Help...Insecure/Jealous White Woman!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm pretty new to this site and I'm sure this has been covered but I need help! My WW is crazy-jealous! She goes through my phone, car, and email looking for proof that I'm cheating on her. She once drove an hour to my job to make sure I was at work! The only thing I have done is have a few (very few) platonic coversations with women who have been out of the picture for years. I will admit I can be a little distant at times, but with school and work, my plate is full! As a BM who once lived in NYC, generalizing goes against my personal beliefs (more than once I have been told that I fit the description...) but is this how WW are that date BM? This is the third WW I have dated that has been insanely jealous. Is it me...and most important how do I stop this cycle???

 

welcome jellybird...this is just my .02 cents...this has happened to you not just once, twice but three times...that tells me that there is a cycle of either the type of woman you attract/or are attracted to...something tells me you like having a jealous woman...if she weren't jealous it may not stack up as her being as interested in you as you would like...do you say things that bait her into being jealous...do you make her feel safe/secure? or do you enjoy that she is on the edge most of the time...or you just too damn cute for your own good? that even when she is with you the women are falling at your feet...did you cheat in the past? with her on someone else...do your relationships lap over one another?

is there more to your story?

 

Welcome

Yah I would have to agree with lipstick on this.

It's always interesting to me when someone talks about not going for drama in life yet they seem to keep getting into dramatic situations.

Here's the other possibility...maybe the jealousy has to do with what she's up to in her life. I've found that those who are jealous are often up to something themselves. If not, they are very insecure and have issues they need to work out...you can't do it for them. However, you do have control over who you choose.

 

Conversations.

:? People continue to attract what they think internally, as it comes back a condition in objective reality. It's not some random accident that you perpetually attract "jealous women."
Welcome to the forum, it's always nice seeing another poster.

 

I agree - you will keep attracting the same type of person until you put out a different vibe. I actually have the opposite problem; I tend to attract men that never get jealous - even if they are actually watching another man hit on me! No, they weren't cuckolds :wink: but it is nice to get that happy medium. In the past I had a tendency to send out vibes stating that "I need my space" so it made sense that I got what I asked for. What are you doing (verbally or non verbally) to ask for these types of women?

 

Thanks ladies. But I don't think it's the type of women I attract or I'm attracted to because they don't start out that way. Things usually get wacky around the one year mark. That's arond the time the start to get clingy...try to nail down my patterns/routes ("Why did it take you an hour to get here when usually it only takes you only 30 minutes?")...or start making these long term plans (moving in together or moving away together.
(sorry this is so long...)
Could it be age related? I'm 35 and the WW I have dated were around 30, 35, and 45. But I thought women became MORE secure as they got older? (I ruled out biological clocks because two of them had kids.) Plese say it's not me but them, and how do I fix them (sic)? But really, who wants to be told the are "relationship disfunctional?"

 

OK, I apologize in advance for playing devil's advocatge :twisted: :wink:

But really, there has to be some common denominator. Whether it is the type you are consciously or subconsciously going for, there has to be a factor that is causing this to become a pattern in your life. Who knows, if you live in a smaller community, it could be as simple as the type of ww who are in the town you live in.

But whatever it is, like you said "things get wacky around the one year mark." If that is true, I suggest looking back to what was going on with the women you were around at that that one year mark as well as what was going on with you internally or externally around that time.

OK, enough psychobabble But really, when we have patterns form that we are not happy with, I think it is a good idea to look into the factors that cause that dynamic to continue.

 

so if i tell you it's them and not you...is that somehow going to make you feel better? LOL...it's not just the biological clock that ticks after a year it's the am i wasting my time with this man clock that ticks so loudly...i don't think it's unusual for a woman to want to know where you stand after a year has gone by...35+ women if they stay with you a year are looking for you to commit to the relationship...period...end of story...please tell me that you knew this and it just slipped your mind...it's not jealousy...it is hurry up damn it and tell me you love me and that you want to spend the rest of your life with me...LMFAO :smt024

 

Well said, lipstick! lol

 

Wow, talking about having an epiphany! The one common denominator was that all of these WW were in love with me and definitely were looking for something long-term. (But, the question has to be asked, just because you want a long-term commitment, does that give you the right to become jealous and clingy, and go through your boyfriend's phone and email?) I have always been a play-it-by-ear kinda guy and I don't know my plans for the weekend, let alone looking down the road with a significant other. Right now my focus is on graduating, period! Thank you, lipstick!

I guess the only question now is are there any WW over the age of 30 available for BM who don't have an itchy ring finger?

 

yes, we do have the right to be jealous and clingy...play it by ear is fine just tell me you love me and that everything is going to be fine...if you don't have anything to hide then i won't find anything in your email/phone...right?

to answer your question, yes...i will wear the rock on the other hand...if anyone asks i'll say we aren't married but i was worth the rock and you are mine...how does that sound?

 

I don't think there is anything wrong with where you are at or what you are wanting...as long as you are really clear with the women about it. If you aren't looking for a long term relationship - then tell them that.

There are plenty of women who are not wanting to get married or live with someone. But maybe it has more to do with if you are being straight about things or not. If you tell them up front this is how it is and they have some sort of thing going on where they think they'll make you change...well that's their problem. But yah I would say you proved what everyone has said - you are picking women who are this way...as in they are wanting a long term relationship. Find women who don't.

But then I would wonder....can you deal with if they are the same way you are? What if they are play it by ear and take longer to do this or that? And are you going to be into the women who aren't wanting long term relationships?

You may want to take a look at if you started pulling away at the year mark too. It could be that you have your own fears about long term situations and start pulling away around that time and then they feel insecure and start trying to push something. Still not saying it's ok. But if you are creating this situation where they are thinking it's going to be more than it is and you are not being straight up with it...well then you would need to take responsibility there.

I would never say it's ok for someone to go through someone else's things. Have you done things to make them question you? Personally...I wouldn't give a rip if someone was in my things as I have nothing to hide. If they are doing it in a hidden manner trying to find something...yah I would take issue with the lack of trust there.

I see someone being clingy and someone going through one's things as two different things. One is about insecurity and the other is about trust.

 

It's hard to find any woman over thirty without any itchy ring finger!