Hosts of Guys We F*****D Podcast Catching Heat

We are discussing two different things. You do learn a lot about "yourself" when your back is against the wall. But, when dating "someone else" you find out who they truly are at their best. Are they rude? stuck up? cruel? You can't really know until they are at their most powerful. There is definitely something to learn in both scenarios. But, in my experience, a person can seem kind because they need something from you (back against the wall in their personal lives). Once they become self sufficient and no longer need it, either they appreciate what you did for them and continue to treat you well, or they treat you like crap. I agree with what you said, but it depends on the scenario. I hope this makes more sense.

 

It did the first time. I guess both can be true just a matter of personal experience I suppose.

 

Agreed

People make everything more difficult than it is. Instead of just marrying the type of dude she wanted, she has now brought him into her conflicted world.

Now what he has is a ticking time bomb of unnecessary problems and misery that he didn't ask for. All of the challenges of moving to a new country, learning another language, working hard in school learning how to read schematics, break down logic and solve differential equations, busting ass on a new job, Just so someone can drag him down in the misery that he worked so hard to avoid. Damn shame, but picking a woman ultimately comes down to playing the odds.

 

That only happens within the rules of attraction. Rules separate things like that. The life you want to live is an environment and that environment attracts the partner and people you attract.

 

In other words she wants someone that acts street but she doesn't want the circumstances that comes with that mentality, so she decided to make it someone else problem.

 

If her friend cheats, she will blame her husband for __________ fill in the blank which caused her to cheat. She will also blame the man she cheats with for seducing her (even if she approached him). And will only feel badly if she is caught. The reality is that cheaters/hypergamists are only concerned with themselves and are often unable to hold themselves accountable for their own choices. I feel bad for her husband and any man she might approach in the future.

 

Couldn't agree more. I feel bad for dude too. Theres enough people that like drama that she could have married instead .

people who love drama should at least marry within themselves and let others share their happiness with someone that actually appreciates it.

 

I think there is definitely something to it. For many it's more like around 10 years and then again when the kids are grown. I think the first has a lot to do with that's usually around the time period that you've had the kids and everything has gone down that road and there's a lot of things that have changed and it's easy to disconnect. Careers, kids, etc. It takes effort to reconnect.

 

This is a really good point. However, I think that you do actually learn a lot about others when they are down too. Desperate people do desperate things. While some may become kind, etc many do just the opposite and throw people under the bus, sell out, and all sorts of things. I think it's best if you are able to see someone at their best and their worst.

 

Nah, I wouldn’t say time bomb that wants to drag him into misery lol. She loves him and wants to continue to be married to him. Like TDK said before, people don’t always marry the person they felt most attracted to physically. The guy she dated before ended up calling her from deportation camp in England one day because he didn’t have papers and lied to her about a lot of things. They sent him back to Nigeria. The other thing you have to understand is that we don’t have the same selection of bm like women in the US do. So she except she had been living in close proximity to a US army base finding her exact type wasn’t easy, and even then most American soldiers just want to have fun abroad and not get married. She could have also married a German man. That would have still been further away from her type.
We said before that one has to be an adult and value the good qualities someone has to offer rather than marrying into a lot of drama. So that is what my friend did, but deciding for something is also deciding against something else. That’s where you need to set the boundaries and avoid having too much contact with someone who could be a genuine temptation for you.

 

She doesn’t like drama. That’s why she didn’t marry any of the dramaticians. She had had such relationships before and came to the wise realisation that she couldn’t build the kind of life she wanted with them. I didn’t also say that she doesn’t love her husband.

 

All those things are valid plus some other issues that came up during the time we were having a distance relationship. Haven’t got to 10 years though, this is the 8th year now.

 

No that’s not the kind of person she is. If she cheated, which I strongly believe she won’t, she’d beat herself up over it and do everything to fix her marriage.

 

It's one thing not to marry the person you are most attracted to, and another thing to marry someone who is not your type. To still lust and desire for the desired type after marriage is different than making a wise decision and moving on. If her type was not available, it's still no excuse to bring him into it.
I've had women tell me before that they usually go for a different type than me, maybe darker or shorter, but they clearly expressed that they were very much attracted to me; therefore, It wasn't an issue. Did she ever disclose anything to him? I bet not.

