Help, I don't know what to do.

MistressB, i understand what you are going through but i'd love to make something clear to you that communication is a very important factor in relationships. You should have the flexibility to communicate, or at least the desire to learn how.
All or most human relationships are seen as business transactions wherein the "merchants"- motivated by self-interest or strive to get the best possible deal. The best outcome is to make a "profit" (ie. an outcome wherein rewards are higher than costs). The so-called minimum strategy thus states that we aim for the outcome of mimimum costs and maximum rewards in our dealings with others.
But before we deviate from the topic-because im kinda good at that-, i'd just like to tell you that its better if you really decided to be upfront about your feelings about the situation at hand. Rather than give yourself headaches and worry, talk to him about it. Communication is one thing that when absent in a relationship, destroys it in no time.
I also would really like to tell you not to buy into the whole stereotype of African men marrying white women ONLY for immigration reasons. Yes, a few do it but if you believe they all are like that, then something gotta be wrong somewhere, deary.
I do not know what your man's intentions might be, but i am pretty sure i speak for everyone else if i told you to be patient BUT watchful. I dont want to tell you what to do as i am not under any right to but a little bit of advice does no harm, i would imagine. Do what you please but also what is RIGHT.

 

Women are very emotional, thats all. :lol:

 

well, what I would do is I would try to second check his story before I make a decision. I would ask him for his paperwork and would find out what the problem is, how did he come to the UK, when did he apply for the student visa, is it an ongoing process or was the visa refused, and if so, why. And if he is in the UK since 2 years, without a visa and without a job, how did he make a living?

 

I've been given the answer to most of that, but I'm not keen to put it on the internet. Take your point though!
Laydeezman Chris: good post! And right on - that was why my previous relationship broke down.

 

oh Girl... this is a tough tough situation, if you ask me!

But, the problem is that there will probably never be a way to know for sure 100%! So... I would say 3 things:

-Listen to your gut!
-Listen to your gut!
-Listen to your gut!

Honestly, if there is one thing that I have learned it's that we need to listen to the inner voice - although I would have to admit that sometimes the inner voice and get mixed up with plain old fear! So, I understand your dilemma! But my theory is now, if it appears suspicious... than it most likely is!

Trust me... I've been more than burned by an African man in the past and I heard warning bells going off the whole time, but chose to ignore them because I was blinded by love! I now refer to him as "the professional liar".

It sucks that he was African and that he simply perpetuated the myth and stereotype that African men can't be trusted.

(FYI: in my case it wasn't a question of visa or citizenship at all though)

My gut is telling me right now, that if you're worried enough to post on here about it... then your concerns might be real... but only you will know just how much you are willing to take.

And to the men who are saying that communication is the issue... I call BS on that! You can "communicate" all you want, but when every word that comes out of the other person's mouth is a lie.... it's not really use full to "communicate", now is it?! :wink:

 

That is too true. I'm sorry that you've been burned in the past (read that in the other thread too), sometimes you can be going along fine though, and trusting what people say without having reason not to. But things are different when you have to assess it critically and put a spin on what he says.

 

Is this love!? Does Morality exist in love!? I do not think so - I do believe we deceive ourselves both men and women. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest to us......that which renders morality an active principle and constitutes virtue our happiness, and vice our misery: it is probable, I say, that this final sentence depends on some internal sense or feeling, which nature has made universal in the whole species.

Now Miss B, I do not know you or your umm.....Lover!? Boyfriend!? Significant other!? But from what you tell us, I do believe he is being deceptive. You are also putting his needs before your own. The most common despair is ... not choosing, or willing, to be oneself...but the deepest form of despair is to choose to be another than oneself. Obviously you have an "emotional attachment" and honestly, I believe you have already made your decision and could be just looking for someone to conform the decision you are already made.

My factoid........

 

a similar thing happened with me............. is he just trying to figure out what u really think of him and the relationship? my fella asked me the same thing bout a year ago now.....saying would i help him stay if i had to...........i said yes, to shut him up!!! he said later he wanted to see how serious i was about him

but when we talked bout it seriously i said that isn't a reason to get married. i suggested he extended his student visa first, then hopefully get a job and be able to apply through that....by the time those have run out we'll have been dating for a few years, and if by then we want to get married, then i will be more sure of the relationship.

i have to agree with Iffey'swifey though, cos it really isn't difficult to get student visa's or get his current one extended........so that is a little dodgy. where is he from again?

 

it is very hard, believe me. I have a lot of friends both her in the US and the UK who have been around for 5 years and havev't been granted citizenship yet.

 

I'm on a course full of international students, and all who needed to renew their visas have succeeded. a friend of my fella's has just renewed his for another 2 years, my fella has done his......maybe its easier in the UK??

 

Yeah, in the end that is how I have run with the problem. It is practical really, because it doesn't mean that I (or you) have to do anything which might be detrimental later, but we get to carry the relationship on and see how things will progress - which is what I want really. I'm with you, as well, I don't think it can be that difficult to secure a student visa for study in the UK (after all the unis despeately need the cash from foreign students) but now he's blarneying something about the difficulty being at the Ghanaian end or something - I don't really know what he's on about, and not sure he does either (since he's never had to apply for a student visa before, so he's only going on hearsay).

 

2 of my friends are Ghanaian. 1 is pregnant, got a temporary visa- don't know what grounds to go to America to have her baby, then coming back. the other one has also just renewed his....he was here on 2year student visa, and has just had another 2 years added to it.....i don't think he had any problems with it - but everyone is different......i have to say though in the eyes of the state - i think it is easier for a Ghanaian than some of the other African countries.

 

Well I'm in over my head now, having spent the weekend sleeping with the problem (so to speak). Now it has reached a funny situation where Mr Man goes quiet and moody and threatens to leave, until I tell him I will consider his "proposal" whereon he perks up and becomes very intense about it. It's exhausting me and I don't know what to do about it, so i've booked an appointment to see a counsellor and talk it all over. It's not really a problem you can bring up with friends or even family as people will bring their own views to it, and I need practically shaking I think. At the moment I'm in a situation where I think I've promised to consider the longterm prospect of our relationship once my course is over - in about 6 months - when I hadn't really planned on marriage for at least another 2-3 years, and I'm not sure if I can stand conceding quite that much ground. What kind of a situation means that either your lover is going to go away and not come back again or you have to decide to marry them on the spot? It feels like emotional black mail and I feel weak. :cry:

 

ding ding ding (those are warning bells, if you ask me....)

I really hope that this helps! I can only imagine how confused you must feel!

Well, that's cause it is, girl. And you are not weak for feeling exhausted over it!! My gosh... if you dove into this without ever thinking of the consequences, then, in my book, you'd be "weak". To me, the fact that you're thinking about this seriously and considering all the options and possibilities makes you a strong and intelligent woman!!

 

Thanks PearlGirl, those are kind things to say.



Il est l'histoire...

 

She's right.