what do white women love about black men?

Oh that's nice , I'm Yoruba with an Irish girl.
Yes, sha keep me up to date if you want haha.

You'll be surprised but my parents were both fine with it. Just one aunty that I de close with that
complain, but she' de get over it eventually.

My girl enjoys Naija food and wants to learn more.
So you're Swiss, Have you visited Nigeria?

 

Thanks for the insights, I will keep all this in mind for the future.

Ok, yeah, I hear yah, however, one cannot always tell all of one's preferences just from looking at them and as I mentioned earlier on, he looked and sounded American, there was no indication he was foreign, at the very beginning. So it seemed safe to try to get close and make small talk, I had to start somewhere.

I did not have a chance to get that far for me to even ask him about his preferences, because I would get mixed signals from him, he sometimes would smile, then turn or rush away, and it was a rushed atmosphere at college, so I did not really get a chance to talk to him in length. We then messaged on and off online on messenger, but it was always very brief, and not much chance to talk at length. I also just recently read that Ethiopians do not like direct questions and talk about personal stuff, so even if I asked him, I am not sure if I would have gotten a straight answer.

I just was not feeling the vibe from him, and I felt if I asked him directly offline or online, I might have been prying, and by how infrequently we did exchange messages on messenger, (after his initial reaching out to me, it was mostly me who messaged hIm thereafter and I assumed he was already not really interested). Also, I am not sure to ask that, some guys may or may not like that?

When we did connect on Facebook, and I saw his page, it was mostly of Ethiopian people, his family, and women, so it looked like he mostly just associated with his own, and in class, there were a couple of times, he would talk to other women, while I was around, but ignored me.

The setting was just wrong as well, it was a rushed place in college, and there was not much time for me to try to know him, I had to go for it, or I would have lost my chance. Like I mentioned too, I have limited opportunities to meet people, and I had a chance then, and went for it, and I just tried to make small talk, I did not like totally jump on him, but I guess I should have picked up on the first vibe and just backed off after my first two tries at small talk. I had limits to who I could talk to as well, social pressures, and the college campus felt safer than my neighborhood, so it would have been hard for me to try to get to know him better outside of class.

Also, I hope guys realize white women have cultural and social pressures too, it is not always easy for them either, to approach. Maybe I might be better off sticking with home grown guys from the states.

Well, thanks for the input, and maybe I will have a better chance to have that conversation, I will keep your advice in mind, which is important, I feel it is crucial to get things out in the open.

 

I only mention culture because it is something we must understand. We accept it or we do not.
There is no point in criticising African society - human rights, equality etc. That is a different issue.
Also I think that you have some stereotype ideas of Africans. Example: Like describing their friendships with WW as part of their "whore phase" !
Enough ....

 

OK, I knew it was just a matter of time before I would get static for my posts, but I take responsibility, I did pose my questions for input, and thus opened myself to criticism as well, but criticism can be good for all sides, if some learning takes place, and I have found some of the responses to my question insightful. I am also allowed to have some disappointed and negative feelings to a romantic rejection, which is basically the bottom line with what happened with me and this guy.

I was going by what one of the guys who described some, how his friends from Ethiopia and Somalia describe how some of them see western women, and the last time I checked those countries are in Africa, so no stereotyping there. Also, the guy in question, the one I have been interacting with is from Ethiopia.

I was going off of the description of some guys from that part of the world, and the middle east come to the US for "fun", or to "dabble" with white women, were their words. These guys "do not take the western women seriously", see them as "easy" "western people have sexual partners like changing socks" and then "go home to the fold" and it is "par for the course". There are guys like that, I am not saying all of them, who view western women with some disdain, as toys and not serious, that is what I am referring to. There is an actual term for this, Madonna Whore Complex, basically, it is where some men see women in a duality; either as easy sexual playthings not worthy of respect, or mothers, saints, virgins, pure etc. So when one of the guys described the behavior I quoted it reminded me of that complex.

• https://www.bellesa.co/collective/277/the-madonna-whore-complex-its-more-common-than-you-think
• https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=madonna-whore complex

In the case of some cultures, and the quotes, it sounded like western women might be the "Whores" easy, more sexually open, fun, and their women back home are the "Madonnas" whom they marry, wives, mothers etc.

Yes, this is a western construct, developed by a western guy, but the behavior and attitudes I feel a are applicable to men all over the world, who hold similar views and behave accordingly.

