LOST IN TRANSLATION

Sadly enough, the reality is that Black people have been forced to excpet the integration of other races into our own and I think that is why our friends and families are often so much less extreme in their reactions to our dating and loving WW. White people have long been able to keep their families separated from other races because they've often had the power and influence to do so. Adversity and poverty make for very strange bedfellows, and we as Black people definitely know one of those if not both.

 

So, I was looking on the web for articles about Interracial dating for a sociology project when I came upon this site. I thought this article and the discussion was interesting, especially with the number of replies from european white women. I grew up in the South, well relative south because Texas isn't actually part of the deep South, and I have seen alot of the prejudices against white women and black men. Its funny because I went to a very diverse high school (1/3 black, 1/3 white, 1/3 hispanic), so interracial dating in high school was never a big deal because almost all of us had known each other since 5th grade. Then I came to college (where its supposed to be more liberal-minded) and I would get weird looks when I dated someone not white. Of course, my college is predominantly white, so I guess I can understand, but it was a shock. A friend of mine and I were discussing how our roommates from up North were always commenting that racism didnt exist, and we were like, What world do you live in? Its funny that alot of people try to act like race isn't an issue when we live in such a racially charged society. I admit I was probably in that category a little bit, but as I'm getting older I'm starting to see more of the racial discrimination.

 

Thanks for sharing GirlInTexas & welcome to the board. :wink:

 

I am very interested in reading this thread. One of the things I like about having a relationship with a person from another ethnic background is exploring the differences. My husband and I have been together five years, been married for three of that. I, like many of the women who have commented, was raised in an all-white area of the US. It did not occur to me that I would marry a BM until I fell head-over-heels in love with someone and discovered that his blackness was very much what I loved about him, and that includes the difference in socio-economic backgrounds.
Like some of the women who have commented, I had to wrap my brain around what it was going to be like to always be with a BM and it took awhile. When we leave a store, we often have to show our receipt for our purchases. That never happened when I was married 20 yrs to a WM. My husband and I drive a truck over the road, and to be honest, I do not like the reactions that we get from people when we are in the southern states, like NC, MS. We are often stopped and asked to show our licenses when we are driving. One time, our truck was stopped in Colorado simply because he had a white woman in the vehicle and I guess he wanted to make sure I was okay. The cop took me to his car and questioned me separately. I assured him I had not been abducted! IMO, my man gets a lot of tickets for things that would have been "a warning" if I was with someone else. We have been seated in the back of restaurants. People talk animatedly to me, until they realize that we are together, and then their eyes grow distant and their replies are one or two words, just enough to get us what we've requested so we can leave.
Our home is in the Seattle area and we do not experience these things here. There are about four huge military bases in the area, and people here tend to be better about accepting people for who we are.
Do I understand his struggle? I didn't at first. Not at all. I was pretty much of the thought that we all have to try to be politically correct all the time, even when it's obvious that something racial is involved. I don't cling to that anymore, and am not sure political correctness addresses the issues that need to be addressed. My own stereotypes about race have certainly shifted since I've been in this relationship.

 

:arrow: Thanks Fyre for your very candid comments :!: As an African American male who is quite aware of how things are in this country racially speaking it's sad :roll: to hear that things like that STILL go on...AND ESPECIALLY INVOLVING LAW ENFORCEMENT AS WELL :!: :?

 

Hi! The discussions are very interesting. I am a white woman married 4 years to a black man, only mine is from haiti, so we have some issues are selves. My parents were against it and i guess still are even though they have accepted it and my dad even likes my hubby. He works alot n loves to work so i guess that scored points wiht my parents . Im from strict old time holiness/pentecost so my religon believes im goin to hell. lol. Yeah :roll: And not very many black n white couples were im from Im from Oklahoma. The only time you will see it will be in the city. For those who dont live in the city is not accepted. I read all of yalls comments and got a little education i guess you could say. Im from the south, and hes from the north. I had trouble when i went downsouth. We have two boys so its hard to protect them and i guess i cant. However while up north, people are not so against it. I two have problem with the BW hateing me, or trying to gang up on me . I worked in a mall right after we got married in Philadelphia, and the whole mall , well lets just say i was about the only white girl working there and had tons of bw comming in everyday- it was a clothing store. To me it seemed they were so offensive.My job was to greet the customer, take their bags, lot of women tried to pick a fight or make a remark or give me strange looks. Me, im shy and never said a word which seemed to make them madder.lol. Needless to say after being upset, and few tears, the manager moved me to the back. She was half and explained to me the problem. I was shocked that was the first time i had experienced such hate up north! down south i used to it. But i have to say im one of them naive white women and sometimes, I do say somethings or do some things that makes my husband upset. Becosuse i dont know. Thats how i stumbled arcoss this was that i was looking for answers or something. As for my hubby, well he two has alot to learn about white women so i guess we will learn together. The haitian women, they are soo strong, ( or rather from what i see) Im a senstive, emotional person, and i have to hide it alot of times. My hubby and haitian men, see it as a weakness. Im self concious about my weight, and I have a big butt which im not comfortable with, while i see the haitian women comfortable with their weight.. So not only do i have to deal with Black culture, but haitian culture as well. i guess i still have a lot to learn.

