How Many Dates Before the First Sexual Encounter?

Folks, I went out last weekend with that lady I told you all I've been talking to recently and we're about to schedule our third date. We had lunch, then went for a nice, long walk in the park holding hands. I was wondering...does anyone think the third date would be too soon for our first sexual encounter? For our third date, I'm trying to see if we could go to the movies early in the afternoon, then dinner later, and dancing at night. I'd like it to be a long night of passion where I can once again hold her really tight and we could both rub our bodies against each other like on our first date.

However, here's my dilemma: I no longer have a car. I recently sold my car due to all the problems it's been causing and the trains stop running at about 11 p.m., which is when lounges and other spots start to get really packed and steamy. Based on how she's acting so far, it seems as if she's not yet feeling that comfortable enough to give me a ride back home to drop me off. On our first date, when I still had my car, I walked her to hers and she dropped me off at the parking lot where mine was parked.

At the same time though, I'm also worried that perhaps if there's no sexual intimacy between us at least by our third date, she may think there's no excitement and might choose to move on. Would it be inappropriate for me to whisper in her ear if we got to go out dancing at night this week, that I really would like to make love to her? Does anyone think such a comment might throw her off?

Either way, if I end up hanging out with her at night at this time when I no longer have a car, I'm going to need someone to give me a ride home. Unfortunately, I live with my older brother, so even if she would have liked to spend the night with me, (if she gave me a ride home) it's gonna be impossible. African culture stresses a lot on respect for older siblings, so it would be viewed as disrespectful for me to bring a girlfriend home and make out with her in my room when my older brother's at home and his room's just next to mine. Plus, he watches TV until very late in the night. Sometimes I'd come in from clubbing at 3 a.m. and I'd still hear him watching TV.

 

They say that Shaft is a bad mutha...

Couldn't resist. Anyway, I don't believe there is a formula for dating. If the groove hits you then go for it. It depends on your expectations after the love making is over. If your goal is to hit and quit it, then the third date is perfect. If that's your goal. If you want something that will last beyond a night of intimacy, I say listen to her body. Her body will tell you when it is ready to be touched. If she is very close to you and can't seem to keep her hands off of you, she may be ready. Just be real about your intentions.

Personally, I think saying "I want to make love to you" for the purpose of making love is a bit tacky. On the other hand, if you suggested that something she was doing was arousing your manhood then that's a bit more sensual and you may get a better response. In other words, suggest to her that her sexuality is turning you and and not that you've been turned on since you woke up that morning. The way she dances, the way she's dressed, the way she smells, etc. I believe both women and men are sexual beings (men more so, just my opinion) and both women and men like to feel sexual and sexually desirable. Tap into that and you may get the response that you are looking for.

The thing with your brother is a delimna. I'm not familiar with African culture and by no means do I want to disrespect your beliefs or ways. Have you thought of springing for a nice hotel? Nice not expensive. Having a first encounter in a hotel can be very romantic provided that you do it the right way. It can't be sleazy driving around looking for an open spot at 3:00 a.m. It takes planning and effort.

What I would do in your situation is tell her before hand that you are getting a hotel room close to the clubs. The trains stop at 11:00 and you don't want to leave the party early. You also don't want to put her out by asking her for a ride home. Check into the hotel (with her) that afternoon and spend the day together. Go shopping or go out to eat and bring your leftovers or bags back to the hotel. Before you go out, suggest that she leaves her purse or belongings in the room where they will be safe. Now at the end of the night she has to come back up to your room to retrieve her belongings. If she has been giving you the "vibe" all night, you now have a safe place to explore each other passionately and respectfully.
If she isn't feeling you at least you get a good night sleep without your brother's TV blaring all night.

Hope this helps and good luck!

 

Re:

Thanks, Tmass. I appreciate your feedback. The hotel thing sounds like a really good idea to me, but the only thing is I'm pretty sure she may feel uncomfortable about me bringing it up. She may actually decide to cancel our third date if I were to give her any hints that part of my aim is to have sex with her that night. It's tough. If she felt 100% comfortable with me, I'm sure she wouldn't mind taking me to her place...but I know she has two, other roommates-a gay male and another female. I've never really done the "hit and run" thing to a woman.

