I need some serious advice folks...

I think you guys are hung up on the rejection thing....I have moved on....I have let her go...it is just odd she is not speaking...if u guys were in my shoes u would know exactly what I am talking about....and really I never see her being friendly and talkative with anyone besides her fellow social workers.....all I asked of her was to get to know her outside of work....I am not some green teenager...I have dated many many women and this one I can't figure out

 

lippy means this in the nicest way possible...she doesn't want you to figure her out and with all that experience with women you shouldn't want to figure her out...she is not speaking to you it is because she feels that may give you hope...which i see any look...smile or niceness from her at this point may send you over the edge...this is getting creepy...weird...:-?

 

Dude, stop. Seriously, stop. Don't talk to her, don't try. Don't think about her. It's not a challenge. She's not a puzzle. She doesn't want anything to do with you, and the way women demonstrate that is to stop all communication with you totally. That's all there is. As soon as you've crossed a line, there's no reason to be nice, or continue a friendship, because you've crossed a line. We don't want to be friends anymore. We don't want to laugh and joke. We want you to go away and stop bothering us.

Obviously you haven't let her go because you're still here, waxing poetic/crazy about why you don't understand why she doesn't understand you just want to be friends. Cut your losses and move on. I'm sure by now she's told every single female friend within a 100 mile radius that you're 1. creepy, 2. a stalker, 3. clueless. Stop obsessing now before it reaches a 200 mile radius.

Agreed, lippy. Seriously. Some guys just need to stop.

 

So much co-sign. Rejection is NOT A FUCKING CHALLENGE.

Seriously, dude, women are not stupid. You don't have to be saying a word to her now for her to get the creepy vibe you're throwing her way. There is nothing to understand. She was polite in her rejection, and you're getting all weird about it. She can smell that a mile away if she's over the age of oh, about 15 or so. Really.

Her distancing herself from you? It means go away. It means don't look at me that way, don't talk to me, don't wander around with that creepy "But I'm a nice guy, I just wanna be friends" expression on your face or idea in your head. You've put yourself into the stalker creep category, not by asking her out, but by the way you've reacted to her rejection.

 

The real misake IMO was thinking the both of you were 'friends'. Being 'friendly' and being 'friends' is not the same thing.

Nearly all women are cordial in public settings, even to strangers. It's a female thing!:smt083

I think you approached a woman who feels like she probably doesn't even KNOW YOU, nor had any desire to and you made a move on her.

It would be like me hitting on my neighbor who I'd only talked to a few times in passing at the mailbox, then one day knocked on her door asking would she like to come over, watch some movies and split a bottle of wine??

No??

But I thought we were FRIENDS.:smt088

Real friendships are organic and develop slowly over time, your aren't 'friends' with someone because you share a few words a couple times a week.

ALso, have you dated or been intimate with anyone else where you work? If you have and it's gotten around she may have been responding to your reputation.

 

We are socialized to be nice, even to our own detriment. Those of us who are able to throw off that conditioning usually take awhile to get there.

Gentlemen, we know it isn't easy to approach a woman and ask her out - you're facing a possible rejection and no one likes to feel that way. So we try really hard to be nice, to be kind and find a way for you to save face - like saying we're not dating at all right now, or we have a boyfriend, etc. We don't want to make you feel like shit about yourself.

Because we're trying to be nice about it, we hope you'll be nice too and get the hint so we can keep it all civilized and pleasant. When you take our niceness as incentive to push, or see it as a challenge, it *really* pisses us off, because you are not "playing by the rules" of polite social behavior, and you've now put us in a position where our only options are being pressured into something we don't want, or being outright rude to you. If we are rude, suddenly we're bitches - when the truth is we tried not to be, and you wouldn't let us.

This also applies not only in asking someone for a date, but in sexual situations. If we've said no, or we aren't ready, or don't like X activity, or whatever polite statement we've made, and you think continuing to try and "wear us down," consider this: Either we're going to have to be rude and that will poison the way we feel about you going forward, or we're going to end up feeling pressured into doing something we don't want to do. Even if we let you, guess what? We'll never feel the same way about you again, because you've put your desire for a particular sexual act or encounter above the fact that you're doing it AGAINST OUR WILL. And guess what sexual activity against our will is defined as in our heads?

Yeah, I know, I'm old. It means I've learned a few things over the years guys, and *some* of you may need to hear them

 

wow!! some good word here.

