I'm sooo angry right now (racist grandma')

I just need to let a little steam out, and I do it here cause I know everyone will be sooo supportive

First of all. My whole family is really supportive of me, and are happy for me being pregnant and all. Everyone except my grandma. She's almost 80- but that's her only excuse for being such a racist. She's very educated, and have traveled quite a lot for a woman her age. (Actually she's educated, and have traveled quite a lot compared to most.)

She's the only one of my close relatives, who haven't yet met my BF. Because she haven't wanted to (probably afraid the neighbours would see she got a black visitor). We haven't told her I was pregnant until today, cause we all knew there would be a lot of nagging and complainting about it.

Well, since I live in another town, and since we wouldn't want her to learn it over the phone, my mum went to tell her in person. She was crying for two houres... 5min after my mum left, my grandma' called me, and she was still really upset.

Here's some of what she said:
- He can't support you, cause he doesn't have a job. (Correct, his contract went out. He's been out of work for aprox 5 weeks because he wanted a vaction, and he is starting in a new job again next week. He makes more money than me.)
- He won't get a job here, and he probably don't want to, and you have to provide for him the rest of your life (Ok, let's for the arguments sake say that's true- how long do you think I'd put up with that? Not for the rest of my life, that's for sure.)
- Don't marry him. Think of that poor baby. (WTF? That doesn't make sence at all! And why would anyone feel sorry for my baby before it's even born. There's no evidence it'll suffer in any way.)
- He doesn't know our language (Yeah, only English, French, Dutch and German, so he probably can't learn another one- right?)
- He probably just want a visa (*sigh*)
- Are you sure he's not allready married (Again WTF???)

She also made it quite clear that I'd be better of as a single mum, than marrying him.

OK; I've gotten some comments before as well, for instance several people have asked me if I'm sure if he is HIV-negative. That's ok. That's them being concerned for my wellfare. Her comments are just racist. And she haven't even met him (as I pointed out several times)!

Also, my grandma' is very conserned about apearance. If I thought the comments where purely racist, maybe I could forgive her a little more easily. Then it might have been some sort of misunderstood concern for my wellfare. But I suspect a lot of those tears, is actually her worrying about what her sisters and neighbours will think ("How could you do this? I used to be so proud of you!")

Jeez, I'm so angry I can't sleep. (It's 3:30 am here!) It's been bugging me all evening.

 

Ronja ~

I'm sorry for all the comments and the hurt. I think the best way to handle these things is to not give them the opportunity (if at all possible). Unfortunately you were sortof ambushed on this one. Maybe next time if she starts in just tell her that her opinion is really none of your business. I know for myself, I have come up with some things to say ahead of time...this way if I am caught offguard I have some standard things to say.

Chances are that she will relax and get better about it all once the baby is here. Especially because she will see how things are going and how the crap she said doesn't hold wanter. I see this happen often. But she may not and that's something that you may have to deal with. If she's 80 and still concerned with her image....this may be something that she's always going to have issues with. But those are HER issues and you don't have to deal with it.

 

Hey Ronja,

It's okay for you to be angry. It is frustrating sometimes dealing with people who disapprove of BM/WW relationships. Older generations have a much harder time getting rid of their old prejudicdes, and maybe she will always feel that way. Just remind yourself how it is a blessing that you do have so many family members who are supportive because many ww who are in love with bm don't have any of that. Remind yourself also how you will be able to raise your baby to love and respect anybody of any race. I think it is good also to get the mindset that you don't give a damn what anybody thinks. The haters will always be there, but so will bm and ww like us who refuse to let them stop us from forming our beautiful loving relationships. Nothing is going to stop that from continuing to happen.

 

I agree with everyone else Ronja. I think over time and after the baby is born, she will come around. Once she has a chance to see that this man is not what she pictures him to be. Maybe he will prove her wrong on this one!! My grandparents were shocked at my first pregnancy too but they soon got over it. They would say things like "how could she mess up our name like that?" We just ignored them and lived our lives. They eventually admitted that they were wrong about him and are glad he's around. Either way she will love your child b/c it's yours. I have yet to meet grandparents who can deny their grandchildren.

 

Ha! I love my family sooo much!

We all know how controlling grandma' can be, so everyone try to stick together. (Cause next time it'll be someone elses life she's trying to run...) And it's actually working. Even family members that I'm sure must be a bit sceptical to my BF has been telling her to just shut up and accept it (in a nicer tone though, I imagine).

And my uncles who both have great jobs, have reasured her that with my BF's referances and his education, he will find a job. Even if he should somehow never learn the language. (There are a lot of international companies where I live.)

So today she actually called me and apologized!
:shock:

Now I'm all happy again. Unless we screw up completely, and get divorced within a year or something like that, she'll probably never mention all that shit again.

:smt003

 

That's great news Ronja!

Glad to hear that she came to her senses

 

Fantastic!

 

yeah, and it only took 2 days!!! I'm truely amazed!

Thank you everyone for the support!

 

Ronja - I am so happy to hear of your grandma's change of mind. Of course you would have gone forward with your decision, but there is no denying that her negative feelings would have cast a shadow. Life is better when you can share joys and sorrows with your family and get support. It was nice to hear how your other family members stood up for you - that must feel really good, too!!

(And I feel like I should apologize for not posting to you about this earlier. I meant to tell you to stay strong and keep your chin up and somehow didn't get it done - you were certainly in my thoughts! :wink: )

 

Ronja, I am glad that scene did not end up like that in that flick Festen. Your grandmother is a good person in apologizing.