Dating question for the gentlemen

My question is for the gentlemen here.

I have come across a relationship ebook by a certain Bob Grant called "How to Find the Man of Your Dreams". It suggests that a woman wait until marriage to have sex with the man she is interested in, and once he expresses interest in sex before marriage, she should gently tell him: You can have me once you buy me. The author proceeds to explain that it will make the man gain an incredible respect for the woman and consequently marry her. The woman should repeat this any time he makes advances before marriage.

Gentlemen... what would honestly be your reaction to such a statement if you're genuinely interested in a woman???

I didn't buy the book, by the way.

 

each and every one of us is different, which is why I never really pay books any mind. In the long run, you may find someone who appreciates a woman, who would rather wait before giving up the goods. However, you're going to come across some good guys, who will just become agitated by a woman who wants to wait until marriage.

Mind you, in the 21st century, marriage isn't the same as it used to be. So many couples get divorced and all. To me, it doesn't mean as much as it used to. Some couples that are living together, have been together longer than some marriages have lasted.

I guess you would have to find out beforehand, if your mate was interested in marriage at all.

p.s. - I really despise books that exhibit generalizations of any given group; in this case, men.

 

I wouldn't follow this advice, to begin with. I agree that waiting until you're in a committed relationship is healthy, but waiting until marriage (unless you're talking about certain communities) is just not the norm anymore.

I think that after a woman announces "you can have me once you buy me", a man can be surprised, intrigued at best or insulted at worst... but I doubt it that it really affects whether or not they will be able to make a lasting connection.

 

I have no problem with a woman who wishes to wait until marriage to have sex. But I consider that statement tacky. While the position is one that I respect, the same is not true for that particular phrase.

My initial thought was that the word 'buy' was the problem. Giving your question a little more thought allowed me to conclude that, for me, it's not just the word 'buy' that's the problem. It's the idea that something has to be exchanged for sex. Personally, I'd have alot more respect for statements such as "I'd prefer to wait for marriage before having sex", "I've decided that it's best for me to wait until I'm married to have sex" or something as firm as "I don't have sex outside of marriage".

 

I agree. That whole term buy is bad, bad, bad. That's exactly how I looked at it, it's not an exchange of goods. We aren't exchanging women for dowries anymore. WTF??

I hope that any woman that does read that book and use that sentence change the word buy. That is terribly tacky!!

 

It then becomes an issue of semantics. Considering the laws in the this country, marriage is nothing more than a legal agreement....one where the man stands the biggest chance to lose huge. This is assuming the situation where the man is the bread winner, especially the sole bread winner and the woman has no job, besides the standard upkeep of the house...assuming she isn't out shopping and running up huge debt. A pretty common situation, I think.

If you want to hold out, that's fine, but why choose "marriage" to hold out until? Aside from the financial incentives, maybe she gets the chance to feel "special" about something in her life. I guess that's understandable given the fairy tales girls are told when they are young. This whole marriage thing seems to turn into this manipulative and controlling enterprise, though. A girl gets the chance to try out the man, tell all her friends about how special she is for holding on to these type of virtues and how special he is for accepting them, of course all of this just to boost her ego while he continues to slave away at a 9-5 to buy her a nice little ring.

The guy does have fault in this too. He's usually trying to convince himself that he's a great guy for "understanding" therefore boosting his ego while happily slaving away to be able to afford a nice little ring, house and car only to have it taken away a few years later in a divorce settlement. Lord forbid that kids are involved, especially in the state of Cali. A dumba$$, basically.
Again, it's cool to wait and see if he is serious, lord knows that these ladies need to be able to weed out some of the chumps,make sure he ain't a rapist and that he ain't fucking everything that moves, but why cuff him?

I see nothing wrong with the term "buy". At least your being upfront. If the guy is not some naive chump, he may get a good chuckle out of that. Guys will rearrange their lives for a women he's into. The last thing we need is for you sugarcoat this shyt to make us feel like we are living some fairy tale. Most of us know what's up. If you tell it like it is and the man doesn't run, and then you still grow close....that man will go to the ends of the earth for your ass. Show us that we ain't naive and stupid and we will show you the galaxy....er...um...or at least try, anyway. I guess that's why I like strong and independent women; they are usually real. Well..even not so strong and independent, I'll work for if she knows the deal, knows that I know whats the deal and doesn't try to sugar coat it.

