Help, I don't know what to do.

I've been with my man for three months and I love him, but I don't know what he's expecting me to do to help him.

He has been here (UK) for 2 years when we met, and wants to do a masters before applying for jobs, but has found out how difficult it will be to secure a visa to do that, and also to find work afterwards. Now he brought all this up with me out of the blue yesterday, saying that before we met he'd been planning to go and study somewhere else (US or something like that), but now he'd fallen for me and couldn't leave the country...but equally he wasn't able to do anything here because he wasn't a British citizen...you can see a bit where this logic is leading although he didn't say it out loud, and when I said "are you expecting me to marry you to help you out?" he said, no no, I didn't mean that. I don't really understand what he does want - and he doesn't seem to be able to just spit it out, which makes me think it is that, but this is ludicrous, right?

I have fallen for him too but I've only known him 3 months and I don't know why he's putting this pressure on my head, I don't know what I'm expected to do to help him. It makes me not want to see him, and just to hide in my bedroom with a pillow over my head!

 

Well first of all don't marry him. Not because I think he's a scammer but because marriage shouldn't be taken lightly.

As I'm going through the visa process myself, I'd say that work and study visas are easier to obtain than resettlement visas (fiance and spouse etc), so it may be worth his while to pursue another route.

I can only imagine your frustration, but you must do what feels right to you, not what anyone else says it right. Other than that I have no advice, so I'm pretty useless really!

 

I have a question: If he does decide to leave, would you think that it would have a bad impact on your relationship?

 

No I agree with you - that's an option that dances round my brain but I know it's stupid, and it's nothing like what I want for myself anyway.

You mean, you're going through the visa process for Iffey? I can't believe it would be all that difficult to secure a visa for study since it only allows him to stay here for a year, that doesn't seem to be much of a problem according to the Home Office. It is just frustrating and confusing for two reasons. Partly, I genuinely don't know whether he is trying to ask me to help him out by marrying him, or he is just using me (quite fairly!) as an outlet for his frustration at not being able to help himself; I'm happy to help if it's the latter but not the former! And partly, I just don't know what to suggest to help him - he deserves better as he's very bright, but everything seems to be against him.

 

I am sorry to say, but lots of Africans try this ploy on unsuspecting and gullible people to facilitate their stay in a foreign land. In fact most target white ladies who are a lot easier to manipulate emotionally. I am very sure he is trying to hint you about marriage and is working it into you subconsciousness gradually. I would advise that you be on the alert as most of these guys are already married with kids back home. Trust me I live and work in Africa and have lots of friends who have crossed over and employed this means.

 

These things are more than present in my mind, trust me!
Unfortunately if this IS the case, then he's picked about the wrong person and wasted his time, since I'm neither unsuspecting nor gullible...but incredibly suspicious!

 

Maybe you should try an ultimatum. Hold him to something, just in case he may be only using you for US citizenship.

 

It's really difficult because a lot of African men use western women to secure their stay, but that doesn't mean all of them do, and it gives a bad name to the genuine ones. Same with Nigerians getting a bad reputation for 419 scams - they're not all like it. I get offended when people suggest my man might be using me for UK access, but it just goes to show how prejudiced people are as they hear he is Nigerian and assume the worst, without realising that he is already in Europe (Holland) and has been for some time and he doesn't need my assistance to stay here. But I am going through the visa for marital reasons and I can assure you that a spouse or fiance visa is more tricky as I as the sponsor have to provide lots of supporting "evidence". It's all very clinical.

The best thing you can do is go with your gut instinct.

 

Exactly, at first I was angry at people suggesting that this was his motive, now I feel that he might be making me look a fool, since I might have been right all along. It's impossible after only knowing someone for three months, what their true motive is, so I guess I'm just going to have to talk to him a whole lot and work out what he thinks he's going to get out of this, then make a decision to stay or leave.

 

Talking only does so much as people will always tell you what you want to know. I really don't think there's a way to know for sure, unless you're a mind reader - which you're not. I bet there's a website somewhere giving tips to avoid being scammed in this way, as I've just found LOADS of websites exposing 419 scammers. There's a website for everything these days!

I wish I could help more, but if you want to talk about it then yahoo me sometime (oooh that sounds rude!)

 

Well that's it - I can't talk to him because now I don't feel he's telling me the truth, and I can't talk to other people because they'll make me feel like a fool for being gullible or something. Almost wish that I'd never met him.

 

Oh don't get like that, don't let the bastards win! Just take your time and feel your way around it, rather than rushing in like a bull in a china shop as you'll only wind yourself up and piss off a potentially good man.

 

Haha true - have you met me before? :lol:

 

I don't think so...but I do know what women are like!

 

We think too much and delve into everything deeply - that's our problem!! (and it usually ends up confirming our worst fears)

 

Yes, women are generally more emotional creatures and we tend to go too deep into things. But as better communicators than men, we pick up on signals that they may not, and they lead us to question things, triggering our gut reactions etc.

 

What if the guy genuinely loves you and really wants to marry you for two reasons 1. because he loves and cares for you and 2. because it would ease his stay is that really a bad thing? Nope i don't think so. Its only if the first reason is missing, that I have a problem with this.

I would advise you try and talk to him, don't ask direct questions because he may just tell you what you want to hear. Lots of communication is needed to find out his true intentions. Best of luck.

 

Exactly, I'm not naive and in time I would love to be able to help him like that. But I'm too young to marry at the moment anyway, so if it's a short term cynical solution he's after, we have a small problem.

Thanks for your thoughts though.

 

i agree with Iffy on this. dont marry him, especially since it is such a new relationship, and communication seems to be in its infant stage. You need to be able to be honest with one another about everything. If it is REAL Love than it can wait for love is patient. give it a good solid year before thinking about marriage, so that you can both know what each others wants, desires and needs are and how each can help fulfill those.

 

Miss B

You are being such a female!!!!! How about the direct approach - instead of letting this drive you absolutely mad!?!?!? If he is beating around the bush, then drop is sorry arse - it is really that simple. You are only exacerbating a situation already disagreeable and will be incumbent to your well-being.