I want to marry her, but don't want to deal with her child

My disclaimer: For those of you who already have children and can't bring yourself to understand my viewpoint or are too offended by it to see straight, this thread is not for you.

This is a bit of a precarious situation and extremely heavy decision. I literally met the woman of my dreams online a couple of months ago. She has two children, one who doesn't live with her and one who does. My original profile was on Interracialsingles.net and where it asked if you wanted kids or not I selected "Not sure"...because I had never truly explored the thought. I've never been able to integrate the ideas of my romantic lovelife and lifestyle with my wife and having the responsibility of a child. I've always wanted to be married and have that one true love to spend my life with, but whenever I would entertain the idea of a kid(s) being in the picture, it ended up ruining it. I have this innate and very powerful need for personal attention from my mate (which she gives me without hesitation)...not at all times, of course, but I hate having to share/divert her and my attention to the little one all the time. Since he's only 4, his every waking breath is dependent upon her attention, and eventually mine. Don't get me wrong, I don't resent the child. He's a wonderful little boy with a very vibrant and thirsty mind and lovable personality. I don't blame him because he's a child...but he is still a child and a responsibility that even if I did genuinely want is not one that I want to have integrated with the life I want to have with her. I love this woman with all my heart and soul...that includes central "parts" of her like her children. Part of loving her, I know, is loving the child too...or at least accepting and being "ok" with the child being a very long-term part of our life and conducting myself accordingly (meaning helping raise him and contributing to his development even if it means fewer happy moments with my wife for a while). It was a "package deal" (her words) when I decided to devote my life to her. I will continue to devote my life to her as leaving her is not an option for me considering she is the one for me as I know in my heart and soul. I just need to know how I can learn to be cool and collected about her child and having to deal with him for the next 14 or so years. I must accept him as part of our life or I can't have her. Fortunately, as she has reminded me, once he is of age and can go out on his own into the world, I will have her ALL TO MYSELF for eternity! But in the meantime, the situation is what it is.

I don't mean to spark any discussion about why I don't want kids, or why it's wrong to want them or not want them, or anything of the like. This isn't about why, but a request for advice on how to learn to adjust. Thank you for reading.

[I posted this twice to include people who may frequent certain forums over others. Sorry for the redundancy.]

 

Kids are no joke.
They are your's for life.

I think people [some people] have kids because they think it's the right thing to do or they cave into pressure from everyone around.
It's not easy.

I think you already know what you're going to do but I also think you'll need to find the “how to” on your own.

One thing I will say is people do need to put themselves first at some point but because it gets drummed into everyones head that “your kids come first” and people forget to be a couple.
Taking time to be alone or doing things without the kids does not mean that people are bad parents or self centered but all relationships need find balance.

I think you lady has balance but now you need to find it between her, her kids and yourself. At least for 14 years....
But trust me - It's for life.

 

Hi Pinnacle,
actually I feel the exact way you do. I do not want to be serious or marry a man who already has children. I just don't think I would like to deal with that part of his history. That postion makes dating even harder, being my age (33) makes it even harder as a lot of people already have children. I think it's difficult in any constellation, for women dating a man who has a child also means dealing heavily with the ex which is an entire discussion by itself.
Since you really seem to like the woman you have met there, I would suggest to take a bit more time and let your feelings lead your way. One thing I would have to say is that if you decide to stay with her you should be clear about the fact that you should truly, truly love and care for her child as both of them don't deserve any less. She is a package deal and "accepting" him just for the sake of being with her would be a deceit. You need to love both of them wholeheartedly or at least know that over time you will be able to do so. This takes time and I hope you will be able to sort it out. Good Luck!!

 

If you want children, they are the most wonderful things in the world - but even if you adore them, they're still bloody hard work. If it's not for you then it never will be and you'll be doing yourself and the children a disservice by "taking them on".

 

Re: I want to marry her, but don't want to deal with her chi

No need to go past this. It has ONLY been a couple of months. Proceed with caution.

 

Hard situation. I can mention a lot of people I know who it has worked out for and who it hasnt, my Dad being one of them. He adopted my older sister when she was 4, then mum and dad had me then he divorced and raised my stepbrother and stepsister who were ages 4 and 6 and then had my younger sister (17 years between us!). My Dad and stepmum are so happy and yeah Ive seen the arguments, whose disciplining the kids, but my Dad truly loves his wife.

If I wasnt with my partner who I have 2 children to If I met another man then we would come as a package. I wouldnt expect him to be my childrens Dad as they already have one-guess it would just be getting the balance right. My partner is a lot older than me and he has children from previous relationships whom I accept. Im not their Mum though but if they need a shoulder or a friendly ear then Im there for all of them.

Go with your heart....

 

Well it is hard work dealing with someone that has kids. It's all about your mindset mainly. All I can say is good luck cause your gonna need it.

 

Over time you may naturally be drawn to the child and actually have a desire of having him included in your life. Its natural to want someone you care about to be all about you and you about her, even if that is not the way it can be.

I'd proceed slowly so you have time to see if you can acclimate to being with someone with a child.

 

Thank you all for the advice. There is a bit of diversity in all of your perspectives and it really helps in measuring this situation from all possible and necessary angles. I've discussed this with my fiancee at length and she is patient and knows that the children and I will naturally get along great. At the same time, she doesn't blame me for feeling this way because (even though she can't live without the boy) there are times when she does, too. It's only human. Over time we will establish the right balance.