Help needed.

Hi all

I've been out of the dating game for a while now and want to get back out there.
I am quite shy so it's hard for me to approach a guy and start a conversation, do you guys have any tips for me to get over the shyness?
Second question, how do i distinguish between guys who want a realationship as oppossed to someone who is just looking for a bit of fun?

 

Use what you know, so if you are shy, then straight out tell him. I have used that in the past, "I can be rather shy so this is out of the usual for me, but can I give you my number, and if you are interested then give me a call."

Then when he calls and after the usual questions, ask him if he is in that part of his life to settle down or just date around. The last guy I dated was honest and told me he doesn't do well in relationships, although I think he was really trying he was RIGHT ;p

BESIDES,,,, you are too beautiful to sit and wait for it to happen for you, get out there and push your limits in regards to your shyness. The right guy will find your shyness cute and attractive. In my opinion anyway.

P.s. You could always try online dating sites, atleast that gives you the option to find out a bit more about them before you actually have to meet them.

 

a friend of mine is a ladies man , and i got to see him work . man, is he good.
he usually starts out with a light compliment . and does a little small talk .then says gotta go and hands them a business card .
with phone number and email . this is great cause it leaves it open . you don't have to feel rejected .(ok, every now and then his business card gets rejected)
its usually goes like this " wow you have beautiful eyes ,where you from ?
are you a model or something ,actress? well i'm in the film industry ,here's my card ,hit me up sometime .
with you ,think of some profession or something you do , get a business card. or label yourself a networker . get your cards .
you see a guy you like (example " first make eye contact to see if you get a good vibe. then walk up to him .wow ,nice jordans ...with a big smile)
what model are they? kinda lost track of the different models.where"d you get them? well i'm lil 'mama i like networking and I give german language lessons .here's my card , take care ,bye.
He knows what just happen , if he is interested he will email or call you.
But i don't really recommend women making the first move (unless the guy is shy and you know he likes you ) . Because men are not use to saying no when a woman makes sexual advances towards them. A guy who is not into you will say yes if you ask him out . my advice is to let him know you like him ,if you talk a little ,he seems interested ,but doesn't do anything ,you could give him your card.

 

I myself i'm kinda shy , a bit of a loner . my problem is not about getting dates
(i'm big ,tall and handsome......i've been told this many times ) my problem is what will i do after getting a date ? i'm just not that fun .and i don't talk that much . The whole talking on the phone thing ,i don't get it .don't know still working on it.

 

Mama, if that's you on the avatar, you shouldn't have any problems what so ever! Just go with the flow.

 

Not true, you sound very interesting. Your post/tips about your friend was very informative...I think you would make great conversation because your perceptions of things is very astute. As for the phone, all you need is the right woman to bring out the conversation in you.

 

Treat a guy like a long time friend... A simple "Hey how you doing?" with a big warm inviting smile can spark a nice invigorating conversation. As Curly said, just ask them straight up if they want a relationship on not...I would still be on my guard if he says relationship because men will lie about almost anything to get to the honey pot so keep a look out for them red flags.

I wish you nothing but success and have fun with it.

 

Hmm... so you are shy to approach a guy you find attractive. You don't want to get hurt if he is not in it for the long term. So you are looking for a lasting relationship.

My advice is that you get his attention by simply smiling but do not make the first move for conversation. If your avatar is really what you look like then you already have a killer smile which no doubt will get more attention than a worm on a fish line thrown into the fishing waters. He will approach you if he is interested in your smile. If he is shy he will be noticeably clumsy and awkward around you. He may be afraid to make any move or have no confidence in himself for whatever the reason may be.

Yes, he could approach you because he might think its no problem for him to talk to you since you smiled at him. He may only be interested in a one night stand and nothing more.

When he talks to you its your time to figure him out. Meaning... get some solid information about him and his lifestyle. WHO IS THIS GUY YOU ARE ATTRACTED TOO? A serial killer, a man who supports family values, a man with good morals, etc....????

You have to KNOW WHAT YOU WANT in a relationship FIRST before you even attempt to go back into the dating game. What kind of man are you looking for?? One who you have to baby sit or not??

Looking at your posts in this forum Im sure that you can do your homework and think of some questions you would like to ask a man you are interested in.

Over time you can test his answers. Dont just believe everything any man says about himself or his plans or expectations.

Beware of those men who talk bad about their X. I would recommend not to even go that route. An old game men play where YOU are the better woman!! Dont say I didnt warm you!!! smile.

 

the first question is the million dollar question for every man. you dont know how many women have been extremely mean toward dudes approaches...sometimes warranted or unwarranted. for the most part if a woman approaches a dude he will be flattered because it rarely happens. just dont be thirsty about it.