Yes, I agree, culture is something we must understand, we can accept a culture, and at the same be critical or admiring of it. Also, no culture is perfect, and any criticism is not stereotyping, we cannot look at the world trough those rose colored lenses, but in reality.

One must also understand, and not condone disrespectful behavior from any man for fear of not being "woke" enough, or not seeing his culture. And, what was described as some of these guys coming to the US for "fun" and "not taking women seriously" especially when there are western women who are caring, thoughtful, when they come with those views I quoted, then they are stereotyping western women and to me comes off as disrespectful behavior from them. It demonstrates their lack of consideration for culture in the US, it goes both ways. I don't care where he is from, or culture, he could come from the moon, I expect some respect and understanding back from him. One of the guys also mentioned since the guy in question with me should have been more familiar with US culture, since he has been in the military.

We are not in an idealistic world, I am equally critical of western culture as well, in fact, many western men hold this view as well, but the worst who hold this view are some guys again some guys from the middle east hold this view of western women. As one the guys pointed out, Ethiopia is near the Arab world, and so has some cultural influence from there, and some of their views. Ethiopia is also Orthodox Christian, and Christianity is an organized male dominated religion, and its roots do hold women as secondary, not equal to men.

Many societies all over the world, are male dominated, including Africa, no stereotype, is true, and the US, and Europe even, where women do not hold an equal place, no where in the world, but some places are much better than others. As a result, are not always viewed as equal, whether you want to believe that or not. Now I know there are many who are educated, live in cities and such who have more modern views.

So there is no stereotypes here, it is the truth, and if one believes otherwise, that any criticism of any cultures is bad, or cultures are all good and can do no wrong has their blinders on.

Also, the personal is political, not two different issues, human rights violations filter down, and are a result of deeply ingrained harmful aspects of cultures. Africa is among many parts of the world with humans right violations, it is a fact, not a stereotype.

 

No problem, I'm happy to answer anything else.

This isn't solely about his foreignness, even Black African guys born and raised in the West, like myself, think similarly about Interracial relationships. In some cases, Foreign black guys are more accepting of IR than home-grown Americans.

When it comes to your approach, I'd take it away from race in general, if a guy acts strange around a woman, a woman that is just being friendly and welcoming, then he's either not interested in being friends with her or he's awkward. Either way I'd avoid a guy like that, forget that he's Ethiopian, all that cultural-assumption about not liking personal questions sounds like suspicion to me, every ethiopian/eritrean I've met are open to talk about anything, so I wouldn't blame it on culture, you're making excuses for him, but this guy just sounds super awkward or unfriendly. If you're interested in African men, there's plenty other types to pick from, but if you have a particular preference for East-Horn African, trust me, there are plenty that like white women lool.

Well, I tried to make it clear that it was the same thing vice versa, I'd say it's even more of a stigma or a social pressure for WW than BM.
But as a white woman that has a preference for black men, it's better to go where you're appreciated. I won't say homegrown guys are the only options you have, you'll just need be prepared to come across black guys, of any background, that might not be interested in you, solely because you're white, it's sad, but it happens.

I also think women, in general, that approach men is nice to see, but rare, guys should do the approaching, but women can hint an interest without having to approach, an ex-girlfriend did that with me and I didn't pay her any attention until a week of getting to know her, because guys are just dumb, we don't always catch women's hints or social ques. You'll have to make it a little more obvious without saying out loud "I'm interested in you!" hahaha, but that's the case overall.

 

Nothing wrong with a woman approaching a man. In the case of a white woman approaching a black man she needs to be aware of the environment. This may be an extreme example: approaching the only black guy in a bar full of whites. He may be interested but if he is smart he may ignore you.

 

I hope you didn’t interpret my comments as a stereotype of all men from any culture. The planet is largely patriarchal, but there are guys from every culture who think and behave differently. Further, not all guys who have the view that western women are sexually available do so out of misogyny. People around the world often make erroneous assumptions about other groups of people and more collectivist cultures can understandably view US consumer society as prioritizing individualism and personal liberty and wrongly deduce that this means licentiousness and non-traditional views. Hell, religious conservatives within the US view US mass society in this way.

Ethiopia is majority Orthodox, but with large Muslim minorities and great ethnic diversity within its borders, and neighboring muslim countries. And some traits transcend religion and are more properly viewed as regional cultural traits. And some of the more traditional areas of Europe are not far away.

A man can easily miss cues and clues from a woman (I didn’t know my current love interest was interested until she called me one evening, angry and drunk and annoyed that I hadn’t made a move or asked her out). Just chalk this up to a learning opportunity and you will definitely have other chances to have a relationship.

