Being a minority at a party.

Yesterday was one of my old school friends birthday parties. His wife had decided to throw him a suprise party at one of the local pubs in my area. I had planned a reunion, with some form Uni classmates, and wasnt going to be around for the weekend. But, since I had known this friend for years(we talking 15 yrs here), thought I would make an appearance at the party, and not go to my university reunion. Anyway, my friend is Indian, and prior to arriving to his suprise party I knew it would be majority Indian; which is okay by me. I was the only black guy there.

His parents had created a photo album of old photos(school photos included). Now, problems started when he scrolled through pictures he pointed at guy from school[Asking his name], and I said the guy was an Idiot! Guess what? they thought I called him an idiot...and got very defensive.Took a while to plead my innocence, but I think(hope) they believed me. So this meant the night didn't start off too well.

And also because I had been drinking I used the occassional urban slang term, when I was talking...and I think a lot of Indian crowd thought I was thug. The worst part for me was after going to the toilet, someone asked me what I had been doing in the toilet. Now, you would only ask someone this if you were really suspicious of them imho. I think the reasoning behind this question is to find out if I am a druggie. After this point I felt really uncomfortable and left not long after.It made me wonder if it was a colour thing.


Now really the whole point of this post is I am wondering have any of you been to a party or gathering where you have been the only minority? How did you fit in? Are you ever apprehensive when you go to such gatherings? Have you been in a situation where people have just ignored you?

 

I don't think about such things and generally enjoy myself in most social setting, because I refuse to be self-conscious about being black.

 

I'm usually the minority in most social situations. I don't hang out with white people much.

 

I'll be the minority at my wedding. :shock: I'm actually a little nervous about it, despite the fact I know all the people going are great people. LOL I'll let you know what it was like after the big day.

 

I must commend you for attending a party that not only offers a different racial background than yourself but ethnic as well. The amount of friends I have that are not open-minded (or should I say have the courage) to attend parties where they are the minority shows how intimidated they really are of being the outsider.

Nevertheless, I do attend parties nearly every weekend solo or with friends and, cannot think of a situation that remotely followed such a pattern as your experience. I would say 99% of the gatherings I’ve attended I was the minority. Fitting in is quite simple for I will adapt to the environment. Unless I am listening to a particular style of music that is not my cup of tea (which I won’t stay longer than 3 minutes) I tend to meet new friends standing on line at clubs, or on the dance floor.

The atmosphere in pubs is rather different for it is more chatting with little or no dancing at all. If you talk with only one person, you may be looked upon as anti-social or snobbish. Especially, when you were invited to a private party in which you are only mingling with the birthday boy and possibly his mother. The assumption at such an affair is we are all friends although no one is formally introduced.

You mentioned two incidents in which a few might of gave you the cold shoulder. One was the name calling incident and, the other was your behaviour once you became drunk. I would not say your complexion played a factor as much as the two occurrences you mentioned. I am more than certain those two things created your downfall.

Why didn’t you just find a nice girl once you entered the pub?

Cheers!

 

Yeah, I'm usually the only black at the party. I don't feel uncomfortable, unless its around people I know, but since most of the parties I've been to mostly included people I was cool with in high school, it doesn't bother me. Even at parties where it's mostly people I don't know and only a few friends, I'm nervous, just because I get like that around big groups of people, and people I don't know. There's usually a Filipino or 2, maybe another black or 2, maybe some other type of Asian, a Hispanic(since my Hispanic friend is always at a party), but yeah, for the most part, I'm the only black person there. I don't hear race related jokes n' shit from people at parties except for my main 5-6 friends I'm always with. I don't think my color has anything to do with me fitting in at parties.

But of course, an experience at an Indian party is probably quite different than a mostly white college drinking party. I'd feel nervous too. Mainly the culture difference, and I don't want to do anything to make me look stupid.

 

I have attended many parties and have been the only white person, it does make you sort of feel uptight and more aware of people, ie you start to think that people hold an opinion about you, when all they are doing is glancing at you.
And yes I have been ignored for the entire party sometimes, the women in particular! but did it stop me from going again NO! because sometimes I had a nice time.

Most of it is more than likely in your head, were other people drinking besides you? sounds to me that you were more tagged with the drunk English boy persona.:lol:

I'm sure I would feel uncomfortable at an Indian party too, more about not being Indian rather than being black i think.

 

Yeah, same. Sometimes when I've gone to parties with friends of mine, I've been the only white person there and it's been pretty awkward. It's worse if it's just you and another white friend though and you go together, then the stares don't stop, haha!
I agree though Francie, the staring is generally from women and I'm quite paranoid and do assume that people are talking about me but most of the time, I just look past it and try to have a good time. Alcohol really does do wonders in these situations.

 

I've been the only white person at a couple of parties and I felt horrible all the time. I was with this senegalese guy and I knew a lot of his friends didn't agree him being with an italian. I was 17. I remember I tried to talk to somebody but they kind of didn't pay attention and everybody stopped talking when I came in the room etc. I think I was about to start crying, lol and I asked to Khadim to go somewhere else as soon as possible. When I went home, the first time, I told myself: "Now I REALLY understand how black ppl can feel here between all this white ppl, so I must try not to make ppl feel like this ever". At least the food was great haha.

 

The name calling certainly didnt help.Lol. But I was joking and the this is where cultural differences play their part. I think a European(white) crowd would have realised I was joking(I said it with a grin on my face). But yeah, with the benefit of hindsight I shouldn't have used the word idiot. Btw I couldnt just walk off and start talking to some other people. That would have been rude imo. My friends wife had ordered a buffet, and drinks were free. It would have looked like I was using them for free booze and dinner.

 

Definately, very different. I think there is the language element aswell. Whereas in other parties I have been too everyone spoke English, and I understood what they said. Here people occassionally spoke Indian lingo.(Gujarati).It made me a little paranoid, making me wonder if they were speaking about me.

 

Sounds like it ended up being a rough night for you, too bad. I've been in situations like you mentioned countless times, but the most memorable is probably when I was in college and a nice WW friend of mine invited me to come with her to a Neil Diamond concert at the 17,000 seat Special Events Center in Austin, Texas.

We both were quite sure I was the only brother in attendance.

 

Yeah, I think I might have been tagged with the drunken English boy personna. I noticed everytime I was speaking for long periods of time, they would say, "have some more food", pointing towards the buffet. They probably thought I was talking rubbish and were trying to shut me up.lol.

 

The difference in culture always seemed to be disregarded. Assumption based on ones overall appearance while, disregarding their ethnic background at times creates a bigger problem than the complexion factor.

I’ve dated girls from India, Bangladesh, Pakistan and, Trinidad which offer different morals and ethics despite being Indian.

Being invited to a party does not mean you are obligated to focus only on the person who the party is held for. I’ve gone to many gatherings in which I was the invited friend and, did not know anyone at except the bloke who said to tag along once, entering the flat. However, upon leaving I was well acquainted with a minimum of half the attendees of the event.

Of course, you should wish the person all the best on such a special occasion. However that person expects you to enjoy the party, which comes from mingling with others taking part of the festivity.

Just for the record, saying something pessimistic is never the best way to “Break The Ice” at a party. You are looked upon as being very negative and, partiers tend to move away from those who come across that way. Nonetheless we all learn from our mistakes. I would suggest next time, try to get better acquainted with that one girl that tickled your fancy upon seeing her beautiful smile.

Cheers!

 

Sounds like YOU were drunk and making an ass of yourself more than anything else.