A Question of Mate Reliability

I cannot speak for other black men here, but i for one is getting sick and tired of the media constantly portraying the image of the black male as a unreliable partner in terms of marriage, and not being responsible as a father and husband. You ladies out there, what is your take on this propaganda to diminish black males image and character as unsuitable mates? If i hear again about Barack Obama's father as being the typical african male who abandons his family i will lose it. Even some of these television story lines are constantly bombarding this irresponsible black male image. I wonder sometimes if this is a determine psychological war to plant negative codes to keep white women from black men, destroy the image of the black man to his own women and children and to use such mental tactics to undermine the black males belief in himself in this society to believe that they are inferior. Just my take on what is rarely talked about when it comes down to women in general in this society on who they percieve as suitable mates. On the pecking order the black male is dead last on the totem pole as a suitable mate in the minds of many who do not want their daughters to be involved with a black male.

 

So, what else is new?

 

There may be some truth to what you're saying, but I think that for the most part, an empty wagon makes a lot of noise and sadly attracts most attention. Good and humble people aren't usually on the evening news.

 

would love to be able to say that personal exsperience shows black males in a good light but unfortunately my husband when we separated proved the stereotype true. he played away with another and because im not interested anymore he witholds his presence frm our 2 children to hurt me although he pays for them he doesnt make the effort to be a dad to them he is either to busy with likeminded friends or he doesnt hav time. in a year hes seen them 4 times and hes only 40 miles away our son is autistic and he does not lift a finger to help lighten the load. my dissapointment in him as a father is indescribable. but im not saying that every black guy is the same but i would be inclined to not hav kids with a similar cultured male as upbringing has a lot to do with it.

 

The media certainly blows things out of proportion and there is often a racist slant in the way black men are portrayed. That being said, I personally can think of more situations where black men have proven to be unreliable partners than white men. I am referring specifically to the "baby momma/baby daddy" situation.

It has become far too common for bm to have children with a woman and not make a formal commitment to the woman. Perhaps a shotgun wedding isn't any more noble, but it does show some initiative to put the needs of your children before your own wants and desires.

This facet of black culture is constantly portrayed in the media, which has led younger generations to view it as acceptable, and even, "the norm." I had a bm student tell me last month that his girlfriend was pregnant. I asked if he was getting married, and he looked at me and asked, "Why would we get married?"

I empathize with black men like you, Tiger, who would make very suitable partners. I agree that there probably is some kind of psychological war brewing to keep down bm in regard to the mate matter.

 

My ex husband is white, left me for another woman, pays child support randomly (and never the court ordered amount), sees the kids twice a year at best, calls when he feels like it, and has done some pretty mean and rotten things over the last three years. I know you're not saying that every black man is the same as your ex, or that every white man is going to be an upstanding, child support paying father, but I'm just saying that it's in all walks of life that this situation happens.

It's actually been my experience that most of the black men that I've dated who have children from previous marriages or relationships are MORE inclined than a lot of white guys I know to make sure that their child support is paid, (on time, and in the right amount), that their kids have health insurance, and that they spend time with their children on a regular basis. Not only that, but they've understood the plight of the single mama more so than any of the white guys that I've dated since I separated from my ex. Maybe that's my limited experience, but it's my experience nonetheless. So while the OP's observation may be true about what is seen in mainstream media, it's not what I've observed or experienced, and therefore not what I believe.

 

My point was more about certain black culture but my husband is from cameroon and im british its a different way round here most of my friends are in relationships with white guys No 1 there all still together bar 2 and those 2 are regular every weekend dads my point on a whole white guys settle easier into family life thats is off course in my circle i do know two other IR couples and as an outsider looking in things dont look good ive lost respect for one friend because of the amount she puts up with i mean this man had relations with 2 off her friends yet she entirely blames the women involved. i know this sounds negative but its not really about the guys being black or white its culture how you were raised and unfortunately mine was obviously not raised right my mother and father in law hav a lot to answer for- mother in law mainly though as she was less than thrilled with a white daughter in law she was a real frosty cow!

