I have a confession

I'm 35, divorced mom who grew up in redneckville. I was married to a WM and until the last year had only dated WM. And I admit after dating 2 African American men. I'm attracted to them and unfortunately both played me hoping for sex (which they did not get). I've been told alot of African American play games like this. Is this true? The first was also a divorced parent with a child the same age as my son. Professional non thug clean cut guy. Pursued me for a month or so heavy (called alot, emailed everyday during work). Went to lunch and then seemed to fade off as I did not offer sex when we met during work hours for lunch. The second was 10 years younger than me grad degree, son of a single mom, writes poetry, slim muscular build also clean cut. Pursued since August that he wanted to spend time with me since I lived out of the city and I ride horses. He came up we spent the afternoon together and he honestly thought I've give it up to him that day. When I didn't he emailed me the next day saying how unattractive I was to him after being with me that afternoon and how he prefers petite, very thin women. Which he knew I wasn't and I never lead him to believe we would have any sexual contact that day. I told him we would spend time together and I would show him my horses. Oh and I know he was attracted to me as he was turned on and initiated things practically the whole time he was with me. He really hurt my feelings as he knew what I looked like before he spent the day with me.

So once again I ask, are there alot of guys that pursue for months on end then the first date or time you spend time together they tell you they only wanted sex? I hope not as I liked they were straight forward with I like you would you like to go out? Most WM, make more smalltalk about nothing than a state dinner at the White House.

 

There are good black guys out there and there are players.

We all face the weeding out process in the dating game which after years of being in a relationship maybe be somewhat hard to get use to.

Don't be fooled into thinking that people are all the same.
Life will never be that simple.

I'll speak for myself here but I always wonder about the "sex only, black bull" when I meet a white woman for the first time.
Some players [both men and women] are better at the game than others but that's the risk we all take.

I guess my reply won't help you much or give you any new insight but just listen to your soul and you should be okay for the most part.

 

The Attraction.

Agreed with Lestat. Life is spoken of in generalities, but lived specifically.It's a case by case basis.

I'm not sure what would lead you to believe that the color of a man's skin would dictate his behavior towards you in the first place,because sincere guys come in all forms just like guys with only one thing on their minds do.

Good luck in finding the guy who is right for you.

 

Are the stereotypes about white women true? Do you want to be prejudged by what other, most, etc white women do? So why would you think that most or all men of any color are a certain way?

Based on your stories...I don't quite get how it was all about that you didn't have sex with them upon meeting.

In my experience there are players of any color.

My personal experience with black men has been that more than not they have been really great men who are strong, caring, and respectful.

Personally....I wouldn't be interested in being heavily pursued for a month or months before meeting. I like to meet pretty quickly. Why waste your time with all the mental garbage? The truth is that often times people may have high hopes and think that they will match up well and they meet and they just don't click for whatever reason.

 

No, not at all! You were just sh*t out of luck meeting those two in a row.
I hope you can keep the players at bay until you find a decent man.

 

Sorry

I didn't mean to offend anyone. I just am trying to figure out this dating thing. I've been divorced for 3 years and haven't been with anyone since my ex ( not for lack of trying). I just didn't get and still don't why someone would pursue you for months on end and then expect to talk you into sex when spending time together for the first time. I thought since he was respectful in our dealings up till then that he was on the level and I really thought since he grew up in an all female house he was not a player type. And I cold see thru his jeans he was hard almost the whole time we were together so he was attracted to me and he initiated kissing me before he left.

So where do you meet a non player type BM?

 

:smt045 Ain't that the truth for sure

 

Ok I'm still not getting it. So what the guy was partially hard through his jeans - how does that mean he was trying for sex? I know you are saying well he was turned on but then said he wasn't attracted....maybe he's telling the truth and maybe he's not. I just think you were expecting WAY too much from a 25 year old! It just seems that you are placing too much importance on this. I realize that people take these things really personally...but I wouldn't. Sometimes people are attracted and sometimes they aren't...that does NOT mean you are attractive or not - that's just one persons take on things. Again...this is why I would NOT be spending a bunch of time and energy talking with someone before meeting them. People build way too much up in their heads that way.

With all due respect....I think you need to take a good look at your own perceptions about black men before you go looking for one. My own personal curiosity wonders what your attraction to black men is.

You say you've been divorced for 3 years and not been with anyone, not for lack of trying. To me that doesn't sound like it's a black or white issue...but maybe one within yourself? Maybe you have some things you need to work through on your own.

As far as where to meet a good black man...um anywhere. Where would you meet a good white man, Hispanic man, etc?

 

Well this is just my opinion,

But how long are you making a man wait? You said the one guy pursued you for a month, Me (and probably him.) personally I think if you are not a virgin then your wait period should not be longer than a couple of weeks, three weeks at max.

Are you sending sexual signals? this happens alot.

And lastly are you sexually attracted to bm? As to why the real reason why you are not sexually engaged with them, even after a month.


If not to any of the above, then Im like everybody else, we are not all players, just gotta make sure they want what you want. :wink:

 

Basically, the second guy just really threw me as he was very educated. Raised by a single mom in with a couple of sisters. He persued me in that we met online, but as we are both professionals we struck up a conversation and he started emailing me from there. I tried to meet up with him when he first started emailing me, but he cancelled out before I could meet him. I then told him I was done and didn't call or email him. He kept emailing me from time to time just to say hi how's life. I told him if he wanted to be my friend to call me on the phone like a normal person as he had my cell number. So he called a few times and we talked. Did I flirt with him, yes, did I make the mistake of joking back with on about sex, yes. But I always, made it clear I would not be a hook up with him or anyone. I just was really hurt that someone who just wanted a hook up would pursue someone for that long.