Make no mistake, there is nothing wrong with liking drama, I just don't understand why people have a need to bring unwilling participants into it. What's so hard about keeping it on the right side of the fence?

 

I don't know about Madeleine's friend. I can just say that I certainly do know of situations where the one for whom the other was not their type has been disclosed it. Some people are ok with that.

When I was 25 I married a man who was not my type at all. I was very upfront with it. He was ok with it. I moved on with him and I wasn't lusting after anyone else. We were together for 17 years. It worked well in several areas. While I cared about him, appreciated him, respected him, and so on, no deep attraction/passion ever developed. It wasn't for lack of trying. We did well together in terms of parenting and business. When it came to what I really needed personally (not talking about just sex), not so much. I think this happens a lot and may be why so many people split once the kids are a certain age. Maybe they didn't have the bond they needed with each other as a man and a woman vs the bond of parenting together, or whatever else.

My daughter was with a guy for a couple of years and something was missing. She thought it might develop over time, she was clear with him about things. He wanted to be with her anyway. They got engaged. She ended up breaking it off.

There's a difference between the situations you described with women you've known. They were still attracted to you, you just weren't their typical physical type. That's different than being with someone who really doesn't do it for you.

 

You're assuming the other person doesn't want to be brought into it. Whereas, there are plenty who do.

Look at how many people go for real drama, who continue to go for people who do all sorts of crazy things. The crazier the better.

I get it may be hard to understand, but there certainly are a LOT of people who go for the crazy shit. Why would it be any different for those who are cool with being with someone who they don't really do it for? Everyone has their own insecurities and feelings about themselves. People have different motivating factors and are willing to compromise and sacrifice in different ways. I think you kindof have to be blind to not see if you don't really do it for someone. People all have times when they have gone against their own instincts, for whatever reasons.

 

Interesting point @ the bolded. I wouldn't know, I don't go where there is no spark. Yeah, I know there are plenty of people that like drama, that's why I don't understand why they often involve people who don't need that crap. Maybe a challenge for them? The thought of it is nauseating.

As far as that guy, you'd have to assume something. In any situation, I'd rather error on the side of caution than assume someone wants a load of bullshit.

 

@K @Beasty
They are very compatible in every other area of life. Emotionally, spiritually, life goals, childrearing, humour whatever. They love and appreciate each other. She isn’t actively looking for someone else and has no intention of cheating. However she has a very bubbly extroverted personality so she generally draws s lot of people to herself including men and really enjoys new and old friendships and this is where she needs to draw a line to not unnecessarily tempt herself (she understands that and is taking steps to do so). They do not have a drama filled life. She knows fully well that she decided to marry somebody with a roundish belly and not a sixpack, with professional style and not street style and African accent not American accent and is willing to take it as part of the overall package. He knows that he is not his wife’s ideal in terms of looks but also knows that she loves him and that in every other area of life he has way more to offer than any of her former boyfriends ever had. He also isn’t an insecure person.

There are a lot of men who say they are into Russian models with the accent and the looks. Most of them will end up marrying the next door type of woman who doesn’t have the exotic accent and not the model shape either. Doesn’t mean they will lead unhappy lives.

 

This is very important! Fulfilment in a relationship comes from a combination of factors, not just one. If someone isn’t your type superficially but you are willing to look beyond it you can still have a satisfying relationship with that person. Like @K said people compromising on different things depending on their overall life goals.

 

That's cool that she was upfront about "something being missing" lol @ him wanting to be with her anyway.

I've been told that once long ago by someone I dated off and on for a few years. It wasn't an attraction issue. (She was even more sexually aggressive than I was) I asked what was it. She said "we don't finish each other's sentences"

I canned her a week later. Lol

Wasn't gonna scratch my head over it. Now that I think about it that was the last bw I was ever with.

Dumping her was the best decision. Later I found out that I simply don't get along with 90 percent of people with sj in their mbti cognition. I don't even like working with them either.

By holding on, often times people delay the inevitable.