Generalization alert!
Any guy who gets insulted when she uses "buy" is probably young/naive/inexperienced or just really got his ego bruised there. It would be embarrassing for most to basically hear that our "awesomeness" couldn't get you to spread your legs and now we're reduced to somebody who has to pay to get laid. Some of our egos are so big that we have to believe that we are better than everybody else and that our woman is better than everybody else, especially in a time like now where it's becoming less common to wait for marriage. We gotta be able to tell anyone who will listen that we waited till marriage and that's how we know OUR love is TRUE love. to all you guys who got married after sex, haha im better than you, sucka! There's also something called the real world...Some guys can't handle it.

 

First I laughed then said "Get the fuck outta here"

Men and women underscore the value of a healthy sexual relationship. If you become intimate after marriage and to be blunt she doesn't give head, now what? If the same woman who wants to wait finds out that after she's married that he's only interested in sex once or twice a month, now what? Now of course he could tell her that before hand but how many women will actually believe that?

All of this can lead to infidelity and the proportion of women and men who cheat these days are closer than you think.

you can have me once you buy me

Get the fuck outta here..............

 

that's the same stance that I feel about marriage..

many people hold marriage in such a high view, because of tradition. Maybe their parents were married, and their parents before them. So naturally, much like religion and other values, marriage gets passed down to the kids, who then feel as if they too, have to be married.

I never felt that way because of the high divorce rates in this country. Marriage is supposed to be greater than what it currently is. When two people are "in-love," they get married, and thent hey split because of "irreconciliable differences." So, you mean to tell me that during the fair weather, you want to be my wife, then as soon as a problem come along, you want to split, just like that.

whatever.

god forbid your spouse is not working, and takes HALF of what you own.

I don't play that sh*t at all

don't even let me get started about diamond rings and that whole market. That's some more bulls*it brought along because of tradition, that thoughtless people are supposed to dig into.

 

I don't doubt that this happens quite a bit. I'm sure it happens especially when 1 or both of the people involved aren't mature enough to handle the ups and downs of a partnership like marriage. But, there are many, many times that you think you know a person, and then you get married and things change, and they change in a very bad way. :cry: And what is a person to do when you realize that therapy is needed and you try everything you possibly can to salvage the marriage and they want no part of it?

Don't lump all divorces in one category. I'm going through a divorce right now and I can tell you that I'm not taking 1/2 of anything. We (thankfully now) never combined our finances and we never combined our credit cards so we're leaving the marriage with our own money and neither of us is gaining or losing.

I'm not down on marriage, but I'm certain that I won't be getting married again any time soon....but I won't ever say that I'll never marry again.

 

I knew people that said they would change, if they were married, in a good way. Crappy couple partners, who always blamed their faults on the fact that they weren't married to their lover.

:shock:

as for the finance thing...most of the married couples that I know of, have joint bank accounts and have houses together. If their marriage goes splitsville, then what?

Most of the marriages in my family, have been around before I was born. I'm 26, so that's a good thing I guess..

as for lumping things together, i don't lump..

I mix

 

re

That statement is a little extreme. But, I will say, Men scorn anything that's easily obtained. I can see that it's a big no-no in this forum, but I will make that generalization.

 

I certainly hope to have a relationship where the connection and understaning between us are deep enough to make all sorts of ultimatums unnecessary... where making love is the highest bliss for the both of us - not a matter of bargain... I know, I'm a hopeless romantic... and Hans Christian Andersen's fairy tales make me cry like a little kid.
http://andersen.classicauthors.net/index.html

 

I bet you cried while watching The Notebook..

I was watchin a movie called "Just Friends," and they were making fun of people who cried while watching that.

sobby love stories and all

If I truly like someone, I would wait.