Was I sexually attracted to him? OH yes, that's a definite and I would not have made him wait longer than a few weeks to get to know him in person before I would have gladly give him all the physically he wanted. I knew he was turned on as when he pulled me close to him I could feel how hard he was and then to say he just didn't feel anything than more than friends I just don't get. You can't fake being turned on.

I'm just trying to sort out where things went from a nice guy to just wants a hook up. And yes I would date a BM again as I found the two I met to be confident in themselves.

Once again I didn't mean to offend anyone. Just trying to figure out where things went wrong and how to go about not going down this road again.

 

Jenn,
I understand you in that I would not what to be just a sex toy but you have to know that this is par for the course in the dating game.

Look at it this way,
You did not do anything wrong but you have no control over other people and what they'll do.

Two guys down.
Millions to go.

You'll find someone but I do agree that you should make sure you're where you need to be before you look to add someone to your life.

 

Yah I just wouldn't waste any more time or energy on this. Lessons learned - take it for that.

Just because a guy gets turned on doesn't mean he's interested. Men can get turned on by women they don't find attractive. I wouldn't worry about what he thinks or said though. Obviously YOU are not interested in him based on the things he did and said - that's what really matters!

There is nothing wrong with flirting, talking about sex or whatever. Just be clear about what you want and don't worry about the bullshit.

I'll tell you - if you are going to do the dating thing...I think you need to not take things so personally...or seriously. Choose your boundaries and stick to them. This type of thing is really not worth investing any emotions in though. (I know we all have our moments and make our mistakes) Onward and upward!

The tough part about meeting someone online is that often times people do feel like they "know" each other more when they first meet too.

I just don't think that any of this really has anything to do with whether these men were black or not though.

 

The Attraction.........

-Knca


Exactly.That's the crux of the matter.I'm a black male ,close to your age, educated(which, I'm not sure why that would "throw you," regarding the second gentleman) and NOT a player.I just think you need to remove the racial component out of the equation all together.
Be open to the positive qualities you desire in a mate first, and then the rest will follow.Poor results with two gentleman in a row who happen to be black isn't indicative of anything.
Thanks and good luck.You sound nice.

 

You are from redneckville and most white men you run into make small talk about a state (steak??) dinner at the white house??? I did not know rednecks had that kind of connections.

As a black male, to be honest, your posts sends up way to many flags for me. You've been divorced for three years but haven't been able to find any WM to date. You flirted with the guys you met online about sex but you really didn't mean to have sex. You told a guy your size but HE must have mistaken what you said.

Game recognizes game. Whether you know it or not, you seem like someone who is also playing games. If they are educated like you say they are and have decent jobs, what could a white woman from redneckville offer those men??? Money, influence, let me think...SEX.

You sound a little to naive to be playing this online dating thing, you are eventually going to run into someone who is not going to take NO for an answer when it comes to sex. Especially if you flirted with him with it and he's spent time and money with you.

Dress up and go to a few line dances in redneckville or some other social activity where you can meet the men you are use to ( dinners at the white house). As a man, YOU come off to me as someone who plays games. The only reason I'd pursue someone like you would be for sex, hit it and quit it.

Just being honest.

 

OUCH gladiator! must you be so harsh on a newbie? ...i have watching this thread and now here is my .02 cents...the stats show that most women that are dating on-line have a tendency to sleep with a man on the first or second date...i think knca touched on this as well...when you spend time talking on the phone/emailing back and forth by the time you meet if there is any attraction it will more times than not turn physical...at 35 if you are looking to date without the intention of having a physical relationship with a man until 3-4 months down the road then it would be better to address this up front...hopefully you will connect with someone like minded...this has nothing to do with the color of a mans skin...and everything to do with human nature...you didn't say how long you were married but let's just say it was for the majority of your adult life...if this is the case what you need to know is that dating has changed...don't play games and talk about sex with a man if you plan to play coy when you meet...be honest...these guys might have thought you were playing them...just enjoying the attention without any plans to pursue a physical connection...

 

May sound harsh, but I wouldn't have said it better! Well said Glad!!!

 

Welcome Jenn! Everything seems to have been said already! Basically, the first guy sounds like a jerk and the second guy sounds immature. He was hurt because you wouldnt sleep with him so he decided to hurt you by saying you were not attractive to him.

I do have two questions:

1) Were you always attracted to black guys, but didnt date them because of social pressure?
2) What made you finally decide to date black guys?

 

Re: The Attraction.

hey... I really LIKE this. True 'nuff!

ditto. In my experience, it's about luck and timing. A long term on-off-on-again relationship just ended. And it was the right time to.
What's frustrating is when I meet someone who I truly feel comfortable and connect with and vice versa ... but it is for a moment and just the moment. It's not meant to last forever. These moments have to be treasured and enjoyed for what they are. Reminders that there are gems out there. I believe we meet people in our lives for a reason - either to learn about them, or to learn something about ourselves. Even if it's just to learn to be patient! :roll: At least while we wait for the one to come into our orbit. :wink:

 

I think you and JERM are way off here.

So a woman has to put out if you have to dress up and spend money on her? And there are a lot of guys who dont take "no" for an answer, regardless of where you meet them.

Even if she initially agreed to have sex with them, got a room, and took off her clothes...she still hasnt past some "point of no return" and can still say "no."

And as for what would a educated man what with a woman from "redneckville"?...doesnt that sound similar to "what would a WW want with any BM?"

 

:lol: let's get specific!