Dating an African Man?

Hi, I stumbled across this site accidentally and have found it quite interesting and educative. I have read lots of stuff here on BM(Black Men) dating WW(White Women) but most if not all this BM are more or less Westernized in their way of life and upbringing. I would like to know if there are any WW here who has dated/is dating or married to a pure African (one who lives in Africa and has not be westernized in culture and way of thinking). What is the experience like?

 

Well, my man is Nigerian (born and raised) and only came to Europe a few years ago to play football. I wouldn't say that he's been westernized as such, but even as a child he had some fairly different views to that of his peers.

I've found the whole thing to be a good experience, although their have been difficulties, mostly because of cultural differences. But with a bit of compromise we've worked through them and now have a beautiful baby girl who is 4 weeks old.

I really think it's all down to the individuals as to whether a relationship will work or not. People will either click or not. There may be more obvious differences between an African and a westerner, but that just means there's more to learn about each other! It depends on whether you look at the glass as half full or half empty.

And by the way, I know who you are, and you know who I am too!

 

I'm in a relationship with a Ghanaian who only moved to England a couple of years ago, and has mostly spent time living and hanging out with other Ghanaians - he is 'westernised' in the same way he always has been (wearing western style clothes, listening to a mixture of African/western music), but he's also university educated which is pretty rare in Ghana, according to him. He still has a lot of African beliefs and values, that is clear, but I'm open minded towards other cultures and find it more interesting than dating your standard British man for once - anyway, I see him as an individual not just "an African", by now.

 

Iffy'swifey yeah we know each other, you are much more outspoken here, I like that.

Okay now to serious business you two stated that your men have crossed over to Europe for some years now so def finitely their views and way of life has changed, they are more open to the western culture and way of thinking which most Africans ain't. It is still believed in most parts of African than the Man provides for the home while the woman takes care of the home. This partnership is quite different from what you have in the westernized world where all responsibilities are shared 50/50 it ain't so in Africa.

 

True, environments do shape us, it's that age old thing of nature over nurture. But I really do think it's more about the person than the place.

As previously stated, my man was always a little different. Even when in Africa he didn't think women were treated fairly, he watched his mother suffer and raise children on her own as she refused to stay with her husband while he took another wife. Iffy was surrounded by strong women and appreciates all they do. He never thought it was right that man is the boss etc. He wanted a more equal relationship and he's never been able to get that with an African woman, even African women who too have been living in Europe.

I'm not saying that one way is right or wrong, but I personally prefer it this way and so does Iffy.

 

This seems quite familiar. I think my man is fairly traditional, in that he wouldn't be comfortable doing nothing to provide for his family and home, but he is incredibly supportive of my career as well, and treats me like an equal. His father died some years ago and he was made aware of his womanising behaviour by his mother, as well as growing up with some incredibly feisty sisters, so he doesn't seem to have any problem with strong women - if anything, he is a little henpecked, so I make the effort not to nag him! He doesn't say anything derogatory about African women, though, I wouldn't let him.

 

Yes, far too many people think they need to justify their decision to be with someone "different" by putting down what would be considered the norm. I'll always speak out on what I think is wrong regardless of whether it's PC or what people want to hear, but I won't slag someone off just for then sake of it. I don't need to put African women down to make myself feel better as it's unnecessary, pointless and plain wrong. Iffy's mother was African and she raised a wonderful man so I have a lot to thank her for.

 

100% African Man, you are right on alot of what you say, However, NOT all western people fit that stereotype. There are still many traditional families in the United States where the wife stays at home and raises the children, cooks the food and keeps house. about 49% of American Households are Traditional households and there is a new trend for many professional women in the US of returning to full time mothering and housekeeping.

 

the concept of women being full house wives is also dying rapidly here in africa. The younger generation want their women to work and have a profession but that in no way stops the man from providing fully for home, so the women just have spare cash to spend on themselves. A typical African man must provide the following for his family 1. Shelter, 2. Food and 3. clothing and when there are kids involved also cater for their school fees, these items are not compromisable.

 

in the traditional American home the Father provides the same things, and it is actually NOT dying here it is making a slow turn around from the last 30 years

 

I was thinking the same thing tucker wrote just now. Besides the environmental differences, how is it any different here in the states? To me, it all depends on the individuals and the household. There is matriarchy and patriarchy all around us in various households, so it would all depend on where you go.

 

Exactly! we only assume that everyone fits into a nicely controlled box and LABELED easily

I hate labels and so I dont let myself get pigeonholed or stereotyped as this is what American Black man does or thinks or acts and NOR should any other person

 

my fella is from nigeria too - he's come to the UK to study....but has been coming back and for to the UK for a while now.....and i don't really see a differnce. i suppose he is quite weternised though.
you said

and i'd say he conforms to all that

 

I certainly don't want to believe it, but my friend who is mixed and resides in Africa (the country is Benin) tells me that when it comes to white wives, the African men would often try to put the financial burden on the wife's shoulders. She says that it's the reason for many interracial divorces in Africa... She says that the African wife would never have it, but always expects the husband to provide everything, besides paying the dowry to the bride's family before the marriage ceremony (I don't know if it's only true for Muslim countries, or across all of Africa). The white wife, on the contrary, is all modern and all about equality and the husband is only glad to take advantage of it.

My husband, who is Malian, is very aware of his responsibility as the breadwinner of the household, so I'm happy that I don't have to worry...

 

This is a good topic.

I have had two relationships with Africans and I would say that both of them were quite "Westernized", as they both had been in North America for about 10 years. I also had a very brief love affair with an African man who still lives in Africa, but since it was so brief it's hard to use that situation as an example!

