Is this where I get off??? Are u sure? That can't be right

i have a similar problem... I don't prefer to date any race in particular. In my semi-serious dating history I have dated 2 BM and 2 WM. Both times I dated the WM, my girlfriends seem surprised, like my choice of meat...I mean, man, yeah man, that's what I meant, was "so unlike me." And, when the girls and I are at the club...(where girls aren't always very nice to other girls)...I get treated like, "oh, your one of thooooose girls." When my Luv (the hottest BM alive) and I are out for drinks or dinner or... anything really...we never really get treated like a serious couple. If that makes any sense...it's like I can feel people making silly little assumptions about who I am.

To tell you the truth, I never really thought about all this before too long ago. Valentines actually. Luv and I have been in cahoots for like 3 years or so, and I have known him since I was 17. I have know this man for a decade next year. Part of me wonders if this public perception might be the reason behind some very serious commitment issues.

I love Luv to death, and I just can't see my life without him. I have known him for almost a decade. I had this huge crush on him... Anywho, we've been fighting pretty much the same fight for one year now. I want to move to the next level... Movin' in together! He is like freaked out or something...I don't know. There are a lot of other issues here, but this whole "I need u-I don't need u," business is tearing me apart. I wish I knew what the problem was, and he's just plain not sharing.

In the midst of a "discussion" between Luv and I, he said, "I don't want to move in with anyone I hadn't planned on marrying." I was destroyed, but he came around and picked up the pieces...this has happened several times this year. I feel like each time I lose something, confidence. And, confidence is very important to Luv. I sort of feel guilty, like I don't trust him to look out for me, even though he'd tell you he'd never let anything happen.

I haven't met quite a few of his other friends, but they really are more like acquaintances. I do know his family,extended family, closest friends...is this a sign?

My mother isn't the brightest bulb in the box. She's a sweet lady and all, but she's a tad drunk most of the time. She told me that maybe he just doesn't want to share the rest of his life with a white woman. She also pointed out that maybe he doesn't want mixed kids. I blew her off of course, but do you think Luv would just leave everything we've experience together because I'm not black too?

I also have the white "Norwegian" child, as tuckerreed put it. Luv and I started seeing each other again when I was prego....I know. My son is 2, almost 3, and in love with Luv. Sonshine treats Luv like a father. (the paternal father goes to U of FLA, and will probably move to work at the NYSE. Paternal has met Sonshine 3 times. Could this mixed family be too awkward for Luv? I am comfortable with Luv and my son bonding. Luv is an excellent male roll model.

I need help talking to Luv on this. I want to know why things aren't progressing. I want to know what is wrong and how to fix this. I am losing a lot of things he loves about me because of this, and I feel completely hopeless.

 

I am not trying to hurt your feelings by saying this, but I am not good at niceties. So, I will just say it the only way I know how.

You are not THE ONE for him. He may very well love you, cherish you and adore you, but you do not move him to make a marriage proposal. You could probably play games and maybe weazel him into proposing, but I wouldnt advise it. As much as you want to take it to the next level, he just doesnt want to. If he felt it for you, nothing would stop him from LEADING you to the next level.

I was with a man for over 10 years. He kept pushing for marriage and I couldnt see marrying him. I thought at the time I just didnt want to get married to anyone. I just didnt see the whole reason for it. We finally broke up. I started dating my husband and we married within one year. He was the one who moved me to want marriage. The guy I had been with went from being 50 yo to 60 yo (manditory pilot retirement age) with me. I should have kicked him loose and/or he should have left me. He wanted someone to spend his retirement traveling with him.

I guess you need to seriously do some soul searching and decide if you want a good relationship that isnt going anywhere or whether you really do need to have more. If you need more, do both of you a favor and get out. There is someone else out there who will love and cherish and MARRY you.

 

This quote here is telling you everything you need to know. He told you he doesnt plan on ever marrying you. Believe him.

Then, you get upset and he picks up the pieces. All he is doing is showing some compassion for you. Keep in mind that what ever he is saying here is likely to be what he thinks you need to hear rather than the whole truth.

 

double post

 

1sheeklady,
I could not agree more w/ flygirl. I know that it can be incredibly painful to come to terms with the fact that the one YOU love and want to spend your life with does not feel the same.

I very recently went through something very similar. He was very sweet and very caring, however he kept telling me in rather indirect ways that I wasn't the one and that I could never be. But I stayed optimistic and hopeful and I hid the depth of the emotions that I felt for him for fear of scaring him off... but after almost 2 years of waiting and hoping, I finally admitted how I felt and exactly what I wanted from him and his response was not the one I wanted! However, I have to admit that I feel like an immense burden has been lifted from my shoulders. I know now that I am free to move on and find the right one. And yes... it sucks and it hurts and it still makes me sad to think of all the dreams and plans that I had for us that will never come true... but HE doesn't WANT them!! So, I sure as hell can't force him... and you know what? I would not want to! And neither should you.

You should never have to "convince" anyone to be with you!! There is someone (actually, there are probably many) out there who would love to be with you... for all the RIGHT reasons!

You need to be strong. It's harder than hell to gather up that strength and courage, but once you make the move you will be greatly relieved. You just need to be ready. I hope for your sake that it happens sooner rather than later.

Good luck, girl!

 

maybe so...

Well, the both of you said some very helpful things...things I know, sort of. I just have never felt so close to someone, and so far at the same time. I am really busy. I work two jobs, go to school full time, and have a 2 year old. The last thing I want to do is go through a break up. I don't think I could handle it on top of all that. I know what that is like. Luv and I had a very hairy breakup over the summer. I ended up sleeping with this neighbor guy after a few dates, but lied about it. to make the long short, Luv found out, but still wanted to keep me. What is that all about? Couldn't Luv just be a typical guy and be afraid of marriage? He has a small yet uncanny history of never going the longest yard. What if he wants to make sure I'll be patient with him??? If I leave him, then I am just like the rest, and I am very much not the rest. Luv is not a games player. I tried to pull some stunts in my day. And, I am pretty sure If I gave him an ultimatum, he would call bull shat & tell me to f myself. It's just not the way he works.

I might just leave him. I am tried of trying to keep up with what's going on with him. I am tired, and frankly I deserve more than what I am getting. You know, he calls me crazy...