 

Hi there,
How old are you? I can see from your note that you are really struggling with some of this. I can't imagine all the additional drama from him being from Haiti. I haven't spent time on the East Coast, so I don't know first hand what kind of treatment you got from those BW shoppers. I just get so frustrated reading about such mistreatment, and the management didn't deal with any of it, just swoosh! suddenly you were working out of the back room.

Time will put this in perspective, but that's going to take T.I.M.E. (Triumph, Intelligence, Minds Enduring...)

When BW treat me funny, it's because I took one of "their" marriageable men. My husband's aunts and mothers have pointed out that it is very, very hard for them to find eligible black men and they feel it is because we WW are out here snatching them away. Sometimes I just want to say, "Honey, have you looked at yourself? You don't even act like you're trying to open your life to include anyone else. You all have so many RULES and so many DON'T's and so many comments that start with 'I'd NEVER put up with....'"

When I'm out to find a man, I look at what he's up to and how can I fit into what he likes and what he does. It's been about compromise, and never about making anyone conform to my rules. That is what attracted my particular man to me. He laid out on the table that he was into this and that, that he was going to spend money on the cars, that he liked to buy lottery tickets, and entertainment magazines, and the tv was going to run at our house all the time... there was other stuff too, but those are just examples. He also has EX 1 and EX 1 that you can liken to Thing1 and Thing2 from the Cat in the Hat book...
So I came into the relationship knowing what to expect. On month 25, I can't throw a fit because he spent $$ buying a stupid magazine, because he can shrug and say, "I don't know what to tell you. I let you know from the beginning what I liked." And he's exactly right. In the same vein, I told him that I'm a real crazy bitch about one day a month, so when the hormones hit me and I nag on his every move, he just rolls his eyes and waits for it to pass...
I just want to encourage you about one other thing: Your emotions. Emotions are not bad, and they are not weakness. I went through some self-study courses and they all pretty much let me know that if I break out in tears, there's something bigger going on. The tears are not the issue, usually it's the fears. The tears are just an outward sign. I don't have first hand experience with a man from another culture like Haiti, but it seems that if you can learn not to show your emotions as much, he can also learn that they are nothing to be afraid of. I would hate that you are hiding your delight, or your enthusiasm, or your thrills. I would be afraid that one day you will wake up and say, "why am I putting myself through hiding everything?" I would hope that you try to talk to him and help him to understand that for you, emotions are just emotions. No harm, no foul.

 

I wish that I could add more to this thread, but I've got writer's block right now.

 

What's that?

 

It's a old saying people use whenever they can't think of something to write for a particular subject that they want to write about at the time. I just used it as a figure of speech.

 

As a ww, I grew up at the opposite end of your wife. My friends were from different ethnicities, my schools were integrated, and my church was diverse. I do sympathize with you, however, on the struggle to teach someone who doesn't see race that there is racism. At the university level, a very popular article used in anti-racism would be an eye-opener to her. It is "White Privilege: Unpacking the Invisible Knapsackwritten" by Peggy McIntosh, a white woman. A link to it:
[url]http://seamonkey.ed.asu.edu/~mcisaac/emc598ge/Unpacking.html [/url]

Something else you said also struck me:

I believe that all white people need to be in this "uncomfortable" situation in order to have a deeper understanding on racism. How many white men or women are ever in the minority enough to wonder whether the looks or comments were racially motivated or that someone is just an ass?