 

These words are so very true.

There was this guy who used to work with me, who made it clear early on that he had the hots for me. I tried to just play it off but eventually he started asking me out. I told him I didn't want to because we work together. I was trying to be nice. I figured that was preferential to: I would never go on a date with you because you look like a troll.

The guy didn't let up and it made me uncomfortable. Eventually though, he got laid off and I haven't heard from him since. Whew!

Most women will politely turn you down, because it's the better thing to do.

 

Co-sign!! :smt023

Great post, TPix!

 

In my opinion you never wanna put yourself in too vulnerable a position and dating someone from work make you VERY vulnerable. Not a good idea.

Having said that just move on. Have some self confidence. There are too many good looking women in the world. If you know you have value you can easily move on. If you have self doubt then thats another story...

 

I have been at that hospital for 3 years and only took two women out from there on dates...and that was only after encouragement of their fellow nurse friends...I usually dont involve myself with people at the work place...but I will say the interest I get from the nursing staff or staff in general is overwhelming...it is actually tiring and aggravating at this point...every floor I have people that have expressed and still expressing interest in me...my fellow physician friend tell my I should check my testerone level because all the P___ getting thrown my way and I havent acted on it...he says that is not normal..haha...and really I dont see how posting a thread in a relationship column is creepy....or stalking...I simply wanted opinion...I havent attempted to contact her, call her, text her..like I said, now going on a month and half later we carry on like we dont know each other and that is it...she goes home to her man....I go home to my PS 3...haha...just joking...and maybe I am imagining things, but I have seen her pop up on other floors randomly that she dont even work on, that I just so happen to be on...I dont see another social workers doing that...I saw her one time do that, and came across the social worker on that floor and she asked her what are you doing here...and she responded, oh I just wanted to say hi...the other social worker just looked at her with a blank face, not knowing what to say...and i dont think i came on too hard or nothing like that...I didnt even ask her for a date...I only asked if I could get to know her outside of work...I dont see how that could be labelled as a strong come on....and maybe the use of word friends was written to convey too broad of a relationship...it is not like I am typing a proofread thesis hear, most of it is typed off an IPAD between down time...I guess I would like for us to be speaking again...not be Friends, but speaking people in a professional setting...and I remain not the least bit worried about my job....

 

when I say nothing too personal...I mean I didnt talk about her love life or her religious views...we talk about her family...how she is doing in school...about work...things like that...so yeah we do talk about things outside of work but not about things family and lovers would talk about

 

This thread is like a runaway train at this point. SirNice, I don't think you did anything wrong - from the sound of it, you approached her like a gentleman, asking if you could get to know her outside of work. For some reason, she felt it necessary to give you the cold shoulder, but I think it's her issue, not something you did inappropriately. Perhaps if you turn your attention to someone else, she might come around.

 

I wouldn't say you did anything creepy. I think you were confused by her two seemingly different ways of treating you and you came here to see if you can make heads or tales. I think you have decided to take the advice to move on and there is nothing creepy about anything. Don't worry.

You seem like a nice guy I am sure another person will come along who interests you and will respond in kind to your gestures.

 

@bold: It's not creepy or stalky to make a thread, it's what you're saying and the fact that you're still posting and saying stuff like the red portion.
@red: Please stop thinking this way! Anytime you think to yourself "but she is indicating she likes/wants to talk to me" or anything remotely like "she is giving me a sign..." remind yourself that you are wrong. You gave her an opportunity to express interest in you and she gave what she feels is a clear indication that she is not. You need to respect that and hold it above any thoughts you may be having. She is not interested.

It is unhealthy to obsess about it in the way you are doing and to convince yourself that she likes you and/or is doing things to see you, etc. and imho, you are walking very dangerous ground with thoughts like those I have highlighted in red.

I know I am being blunt and possibly rude and no doubt you think it's not my place and that I "don't know the situation" but I've been on the other side of the situation and I'm trying to help you. Stop thinking about her and move on.

edit:balls, italics didn't work, lol

 

nice, dont do anything else in relation to her because you will be in the same boat with German cain

 

He is saying she keeps popping up where she shouldn't be, but he is. She is keeping it going....if she is doing that. He isn't following her around but her him. How is that "creepy" on his part? :smt099

Lots of drama queening going on here.