 

Sounds like it was cultural. He was physically in the U.S. but mentally back in his country of birth. I had a Nigerian classmate who showed me pictures of very young girls/women that his family sent to him. He was supposed to select 1 of them to be his bride.

 

The Nigerian classmate I mentioned in one of the posts is a Igbo. There was a bunch of them at college. Other Africans, perhaps other Nigerians, often called them the black Jews of Africa. Not sure what they meant but I noticed the Igbos were always trying to start businesses.

 

Igbos are seen as as the business people of Nigeria. When they are abroad a lot of them try to start some sort of buying/reselling business or shipping cars/electronics or whatever back home (although not only Igbos but Nigerians of other tribes as well…).
Some want to trace their ancestry back to Israel to establish some sort of link to the Jews. I have read up on that myself because I have heard it so many times. Apparently no genetic evidence has been found to back up the idea. One Igbo professor said it’s a social construct that stemmed from Biafra war when they were looking for a kind of non-Nigerian collective identity that would set them apart from the other tribes.

 

Thank you for understanding, Yes, I was beginning to feel like some here were making excuses for him, like it was all me, and he could do no wrong, based on "culture" which is one of the points I was trying to make, behavior is behavior, and negative behavior is not good, no matter what culture, I am glad you recognized that.

 

We didn’t have any issue with my husband’s family either, I have a good relationship with them. I attempt to speak pidgin with my mother in law who doesn’t speak good English and I can cook Nigerian food, so they can’t complain too much;-)
No, I am not Swiss, I am German. We moved to Switzerland for a career opportunity my husband was offered a few years ago.
Yes, I have been to Nigeria several times. Have been to Lagos, Abuja and Yankari National Park in Bauchi (quite a while ago, when security wasn’t yet such a disaster).
Good your girlfriend likes the food, that makes interacting so much easier! It’s a bit difficult to come by African food stuff where we live now. We really miss it especially yams and plantains. I try to cook Naija food regularly even for the kids sake. At least they should know that side of themselves as well.
Did you grow up in the UK or you moved there later? Have you been to Nigeria with your lady?

 

Forget about Ethiopian culture, your answer is right there in what you wrote. I’m not even sure I can blame him for anything because it doesn’t sound to me like he was leading you on and then dropped you.
Like I said there’s nothing wrong with having tried!

 

Lol about the girl who was drunk and angry, I thought I have gone too far here, but oh dear. No I did not interpret that, you were just the messenger trying to suggest something, and my elaborate reply and some of the things I quoted from you was to address @sarah, who was jumping on me for stereotypes, and I was trying to show her that I was not pulling things out of nowhere. I by no means mean to stereotype, I am open and like learning about cultures, so I do not appreciate when it feels like I am being accused of something.

I do not see Africa or Africans all in a bad light, in fact, I have learned about and play an African hand drum called the Djembe from west Africa, so I do partake and learn about cultures.

I am just a bit upset about things how it did not work out, and was trying to reason here, get some insights from the people here. Yes, I think it has been a combination of culture, and missed cues.

 

My Yoruba and Igbo buddies tell me similar things about the ethnic divisions in the country. It sounds like the way Europeans generalize about Northern vs Southern Europeans, Catholic vs Lutheran/Protestant, et cetera. A lot of these differences have more to do with which ethnic groups are dominant in certain sectors of the economy, government or the military. Are ironically enough, both of those groups generalize about the Hausa. Similar differences exist in Ethiopia between Amhara, Tigray, Oromo, Somaii et al.

I'm sorry this didn't work out, but as I said earlier, I have no doubt that you will find someone wonderful, regardless of race, who thrills you and that much happiness lies ahead. That's the awesome thing about life - it goes on and there's always another surprise around the bend.

 

Thank you that is sweet of you.

 

What if he never asks, how long of getting to know him, talking, before I conclude he is just not interested? at some point would I go ahead and ask?

 

lool as a Yoruba person myself, I've heard that Jewish assumption, but no offence to your husband's people, the claim is sham lol.
But their culture of business savviness is true and the ostracization that stemmed from the civil war explains the treatment.

 

If you're curious I would say go for it, some guys are literally lost to hints loool
But if you can tell it's obvious he's not interested, then yes move on.
I spoke about this exact topic on clubhouse last week with 3 white women.

 

Born in Nigeria, raised in the UK
No I haven't visited in a while but will do soon. Glad to hear your story, very expected experience from someone who marries a Nigerian man haha