I wouldn't rush into anything..

I'm not saying I would wait until I sealed the deal with marriage..that's an unlikely event..

 

I can understand if you are saving sex for marriage thats is cool and all but I will say this you better be a virgin talking that shit. I don't want to here that crap from a woman who has been married before and has been known to have sex with here exes(even if she does do the sex at three month rule). I think it is all just plain corny we are all adults here now give them goods up when you ready. I ain't buying nothing lol when you can get a whole lot for free,these books are just pawned off to weak minded folks.

 

Maybe she became a born again Christian...would that count? :wink:

But, yeah, I think a healthy discussion regarding sex is a good thing when you start a relationship. And I think that both parties will know when the time is right, whenever that time might be....

 

Nothing wrong with waiting to have sex but it should be done for the right reasons....not just to prod someone into giving you a $5,000 ring.

In this day and age however, it's more difficult to tow that line because people get married much later than they used to. Way back in the day...you were probably looking at getting married by the time you were 17 or 18 and even 40-50 years ago...the number was probably around 21-23 years of age. Remaing chaste until you are 20...is much less of a challenge than waiting until you are 30...especially given the greater amount of temptation in today's world....certainly it can be done...but its difficult.

 

This is an amazing world. And ladies you'll have to understand my angle when I say that whole thing is amusing and laughable.

The whole premise of male female relationships is just false to begin with. Even this notion that a man has to "buy" you. It goes back to my basic fundamental belief. That the whole dating ritual is flawed. As men we are the ones charged with this duty to live up to the woman's expectations. To basically audition, and prove ourselves worthy of that oh so coveted "shot" at you.

And this book and the logic behind it just perpetuates it. Seriously. Women for the most part when it comes to dating have it so easy sometimes. And because of the fact like someone posted we men will rearrange our lives for you is just evidence of it.

What honestly do women have to offer in this dating game? Other than the intent that maybe hopefully someday they'll "let" us sleep with you?

Now if you take that and look at it you can see how flawed it all is. Exactly what skills do women have to get a man? What can a woman do to make me want to "buy" you?

If men can realize this the leverage they could acquire would be incredible.

 

:lol: I went on a date about a month ago with this guy. He asked for my phone # at the school library and took me out to dinner to a nice place. I wasn't interested and I did not return his further calls. Yesterday he sent me a text message calling me a user. He said if I just wanted to use him to be taken out to dinner I should have told him so. I thought the first date is when you decide if you're interested or not... But I guess his logic is - he spent money on me, what right do I have to turn him down?

The whole idea of turning relationships into economics... who gives what and who gets what... I think I might be looking at being single for a while. I won't settle for anything less than a man who cares about me, whether he has a million dollars or a dime. And if he cares about me, I'll know it.

 

OK. Now let's look at this for a second...

See how comfortable it is being a woman... "I think I'll just be single for a while.." And then at their choosing they up and go out and just have their pick of any guy they choose. Which is cool. I understand.

You deserve an amount of respect, and ultimately a man should treat you right. There's no question.

But for a woman they seem to just believe they can sit and wait and a good man will just come landing out of the sky for them. I mean what skills do you have to go out and find a good man. Cause there are plenty of them out there. Most are just sick of the game.

I fault this guy also for not making his intentions known upfront. I've never been involved with someone and not been upfront with them. On any subject. That's what's wrong with men now. They are either afraid to be honest, or too afraid they'll take a loss.

There's probably more to this story. Who knows? But the problem with men and women today is dishonesty upfront.

 

Tell em Jake!

I believe both parties are at fault. I used to be like the guy who would say that women are users. But that's because I didn't put my expectations out up front.

I believe women CRAVE honesty. If you do it in the right way. The right way is in an non-approval seeking way. Just state what you want and allow the woman to take it or leave it. If she takes it, great you two are on the same page if not ... there are many women out there and they keep making more.

I believe dishonesty up front is the main reason for so many divorces. People aren't honest, i mean REALLY HONEST, about who they are and what they want before they decide to date/get married/ etc.

But what do I know I'm a college kid.