Although I found the "exotic" factor very very appealing and attractive at first, I think that in the long run the cultural difference were just too great. Now, I also find it hard to say that for sure. Did we not get along because of "cultural differences" or simply because we were different??? In both cases, I have a difficult time pin-pointing the exact cause of our disagreements. I have no problem with the concept of more "traditional" roles for the running of a house-hold, so our disagreements were on a more fundamental level than that... it may have been more about personalities.

Anyhow, after the first guy did something really really awful, I had decided that I did not want to date another African because he had hurt me too much, but I came to realize that it was HIM that I had beef with and not the entire continent! Although, I must admit that the experience has made me extremely distrustful and wary of all men... but mostly of African men. It is awful to say, but I have to admit that it's true. I would even say that the second guy kinda suffered because of the first ones misdeeds!

Overall, I would say that in the experiences that I've had, I find that the cultural differences were too important... so, I'm not sure that I would entertain another relationship with an African man... but then again, it would really depend on the person and how they made me feel!

 

Racism and segregation also reside in Africa, so I wouldn't be surprised if the shoe was on the other foot. It's not like white women don't do the same thing to black men and white men, because they do.

 

I have a friend who is African American and she was in a long-term relationship with an African. This relationship continued off an on for a few years, and the way he treated her was horrible, because he used her for sex but would not even make her his official girlfriend - he told her that the only woman he could bring home would be an African of his own tribe. Eventually they broke up and he did get with a girl from his tribe. My friend suffered tremendously because she really loved him, he was the only man she ever had, and needless to say, she swore off African men, but it was this particular guy who was the asshole.

I've had some difficulties adjusting to my husband's culture, it's not easy by any means. I guess the wife has to be willing to yield... my husband's aunt told me once directly, when I was telling her about some things we were going through: "The most important thing is your husband!" I don't really have a problem with this approach, because I was raised not to put myself first, whether it's good or bad... But because he loves me and treats me tenderly, a lot of times I'm only happy to let him have his way.

 

Thanks for all the responses so far. I asked the question because I am really curious to know how such relationships are going. For us Africans our culture has a very strong influence on our lives. Marriage in an African society is the union of two families and not two individuals the way most of you are accustomed to. That is why divorce is very rare. The African extended family has a social duty and responsibility to mediate in any misunderstandings between married couples. That is why smart wives look form close alliances with the in-law whom their husband respects most, that way they always have someone on their side.

The negative side to this is that an African man has lots of responsibilities (mostly financial) to his extended family.

 

Hello folks.. I love this topic as I have always wanted to ask the question. My relationship with American girls is somewhat different at first but eventually becomes "normal". In other words, I mean.....at first the girl can be a little shocked by the cultural aspects of my life. I have a little accent so my pronunciation of certain words can be a little different (although most people don't even sense any accent). As little as this sounds, someone who hasn't dated someone with an accent may have to acquaint herself to this.

Then comes other things like talking to my mom on the phone in Yoruba. At first she may not feel totally comfortable with this because she might have heard her name but she doesn't know what I am saying about her. I often had to tell her what I was taking about. I eat Nigerian food at least twice a weak, so as you can imagine this is another strange thing she has to deal with. Of course, I don't expect her to necessarily like what I am eating but as you know the period when you eat is often important for bonding with your mate. Then other things like work ethic, family, blah blah comes into play.

Some girls simply can't handle so much new information that the relationship degenerates over time. For the ones that do work out however, the very things that made it difficult in the beginning turns out to add interesting dimensions to the relationship. Imagine spending a lovely day teaching a loved how to speak in a foreign tongue. Every mistake she makes presents an opportunity to crack jokes at her while romantically building her self esteem and of course every word she pronounces correctly gives you the opportunity to praise her with a warm kiss or whatever you folks do while loving one another. A previous girlfriend of mine was practically incapable of stopping to brag about how she can say certain Yoruba words. It was fun looking at her acting like a kid in a candy store.

In terms of work ethics, I am the typical Yoruba guy. I think it is my life duty to provide for my future wife and kids. Having lived in the western world for quite some time, I am willing to accept a little help from my the woman I marry, but I think most if not all of the responsibility has to be on me. Where I am from that's is one of the responsibilities of a man and I will feel like a failure if I am unable to be the breadwinner of my family.

A problem that I can imagine is that of marriage. Deep down my mother will prefer a Yoruba girl, but she has promised to respect and even love anyone as long as she is a genuinely good human being. Now for the rest of the extended family, my marriage to a westerner may come as a shock. Thankfully enough, my cousin has recently traveled that path, so I see no major obstacle in my path.

In terms of power, I was raised to respect ones wife but also retain most of the power in the relationship. Personally, I enjoy when a woman feels as powerful as I am in a relationship. The truth however is that it may have to be 60/40 relationship. I will hold the sixty percent. Now I am sure my previous statement has caused some uproar, but think about it this way. Power is only an issue when it's being abused. In other words even though I claim to have a little more power, she won't be able to tell because since I will love her (as a husband should love her wife), whatever power I have is hers as her happiness is eternally linked to mine. A mother has the power over her little baby, but a good one never abuses it. She has the power to starve, beat or even kill the baby. Her love for the little fella is however so powerful that she subjects herself to all sorts of inconvenient conditions (lack of sleep, nipple pain and so on) to look after her little child. The same goes for power in a relationship (although I am not trying to say women are innocent powerless beings). The way I see it, love can transcend any cultural barrier as long as the language of love is being actively communicated between the two lovers.

Sorry for any grammatical error, I am way too exhausted to correct them.

 

I liked your post until you started going on about power. I do understand that things are different in Nigeria as my man is Nigerian, but he realises that he's in the west and doesn't expect me to bow down to his way of life...it's give and take. He wanted an equal relationship and that is what he has with me.

In my experience those who crave power in a romantic relationship do so because they are insecure in some way.