Currently having the time of my life in Croatia!!!!

I'm not that rare, at least not in my circle of friends & acquaintances.

What I don't understand is how many comments there are bashing women with children. Do you all feel that your own mothers are less desirable/less perfect for doing what nearly everyone on the planet does (have children)? Most bm that I have personally met want a bunch of kids so I just don't get the hating on women with children.

 

Well I wont speak for other men on here but my personal preference for not dating with kids is for two reasons. I don't ever want to feel like someone only sees me as a viable option after they've squandered their best years with someone else and then need help raising the kids of another man who wont. Not to mention I want to feel like I'm important in my woman's life and its hard to convey that when you're responsible for someone who can't fend for themselves.
Lastly I really want a family that me and someone raise together. I've dated single moms before and no matter how close you think you are you're an outsider to her and her kids and the kid's real dad if he's around. It makes you feel like a convient place holder who's helping out. In situations like that I don't see why any single unattached dude would go for that.
Just my two cents.
Btw I'm gonna need names and pics of those friends please lol. Actually going to Windsor and Toronto again this summer. I've fallen in love with Canada

 

in my world i see it as men wanting women to have life experience, but not so much as to bring baggage that they have to see every day.

personally, i see a woman who has had children as a bonus, because having the first child is such a strain on a relationship (the not knowing what to expect, the late nights, the expectations of each other), that having someone who has been through that and knows what to do to me is a bonus. having someone who can guide you through is something to celebrate and embrace, let me tell you. the stumbling through blindly is not only exhausting physically, but the isolation on someone who hasn't done it before can be soul destroying.

seriously, raising kids is no joke, and that first year is a killer

 

I think it works better when you're both single parents. I personally wasn't prepared to take such a back seat. Not only was I second to the kid which is understandable but I had to play second fiddle to the baby daddy and I get his role but when you don't have kids its really hard to understand it. Not to mention if I have to be honest I don't want to sacrafice time and money on another man's kid ever again. I never felt so used and mistreated in my life until that situation.

 

lol you do seriously make me laugh.

i would never see the next man i date as the next "viable" option. i also do not need someone to help me raise my kids. if i'm with you, it's because i want to be with you, not have you be a father to my children...they already have one.
i also need to say that as soon as any child enters a relationship, be they your own or hers, you, as a man, move down the totem pole. women are naturally programmed to look after their children. doesn't mean that we don't love you, it just means that we are doing what nature intended. your mother did it, your partner will do it. it makes no difference where the child comes from. my ex had a problem with it, as so many other men have as well. if you want a family, you need to understand that children come before you. doesn't mean that you cannot be together and have time with each other, but you do need to understand children in general, change things.

 

i understand what you're saying about the not understanding.

as for the being used, i'm sorry that happened. that's a horrible thing to of happened, but i would like to say that not every single mum would do that. there are good ones out there who believe that the child is their responsibility and not yours.

 

I agree with you 100 percent. I've often said that the most any woman can ever hope for in my life is being number two. You'll always be second to my mom(she's proven over 30 years she'll always be around) or you'll be second to the kids once we have them securing your position as being more important than my mom.

The way I see kids is the extension of our love together so that little extension instantly becomes the most important and I'm ok with that but like I said since I don't have kids of my own yet its tough dealing with someone who does have kids.

 

I'm glad you've fallen for Canada, it's a pretty wonderful place IMO

I understand what you are saying because I have dated men with children (of course they didn't have full custody but I still get the point). Having been married before though, I just want to address the idea of squandering one's best years.

When I got married, I truly believed it was for the rest of my life that I'd be with that person. I never saw it as squandering or wasting my best years with him (it's actually really tragic to think my best years were restricted to my 20s). I truly loved him and thought it would work. Now I am divorced from him but feel that I am living my best years now. Sure I'm not 18 anymore but I never want to be 18, or even 25 again. I love my life NOW. If a man has the great fortune to date me today, he knows these are great years, not back when I was wandering through life, figuring out how to be me.

I don't know what my point is exactly but I do not agree that women (or men for that matter) who'd gotten married in their 20's squandered that time and now are like used up rags hoping for someone to pity them enough to date them today.

