this up two years later during an argument and referred to it as "the time I came to see you after your rape and you just turned me away!" I decided I was done with her after thatbut she came back with all tears and apologies so I took her back.

After a lot of recent soul searching I've realized that many aspects of my life, including my job, were only pursued because that is what she's expected of me. She is so competitive and jealous she doesn't want me to do better than her, just the same (and maybe even a little worse!) She does not outwardly put me down, she is very sly about it. Although I am relatively educationally and financially successful (I own a home), I can tell she gets a real sense of satisfaction in telling me when creditors call for a debt I've not. yet been able to pay off from college. She will not outwardly denounce my preference for BM but send me emails about how more blacks than whites have AIDS or may comments about life will be hard for any children I ever have.

I became so sick of her controlling nature and judgement and I've turned the other cheek for so many years, but it had to stop. I realized that while I am good at what I do, I do not know what I want to do with my life. I'm sick of feeling the anger and feeling hostage to her guilt-trips. It broke my heart to tell her all of this by email but I had to do it for me. So sorry for the long post but it feels good to vent.

 

I say bravo to you, csbean, for having the guts to stand up and tell her you're not gonna take it anymore. It takes a large pair to stand up to your parent(s) like that.

 

I am civil towards my siblings and other relatives and they accuse me of being unAfrican because they think its my responsibility to look after all of them as custom demands. My Uncle actually had the nerve to say my late father shouldnt have taken his kids abroad during his diplomatic career because it made us lose that African sense of extended family relationship. My mother is the glue holding us together and when she exits, i think i will totally lose touch with all my relatives, immediate and distant.

 

I'm sorry. It is totally uncalled for. While I understand extended family is very important (my ex is from Trinidad & they are the same), telling someone they are less "name the quality" than they should be because they don't follow traditions is a very low blow.

My mom was the glue as well & we disintegrated shortly after her death.

 

Rep'd you with a link that might be useful to you(sorry, forgot to sign it >.<), but by breaking contact, you are doing the right thing. It might be hard at first, but there are plenty of support groups out there that can help you and there is counselling available for situations such as yours too.

Well done for taking a very difficult first step, it's something that takes a lot of strength to do.

 

Immediate family no. My father's side we don't bother dealing with. They don't know where we live, we don't give them our phone number, and the only time we hear from them is usually when we see them at a funeral. Which is probably like every 5 - 10 years.

They didn't really do anything to us but they're dead weight and fortunately my Dad was smart enough to realize it. Blood doesn't change that. If we weren't related we wouldn't associate with them anyway. I see way too many people in the Black community who will let relatives drag them down and ruin their lives out of some weird sense of a blood bond.

One thing my family is good at is cutting people off which I've always considered a good thing.

 

I have relatives that i dont care if i ever seen them
also does not matter what they think ..i dont see them anyways i have no relatives in Australia (i mean from my side of the family ) only i can count my son

am close to my sister and brother but be in another county not easy to see them often ..

for cousins and other s who cares i dont think i will reconise most of them even if i see them on the street thats how long i saw them last ...
from one way it is good all are far away from me but on the other side miss the one i care

 

Mom----not talking to her as she blames me for my daughter getting preganant and having a baby at 19 and not being married.

Dad and stepmom --just started talking again, finally accepting thae fact I date black men

Half-sister---nope, judgemental bitch

I consider my grown kids, granddaughter, aunt, uncle, cousins and a few close girlfriends to be my true family. Chin up and enjoy your life. Remember it is not the family that you are born into, it is the one you create.

 

damn

19 is young in these times, but if the daughter is going to school or working, I wouldn't really pass judgement on her like they did. As for the dating BM thing...come on already. They should have got over that long ago. If BM treat you the way you think you deserve to be treated, have at it. Don't wait for a certain color to come around, you know.