 

I have been on your side where everything seems like a "sign", SirNice. It is a very unhealthy, pathetic place to be, and I'm glad I will never be there again. Just have to say that Eleven speaks the truth - the only sign there is is that you are obsessed whether you want to admit it or not and like several women have said already, once someone becomes obsessed with you, you will see how scary it can be to have someone "reading into" your every move. So don't let your mind run away with itself.

If you have so much tail being thrown at you, why are you so damn focused on the rejection of this one female? That's what's confusing to me. Most players couldn't give a fuck - they'd just laugh it off and move on to the next piece of ass. The name Sir "Nice" is suspect - I think you are slightly delusional about your marketability, perhaps, or your league.

ALSO - not every woman will date a black man, as sexy and wonderful as some of you are, and there is NOTHING you can do to change their minds. NOTHING.

 

I came across an article today about how to approach women you do not know in public, and why you often get rejected in those situations.

I know some of you are going to be ticked off, but please swallow your ire and read all the way through.
Approaching Strange Women in Public


Gentlemen. Thank you for reading.

Let me start out by assuring you that I understand you are a good sort of person. You are kind to children and animals. You respect the elderly. You donate to charity. You tell jokes without laughing at your own punchlines. You respect women. You like women. In fact, you would really like to have a mutually respectful and loving sexual relationship with a woman. Unfortunately, you don’t yet know that woman—she isn’t working with you, nor have you been introduced through mutual friends or drawn to the same activities. So you must look further afield to encounter her.

So far, so good. Miss LonelyHearts, your humble instructor, approves. Human connection, love, romance: there is nothing wrong with these yearnings.

Now, you want to become acquainted with a woman you see in public. The first thing you need to understand is that women are dealing with a set of challenges and concerns that are strange to you, a man. To begin with, we would rather not be killed or otherwise violently assaulted.

“But wait! I don’t want that, either!”

Well, no. But do you think about it all the time? Is preventing violent assault or murder part of your daily routine, rather than merely something you do when you venture into war zones? Because, for women, it is. When I go on a date, I always leave the man’s full name and contact information written next to my computer monitor. This is so the cops can find my body if I go missing. My best friend will call or e-mail me the next morning, and I must answer that call or e-mail before noon-ish, or she begins to worry. If she doesn’t hear from me by three or so, she’ll call the police. My activities after dark are curtailed. Unless I am in a densely-occupied, well-lit space, I won’t go out alone. Even then, I prefer to have a friend or two, or my dogs, with me. Do you follow rules like these?

So when you, a stranger, approach me, I have to ask myself: Will this man rape me?

Do you think I’m overreacting? One in every six American women will be sexually assaulted in her lifetime. I bet you don’t think you know any rapists, but consider the sheer number of rapes that must occur. These rapes are not all committed by Phillip Garrido, Brian David Mitchell, or other members of the Brotherhood of Scary Hair and Homemade Religion. While you may assume that none of the men you know are rapists, I can assure you that at least one is. Consider: if every rapist commits an average of ten rapes (a horrifying number, isn’t it?) then the concentration of rapists in the population is still a little over one in sixty. That means four in my graduating class in high school. One among my coworkers. One in the subway car at rush hour. Eleven who work out at my gym. How do I know that you, the nice guy who wants nothing more than companionship and True Love, are not this rapist?

I don’t.

When you approach me in public, you are Schrödinger’s Rapist. You may or may not be a man who would commit rape. I won’t know for sure unless you start sexually assaulting me. I can’t see inside your head, and I don’t know your intentions. If you expect me to trust you—to accept you at face value as a nice sort of guy—you are not only failing to respect my reasonable caution, you are being cavalier about my personal safety.

Fortunately, you’re a good guy. We’ve already established that. Now that you’re aware that there’s a problem, you are going to go out of your way to fix it, and to make the women with whom you interact feel as safe as possible.

To begin with, you must accept that I set my own risk tolerance. When you approach me, I will begin to evaluate the possibility you will do me harm. That possibility is never 0%. For some women, particularly women who have been victims of violent assaults, any level of risk is unacceptable. Those women do not want to be approached, no matter how nice you are or how much you’d like to date them. Okay? That’s their right. Don’t get pissy about it. Women are under no obligation to hear the sales pitch before deciding they are not in the market to buy.