 

Hi! I am 26 or will be the 1st. Thanks for the note of encouragement and advice. Yeah i am strugglin. I have heard that BW think we taking their men lol. A black lady told me that in the hospital. She was very understanding about the whole thing or she was in front of me. Usually just the topic almost gets you killed! Yes drama is the word. Its the culture we have a problem with then the white n black issues, here in montreal, they act like its normal. There are some of his family the women who arent very friendly but generally the others accept me pretty well. In general they are very friendly and nice people, and would take their shirt off for you. But the men is different. Out of black people if i was to chose haitan or african american i think it would be african american! lol. but i love him so i toughing it out. I think i go thru more shit then anyone my ages goes thru! Haitian men from haiti, born n raised have in their mind of how the woman they want or make em. I guess he thoght he got a winner becouse whatever he said went! I got so fed up n tired of it, i found myself just comming out n saying things in retort and even made a few bad remarks, trying to hurt him how he was doin me. Well, the next week i found out i was preg. We had been marreid for at least 4 months then. lol The poor man didnt know what to think! He called it rebellion. lol. And my emotions were running high, so :lol: I think i scared him! Since then i say my opinions- he thinks i tellin him what to do, as of right now, i can honestly say i know nothing of our financial matters. But when it comes to making decisions about me or my kids, i do say my opnion no matter what he thinks, and i have been right more than once on lot of things but he doesnt like to acknowledge that lol. So i guess its my fault for letting it get to the point it has gotten to. Now that i try to stand up, i get compared to all these haitan women. But he knows no matter what race of women, none of them would put up with him n his ways. And i love him, so he hasnt left even though all the threats he made do this or i leave. After reading thru alot of topics n comments, i get to thinking maybe some of it has to do with a litlle being a black man. Maybe i dont understand them or aware of the problems they face n go thru and sometimes i have learnd thru my mistakes but i have said some wrong things or took things wrong in the racial area. Like i said before i never realized or understood why they could say the n word n be ok with it n if you dare say it u get killed! nor did i understand what it ment and the pain behind it unitil i got married. on alot of things i try to comprmise, but i feel like i go the 100% instead of 50% on eveything, and his view is well its my way or the highway. But i have a deep trust in God and i know its not to late for our marriage or whatever the problems are to be turned around for the better, i told him our children are still young. Usually for haitian men, they hard workers as well as i find with the mexicans as well. Most usally in okla if a farmer is gonna hire a hand they pick the mexicans over the amerian lol. They work n do a good job. they over look the fact their illigal. So hes a workaholic. like right now were here in canada. So i here at home by myself the children just last week got into a daycare, and hes always at work . he works 65 hrs per week, so i dont know what to think about that. it hurts n i feel neglected but he says whos gonna pay the rent etc... so i dont know i guess i would rather have a man out there workin hard to bring home bacon, then to sit around n do without. i think if i knew with out a doubt that he always at work i would deal with it better, but from whre i come from n how i was raised its abnormal for a man to be away that much married n have kids the way he does n etc.. i would say he cheatin n no good, but with him being haitian and knowin a little of the ways i have to give him the benefit of doubt. i have to confess that everyone month or so i will check up on him just to make sure he tellin the truth. becouse he has lied about alot of things in the past. about things before we were married, like he was married n divorced and had a daughter i found out about the girl almost 1 yr later and just last year i came across a wedding video. so, i dont know what to think. but i trying give him the benifti of doubt but it never hurts to check eveyrone once n a while secretly, to see if they pullin one on you. but trust i find is hard. Every haitian man i know they cheat with their wife. or i assume becouse heres why. Every time they want to be a friend to me, i found out they want someting in return! whatever happend to talking to a guy wihtout them wanting to f. u.! They alaways hitting on me n like this one older man, asked me if i wanted him to kiss me! he also asked me if i wanted him to show me the haitian man secret! Yeah i would like to know it but not that way! hes marreied, 2 kids and a sundayschool teacher! So i think that if they would try to do it with me, they would do it with someone else. And if they doing it , why not my hubby? So i always thinking on that . I dont know what it is. maybe they wondering what a guy his age doing wiht a young girl liek me n wonder what i have lol or the figure, i do have a big round butt not to my liking, and tinywaist. i guess you would say im a hour glass figure with it thick on the bottom part. I dont know what it is, but it makes me wonder about the haitian men.

 

For once, the heat is off the Nigerian Men. :lol:

 

:lol: yall get it to huh?

 

Oh, i forgot, what part of chiacgo are you from? I was from hinsdale. We just moved from there. I lived in between Lagrange n Westmont.

 

Not ALL of us... :wink:

But...the dark side is STROOONNGG in me. :lol:

 

I live on campus downtown. I've been around Hinsdale via the Metra train.

 

oh! What college are you goin to? I guess its pretty cold there huh? lol i just thought chicago was cold in the wintertime! Its freezing cold up here we already had some snow.

 

A certain medical school. Can't tell you because then I'd have to kill you. Heh.

 

O boy, you're crazy for real. :lol: