Why do men primarily do this to their ex's??

Because that question has already been asked hence the title of the thread DB.
I'm not victim blaming I'm trying to empower you guys. The whoa is me approach will not nor has it ever saved anyones life or well being. Being aware of danger signs and habitual behaviors that attracts shit like this into your lives. A lot of women who get abused have a pattern of dating men who are abuser and can't figure out why it keeps happening. I'm not saying you because I don't know your dating history like that but I'm over all sentiment is you are NOT powerless. In the moment there is rarely anything you can do but you don't have to stay. Again I'm not speaking from ignorance I've spoken about what it was like in my house growing up and I know its scarey and in the moment seemingly impossible but there are things you CAN DO.

 

THIS ^ ^ ^

 

I would advise you to be very careful on this topic. What you're saying isn't empowering... It's blaming. The discussion should not be "what do you do wrong" it should be "why do men think they can hit a woman at all?" And to say someone can just leave is.... Well, unfair and quite ignorant of the reality of the situation. Did your mother leave? No. And she should have, in my opinion.

I would even suggest that witnessing what you did as a child, and your mom not leaving did quite the psychological number on you based on your posts about women and dating sometimes. I do worry about you and your happiness. Domestic violence hurts many, many people.

 

Yes. I went through domestic violence counseling once I moved away. I know why it happened, and how. I will tell you this.... It starts at home. My father has been verbally and emotionally abused for years. My brother is physically and mentally abusive to my mom. My grandfather verbally abused my grandmother, and that's where my mom learned it. It has to stop somewhere.

I've decided that it stops with me.

 

You're right she should have left. Actually as far as relationships are concerned seeing my dad be a prick actually works out for all the women I've been in relationships with because I don't want ever want to put anyone through that. I rarely rais my voice I just leave when the arguing starts. My ideas dating are shaped by cultural norms.
And I'm not blaming its clear from how im writing I'm coming from a place of empathy.
Its not unfair of the reality its dealing with what it is. A lot of women can leave but don't that's just fact. A lot can't based on their circumstance(children for my mom) or some other dependancy issue but taking away responsibility takes away power. I can whine and say statistics show I have a much lesser chance of getting a good job or even going to to college for that matter but its always been up to me to do something.

 

Then I hope you do understand why many many women don't leave their abusive spouse?

 

Absolutely but there are many who ignore warning signs and wait until the problem becomes bigger than it has to. And there are those fall into this idea that they CAN'T do something when they CAN. For some women its as easy as calling your local police department to have a cop go with you to get your stuff(I think its all you can grab in an hour) and get a bus ticket to be with family away from the bad situation. I know that's not everyones reality but some people can and don't. They totally give up on themselves and worry about how others might see them when the only thing that matters is getting the fuck away with your life. Period the end.

 

uhm... your missing the part where mental abuse goes slowly and before you know it, you have been removed for all support system and brainwashed. Incapable to save themselves or even thing they even can be saved or deserve it. Often it goes so far that they think its their fault. And many times, even if they do understand their situation, such pressure has been put on by threatening kids and family that the woman stays, in order to save them. Much mental stuff involved here - it isn't as easy to just call the police or see warning signs in many cases. These men don't even understand their own behavior is wrong.

True that some women are aware of the situation, are not mentally captive -can leave, but don't - but that is a minority.


I also come from an alcoholic abusive family (I think I mentioned that before).
My step dad was a horribly mean drunk and did some really ubelievable awful stuff. My mother never left - he eventually drank himself to death in 98.
I left when I was 15 and eventually up in an abusive relationship. I was 18 or so, it took me perhaps 6 months before I cut that shit out and have never allowed anyone to put their hands on me ever again.

Funny enough, the moment I said to myself that this shit is not going to continue was when he was in my apartment - and after kicking my ass, he continued with breaking everything he knew I loved and valued (read family heirlooms etc) - with a gleeful smirk on his face. He SO enjoyed that. That was my wake-up call for some reason.

To be honest, after all violence and uninhibited expression of anger when I grew up - I didn't, myself have any idea of what was appropriate both from others and myself and I had anger issues myself.
That is a long time ago - People often wonder if I am always so happy and I say - "I ran out of mean a long time ago". I used up my quota - trust me.