I've just never felt comfortable doing it and I'm not sure that I would think of doing it to this woman either. Yet again, I myself don't even really know exactly what she may be after, especially given the fact that one of her bestfriends was one of my older brother's girlfriends. She did tell me however, that although she and that former bestfriend still talk, they're not as close at all as they used to be.

 

Personally, I wouldn't feel comfortable to have sex in a hotel room. I think it's a great idea once you have been together for a while and want to do something special to break the "routine", but not for the first time, I would feel like the man is confusing me with a professional call-girl ...

Why don't you do it that way:
Get the hotel room, and give the key to your brother, so he can spend the night at a nice place while you invite her to your home, for a self cooked dinner for instance. Cook her a traditional African menue - that's delicious and it will certainly impress her. It also gives you the opportunity to talk a lot and to get to know eachother even better, something you can't do in the theater or in a noisy club. And then you can cuddle up on the couch for dessert ...

 

Now silvercosma that is excellent advise. Shaft when she wants it she will let you know take your time man.

 

Great idea Silver
Very classy. A definite win-win!

One more thing Shaft:
Ask yourself this question: Would you be comfortable asking this woman if she has ever had an STD? I use this as a guage of the comfort level I have with a woman. If I think I would be uncomfortable or she would be uncomfortable with the above question, then it's too soon to be naked togeter. Again, my humble opinion.

 

Re:

I agree. It may be too soon for a first sexual encounter. If not, I'd rather have her give me the green light. You never know if she may already be expecting me to suggest it. To the poster who suggested that my older brother spend the night at a hotel...trust me, according to African tradition, that's never going to happen. If he were younger than me by a few years, that could be plausible, although the answer would still most likely be "no." He's in his mid-thirties. That's just not gonna work. That's why I'm looking forward to hopefully soon getting my Master's degree so I could move into my own place, even if it's in a different city.

 

I had one years ago but I'd never tell a man. Only my family and close friends know, my husband doesn't know. He also doesn't know the amount of men I slept with or that I once gave it up to a gang banger on a rooftop in the Bronx. There are questions that you likely won't get a truthful answer to, and it's better that way - just my 2 cents. The past has nothing to do with the present. Hell, I tried to share with my husband how I was cracking on the picture of my first crush on classmates.com (he grew up to be let's say not good looking at all to me), and he said he doesn't want to hear about my exes. :shock: The boy wasn't my ex, I just had a crush on him, we hardly ever spoke. After that, to tell him about an STD? Hell to the no.

 

I see you, Shaft and i know where you're coming from. I understand that the first few dates could make or break your relationships and therefore tends to bring out some unnerving moments in an individual but i'd advise you to be very calm about the whole thing. As someone who's had sex on the second date, i certainly do not think that sexual intimacy on the second and third dates is a bad idea as long as it is not the focal point of the rendezvous. A lot of people tend to assume that since they are thinking about sex or something of such an intricate nature, then the other party is as well. Far from that. Whilst there might be signs that might make you assume such, it could just be one of those things that people do on dates and might not be very indicative of a desire for sex. Intimacy, however, is not a bad idea for me.

Seeing as you said that you are about to go for your third date and you've expressed the heartaches you immobility is causing, i'd suggest you do not actually ask her to give you rides nor should you receive an offer for one. You guys are just getting to know each other and even so, i'd understand if the lady is still a little bit reluctant to give you rides as she does not know you very well. People are different, however. For example, when myself and my fiancee initially met, by the time we'd been going for about a month, we'd been giving each other rides and using each other's cars. People have different adaptation processes. Because she's that way would not mean i'd assume every woman is that way.

Going back to sexual intimacy. It is something that you have got to handle with care. If you over-express it, you might seem a bit desperate for some nookie :lol: and she might think you just wanna get in, get off and get out. If you do not even hint at it, she might think that you might be losing interest so you gotta be careful. You could touch her in certain places but i do not exactly think it is the time to hold hands. Hey, i am only stating my opinion; you do not have to take it but i am telling as i would do. Since you guys are on the third date, any kind of touch should show just platonic friendship as opposed to any kind of intimacy since she might not be comfortable with it just yet.

If you wanna hang out with her, i suggest you get someone to come and pick you up or find you a cab. Please do not ask her to drop you off nor accept an offer for a ride. I understand the way us Africans can be at times :lol: Hell, my parents did not let myself and Eva sleep in the same darn room whenever we came over until i fully proposed to her. They believe that you should not even pass the night in a man or woman's house unless they are your husband/wife or are going to be. :lol: I am aware of the presence of the culture and would not advise you to do anything wrong so just keep it cool.

 

Mos,
I agree. I merely implied that if the topic of conversation is uncomfortable then you shouldn't be sleeping with that person. I too believe that some questions are left unasked lest they be answered. I've never asked a woman how many men she's slept with; I'm just happy I'm sleeping with her now.
I do think it's relevant if my partner has an STD that is a. current or b. uncurable.
I use the question as a test for comfort zone. It never has been a problem for me. Either a woman will tell me yes, I had one when I was younger or no, I've never had one or I can't believe you asked me that. Either way it starts the conversation and based on her level of comfort I can gauge whether or not we should even go there.

 

I know, but it's just such a terribly unromantic thing to say to a woman! I honestly don't think you can really believe anything your partner tells you about their past. Even the story of their breakup - it's just one person's side of the story, isn't it? I say, don't ask and don't tell. But you better make damn sure you do right by this person here now! My husband and I had a hilarious conversation once when we just started dating. We were sitting on the sofa in dimmed light, and he said with passion: "I know - I can tell! - that you're not the kind of girl who will go with just anybody!" I thought to myself, "umm... don't be so sure...". He paused for a second, then said "...right?" and I was quiet. :lol: He asked again, "right???" and I said, "you know sometimes things happen not the way you want them to..." He was quiet. :lol: He didn't bring that subject up anymore.

And I've gotta give him credit - he never once questioned me about my romantic past. But, whenever an ex called to say happy birthday or I even mentioned someone's name, he wouldn't take it lightly. So between us it's "don't ask, don't tell and don't do your partner wrong". I've read a very smart phrase by another lady who wrote "I'm not going to brag about having a good husband because with men you never know what's going to happen, but from what I see so far, he's good." I cosign.

 

For me, a third date is waayyyy too soon to have sex with someone. But that's just me personally. I don't think you can put a time frame on when it is right to have sex. Both people have to be ready. If you want it on the third date and she's not feelin' it, then just wait till she's ready. You just have to be patient.

 

My guy friends agreed that the 3rd date is a make or break

 

Re:

bosoxlady wrote:

"My guy friends agreed that the 3rd date is a make or break."

You see...that's exactly why I wrote this post. But hey, well...if the lady doesn't think she feels that comfortable with me yet (afterall, she doesn't even feel comfortable giving me a ride to the train station after our date or dropping me off) there's really nothing I can do. I just hope she doesn't accuse me at some point soon of "not being aggressive enough sexually." It can't just be mere hand-holding and cheek-kissing and long walks and lunches and dinners all the time. At some point, there's got to be a little more touch and feel.

 

Man don't believe none of that third date crap. I say take your time and go at your own pace get to know her more.

 

I think it depends on age...

by the third date, if a guy did't make a move, I'd be wondering what the problem was..

but Im not 20 any more..

 

Re:

I hear you, Qsassy. In my case and in general, if the woman isn't giving the man much of a chance to initiate that move toward love making at least by the third date, there's not much he can do. I'm not sure how much longer she feels she may need to take to get more comfortable with me. I'm not one to force people into doing things that they don't want to do.

The odds aren't in my favor either way. She doesn't feel comfortable taking me to her home and I live with my older brother, and I'm sure those of you who read my first post on this topic could remember I mentioned the cultural and traditional issues involved with me bringing a woman home and attempting to make love to her when my older brother's right there. I just hope she doesn't leave after the third date thinking I was silly for not trying to initiate love making. I need to get a positive vibe of some sort before I could attempt steering in that direction.

 

What you need to do is at least try hee hee :wink:

 

I agree.. if a guy never makes a move.. well.. by now, she must not be the type to initiate something either....

 

well, some ppl like to take their time, get to know a partner better...after three dates maybe some ppl just don`t feel very comfortable yet!!!
ok, I know we are in the 21st century where everything has to go faaaaast...