Friendships with those you were once involved with

Do you think it's possible to have good solid friendships with those we were once involved with?

Is this something that is ok if you are in a relationship now? Would that be disrespectful?

What if that person is single?

 

I think it is definitely possible but not always a good idea.
One can definitely have a good, solid, platonic relationship with an ex.

I think if one of the "exes" moves on to a new relationship it would depend on whether or not the new partner would mind or not. I would respect my man's wishes if he asks me not to be friends with my ex any longer. I would talk to him about it first and see if I can assure him that there is no threat coming from the ex but if he insists I would respect that.

 

Oh I guess I should say I'm not talking about exes that people have kids with...although they could be included. Obviously in the situation with children usually there is a need to continue to have a working relationship with the ex.

 

My take on this, KnCA, is..........no. I have always been this way. I've never re-became friends with or kept a friendship after I had been intimate with that person. I feel like the attraction and intimacy has already been there and doesn't usually go away just like that. At one point in time you were attracted to this person, why not now? That would be a hard one to explain. Or...that person is already so familiar to you, it makes it that much easier to go down that road. And, yes, it could be uncomfortable for your partner. I like Chigirl would respect my man's wishes and not be friends with the ex if my man didn't want me too. At the same time I would not want my husband re-igniting anything between he and his ex's either. To me, the situation is too vulnerable. It may work for some people though.

 

I know it's possible to have good solid friendships with someone one used to be involved with. I have. My old ex is my best friend (except my BF of course). My BF wasn't ok with it at first, but after he'd given it some thought, he decided it was ok.

It's over 3 years since we broke up. Both me and my ex have moved on. His new GF is ok with it too. It's very common to maintain some degree of friendship with ones ex'es here. At least it is common for the people I hang around.

I hardly know anyone who break up completely- with no further contact at all. The ones I know who have done so, all have excellent reasons for doing so. (Like a friend who's GF got psychotic and stabbed him... Wow, I still can't believe that actually happened to someone I know...She had to spend some time in a psychiatric hospital for a while afterwards- she's still on medication now, several years later, but my friend still don't want any contact with her- I can fully understand that even though she was sick.)

 

My ex-husband and I are friends, it was a mutual decision. We both are over the relationship. However it's not the kind of close friendship that would interfere with a new relationship. Once he told me that he was over the relationship and healed, I no longer felt the right anymore to call him anytime to sob or whatever. I also avoided seeing him after the breakup because it always led to sex, and I didn't enjoy just getting fucked by somebody who I didn't love and who didn't love me anymore. The day that he admitted to being over me, was the last time.

But the divorce itself, that was hard for me! I felt like I had the word FAILURE embedded on my forehead. How could it happen to me? I thought I could make it work... I once browsed a Hallmark store, and when my eyes fell on one of those mushy books for brides, tears just streamed down.
:cry:

I'm single still and in a place where many newly single people have found themselves. What the hell do I do now? I don't enjoy bars, I don't even like to drink!! I tried the internet and it didn't do anything for me. And by God I don't want to get into one of those mediocre relationships where no one is happy, but they stick together just so they won't be alone... My father, who is a big joker, recently asked me if there's any improvement in my private life and I said not much, so he said: just make sure you don't settle. He said people are lazy and inertious, they think something will come along, nothing comes and time passes, so they get into some relationship that's not good, and stay together because they get used to each other, and the next thing they know is years have gone by. :?

 

I do think it's possible to have a friendship with someone I was involved with. If I were in a relationship, and if it was an issue, I think there would have to be some good, honest communication about it because giving up a friendship wouldn't be easy for me. The respectful thing to do would be to talk about it and come to an understanding. And negotiate if needed.

 

I have never had a proper friendship with someone I have been in love with and in a relationship with, but am friendly with almost everyone I've casually dated.

 

MistressB, when you say "casual relationships," do they include sex or no sex?
I think it's possible to have a platonic relationship with the ex, regardless of how serious, but I think it depends on how the breakup goes.
Calm, civil breakup (with no infidelity) = possibility for future friendship.
Nasty breakup (cheating and violence) = Hell No!!!

