Hmm...is this a common thing with white women?

Hi guys,

I have an situation I'd like to get some opinions on. I met this girl on Yahoo and things seemed good as we talked..for about a week or so before we hung out..we hung out at my place. I initiated the physical by kissing her and we proceeded to make out. Didn't go further because she wasn't feeling well. The 2nd time we hung out was at a show where I initiated contact by kissing/handholding etc. She was...seemingly receptive to all of it. The third time I we hung out I went to kiss her and she sort of turned her head. which weirded me out and kinda messed up the vibe for me..although we did kinda cuddle up while we were hanging out. She is a WW that exclusively dates BM, and she mentioned to me that she had been in an abusive relationship with her ex (he went to jail for trying to kill her) and she seems very passive/submissive.

She mentioned things like "you don't like me" or "you don't think I'm sexy" on numerous occasions where it's an issue where I've clearly made my interest known on a physical level and even telling her...and I get things back about being friends and what not..I'm clear and expressive enough and told her I wasn't looking for a friend and was looking for a situation with potential...and if thats not the case I have to look elsewhere..she seemed to take this hard and was really pushing to stay in the picture and even responded by saying "You can look elsewhere I won't be jealous."

I can see that obviously her perceptions of attraction and love are warped by her past abusive relationships and the guys she's been with being extremely aggressive. I'm wondering if it's worth it even trying to convince her that she can be liked/found attractive/possibly loved without being dominated and abused..or just look for a different situation...I like the girl..but I can't deal with alot of BS.

 

Hi Jetset, regarding the title of your thread, no it's not common with ww. Maybe with abused women....

Although I am not a psychologist, I would suspect that a relationship with her may be challenging and likely drama-filled. If you are a fix-it kinda guy, she might be a good match. But your post has sent off alarm bells for me regarding her stability and if I were faced with a person like that, my first thought is - "you need a counsellor honey" (to the woman in question).

 

I agree. She really needs to see a psychologist (not a counsellor) to help her deal with this. It's my opinion, based on limited info, that she's not ready for ANY relationship at all. She needs to get this stuff sorted out first.
If you wanted to help, before you left for greener pastures, you could be the pushy one who gets her that first appointment to see someone. But don't feel the need to stay with her, even if she wants you to. Get her in the door (if you want to) and close it behind you. Let her sort her shit out first. This isn't something you have to deal with.


And NO...absolutely NO. This is NOT a common thing with white women.

 

Nothing to do with skin color whatsoever - but rather her experiences.

Sounds like she needs genuine councelling wheter you stay with her or not.

 

Not a common thing with white women. This is why I don't date the "black men exclusively" type. Run away fast.

 

What they said.

Do you know how long ago the relationship ended? Not that it matters how long she's been single, but she really, really, really needs therapy. She is most definitely not ready for a relationship. She has to do some serious introspection.

Also, you could be the one that gently suggests therapy, or find someone close to her to urge her to go. Ultimately, she has to be the one that realizes that she needs the therapy. And since you don't really know her well, pushing her through that door might be too much for her, but you can bring it up in a compassionate way if the situation allows for that to be brought up.

Good luck!

 

:sad:

I know she was abused and all, but something sounds really off. Her tug of war back and forth with you doesn't sound solely indicative of abuse to me, I think she's insecure and possibly playing games. Yes, she has been abused, but you've shown her that you're a gentleman. She also might not be used to being treated well and isn't sure of your intentions.

 

there are several red flags here...a laundry list of hurdles...expectations...stereotypes...if she is thinking that because you are a bm that you will treat her like all the other bm she has been with then that is going to be a problem...it's more than just the abuse and i hate to say it but sometimes the abuse card gets played for sympathy...in her own insecurity she tells you about the abuse looking for you to fix her life...i think it is admirable for you to want to be a friend and i know some others have suggested that you help her seek counseling...bottomline, she needs to seek that on her own when she is ready...lippy's advice is make a clean break on this one and chalk it up to experience...you sound like a decent man and this relationship is just riddled with issues...get out while the getting is good:smt045

 

Absolutely agree with the other responses you've received, this has nothing to do with her being a WW. But it may not have as much to do with past abuse either. She may legitimately just like you as a friend, as in enjoy your company but she doesn't feel sexually attracted to you. Perhaps that's why she shies away from more intimate contact. Sex for most women is something that they don't want to have with every attractive man they know, they either feel you or they don't. Sounds like she doesn't. That's not a reflection on either of you, sometimes there's just no chemistry, and while that may not matter as much to a man, for a woman it's likely going to matter a lot if sex is involved.