2nd question is the million dollar question for women. you just have to listen and watch his behavior. I would ask opened ended questions that indirectly ask that question after a couple of dates.

 

very good statement.

 

you have to develop a third eye to deal with people. they are very deceptive whether they mean to be or not

 

THATS WACK!

I think this is a terrible idea. Someone has actually done this to me before and I thought it was arrogant and TACKY. Even if the guy (or girl) ISN'T interested in monogamy at the time this just shows a sort of... "i hit on people all the time, SO MUCH SO that I had to make a biz card as to make it less exerting for myself". Even if the guy seemed intriguing I don't think one could help but wonder how many of those cards had been passed out. Nah.

 

Well, firstly, a lot of guys like cute shy girls like you. Have confidence in that! Make sure to notice your body language, too. Be approachable... sit facing the room, keep your head up, make eye contact with people, SMILE, show confidence. If you try to look and feel your best when you go out it will help give off a confident vibe.

As far as approaching people yourself... I wouldn't really go into any first time encounter with someone wondering if they're going to be my next long term relationship. Just be friendly and casual! Wait to talk about serious stuff once you decide if you even like the fool. Like goodlove said in his post.. I think any guy would be flattered to be approached by a good looking woman. It doesn't happen often.

My third piece of advice is to pick up smoking. Thats ALWAYS an excuse to strike conversation......... just kidding? 8)

 

How different is a business card to an online ad on a dating site?

At least his friend is allowing the recipient to get a vibe and feel from the git-go.

I personally think its a great idea and I don't think it stems from laziness..some disinterested women may just not want him to "take the time" to lay it on thick if he likes her...and the business card allows him to give her the space to decide. Not like the card says:

I'd take a (normal) biz card without hesitation, even if I wasn't sure, just because I might consider it at a later time.

 

I think a business card at times can be sort of sleazy, but that has more to do with the man, and the situation and not w the b-card per se.

 

Yeah, I agree.

Here's what sometimes happens to me though:

A guy might start to small talk say in a cafe while we wait for our lunch orders, and he will then say because of time constraints... "Sooo are you single?, can I get your number, can I give you mine?" etc,..and that puts me in an awkward position to a.) decide right there about giving him my # and b.) be put on the spot in public about my personal life. I'd much rather he say.."Hey, I liked chatting with you, can I give you my bus card, maybe we can network, chat some more small-talk, on your time? etc.

A card isn't for every situation (like a bar), but for some scenarios it works great, I would think.

 

My advice... Don't approach people in the hopes of a committed relationship. Approach people as a potential friend. Are you shy in regards to making friends? If not, then this shouldn't be a problem. I can assume some people get lonely so, wanting to approach people specifically for dating purposes is understandable. However, it can be problematic. I think the most important thing is to develop friendships as well as developing a circle of friends that are like-minded. This increases your chances of finding a suitable partner. A potential mate that happens to be a perfect stranger can have a world of issues that he may be hiding. However, a friend you already know about and have developed a way of communicating over time that is specific to the two of you. So, my suggestion is to look for a few new male friends and then go from there.

 

Curious: How does a woman "befriend" a man she finds attractive? Are most men looking for female friendship? Don't guys say all the time..that no guy is really "friends' with a woman, he's just chilling waiting for the cake to rise, etc.

 

It depends on where you make friends. If you are making friends at a club then I am pretty sure he is looking for sex. However, I have made many friends just randomly meeting people in shops or in bookstores. I can't speak for "most men" as I am sure each is different. I am trying to explain that if you venture to make a better circle of friends (friends with goals, or that are generally successful), you will find a better partner. Not necessarily dating them, but people that are associated with that crowd. I didn't clarify very well and I apologize for that.

I am not trying to advocate the idea of meeting men for friendship in the hopes of later dating them (That is wrong and deceptive). I am trying to advocate the idea of creating a better "circle of friends". This will help create a better dating environment if you surround yourself with a healthy set of successful friends. In addition, looking to make friends instead of looking for a "man" makes it easier to get past shyness. You will become more accustomed to talking to other successful people and in time may find a suitable partner. Also, if your friendship does turn into a relationship out of sheer coincidence then you know them inside and out and need not fear the lies that people often tell. I apologize for the confusion.

 

No, your scenarios and explanations make absolute sense, believe me. I think common interests that are shared and explored without the pressure of romance are the best preliminaries to relationships.

It's just hard in general for a woman who is looking to date again (like Mama is) tp know if the person she is "befriending" really wants to be and isn't playing along - and thus still have a world of issues that he may be hiding.

Nonetheless, great advice overall, especially the shyness part (that's me)...the only roadblock I see Mama might have is that in Australia, it's tough to find and date Black men period, due to the lack of numbers. You really aren't exposed to them in common everyday interest scenarios like you would be here in the beautiful USA!