I see those years with my former husband as life lessons, growing opportunities and often pretty awesome times. I mean how many times can someone say they had the best ice climbing trip with their husband or dove some amazing wrecks also with their husband. There was no squandering, it was good just the way it was. Some things happened to make the relationship end, but I am glad that I learned what I did and have come out the other side a better, wiser, happier human being.

 

That completely sucks that she treated you like this TDK. I do hope the next woman you date (or are dating now) treats you like her king and shows you how important you are to her. I truly do. There are lots of women who treat their men very well, I hope you find them!

 

Truthfully that's the gamble you take and I get that and she was young so she had maturing to do. Just sucked having your girl's ex in your face all the time and weird trying to develop a relationship with the kid. She would always say she wanted me to love her son and all I could think was how can I do that? Like I said i'd have to be a single dad to really get it.

 

Playboy

Have fun but guard your heart. The only thing I question out of your entire post is that you are about to catch feelings for a party girl in an open relationship....really?...before you fall head over hills for her, ask yourself these questions:

How do I know she wouldn't want the same type of relationship she has with this other brutha?

Do I really listen to what she says and do her words match her actions?

Does the other guy KNOW the relationship is open?...if so has she offered to introduce us?

What is it about me that SHE loves NOW that would make her stop partying and be in a 1 on 1 relationship?

As for the Julia Styles looking girl....maybe you should stick with her.

 

Im sure they do..... outside of the US lol. And I wanted to address the best years comment. I meant the years where most are at there best child rearing years. I believe most people get better with age because with age comes better sex better companionship better knowledge of self. All that makes for an incredible life partner but I want kids, I want my own little mini mes running around one day an its safer to embark on that journey with someone in their twenties.

Btw single like a dollar bill so after I do this phd thing hook a brotha up with one of your fine Canadian friends lol.

 

that's horrible.

i'll go off topic for a sec. the gaggle (the girls) and i had dinner tonight and we spoke about what would happen to our kids if we died. who would take them, love them, guide them etc.

our parents are too old, siblings not really what we want and we were talking about our friends...their way of guiding their kids, their beliefs etc. i voiced my concern about my children not being loved like a mother can love them, and one friend said to me, that it's not about loving the child as you couldn't love them like they were your own or like a parent can love them, it's about being there, letting them know that you are there for them, not judging, accepting and it will happen organically.

i think this is the same as a step parent. you don't force a relationship as the child will know and rebel. you just let them know that you are there and you do not judge and they will come to you. the love will develop naturally from that

 

Something to keep in mind. I think for me I also have a huge hang up about feeling like I settled or was settled for. The idea of being a step parent for me makes me feel like I couldn't find someone who thought I was good enough to build a family with. Like I'm not good to embark on that journey with them for the first time. I guess the same goes for older women to a degree. Not gonna budge on the fat chick thing though lol.

 

You're loonie
:lol:

 

:smt005 keep being you fanny


and yes, understand your pov

 

If I remember correctly, you are 30 now? And you are doing your PhD, so let's say you feel like you are in a good spot to get married, have babies by the time you are 35ish. Are you only pursuing women in their early-mid 20s at that point, to have the best chances of having healthy multiple babies?

Would you ever consider adoption? I ask this because infertility is on the rise, even among women in their 20s and perhaps the one you fall in love with simply cannot have her own children....

According to the NIH: 10 % of women (6.1 million) in the United States ages 15–44 years have difficulty getting pregnant or staying pregnant. That's one in ten women (I'd say the number is actually higher because there are many couples who try to have children, cannot and never see a reproductive specialist to address the problem, they just move to adoption or keep a child-free lifestyle). Then add in the possibility that YOU can't produce your own munchkins.... Would you look back at your 20s and then think maybe you squandered them because you never tried to have kids?

I ask purely because I am curious, not trying to roast anyone's thought process. :wink:

 

To OP.

I know it's not a popular sentiment around here to compare American women with their foreign sisters, but many of the brothers here who have visited Europe (self included) share your experiences. Without stirring the pot, I do understand why American women get defensive about the generalization. However, if YOU know that YOU are different, please realize that you cannot date all of us and try not to take offense when we speak about our experiences with European women. I live in South Florida where you find almost as many European women as American women and the experience is still very similar.

 

Admonishment noted and appreciated. Method of delivery is everything. Eloquently stated, Jaisee. :smt023

 

Yeah...AND?????

Shit, playboy is getting his. Ain't nothin wrong with that.