 

So I guess I should have rephrased the quote to reflect if it was an abuse issue. Well, I'm happy to her that it wasn't me going crazy lol. In regards to her attraction. It's sort of hard to say as shes called me sexy and we have that flirty vibe, and she was receptive to the moves I've made so far. It's just an issue of if she relates being dominated to feeling attractive. I feel i've been assertive enough, but if she has some fucked up view of all bm fulfilling some sort of rape fantasy then frankly thats disrespectful to me as a bm...but I do get get feeling that I'd like to show hew she can be liked without being smacked up...

 

Im not sure why you even stated ww in the beginning and now Im confused about your "rape fantasy" comment... Now Im wondering if you meant if its common for ww to have some sort of "rape fantasy" about bm?

I surely hope not because you would be on a wildly wrong path.. but good for you if you want to show her she can be liked in the correct way of the word if she has had a bad experience.

 

I don't think she's looking at it as some rape fantasy. You stated that she has had a very bad relationship with her ex, who happens to be a BM. She might have a skewed perception of someone being dominant as being attractive, but that doesn't equate to rape. Maybe that's what attracted her to her ex (being dominant), but she definitely didn't ask for the end result, hence choosing a bad man.

If she's dated BM exclusively, I don't think this is a racial issue. I think it's her choosing the wrong type of man issue.

 

I appreciate the responses. I guess it's just an issue of if I should stick around and see what could happen if she equates all black men to being extremely aggressive and that's the only way she sees someone being attracted to her..

 

If she dates exclusively BM, then I don't think that's how she sees it. This could play out in same manner if she dated WM. I think something attracts her to that type of man.

 

I would say it's more to do with the fact she has had a rough time in previous relationships, than the fact she is White..

 

A man who beats a woman is a bully, bullies are very good at picking out the types of people who will put up with that kind of crap, and those people who will allow someone to treat them like that tend to be running really low on self-esteem, which also makes them easy to spot. More than likely, and this is just my opinion, that's why some women end up in one dysfunctional relationship after another. That's not something unique to WW, it's all women. To allow anyone to abuse you requires that you either believe you have done something to deserve it, or that you aren't worth being treated any better. At the point you realize neither of those things is true, you're not going to put up with it any longer. Clearly the woman you are involved with got out of the bad relationship, I would think this indicates she knows she doesn't have to tolerate that. She likely doesn't equate all black men with being aggressive and abusive, but it may well be she thinks that about all men in general if that's the only type of man she's known. Changing that perception will require consistent and long-term exposure to men, or a man, that's not like that. You simply cannot undo damage like that overnight. Counseling would likely be very beneficial for her, and if you intend to continue to pursue a relationship with her your participation would probably be beneficial to you both.

 

Thanks Epsy that was extremely insightful

 

Anytime sugar, best of luck with your lady. She's fortunate to have someone who is actually willing to consider giving it a try, most people don't want to bother with someone that's less than perfect.

 

Less than perfect, sure. Weirdo with ex issues, no thanks

 

Ah now Karma, everything is subjective you know. You'd have to define 'perfect', 'weirdo', and 'ex issues' before your comment could be interpreted accurately. It takes a lot for me to classify anyone as a 'weirdo' and pretty much everyone who has been divorced might have some type of 'ex issues'. Now if by 'ex issues' you mean something the ex did that would lead a woman to label all men similarly, then I'm with you on that one. Everyone should get their own clean slate to screw up all by themselves. Judging anyone because of someone else's shortcomings is never appropriate.