Advice? White Children of Your Lover

I really want some advice on this. When a black man starts to date a white woman, how should he get along with her child/children who are full white?

I just started going out with a white woman who has two children (twin of a boy and a girl) from her previous marriage to a WM. I'm just feeling insecure about what I can do to make sure that I'm in very good terms with her children. Now, it appears that they don't really mind of their mom dating a black man, but I'm still not confident.

It gets kind of complicated, when I think about what the 2 children's friends will react and talk my relationship with their mom. And if the relationship continues, how would they be curious about the look-likes of the child b/w their white mom and me.....

I really want to do my best to be in good standings with the children, as I'm aware that it's important to my relationship with my girlfriend. Does anyone have or know of someone who has similar expereinces? Can you give me some advices?

 

Well how old are th kids?

I find it would probably be tougher if the kids are teenagers.

 

I can't really give much advise seeing as I am neither married nor do I have children. But I suppose you could start by being really patient with them, show that you care by doing little parenty things like getting ink stains off their coats, be loving toward their mother, and leave the 99% of discipline to her. There will be peer pressure ("your dad is black") but with time, it will be a non-issue for them.

Take heart anyway, its never easy white or black. Few kids are will be thrilled at the prospect of a new daddy.

 

The children are twins, both 11 years old.

 

hmm dang when ur forget to sign in and have to retype everything is a little frustrating..anyways i am married to a bm and my kids r from a previous marriage with a wm. my kids love my hubby! have u talked to gf about ur feelings? if not it might be something to do to get her imput. anyways get to know them like u would anyone else..what they like or dont like ..mom could help u out there some. and as fer as friends go..sit down with mom and talk to them about any situation that might arise..u said the kids were 11 so they r older then mine were at the time so they may have diff. ?'s for u then mine did.. then again they may have no ?'s..hope i helped in some way feel free message anytime

 

First, maybe you are seeing problems were there aren't any. 11 is still pretty young and kids that age are still trying, to a certain extent, to please the adults around them. Those kids are probably more worried about whether you like them as opposed to the color of your skin.

Next, be confident. Their mom thinks you are wonderful or she wouldn't let you be around her kids. So know that you are a positive influence and act accordingly. When you are with them, think of how good it is for them to be around an adult who loves and respects their mother, think about all things in life you can teach them about that no other adult could.

And last - forget about what secondary problems they might face from their friends. You can't control it and the kids' mother thought it would not be an insurmountable issue or she wouldn't have brought you into the picture. Maybe there will be tense situations, but in the long run it will be good for the kids to learn to stick up for who they love. (And they will love you if you relax and let them.)

Good luck!!

 

OK, I haven't been in your situation. But I have been in the childrens situation (except my steph-dad's white).

First of all: forget that they're white. They're just kids. OK? They've forgotten you're black WAY before you've forgotten they're white. If you treat them with kindnes and respect they'll like you no matter who you are. Children are much more open than adults.

Secondly: be a friend and rolemodel, but don't expect to be their dad. Being a steph-parent you have the same authority as a close uncle or simmilare. And the kids can easily grow to love you, but even quite small children are very aware who's their parents and who's not. Never talk poorly about their biological dad- even if he should be a jerk the kids love him and will recent you for putting him down.

Third: don't try too hard. They'll see right through that.

Forth: stop worrying, just be yourself, and take things as they come

 

Some people say having a STEPH-parent is like having a STAPH-infection!

 

Well, as someone who's dated a white woman with children, i can tell you that it's very difficult, with a lot of emotional strings attached. I used to be cool with the kids of the woman i dated and they got to like me but their dad kept brainwashing them. Overall, it caused problems in their family so i felt it would be better for both sides if we stopped seeing each other so they can be happy again.

Honestly, i'd tell you this - try as much as possible to be friendly with the children but make them realize that regardless of their opinions, you still want to be with their mother.

 

I've had a little experience with this, and the best way I found to deal with it, is to first know where the walls are with mom. And then take it from there.

I dated a woman who had an 11 year old son, and at first he was apprehensive...but one day broke the ice..He was playing his playstation and he asked me to play with him...and we ended up doing that for about 4 hours. I like videogames anyway, she there was a common ground and during that time in between him and I going at it...we talked. He learned about me, I learned about him....and it began building the trust.

All I can say, just be cool, be accessible, be yourself..and enjoy it.
The most important thing? Remember

You can con a con artist. You can fool a fool, but you can't kid a kid. They see right through it.

Oh by the way, Props to Kenny G, from a fellow Steelers fan...Rough game yesterday, but we'll get 'em back.