The second important point: you must be aware of what signals you are sending by your appearance and the environment. We are going to be paying close attention to your appearance and behavior and matching those signs to our idea of a threat.

This means that some men should never approach strange women in public. Specifically, if you have truly unusual standards of personal cleanliness, if you are the prophet of your own religion, or if you have tattoos of gang symbols or Technicolor cockroaches all over your face and neck, you are just never going to get a good response approaching a woman cold. That doesn’t mean you’re doomed to a life of solitude, but I suggest you start with internet dating, where you can put your unusual traits out there and find a woman who will appreciate them.

Are you wearing a tee-shirt making a rape joke? NOT A GOOD CHOICE—not in general, and definitely not when approaching a strange woman.

Pay attention to the environment. Look around. Are you in a dark alley? Then probably you ought not approach a woman and try to strike up a conversation. The same applies if you are alone with a woman in most public places. If the public place is a closed area (a subway car, an elevator, a bus), even a crowded one, you may not realize that the woman’s ability to flee in case of threat is limited. Ask yourself, “If I were dangerous, would this woman be safe in this space with me?” If the answer is no, then it isn’t appropriate to approach her.

On the other hand, if you are both at church accompanied by your mothers, who are lifelong best friends, the woman is as close as it comes to safe. That is to say, still not 100% safe. But the odds are pretty good.

The third point: Women are communicating all the time. Learn to understand and respect women’s communication to you.

You want to say Hi to the cute girl on the subway. How will she react? Fortunately, I can tell you with some certainty, because she’s already sending messages to you. Looking out the window, reading a book, working on a computer, arms folded across chest, body away from you = do not disturb. So, y’know, don’t disturb her. Really. Even to say that you like her hair, shoes, or book. A compliment is not always a reason for women to smile and say thank you. You are a threat, remember? You are Schrödinger’s Rapist. Don’t assume that whatever you have to say will win her over with charm or flattery. Believe what she’s signaling, and back off.

If you speak, and she responds in a monosyllabic way without looking at you, she’s saying, “I don’t want to be rude, but please leave me alone.” You don’t know why. It could be “Please leave me alone because I am trying to memorize Beowulf.” It could be “Please leave me alone because you are a scary, scary man with breath like a water buffalo.” It could be “Please leave me alone because I am planning my assassination of a major geopolitical figure and I will have to kill you if you are able to recognize me and blow my cover.”

On the other hand, if she is turned towards you, making eye contact, and she responds in a friendly and talkative manner when you speak to her, you are getting a green light. You can continue the conversation until you start getting signals to back off.

The fourth point: If you fail to respect what women say, you label yourself a problem.

There’s a man with whom I went out on a single date—afternoon coffee, for one hour by the clock—on July 25th. In the two days after the date, he sent me about fifteen e-mails, scolding me for non-responsiveness. I e-mailed him back, saying, “Look, this is a disproportionate response to a single date. You are making me uncomfortable. Do not contact me again.” It is now October 7th. Does he still e-mail?

Yeah. He does. About every two weeks.

This man scores higher on the threat level scale than Man with the Cockroach Tattoos. (Who, after all, is guilty of nothing more than terrifying bad taste.) You see, Mr. E-mail has made it clear that he ignores what I say when he wants something from me. Now, I don’t know if he is an actual rapist, and I sincerely hope he’s not. But he is certainly Schrödinger’s Rapist, and this particular Schrödinger’s Rapist has a probability ratio greater than one in sixty. Because a man who ignores a woman’s NO in a non-sexual setting is more likely to ignore NO in a sexual setting, as well.

So if you speak to a woman who is otherwise occupied, you’re sending a subtle message. It is that your desire to interact trumps her right to be left alone. If you pursue a conversation when she’s tried to cut it off, you send a message. It is that your desire to speak trumps her right to be left alone. And each of those messages indicates that you believe your desires are a legitimate reason to override her rights.

For women, who are watching you very closely to determine how much of a threat you are, this is an important piece of data.

The fifth and last point: Don’t rape. Nor should you commit these similar but less severe offenses: don’t assault. Don’t grope. Don’t constrain. Don’t brandish. Don’t expose yourself. Don’t threaten with physical violence. Don’t threaten with sexual violence.

Shouldn’t this go without saying? Of course it should. Sadly, that’s not the world I live in. You may be beginning to realize that it’s not the world you live in, either.