 

This is exactly the way I think about this...Great points JasieS...and after considering the quote above, how can we call that a "real friendship"? I have a hard time conceiving it!

 

I agree. Each relationship is different. If the breakup was nasty, burn that bridge. If it wam amicable, then why not have one more friend?

 

Agree.

Cause you've already been there, and you've gotten a lot smarter

People usually break up because they for various reasons aren't attracted to eachother any more. If you remember why you stopped being attracted to the person in the first place, you shouldn't be in any danger of feeling attraction to the person ever again...

For me, the reasons why I originally were attracted to my ex (his good sense of humor, kindness etc) is the reason why I want to stay friends. The reasons why I stopped being attracted to him (Lord, where do I start???) are the reason why I'll only want to stay friends. I know he feel excactly the same way. We've been there, we've learned. We suck as BF/GF- but we make great friends.

 

I've been really taking a look at this recently. I used to be someone who would very much argue that it was a good thing, very healthy, to be friends with those we were involved with in the past.

My thinking on this was that if I cared enough to be close with this person, just because things didn't work out in a romantic relationship, I still cared about them and felt we could contribute to each other's lives. I guess I should say that most of my relationships have been based upon friendship, trust, and respect. And I always do whatever it is I need to do to heal myself about that relationship before getting involved with another. So I don't have any lingering doubts or hopes about any past relationships.

Over time I have met men who took issue with these friends, but once explained and/or met these friends they had no problem with it. I've never had a man demand that I end a friendship with anyone - I can't really imagine that happening.

There have been conversations from those who don't believe that men and women who were once involved should be friends later on because it's disrespectful to future relationships. But they may think differently if both parties are involved in other relationships and any relating to one another is done as two couples. (that's why I put in the part about does it make a difference if they are single or not)

The conversation about this was that it's like whatever movie where they talk about that and how one person or the other will at some point have some sort of agenda whether they admit it or not to themselves or the other person and that just wouldn't be ok.

If that's true, does it really matter though? I mean just because the other person might have another agenda going on - is that really the other person's problem?

 

Both...the issue isn't whether i've had sex with them, just with the amount of emotion i feel for them or how many feelings I have invested in the relationship.
*Yes I will sleep with them without feeling much for them emotionally...i'm a heartless bitch :lol: *

 

LOL...I don't call that hearless Mistress B....just a woman who's got what it takes to have a man wanna get some from her!

 

Haha yeah - we're all adults here!! :twisted:

 

As someone said before, I don't think that it is a good idea. I actually was in a relationship which I knew should not have started but I was being open-minded. Well anyway because of her realizing that I was not into her really she wanted to end it. I said okay but she wanted to be friends and visit my family. I said that I don't want that and I don't want her to visit my family. I just didn't want to look at her coming into my home talking to my relatives. Also, although I never told my family about it, she had some serious issues and I am still asking questions why I dated her in the first place. My grandmother who saw asked me one day what happened to her and I told her that I am not going out with her anymore. She said that we made a good couple although in my eyes I knew I most have been on something to go out with her.

Oh lastly by myself being open-minded I meant that I dated a bw again in order to see if the same problems in the past were not apparent with this person because I knew her from high school and I met her by chance and then things happed. Although the same rants and insults and telling me how I acted like I was stiff and not like everyone else. Well, I am glad at least I don't have to see her again.

 

I never sleep with my friends. It does get too deep and I don't want to end the friendshipship. Sure there are those f/&kbudies but that is rare to have one.

 

The question wasn't about sleeping with friends....it was about continuing a friendship with those you have been involved with once the romantic part of the relationship is over.

 

I don't see the dilemma. If my friend wants some of "big daddy" and she needs a fix, we can get down. No problem. We'll go right back to kickin' like it never happened. I've served up my friends with no hassle.

I'm a professional damnit!