 

Hi Blacktiger - it makes me sad to say it, but I think the stereotype exists for a reason. And it goes without saying that that doesn't mean that every black man is like that, nor does it suggest the reverse that every other coloured man isn't like that. I am also of the opinion that by continually mentioning it, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

And, I'm not speaking about AA men, as I know nothing of them beyond what I see in the media. I am talking about African men.

Maybe it's just a prominent few that are making the whole bunch look bad, I don't know...But, in my observation, experience and opinion, African BM are fairly irresponsible. That doesn't change the fact that I prefer them, though. It just means I will be more careful and look harder.

EDIT - ADD.
I just thought of this...the reason being.
Hypothetically speaking, if I date a white guy and he acts like an a$$ hole, he is an a$$ hole and I don't think anything beyond that it's him. If a BM did the same thing to me as the white guy I would think "typical - the stereotype is true". Now, I don't know if I'm wrong in that, or if it's because of the portrayl of the media or what. And, actually...I have thought those exact things, although I've never been screwed over by a white man, but a friend of mine has.

Perhaps because BM are in a minority in every place except Africa and so they are grouped as a collective, rightly or wrongly, and the stereotype grows easily from there. I wonder what, if any, the stereotype of white africans is, as they would be an obvious minority over there. I think there are a lot of mixed children running around without a Dad in africa because of foreigners coming in, having a fling then leaving. I've read quite a lot of stories about that kind of thing.

 

Ouch! I can't say I agree with you on that one. Some are, some are not But that's not a general trait in my experience.

However, I think many young men (and women) to be irresponsible. And that goes for many young African men too.

The more mature (30+) African men are IMO usually hard workers and excellent fathers (at least until the kid has pooped or is crying). Some has trouble adjusting to "standard time" in their private life (so if my man tells me he'll call in 30min I'll always ask if it's "standard time" or "African time").

They do tend to plan a little less than we do, or if they do they don't share their plans as easily. But I think that's because it can be almost impossible to plan anything in Africa. They're more relaxed when it comes to unexpected events, and don't seem to worry about problems that might come. Not to the point when I'd choose to call it irresponsible though. (At least not most of the time.)

We've talked about African men and cheating earlier. I've thought a lot about it since that, and come to the conclusion that I don't really think African men cheat more frequently than for instance European men. They just do it a hell of a lot more openly. :smt081

Well, it might depend on what exactly is meant by irresponsible... It can mean sooo many things, can't it...

 

Ronja Yeah, I agree with what you've said...and, to be fair, I haven't had that much to do with African men under the late 20's - so perhaps that's got something to do with it. I wish I had met more in the older brackets, because I like older men anyway.

And, I don't hang around white people who behave like they're anything less than late 20's unless I have to for some reason...so, perhaps my view is skewed - thanks for pointing that out.

Yeah, I've been thinking about it a lot too. I came to the conclusion that if a white guy cheated, I would think he was a bum and move on. If a black guy cheated, I would think I was stupid for falling for the stereotype. Why that is, I don't know. Maybe it's social training? Maybe I'm wrong in that...I just HATE it when I expect so little and my expections are either met or not even met. That annoys me. Especially when there is SO much intelligence and good-ness there.

IMO, there is no excuse for Africa Time. It bugged me before, it bugs me still. I cannot and will not deal with Africa Time. If I'm in Africa, I will deal with it...but I'm not, so I expect a bit of effort. Sorry - that's a total break point for me and just screams un-reliability.

I am totally of the opinion that the west is too uptight, and I chilled out a lot when I started dating my ex...unexpected, unorganised...I can do it. Turning up to things late when he should be there on time. Nope - not good enough. Not calling, disappearing - nope...I'm not in Africa, I'm not African. It's a two-way street. I feel like it has to be a 50/50 type thing, and I felt like I was the one being made to come over to his side and he was making no effort.

Am I jaded - yeah, a little...Will I go back for more? Very carefully. But I have also realised that the thought of dating anyone other than a BM is just not sitting well with me any more...so...I have some choices to make!

Like I said previously, sad as it may be, steretypes exist for a reason...Good and bad...for all people of all colours. So, maybe to clarify, I think that BM are irresponsible in reference to the way the west works. Perhaps its just business as usual in Africa. Like I've said - I haven't been...so I can't comment fully.