Can I Get Your Opinions???

:smt083

 

I don't think it has anything whatsoever to do with mental toughness.

Different people need different things from a relationship. The problem that your brother is facing is that he is not inherently a monogamous person, but he is trying to force himself to be one because he views other options as a failure of, for instance, mental toughness.

I know many people who are capable of remaining monogamous forever to one person. Most of those people are women, but some are men.

I also know many who are not. Some are open and honest about what they want out of life, and are able to work it out with their partners in a way that leaves everyone happy & informed. Others insist that they will do better "this time", and ultimately fail over and over again. I'd like to say that they try to do this for whatever person they happen to be in love with, but it doesn't seem that way. It seems like they are doing it for their own pride, which doesn't match the reality of their own lives. They think monogamy is a test of character, and they proclaim their dedication to the test at every juncture. These are the same people who turn around and blame their "failures" on other people -- most often, their spouse. It's almost never anyone else's fault.

If someone's cheated in all their adult relationships. Or even most. If they've cheated in the relationship they are in now. Or if they, for instance, think about cheating every single day. .... Chances are, they will again.

The best bet for your brother is this:

Be HONEST with his significant other. Tell her the TRUTH. Tell her how close he is to cheating, every day. Tell her how much he loves her, and how scared he is of hurting her. Tell her the supreme likelihood that he will someday.

And then work on the rules of the relationship. Decide what the deal breakers are, and see if both can live within those parameters.

(eta: he should expect this to be a painful conversation. He should expect to answer lots of questions. He deserves it, for waiting 8 years to be honest with her, and should, if he wants it to work, suffer through the longest 'us' conversation ever with love and understanding)

All other options include hurting her by cheating or hurting him with the constant stress of wonder.

Marriages all over the country break up over this every day. And marriages all over the country stay together despite "agreements."

If two people who are both in love are both into monogamy, perfect. When that does not occur, wishful thinking + secrecy will not solve the problem.

 

Hmm

All very true and interesting CBQ

 

You are right.

To the OP:

If I am in a commited relationship I would NEVER cheat on my SO. I can honestly say I have never cheated in my life.

As a healthy young man sex runs through our heads all of time: but a real man is one that can draw a line and doesn't act out on his urges once he has commited to something. If you can't stay commited to your significant other can you really commit to anything if you are not forced to? If I am really dying that bad to be with someone else I will atleast have the respect to break off my relationship.

If you don't have what it takes to make a commitment then atleast lay it out to your partner in the beginning that you don't want anything serious.


I have been with my current GF almost a year now and could have easily cheated 5-6 times over the past year. I straight up reject other women's advances and pride myself on self control. I sort of have a reputation with this and a few women have THROWN themselves at me trying to ruin my relationship.

My standards are pretty high but my commitment is strong.

 

Right, Right

So, you sound like you're in one of the two categories, monogamous or not monogamous, and if & when you decide not to be, you gotta man up and accept the responsibility of letting your partner know.

 

I agree with Loki, it's inevitable that the thought of someone else, whether it be a friend, co-worker or just an attractive stranger, passes through your head now and again but when he thinks about cheating every day, then that's a pretty big problem. Surely, he can't be happy in the relationship if he's thinking about cheating so often? If all he thinks about is sex with other women?

I strongly disagree with the argument of 'well, monogamy isn't natural' because that isn't true, both because there's strong evidence in nature of monogamous coupling amongst other species and because we're intelligent human beings with free will and respect for one another, and hopefully enough self-control to say 'no' to some slag if she's flashing a tit.
Still, a lot of people shouldn't be in monogamous relationships. I agree with the person that said that there are two types of people, monogamous and non-monogamous, but I think it's fair to assume that when you're getting into a relationship with someone, you shouldn't need them to state that yes, they will be faithful, and no, they won't sleep around.

Fresh, when it comes to your brother, I think that he seems to have a strong obsession with this, and it's not healthy. One day he'll give in, and he'll end up breaking his girlfriends' heart. Does she know about his history? It will be difficult for him to talk to her but he has to. A conversation will hurt much less than finding out he'd been sticking it to someone else. And even if he does have enough self control to carry on like this, he's torturing himself and her. It's not fair that she's been assuming for eight years that they have a good healthy relationship when he's always thinking of being with other women.