I know I would not fall victim for abuse these days - but when I was younger and fresh from an abusive family setting - hell yes - I can see that - I had no understanding of what was really appropriate. I saw it every day. It was normal. If you learn a behavior from childhood, it is hard to break. Many of these women and men have that background. They need to be "retrained" of sorts, but usually, unfortunately - it occurs behind closed curtains and is not caught until its too late.

Abused children do protect their family and usually lie about it - so does abused spouses. I don't claim to completely understand the psychology of that but I know I did - boy did I lie to keep the "family secret". Up, down, left, right.

 

Lol

quite a few bunny boilers here actually

 

I never spoke about our family situation because I was scared to death of my dad. He did a lot of messed up shit to me and my mom which I think is partly why we're so close. Until my brother was born it was just her and I against him. Which is probably why when im in relationships I can't help but want to take care of the person. I'm with. I want them to feel loved and protected (let's be clear I choose to do it but despise when its expected).
I guess its partly why I've allowed myself to be in abusive relationships with shitty girls who always made me feel like I could bever do anything right. I guess girls aren't the only ones with daddy issues lol. But at this point in my life the over all theme is I refuse to be unhappy even for a minute so the first time someone introduces that into my life I'm gone. Life is too short to allow others to bring you down but I also had to take responsibility for the women I chose. The last gf stalked me on wwbm but to be fair there were warning signs I ignored and that's on me. I just recognize there are aspects of my life where I have control. I saw my dad beat the ever loving shit out of my mom for dumb stuff like accidentally breaking a lamp. I could have come to the conclusion that behavior like that was ok but I chose differently. Theres alays some kind of choice. Btw thanks for sharing.

 

FG and Andrae...both truly moving posts. As a reader, thank you for the glimpses into your past.

Geek, you seem like such a loving, strong, lovely, independent woman as we have come to know you...
so glad your step-dad didn't ultimately break you. You rock sista.

Andrae, it's a nice trait for a guy to desire to protect his lady, and know that for most of us women out here, it's not ever expected of him to feel he HAS to, just because he's the male. And know that many women also harbor the same desire to protect her mate....so it's really nice when you find a partner whom you can share the eb and flow of looking out for each other.

 

Thanks Kuno - that is very sweet to say. Trust me, I was never ever anywhere close to being broken, most of the time I was far away from being a cowering abuse victim, but never the less stuck.
The trust and anger issues I got from that took a little (well, a lot) of self insight and work to fix.
Nothing will ever break me, that I know for a fact
I read that 1/5 have similar stories so its not uncommon at all.

 

1/5th here. My oldest brother was like your step-dad. A Jekyll & Hyde - never knew what could set him off...I was the baby of the siblings and for some reason his easy target. It wasn't all the time, but it was often enough. He was a physical rage-aholic.

 

That is the part that makes it hard to deal w some abusers - they can be SO nice one minute and then - w no warning, they are set off so you just never know when it will happen. My Step-dad was like that too.
Your story tells something that any forget - it can be sibling abuse and it can be a kid that abuses parents.
I'm really sorry you were the target of his inability to maintain his temper:-(
But also glad to see you have overcome that - you are a very strong, independent person and a very strong beautiful woman!!! I love ya!!!

 

Thanks boo:smt023

 

Thank you and ditto x 10.

Anytime luv.

 

This might shed some light on why people, men or women, stay with abusers. I found it really on the money.

http://pervocracy.blogspot.com/2011/07/why-does-she-stay-with-that-jerk.html

 

Kudos to all for their honesty here.

My ex husband was emotionally and mentally abusive - he didn't break me, but damn it was hard sometimes. Because my mother's first marriage (not to my dad) had been to an abusive prick, I'd grown up with a sense of "DO NOT HIT." So the minute my ex decided that his 6'3" 250 pound self should hit my 5'2" 106 pound self, the marriage was *OVAH.* I benefited from what my mother had been through. I was damned lucky that way. Some abused men and women truly have nothing else to compare it to, and grew up thinking being hit meant being loved.

 

What was the key phrase in this post?

 

That I was lucky my mother's experience served as a lesson to me.